Please I need some help. Anyone
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
You feel this way because there are still emotions there. Its okay to feel this way, but good riddance. You should be glad you are 3 hours away. You might be lonely too. Which is also ok. The thing is, an addict is No good for you. Be glad you didn't have babies with this man. You are free. You have your whole life in front of you to make great choices. You need a non addict. Take this time to make a list of deal breakers for your next man and stick to it. Consider yourself lucky. You will find love again.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
oops you're asking all the wrong questions about this.
you should be asking yourself, why do i even care? when you can answer that then you will be looking for answers about yourself, and not some idiot who doesn't deserve you.
thank your lucky stars (for you seem to have a lot going for you...prob more than you know) that you no longer have him in your life.
(btw, of course everything sounds awesome in his life right now...hes in the wooing stage, so it has to look that way)
cut off those ex bf shackles you seem to like carrying around, do something ceremoniously like burn some karma candles, or throw out things (don't have to be related to him either) that are no longer useful in your life, and start a new day with a smile on your face.
you should be asking yourself, why do i even care? when you can answer that then you will be looking for answers about yourself, and not some idiot who doesn't deserve you.
thank your lucky stars (for you seem to have a lot going for you...prob more than you know) that you no longer have him in your life.
(btw, of course everything sounds awesome in his life right now...hes in the wooing stage, so it has to look that way)
cut off those ex bf shackles you seem to like carrying around, do something ceremoniously like burn some karma candles, or throw out things (don't have to be related to him either) that are no longer useful in your life, and start a new day with a smile on your face.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oooops, after crying ALL DAY over A&AXBF, I saw my therapist. (Cried all the way there, too). What she said really made me feel better. She asked, is every relationship you've been in to rescue someone? I said I didn't think I DID rescue him. So then she asked a bunch of questions and I realized there were a couple red flags that I did not heed. When we first started out, he had no job, had no car, was living with his sister and had less than a year clean (if I remember correctly). Then she asked about his education and some other things and asked did I always get involved with men who were beneath me in education, income, assets, etc. And I realized that I overlooked and excused all those things because he and his family were all just bashing the ex-wife. I did not have any standards and I just went with the first guy who came along (on Facebook no less!!) who paid me some attention.
I look at his XW and she is also addicted and alcoholic and I KNOW that he will either wind up going back with her "for the kids' sake" or he will be with someone JUST LIKE THEM: Alcoholic and addicted. I'm betting the same with the heroin addict you used to be with. Don't cry, we are going to find us some really good guys next time!
I look at his XW and she is also addicted and alcoholic and I KNOW that he will either wind up going back with her "for the kids' sake" or he will be with someone JUST LIKE THEM: Alcoholic and addicted. I'm betting the same with the heroin addict you used to be with. Don't cry, we are going to find us some really good guys next time!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Learn2Live,
Thank you for sharing your insights.
I am 27.. turning 28 at the end of this month and I have had 3 boyfriends in my whole life.
First one together for 5 years - met him in high school, was with him until mid college when he cheated on me with my then friend. They are now married. He is still going to a community college (it's been 10 years since we graduated from high school) and doesn't really have a good job. He is a security guard at a high school. That relationship was puppy love. 16-21 ... I got over the heartache, betrayal and moved on - with this guy, I used to clean his room, tutor him math, made sure he did his school work, clean and detailed his car... wow he sounds like my kid when I dont even have any.
Second boyfriend. Super smart guy. Graduated with the second highest GPA from his high school (packed with overachieving Asian kids, him being one of them). He graduated from UCLA in 3 years and got into law school with scholarship on his 4th year. He was the youngest law student in his class then, at 21. We broke up during his first year of law school. He was overwhelmed, I was trying to get into law school myself, there was distance so it ended. I think this was the most normal relationship although most of the time when we were together, he did not have a car and I had to pick him up and drive everywhere. He was a nice person though, it just didnt work out.
Third guy - Heroin Addict. Woooow How did I get here? Met him in my first year of law school at a grocery store when he was a cashier (again what was I thinking?). So charming, very handsome (I no longer feel this way), so funny and he kept flirting with me. Fell hard... hard on my ass alright. Was in this mess all the way until I graduated law school and left the state. I spent my ALL DAY of my Law School Graduation Day CRYING because he refused to talk to me when I tried to alert his parents that he was using heroin again.
I am the most hurt and most most traumatized by my third relationship with the heroin addict.
What hurts me:
I gave him a period of my life that was very very critical to my future. I could have gotten better grades, I could have enjoyed my out-of-state experience, I could have been happier but all of it was robbed from me. He ALWAYS begged for forgiveness and promised how much he loved me. In this madness, I had to juggle my already intense classes .. trying to maintain the GPA to not get kicked out... on top of caring for him. For those of you not familiar with how law school works, first year is when they weed out the most people, second year they continue to weed people out. It was sooo stressful for me to concentrate on my studies on already very difficult materials and trying to keep up with him. Driving him, picking him up, buying things, driving him to work 30 miles one way in the snow storm and EVERYDAY for a while (when I'm from Southern California and can hardly drive normally in regular conditions) . Driving him to his job interview when I had food poisoning and was vomiting and going to the bathroom every half hour. Trying to look for doctors and places that will help him detox, driving him to his parole officers... There are just soooo much sacrifices...
