Please I need some help. Anyone
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Please I need some help. Anyone
Dear SR friends,
i am feeling very very sad tonight. please everyone anyone help me see clearly!
I was thinking about my heroin addict ex and i looked up his facebook. We're not FB friends but I could see whatever is available as public. It shows that as of 6/28/2012 he is in a relationship. His new girl "liked it" when I clicked on her profile... it also showed that he clicked "liked" on her relationship status. It all seems so sweet... their new relationship.
After seeing all this, I felt this knot on my stomach and my heart just ache. I remember when him and I first met and how hard we fell for each other. I was with this guy for 3 years... I did everything I could to care of him. He relapsed on me multiple multiple times. I just wanted him to love me and I tried and tried... He always told me how much he adored me and how special I am.
HE CALLED ME ON 6/12/2012 and told me how much love he still had for me, that I will always be his best friend and that he misses me. This phone call was what sent me to a panic anxiety trip. I was so screwed up by the phone call that it led me to here. I signed up on SR on 6/16/2012. Now on 6/28 he is in a new relationship....
We havent spoken since our phone call. I had asked for some space because I am TRYING to focus on my upcoming bar exam which I'm still trying to pass!! In a way, I am so glad that we live in different states now.
I dont understand why it hurts me to see him in a new relationship. I was so good to him... how could he have moved on?
I was doing so well until he contacted me... and now he is in a new sweet relationship and I'm still trying to fight for my future, pass this damn bar exam that seems so f-ing hard and I'm still soo soo hurt by what happened to me in my experience with him.
I feel like this girl will get the love that I never had... at least right now they are on this honeymoon stage.
IT'S A BLESSING THAT HE IS GONE FROM MY LIFE RIGHT?!?!?!?
Why do I feel this way even after he has stolen from me, verbally abused me, made me cried and sad for 3 years? I dont understand..
Him getting into a new relationship could be a closure for me right?
I should feel Happy. I got out of a nightmare.. I really should feel Happy but I am crying right now.
i am feeling very very sad tonight. please everyone anyone help me see clearly!
I was thinking about my heroin addict ex and i looked up his facebook. We're not FB friends but I could see whatever is available as public. It shows that as of 6/28/2012 he is in a relationship. His new girl "liked it" when I clicked on her profile... it also showed that he clicked "liked" on her relationship status. It all seems so sweet... their new relationship.
After seeing all this, I felt this knot on my stomach and my heart just ache. I remember when him and I first met and how hard we fell for each other. I was with this guy for 3 years... I did everything I could to care of him. He relapsed on me multiple multiple times. I just wanted him to love me and I tried and tried... He always told me how much he adored me and how special I am.
HE CALLED ME ON 6/12/2012 and told me how much love he still had for me, that I will always be his best friend and that he misses me. This phone call was what sent me to a panic anxiety trip. I was so screwed up by the phone call that it led me to here. I signed up on SR on 6/16/2012. Now on 6/28 he is in a new relationship....
We havent spoken since our phone call. I had asked for some space because I am TRYING to focus on my upcoming bar exam which I'm still trying to pass!! In a way, I am so glad that we live in different states now.
I dont understand why it hurts me to see him in a new relationship. I was so good to him... how could he have moved on?
I was doing so well until he contacted me... and now he is in a new sweet relationship and I'm still trying to fight for my future, pass this damn bar exam that seems so f-ing hard and I'm still soo soo hurt by what happened to me in my experience with him.
I feel like this girl will get the love that I never had... at least right now they are on this honeymoon stage.
IT'S A BLESSING THAT HE IS GONE FROM MY LIFE RIGHT?!?!?!?
Why do I feel this way even after he has stolen from me, verbally abused me, made me cried and sad for 3 years? I dont understand..
Him getting into a new relationship could be a closure for me right?
I should feel Happy. I got out of a nightmare.. I really should feel Happy but I am crying right now.
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Join Date: Mar 2002
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IT'S A BLESSING THAT HE IS GONE FROM MY LIFE RIGHT?!?!?!?....Why do I feel this way even after he has stolen from me, verbally abused me, made me cried and sad for 3 years? I dont understand..
Learn from this, grow from the experience, and never ever let anyone treat you like that again. Take back your life, girl, and live it well, as life was meant to be lived. Close the door on the past and walk forward in wonderful new beginnings...they await you just around the bend in the road ahead...I promise.
