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I kicked him out today

Old 03-23-2012, 04:35 PM
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I kicked him out today

He admitted to drinking 4 beers, then puking outside my house. Who knows what else he was on.

I told him to leave immediately. He took all his clothes, and blankets and belongings. He has a cell phone of his own. I have no financial ties to him, meaning his car is his and paid for, his car insurance is his own, etc.

He has a past history of cutting and suicidal thoughts and is on anti-depression and axniety medications.

I gave him $30 for gas and non-perishable food from my house. I told him this was all I would ever give him again, and to not ask me for any more money.

Now of course, I am having the "waht-if" feelings, of well what if, because this is the "lowest" or bottom he's reached, what if he kills himself. I will have guilt. I am going through all these "what-if's" now.

I attend Al-Anon, and recently began my 30 in 30 for Al-anon meetings.

Anyone with advice - it will be greatly appreciated.
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Old 03-23-2012, 04:52 PM
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Hello OC, it is so hard to stay by your boundaries. Just know that by making him be accountable for HIS LIFE, you are allowing him to choose how he wants to live. I am in a similar situation in that my son left his SLE due to relapse and now he is out of contact. I am struggling with guilt, but I keep reading the posts here that reinforce this:
1: You did not cause it
2: You cannot cure it
3: You cannot control it.

Your son will learn as all A's the outcome of the choices they are making. Give it up so that you can have peace. He has a car so he will not be on the streets.
My heart and prayers go to you for peace in your decision.

Teresa
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Old 03-23-2012, 04:53 PM
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The money will probably go to more booze or whatever else he uses, but other than that, you did great! Stay strong. You know he'll be contacting you at some point with promises and lies. If you are truly done, then BE done.
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Old 03-23-2012, 05:38 PM
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I know how you feel. I know that was the hardest thing you have ever done! But he is gods son too and he will now be able to help him. You did the best thing for your son, though the hardest thing for a parent.

I have been through it with both my AS's and they will stay away for a while months even. But they do call or come back hopefully clean or in recovery. All that is left is prayers and I will include you and your A in mine.

Stay strong YOU DID THE RIGHT THING! Truly it is in his best interest. He must feel the consequences for his own choices or they will get worse.

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Old 03-23-2012, 06:24 PM
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(((OCHalo))) - I am 50 years old, but I got deep into addiction in my 40's. Five years into recovery, I'm still dealing with consequences of my addiction, but I am grateful.

My immediate family (mostly my dad...I am an only child, though he remarried after my mom died and stepmom is an A/ACOA/codie, step-siblings have all had issues with addiction).

My dad let me dig a really deep hole of addiction. He has NO CLUE about what addiction is, but there came a time when he couldn't help me. I am forever grateful to him. Not only did he let me dig my deep hole, he's let me figure out ways to get back OUT of that whole.

He has supported my recovery, because my actions speak way louder than any words I could say. I am back to living at home, but now? I'm the "responsible one". I'm the one he depends on to help with his business, to take care of the house when stepmom is off visiting family (and doctors to get more pills).

I know, without a shadow of a doubt, I show ANY signs of addiction, I will be shown the door and told to leave.

I've been working my codie-recovery along with my addiction one because they are very intertwined. I am the one person in this family who sets boundaries...and usually (I'm not perfect) sticks to them.

Though I am way older than your son, trust me....being left to deal with the consequences of my addiction? It's the greatest gift my loved ones ever gave me.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 03-23-2012, 09:13 PM
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(((OCHalo))) - Wow, what you just did is so difficult. I just went through it a couple of weeks ago, and it was traumatizing. But not as traumatizing as finding my AS passed out in his bed the week before with a syringe on the floor. Or finding papers from heroin packs scattered all over his room. Or him traipsing through the house at all hours of the night with scary looking guys in tow. My telling him to move out was me giving up, surrendering, recognizing that I can't control him. I can only control my life and what I allow into it. It was painful to cut him loose, but I couldn't have all the sordid drama in my life anymore. And I know that I don't deserve all the drama - I am not the one who chose drugs and addiction, after all.

I had no idea what would become of him when I threw him out. For all I knew, he might end up dead, and I knew that. But I had to start protecting myself. As it turned out, he checked himself into a rehab facility after a week of living in his car, something I'm sure he would NOT have done if he had stayed with me. And he's got a totally different attitude towards it than he had the first time. I just talked to him, and he's feeling GOOD. Loving the feeling of being clean. Has already lined up a SLE on his own for when he gets out. Is appreciating the NA meetings he's attending. And he told me that he has been PRAYING - something I have frequently encouraged him to do, but to which he had always turned a deaf ear before. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but these are definitely positive developments.

I'll pray for you and your son. For what it's worth, I think you did the right thing.
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Old 03-23-2012, 10:07 PM
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Thanks everyone for your input, even though I know I did the right thing, I need all the reassurance I can get right now.
I go to Al-Anon everyday, and being on this forum is reassuring, I'm grateful for everyone here.
Thanks
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Old 03-23-2012, 11:09 PM
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I couldn't have prevented any of these possible scenarios when my son lived with me anymore then I can prevent it now that he is living on the streets.