Moreover, I should have been HAPPY AND PROUD on my graduation day. My parents, flew out and cheered so loud for me. They are first generation immigrants and it just meant the world to them that their daughter made it this far. I still remember moving to America when I was younger not speaking a word of English.
Sorry for writing so much...
I want to let go. But the wounds are SO freaking deep. I feel forever traumatized. And the A**hole had the nerve to call me just 2 weeks ago to *TALK*.
ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M DONE! NO MORE MEN!!!! PUPPIES AND KITTENS FOREVER!
Thank you for sharing your insights.
I am 27.. turning 28 at the end of this month and I have had 3 boyfriends in my whole life.
First one together for 5 years - met him in high school, was with him until mid college when he cheated on me with my then friend. They are now married. He is still going to a community college (it's been 10 years since we graduated from high school) and doesn't really have a good job. He is a security guard at a high school. That relationship was puppy love. 16-21 ... I got over the heartache, betrayal and moved on - with this guy, I used to clean his room, tutor him math, made sure he did his school work, clean and detailed his car... wow he sounds like my kid when I dont even have any.
Second boyfriend. Super smart guy. Graduated with the second highest GPA from his high school (packed with overachieving Asian kids, him being one of them). He graduated from UCLA in 3 years and got into law school with scholarship on his 4th year. He was the youngest law student in his class then, at 21. We broke up during his first year of law school. He was overwhelmed, I was trying to get into law school myself, there was distance so it ended. I think this was the most normal relationship although most of the time when we were together, he did not have a car and I had to pick him up and drive everywhere. He was a nice person though, it just didnt work out.
Third guy - Heroin Addict. Woooow How did I get here? Met him in my first year of law school at a grocery store when he was a cashier (again what was I thinking?). So charming, very handsome (I no longer feel this way), so funny and he kept flirting with me. Fell hard... hard on my ass alright. Was in this mess all the way until I graduated law school and left the state. I spent my ALL DAY of my Law School Graduation Day CRYING because he refused to talk to me when I tried to alert his parents that he was using heroin again.
I am the most hurt and most most traumatized by my third relationship with the heroin addict.
What hurts me:
I gave him a period of my life that was very very critical to my future. I could have gotten better grades, I could have enjoyed my out-of-state experience, I could have been happier but all of it was robbed from me. He ALWAYS begged for forgiveness and promised how much he loved me. In this madness, I had to juggle my already intense classes .. trying to maintain the GPA to not get kicked out... on top of caring for him. For those of you not familiar with how law school works, first year is when they weed out the most people, second year they continue to weed people out. It was sooo stressful for me to concentrate on my studies on already very difficult materials and trying to keep up with him. Driving him, picking him up, buying things, driving him to work 30 miles one way in the snow storm and EVERYDAY for a while (when I'm from Southern California and can hardly drive normally in regular conditions) . Driving him to his job interview when I had food poisoning and was vomiting and going to the bathroom every half hour. Trying to look for doctors and places that will help him detox, driving him to his parole officers... There are just soooo much sacrifices...
Moreover, I should have been HAPPY AND PROUD on my graduation day. My parents, flew out and cheered so loud for me. They are first generation immigrants and it just meant the world to them that their daughter made it this far. I still remember moving to America when I was younger not speaking a word of English.
Sorry for writing so much...
I want to let go. But the wounds are SO freaking deep. I feel forever traumatized. And the A**hole had the nerve to call me just 2 weeks ago to *TALK*.
ANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M DONE! NO MORE MEN!!!! PUPPIES AND KITTENS FOREVER!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
oooops, I know the hurt you are feeling feels like it could rip you in two, doesn't it? A couple of days ago, no lie, I hurt so bad I thought I would have to check myself into a hospital. But I didn't. Know why? Because I have been thru this pain before and I KNOW I am going to make it through in one piece and I am going to be a stronger woman for it. And so will you.
But I have some advice I will pray tonight, literally, that you take it. While you are in pain, investigate yourself and why you love a heroin addict. Because it is not by chance that this happened. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And please go to some Al-Anon meetings. I know this work is nothing compared to law school. You could probably finish the book in two days. And they say to go to 6 meetings before you decide whether or not it's right for you. Trust me, at your age this is the perfect time for this to have happened. The first time it happened to me, I was 29, and what I learned from it changed my life completely. I saw and understood the world through different eyes.