Hugs
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Oooops, this is why I deactivated my Facebook account when A&AXBF and I broke up. And why I do not take any phone calls from him. Because I KNOW that they jump from relationship to relationship and that I would be replaced almost immediately. And, while I was serious and committed to us, HE was not. Otherwise, he would not have abandoned me, our home or our future the way he has. Please try to understand, and I KNOW it is hard because I am in so much pain right now for the same reason as you, he has not just entered a nice, loving, happily-ever-after union. He's just gotten himself another enabler. That's all it is to an addict or alcoholic. They surround themselves with ONLY those people who will enable him to drink and/or drug. He could never meet your requirements for a healthy life or partnership, could he? Because he was not ABLE. And he is still not able. All the dysfunction you saw will continue. He has not magically changed into anything just because he has met someone else.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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Here is something that helped me deal with this issue yesterday. It is by Dr Floyd Garrett, who has some good articles you should read. Just google his name with "addiction," and go to his website. The articles are listed in a side column. Read Addiction, Lies & Relationships first. In the meantime, here's an excerpt from one of his other articles:
"What kind of a world view is compatible with addiction? Almost any philosophy that does not include and will not permit happiness, healthy and balanced behavior, sustaining relationships, rigorous honesty with and about oneself, and some kind of spiritual connection(even though it may not be called that). Addiction thrives best in an atmosphere of unhappiness, resentment, alienation and estrangement, secrecy, mistrust and in most cases, ultimate despair of meaning.*And it cannot continue for long in the opposite atmosphere, i.e. one of happiness, emotional well-being, healthy relationships and genuine honesty. Serious addiction, therefore, necessarily points in the direction of an unhappy and dissatisfied world view, and away from the opposite, happier and healthier perspective. A happy addict is a contradiction in terms."
"What kind of a world view is compatible with addiction? Almost any philosophy that does not include and will not permit happiness, healthy and balanced behavior, sustaining relationships, rigorous honesty with and about oneself, and some kind of spiritual connection(even though it may not be called that). Addiction thrives best in an atmosphere of unhappiness, resentment, alienation and estrangement, secrecy, mistrust and in most cases, ultimate despair of meaning.*And it cannot continue for long in the opposite atmosphere, i.e. one of happiness, emotional well-being, healthy relationships and genuine honesty. Serious addiction, therefore, necessarily points in the direction of an unhappy and dissatisfied world view, and away from the opposite, happier and healthier perspective. A happy addict is a contradiction in terms."
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Why do I feel this way even after he has stolen from me, verbally abused me, made me cried and sad for 3 years? I dont understand..
You are a SMART, independent, capable woman and you deserve the same from a man.
When I divorced my AXH I thought that I would never marry again. I was so broken. But I DID meet a man. A good man. And we've been married now for 27 years. The difference between a relationship with an addict and a healthy man is like night and day. You now have the opportunity to experience that. Staying in that unhealthy relationship would have robbed you of that opportunity.
Now.....breathe.....focus.......get that dang bar exam behind you and begin living! You deserve good things in life.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
....and oooops, try to keep in perspective that you are very vulnerable right now. You are very stressed about the exam, mentally exhausted (I'm sure) from studying, and now this. Please consider suspending that FB account at least until you get thru the exam. You absolutely don't need that kind of ****!!! It's not worth it.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
I understand what you are going through. After 7 years, I asked my ex to leave back in November, however, we did not break up. By December he latched on to a woman he met in AA and told me he could not be in our relationship and focus on his sobriety (a blessing in disguise). It hurt me so much at the time. I felt the same as you...after all I had been through, and believe me it was HELL, how could he so easily replace me? I blocked him from calling and texting but he could still call my work. Mostly, I would hang up but there were many times I would engage him and each time I did, it was crazy making. He insisted all along that they were just friends, and then began to beg me to come home. When that didn't work, he begged me to at least be in a relationship while trying to work on ourselves and living apart. Thank God, I stood strong and didn't relent, but he did not leave me alone for a long time. Come to find out he was living with her at least by March...and who knows, it was probably even sooner than that! Meanwhile, he keeps relapsing, he went to jail, she has kicked him out, all in a matter of a few months. This man was still proclaiming his undying love and asking me to be in his life up until a month ago, all the while in a relationship that he kept insisting did not exist. I usually do not talk about my ex, but i want you to know, I feel your pain. I think it is about our egos. We know we do not want to be in the relationship and that it is unhealthy but there is that part of you that wants