Behaviors such as:
Suicide attempts, overdosing, driving while high and drunk, getting in fights, getting fired from his job, failing college, breaking the law, risks of contracting diseases through needles, and using.

I think it was OutToLunch that said the only way would be locking him in a cage and watching him 24/7.

You have stopped helping him to use. Your actions are truly loving.
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Old 03-24-2012, 02:19 PM
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I've been there too and I thought all of the pain was over. After being clean and sober for one year he relasped and I didn't find out for many months. I was giving him money to finish the semester and they were using it to party.

This time hit me hard, it threw me back into a depression and for months I have been feeling weepy.

BUT I am so very ticked off and embarrassed by his actions. I had to call the police to get the gf to stop harraassing me.

I have no idea where he really is. He stupidly quit his job a year ago to go to school full time (33yo) and gf (37yo) doesn't work so she had plenty of time to harrass all of his friends and drink and pop pain pills all day.

Not her fault that she went along with him in the conn to get money. I'm retired and so very sick, sick, sick, of him and his relationships.

I usually send a nice check for Christmas and his birthday and that is coming up so I am certain I will hear from him around that time. Not this time, he never acknowledges my birthday and for Christmas he sent a ecard about 9 days after.

The advice I was given is to treat him exactly as you would a friend, and I would never be friends with someone that treats me the way he does. I'm tired of no respect.

If anyone had told me that I would have a child like him I never would have had children. But then again I have a loving family other than him!!!

Stay positive and busy! I imagine me actually giving him to God each day, and I pray morning and evening for strength. I also remember and thank God for the positives I have in my life.

Be prepared for the call asking for money and the drama when you refuse! It can drive you crazy if you dwell on it too long!!! Just remember it is their life and we have one too!
(((blessings to you and yours)))
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Old 03-25-2012, 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted by OCHalo View Post
Now of course, I am having the "waht-if" feelings, of well what if, because this is the "lowest" or bottom he's reached, what if he kills himself. I will have guilt. I am going through all these "what-if's" now.

I attend Al-Anon, and recently began my 30 in 30 for Al-anon meetings.

Anyone with advice - it will be greatly appreciated.
It was not necessary for me to kick my daughter out. She willingly left when I made it clear my boundaries were unshakable. Like your son, she had a lot of issues; history of cutting, suicide ideation and prescribed meds which were no longer being prescribed because she was back into full blown addiction.

While she has always had some learning differences and concrete thinking, she was sane and had a will of her own. I eventually reconciled to all the what ifs when I accepted I was indeed powerless over her and her choices.

She was substantially more likely to die a premature death due to drugs and the associated lifestyle than anything else. Nothing short of physical restraint and confinement ( a crime) was going to stop her from putting dope into her body. I had no right to impose myself between her and the consequences of her choices.

She eventually found her own bottom on her own time and cleaned up and she did so in spite of me. It is never lost on me that there was and remains a 50-50 this could have or may at some futre unknown date go the other way.

I chose to live in the present and do my best to not worry about things I cannot control.
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Old 03-25-2012, 02:47 PM
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I put my mum through complete hell, I was never proud of myself for doing that, yet I still drank myself to oblivion every day. that is what alcohol is capable of. It will turn even the nicest of people into lying evil toe rags. I rose above everything in the end and finally quit. but now I feel all that hard work was well worth it. I am now one year dry and loving life's benefits of a sober life.
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Old 03-25-2012, 02:56 PM
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My husband was/is like that. He was a bad alcoholic and addicted to cocaine. He left our 2 young sons and me, came back, got off drugs, but remained an alcoholic. It finally "took him over". He moved out to find "his happiness". There is nothing you can do unless he wants to help his self. Stay strong!
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Old 03-26-2012, 12:24 AM
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Outtolunch>>
leenliz>>
2001jk>>
Thank you all so much for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
Im extremely grateful for this forum, its a good place to build each other up and to talk about whatever is on our hearts.
Thinking of all of you.
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Old 03-26-2012, 03:56 AM
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My most sincere wishes for you to stay strong and to be on the way to finding peace of mind.
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Old 03-26-2012, 05:10 AM
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You did what you had to do for you and for your son. I have done the same, not once....not twice but several times (I'm a slow learner). I'm currently not in contact with my son at all. And I'm ok with that. I accept whatever happens as I know that I have absolutely no control of him or anyone else for that matter. Each morning I start my day with a prayer for my son and all of our addicted loved ones and let it go.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

Lots of gentle hugs
ke
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Old 03-27-2012, 05:30 PM
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How do u just be done with it? How do u stop those what of questions? I feel like I'm waking up from an 8 year nightmare I always asked what if he kills himself what of something ba happens its my fault...now I see so many people think the same way. Wow. I just I didn't realize this was such a common occurrence among families of the abuser. I feel so stupid for letting this go on for as long as it did. I wish u the best and strength because I know it's such a difficult thing to do.
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