But I have some advice I will pray tonight, literally, that you take it. While you are in pain, investigate yourself and why you love a heroin addict. Because it is not by chance that this happened. Please read Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. And please go to some Al-Anon meetings. I know this work is nothing compared to law school. You could probably finish the book in two days. And they say to go to 6 meetings before you decide whether or not it's right for you. Trust me, at your age this is the perfect time for this to have happened. The first time it happened to me, I was 29, and what I learned from it changed my life completely. I saw and understood the world through different eyes.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
$6,000 is a lot of money to pay to have a boyfriend. Don't feel bad, I'm out 20k for my last one. Fix your issue now, as this gets more expensive as you get older. I can just see you 20 yrs from now, big lawyer, defending your BF in drug court. LOL That was a joke but it could happen!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
Learn2Live, you sound like a big sister figure to me. Thank you for your comforting words. I appreciate the humor!! You made me laugh! Hahaha
If I make it as a lawyer, I am going to put this experience into being a GOOD LAWYER. It has always been my aspirations to help and protect people. Something must have looked out for me in that 3 years... I mean I really could have dropped out considering the chaos. Although this experience, as hard as it was/is, did help me become more compassionate to the plight and suffering of others.
Maybe meeting this addict was meant to help me become stronger. If I am stronger coupled with logic, I will be of better assistance to my clients. If that is the case, then the experience will be worth it.
If I make it as a lawyer, I am going to put this experience into being a GOOD LAWYER. It has always been my aspirations to help and protect people. Something must have looked out for me in that 3 years... I mean I really could have dropped out considering the chaos. Although this experience, as hard as it was/is, did help me become more compassionate to the plight and suffering of others.
Maybe meeting this addict was meant to help me become stronger. If I am stronger coupled with logic, I will be of better assistance to my clients. If that is the case, then the experience will be worth it.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
ooooops - I say with love and respect but it will help when you stop blaming him for all that has happened. YOU made the choices to help him. I did too!!!
Playing the victim for me was sooooo unhealthy. It kept me in a viscous cycle of despair. It was far easier to accept that I made some very stupid choices and stop the blame game. I accepted it, I forgave myself, I am still learning so I never make the same mistakes.
His loss and someday this will be a faint memory. I promise!! Just be open to learning the lesson needed. xoxox
Playing the victim for me was sooooo unhealthy. It kept me in a viscous cycle of despair. It was far easier to accept that I made some very stupid choices and stop the blame game. I accepted it, I forgave myself, I am still learning so I never make the same mistakes.
His loss and someday this will be a faint memory. I promise!! Just be open to learning the lesson needed. xoxox
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Sunshine, Sea Breeze & Palm Trees
Posts: 282
LMN, I appreciate that thought.
Can you elaborate? How should I view the addict to make peace with my wounds (if I'm not the victim)? It's hard to swallow that I did all this to myself when all the efforts and intentions were coming from a source of kindness and care.
Can you elaborate? How should I view the addict to make peace with my wounds (if I'm not the victim)? It's hard to swallow that I did all this to myself when all the efforts and intentions were coming from a source of kindness and care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 528
Everyone shows their good side on Facebook. People don't post pictures of their miserable times, they post happy pics. It doesn't mean anything. We know addicts use people.
You are doing for you right now, getting through your Bar exam. this is positive, though stressful. You are taking a hard look at codependency issues, also very positive. Yes, you are in the fire right now, but if you keep going you have the opportunity to come through changed, strong, confident, healthy, stable. To build a good future. Don't mistake a shallow Facebook facade of a parasitic individual and his newest host, for something better than what you have.
You are doing for you right now, getting through your Bar exam. this is positive, though stressful. You are taking a hard look at codependency issues, also very positive. Yes, you are in the fire right now, but if you keep going you have the opportunity to come through changed, strong, confident, healthy, stable. To build a good future. Don't mistake a shallow Facebook facade of a parasitic individual and his newest host, for something better than what you have.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
oops the funny thing as i read LMN response she wrote what i was about to. i use blame everyone else for my lifes shortfalls. my life sucked. my unhappy marriage was because of my ex husband being an Ar5sehole, having no respect at work, was because they didn't understand me, feeling like a failure was because (go back to ex husband comment). never me. i read a book that changed my life. PASSIONATE MARRIAGE. it taught me about choices. that only we are in control of the choices we make for ourselves and not others. we can not control others. every option comes with at least 2 choices. even if one is a really sucky one, there is ALWAYS A CHOICE. you have been making poor choices so far. look around you, you are not alone in that club. but there aren't too many of us now that haven't learned at least to recognise that we are responsible for some of the crap we find ourselves in today. not everyone has learnt how to change those unhealthy behaviours (including myself), but we are definitely aware of the fact that we are responsible for our own choices.
it is actually a very powerful moment when you realise that you are the one in charge of you and that you no longer have to accept the crap that someone else is feeding you. its very empowering. when you own your choices, you can then start making better ones.
it is actually a very powerful moment when you realise that you are the one in charge of you and that you no longer have to accept the crap that someone else is feeding you. its very empowering. when you own your choices, you can then start making better ones.
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