to still have a shred of hope that they would step up, find recovery and be able to be there with us. Instead, and it seems to be a common theme on these boards, they take the soft landing, but we think they are going to miraculously be a changed man, treat this woman like a queen and live happily ever after. I am in no way judging, but a woman who would take our ex's in the state they are in is NOT a healthy woman. I can say this because I was that woman. I had low self worth due to experiences from my childhood. People with addictions are so easily able to pick out those with vulnerabilities. This new woman will find out soon enough what he is about and it's on her what she chooses to do and if she is strong enough to break away, he will just move on to the next one. What worked for me is true total no contact and not to engage with him in any way, not ask his family about him, not snoop and look at things I shouldn't, because I have done that, too! I blocked anyone associated with him from my Facebook because it was so easy to look at their pages and then it would trigger me and I'd feel bad. It has been over a month now for me and I do have rough moments but I am feeling so much better and you will, too. I promise.:ghug3
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Southeastern MA
Posts: 149
Oooops, I could have written most of what you said. My ex is yet to be in a new relationship but alot of the feelings are still there (buried and slowly dissipating but still there). I've been fine since he left and then late last night, watching some feel-good movie, in the middle, all of a sudden I started crying. Wasn't even thinking about him so I surprised myself.
What I think happens is that we are doing double duty here - we are mourning the end of a relationship with a partner we loved - extremely emotional and sad as it is - and we've also ended a relationship with someone who was an addict and are reeling and healing from the destruction it caused. It's no wonder our emotions and feelings around them are a bit confusing!
I could still look at him and have moments where I melt but that's just the attraction on the surface. I then remind myself of everything else and it's back to simply mourning the loss of a relationship.
It sounds like you really have your life together and I would focus on that because I'll bet there is one lucky guy sometime in the future who you will meet and you will realize what life is supposed to be like.
Good luck with everything!!
What I think happens is that we are doing double duty here - we are mourning the end of a relationship with a partner we loved - extremely emotional and sad as it is - and we've also ended a relationship with someone who was an addict and are reeling and healing from the destruction it caused. It's no wonder our emotions and feelings around them are a bit confusing!
I could still look at him and have moments where I melt but that's just the attraction on the surface. I then remind myself of everything else and it's back to simply mourning the loss of a relationship.
It sounds like you really have your life together and I would focus on that because I'll bet there is one lucky guy sometime in the future who you will meet and you will realize what life is supposed to be like.
Good luck with everything!!
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
yes, I too can understand the emotional struggle. it is part of the whole process of the crazymaking part of addiction/codependency.
somewhere deep inside is that oh so romantic part of me that wants to still believe that some miracle could have turned this all around. in fact, miracles DO happen...and I pray that in the case of my ex that he does experience the grace...the LIFE...of recovery. However, I keep close to my heart the fact that the miracle required would take well over 12 months...and so any sort of hope or vision has to be way long term.
this helps me, because KNOWING that, I can only envision where I WILL BE in a years time!! I know how far I have come in the last year!!
if my ex were to start engaging in entangling another woman I would feel bad for both of them. I know all of his charisma, charm, sweetness and intelligence comes with a price tag that my spirit, thank god, refuses to pay. I will not feed my heart, my hope, my dreams...to the demon of addiction. he uses his charms, his beauty and gifts of his spirit to find enablers. how sad, how truly sad.
I heard once on here the term "stable of enablers" and it was like a bright light shone down on the machinations of the addict. it doesn't even have to be malicious or intentional...it just is what it is, it goes with the territory. I practice my gratitude for not living with that anxiety and vacuum of dis-trust.
I remember what it was like when he would disappear, and it makes it easy to turn my heart and hope forward on my path, while leaving a prayer here and there for his.
somewhere deep inside is that oh so romantic part of me that wants to still believe that some miracle could have turned this all around. in fact, miracles DO happen...and I pray that in the case of my ex that he does experience the grace...the LIFE...of recovery. However, I keep close to my heart the fact that the miracle required would take well over 12 months...and so any sort of hope or vision has to be way long term.
this helps me, because KNOWING that, I can only envision where I WILL BE in a years time!! I know how far I have come in the last year!!
if my ex were to start engaging in entangling another woman I would feel bad for both of them. I know all of his charisma, charm, sweetness and intelligence comes with a price tag that my spirit, thank god, refuses to pay. I will not feed my heart, my hope, my dreams...to the demon of addiction. he uses his charms, his beauty and gifts of his spirit to find enablers. how sad, how truly sad.
