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Role of family when addict is in treatment

Old 03-06-2012, 06:41 AM
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bgh
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Role of family when addict is in treatment

My daughter is receiving inpatient treatment for drug addiction. I want to be supportive, but am having trouble figuring out boundaries. She calls me every day and I visit on Saturdays. She asks for things (snacks, toiletries, etc.) and I take them. When we talk, I don't bring up anything that might upset her--really limits the conversation. Has anyone gone through this, and can offer suggestions?
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:51 AM
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Been in treatment twice since September and just got out of a two day detox.

I was sober for 24 years before so I really do know what to do just didn't do it anyway. When I was in treatment the first time there was no contact with my husband. That treatment lasted 6 days from release. The second time I had daily conversations and my mom would visit on Saturday. Kept me feeling wanted and not a complete failure.

Please just let your daughter know you love her.
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Old 03-06-2012, 06:58 AM
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When my D was in inpatient rehab, outside contact was limited. I did bring her some clothing and personal items but she could not call me daily. Your D's program seems more permissive. I think it'd be best to contact someone at the facility to see what they think about your role/situation. Good luck.
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Old 03-06-2012, 07:46 AM
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Originally Posted by bgh View Post

When we talk, I don't bring up anything that might upset her--really limits the conversation. Has anyone gone through this, and can offer suggestions?
I resembled that remark. At the time I did not realize that it was evidence of my own codependency and that by "walking on egg shells" I was trying to control her recovery. I thought, at the time, I was powerful enough to keep her sober or cause a relapse. I was mistaken. If our love and concern could cure them, none of us would be here.

How old is your daughter?
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Old 03-06-2012, 08:47 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Your role is to start and work your own recovery as hard as you can. By going to AlAnon, NarAnon, or CODA, and participating in any family programs the rehab facility may offer.
A therapist who specializes in addiction helped me too, in addition to the above suggestions. I dove into family week at rehab like there was a treasure chest of gold at the bottom, and there was.

I quickly discovered my daughter and I were speaking the same language, instead of speaking in tongues. We began to understand personal boundaries because of 'keeping my side of the street clean'.

A year or so ago, cynical one pointed out that while we can't cure, control, or cause addiction, we can contribute to it. I definitely contributed to my daughter's disease.

By facing and addressing my enabling, control freak, codie thoughts and behaviors, I've gradually become a part of the solution, not the problem.
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Old 03-06-2012, 03:58 PM
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I Understand and it is very confusing. The family meeting at my son's place helped me greatly and this board helped me understand much more. My son entered 3 months ago. The first two weeks were hard,probably on both sides. I told him I was stepping out letting him work on himself. Being 1 1/2 hours away helped me with my issues. We got a list of "rules" and I refered to them in the first two weeks, if he wanted anything.
Good Luck
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Old 03-06-2012, 04:03 PM
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When my son was in rehab, he was in the same state in which he was living and my husband and I were out of state. On family nights, he had no one to come visit him and he said he understood we couldn't be there, but he wishes we were. I sent him "care" packages instead. I let him direct our conversations over the phone. He was in the beginning stages of learning about recovery and he seemed to want to talk about what he was learning.
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Old 03-07-2012, 11:20 AM
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bgh, welcome to SR. I've gone through this 'round and 'round with my AS. Just know that recovery can be a long hard road for all of you, the addict and the family. Personally after my AS's first few failed attempts in rehab, with me trying to do "all I could for him", I had to learn to back off. My so called "help and support" was not helping him or me. That said, indeed call the facility and ask to speak to her therapist and ask for guidance as to what to bring and what not to bring. Read the packet of info that they should have given you when she was admitted. Personally I found that my AS benefitted more when I visited less, and when he had less frequent contact with me. I was his enabler and he always manipulated me, conned me, and I of course allowed this and felt miserable. I still hate the sound of ringing phones. Phones = bad. Agree with the other posters who advised to not be at home when her daily calls come. Or conveniently don't answer. Send her a short letter or card, via snail mail once or twice a week, telling her you love her and so forth. And locate a meeting for you. These are things that helped me when my son gave rehab a try.
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Old 03-07-2012, 02:15 PM
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Thinking back on the rehab experience for my son, I am so glad that my husband and I were out of state at the time. My son would call us and tell us how hard the withdrawal process was for him. He wanted to see a doctor to get some meds to help him sleep. Knowing what I know now, he could have manipulated us into doing something inappropriate. Whatever you do, make sure you clear it with your daughter's counselor. He/she will guide you when your daughter starts to give you the sad sob story of how bad it is for her--and it is bad--but it's what she has to endure in order to get past the withdrawal ordeal and on to recovery.
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