I heard once on here the term "stable of enablers" and it was like a bright light shone down on the machinations of the addict. it doesn't even have to be malicious or intentional...it just is what it is, it goes with the territory. I practice my gratitude for not living with that anxiety and vacuum of dis-trust.
I remember what it was like when he would disappear, and it makes it easy to turn my heart and hope forward on my path, while leaving a prayer here and there for his.
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I have been told my ex is in a new relationship. It was like a kick in the head, partly because he can't be bothered seeing a solicitor to arrange access to our daughter and he certainly can't pay any child support.. But he can get into a new relationship wtf. Then it was like.. He's such a heartless *******, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else (in reality I already knew he's heartless and when I got over the shock I was surprised it has taken him this long). But then another feeling hit- pity for her. I wish I could warn her. I wish I could tell her exactly why he bad mouths me and the mother of his other children- fear someone might take what we say seriously. I want to save her. Noone deserves to be abused by him, but I have to bear in mind I'm not superwoman and I have done pretty well to save myself, never mind random women he meets.
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Oooops, almost the exact thing happened to me. I got on facebook and looked at his page, it shows he added a girl as a friend that I know he has to be living with and using. It put me back into all the shock, hurt, and anger I felt too many times before. I have gotten rid of facebook so that I won't be tempted to look again. I know what he is doing. He is using and has found yet another woman to take care of him. He cares nothing for her. When he gets tired of her, or she him, or when he ends up in some other crisis that I know he will, he wil be back. It may sound crazy but I love him and don't honestly know what I will do when that happens. I am praying that by the time it does, I will have moved on to the point where I can be strong enough not to be sucked back in.
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Thank you everyone for reaching out and waving some light at me when I feel like the walls around are closing in ~ The compassion of strangers never ceases to amaze me. If I did not have the experience that I had, I would never be brought here to learn and to maybe make a small difference in someone's life with something that I leave behind.
Ann, your post made me cried. I know that everything about that Goodbye was good for me. I need to keep looking forward.
I feel blessed to have cross path with all of you wise ladies. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness.
Today I tell myself:
"CHIN UP ANNA!! YOU CAN DO IT!!"
Sometimes our blessings come strangely wrapped and believe it or not, I think this may be one of the finest blessings you ever received.
Learn from this, grow from the experience, and never ever let anyone treat you like that again. Take back your life, girl, and live it well, as life was meant to be lived. Close the door on the past and walk forward in wonderful new beginnings...they await you just around the bend in the road ahead...I promise.
Learn from this, grow from the experience, and never ever let anyone treat you like that again. Take back your life, girl, and live it well, as life was meant to be lived. Close the door on the past and walk forward in wonderful new beginnings...they await you just around the bend in the road ahead...I promise.
I feel blessed to have cross path with all of you wise ladies. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kindness.
Today I tell myself:
"CHIN UP ANNA!! YOU CAN DO IT!!"
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I know all of his charisma, charm, sweetness and intelligence comes with a price tag that my spirit, thank god, refuses to pay. I will not feed my heart, my hope, my dreams...to the demon of addiction. he uses his charms, his beauty and gifts of his spirit to find enablers. how sad, how truly sad.
He could never meet your requirements for a healthy life or partnership, could he? Because he was not ABLE. And he is still not able. All the dysfunction you saw will continue. He has not magically changed into anything just because he has met someone else.
Kindeyes thank you for the gentle gentle words.
TJP, you are right... THIS SHIET IS NOT WORTH IT!!! $O*&@#(*&#*
Hopeful, let's work hard together to heal our spirit. I've read your stories and it sounds like we came from a very similar place.
SuzieMarie, Windmill and thislittlelight, thank you all for reaching out. I am so grateful.
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So everyone knows that Katie Holmes filed for divorce from Tom Cruise right?
One of my guilty pleasures is celeb gossip and fashion ~
I read something on MSN Wonderwall today and it inspired me. (Find inspiration everywhere right?) On an interview for Elle Magazine, Katie Holmes said "I am starting to come into my own"
The following quote read:
On Tom:
"He has been Tom Cruise for 30 years ... I know who I am and where I am and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that."
I think I could apply the same attitude to my own experience:
He has been a heroin addict for a decade. I know who I am, where I am, and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that.
now if you want to see the quote with a picture of Katie Holmes looking like a strong independent woman...
Katie Holmes: 'I'm Starting To Come Into My Own' | Gallery | Wonderwall
One of my guilty pleasures is celeb gossip and fashion ~
I read something on MSN Wonderwall today and it inspired me. (Find inspiration everywhere right?) On an interview for Elle Magazine, Katie Holmes said "I am starting to come into my own"
The following quote read:
On Tom:
"He has been Tom Cruise for 30 years ... I know who I am and where I am and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that."
I think I could apply the same attitude to my own experience:
He has been a heroin addict for a decade. I know who I am, where I am, and where I want to go, so I want to focus on that.
now if you want to see the quote with a picture of Katie Holmes looking like a strong independent woman...
Katie Holmes: 'I'm Starting To Come Into My Own' | Gallery | Wonderwall
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Originally Posted by HopefulGF65 
What I think happens is that we are doing double duty here - we are mourning the end of a relationship with a partner we loved - extremely emotional and sad as it is - and we've also ended a relationship with someone who was an addict and are reeling and healing from the destruction it caused. It's no wonder our emotions and feelings around them are a bit confusing!
I am sorry your feeling this way I just went through something similar the feeling will get better that I promise. :ghug3
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OH! I didn't know about Tom and Katie!! Good!! I've always had a gut feeling about that guy...creeps me out. And she's filing for SOLE custody!? That speaks volumes right there. YOU GO, Katie!!!
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Whoever ends up with him will not have a better experience than me right?
Even though he is not on heroin right now?? During our last communication I asked him, "Do you still drink?" he said "just a beer here and there to relax sometimes."
During our convo, he also sounded so confident and full of energy... how he's got this great, amazing job... everything is so wonderful right now.
The new girlfriend is not going to be more "special" than I am right? this is one of the things i struggle with ~
it feels like I got all the worst time aka HELL with him and now that he is not using heroin, he is with someone new and falling in love (if that is even possible with him).
Even though he is not on heroin right now?? During our last communication I asked him, "Do you still drink?" he said "just a beer here and there to relax sometimes."
During our convo, he also sounded so confident and full of energy... how he's got this great, amazing job... everything is so wonderful right now.
The new girlfriend is not going to be more "special" than I am right? this is one of the things i struggle with ~
it feels like I got all the worst time aka HELL with him and now that he is not using heroin, he is with someone new and falling in love (if that is even possible with him).
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Join Date: Dec 2011
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The woman who came after me got a man who cannot keep his own roof over his head, a man who was lying to 2 women at once (me and her), a man who was not truthful about his recovery, a man who ended up in jail for violating an Order of Protection, a man who called me sometime in May and told me he was doing so well, that he was focusing on himself, that he needed to take a bath in AA and then 12 hours later showed up at my doorstep high with 2 gals in his car who were looking for crack. I am not bashing him..it is what it is. Change, true change, is so hard and takes a lifetime commitment. I know it by just how hard I am working on myself. I do not think your ex, or mine, are anywhere near being healthy. Just my 2 cents.
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Originally Posted by oooopps
Whoever ends up with him will not have a better experience than me right?
Even though he is not on heroin right now?? During our last communication I asked him, "Do you still drink?" he said "just a beer here and there to relax sometimes."
During our convo, he also sounded so confident and full of energy... how he's got this great, amazing job... everything is so wonderful right now.
The new girlfriend is not going to be more "special" than I am right? this is one of the things i struggle with ~
it feels like I got all the worst time aka HELL with him and now that he is not using heroin, he is with someone new and falling in love (if that is even possible with him).
Even though he is not on heroin right now?? During our last communication I asked him, "Do you still drink?" he said "just a beer here and there to relax sometimes."
During our convo, he also sounded so confident and full of energy... how he's got this great, amazing job... everything is so wonderful right now.
The new girlfriend is not going to be more "special" than I am right? this is one of the things i struggle with ~
it feels like I got all the worst time aka HELL with him and now that he is not using heroin, he is with someone new and falling in love (if that is even possible with him).
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