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In need of help with self destructive boyfriend.

Old 02-19-2012, 12:38 PM
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Question In need of help with self destructive boyfriend.

Hello to everyone,
My boyfriend who is an alcoholic has asked me to give me him some time to get his life together because he stated that he did not like who he was right now, did not like where he was at in his life and was tired of being himself. He also stated that he did not think it was fair to string me along during his unhappiness BUT when his life would be in order, he would come back! Im so lost and confused! I have offered to help him many times, offered to sit with him at meetings( btw..he refused to go because he said he went before and it did not do anything for him!), offered to be a listening ear everytime he tought he was going to drink to call me instead or come to my house! His roomate is also a heavy drinker as well as the friends he hangs out with! I have tried to be supportive, caring and available for him but obsviously he rejected my help and wants to be alone...Is this a normal reaction to want to be alone rather than getting support from gf?? Im confused!!!???? I havent seen him in almost 3 weeks and the last time i heard from him was by text on Valentine's day! Although, i respect his wish..I am worried about him ! I am worried that he has not stopped drinking but push me on the side because I was being too pushy on him to slow down on his drinking! I only was doing that because I fell in love with him and wanted the best for him! He has a lot to offer if he is not drinking ! I am new to this type of situation and surely do not know what to do to help him or IF THERE is anything i can do to help him. Should I initiate contact with him once in awhile to see how he is doing or let him initiate contact with me when he is ready???
Our relationship was not the best because he acted at times very selfish, was always tired(does work 2 jobs!), rarely wanted to go anywhere unless alcohol was involved ...but we still had good times together, laughed a lot , enjoyed each other company,declared our love to each other, talked about the futurem,even Made plans for summer to visit his family...etc....
I do miss him a lot and do not know whether I should give up or wait until he feels better about himself!
Please advise. Thank you in advance...
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:50 PM
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I think you should do as he asked and leave him alone. There's no way to know if he is really trying to get himself straightened out or if he just wanted to get away from you because you were interfering with his drinking. I know that sounds harsh, but it really is the only way to look at it.

There is nothing you can do to help him embrace sobriety. You cannot force him to be ready for it...that must come from inside him. If he wants recovery, he'll do whatever he needs to do to achieve that whether you are in the picture or not. To be completely honest, it doesn't sound like he's really ready to do that.

Welcome to SR. You will find a lot of support here for YOU. Please read the stickie posts at the top of the forum. There is a lot of very good information there. One thing to remember is...you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. The only person you have any control over is yourself. Take care of yourself and allow him to figure out his own life.
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Old 02-19-2012, 12:56 PM
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Welcome to SR, you're among friends here who have been where you are.

Sadly, nothing you do or don't do will change whether he gets and/or remains sober. If love could save our addicted loved ones, not one of us would be here.

Maybe take this time to do some thinking of what you want from a relationship and whether you want to be the one doing all the work.

A healthy relationship isn't about two people trying to change each other, it's not about one needy person being taken care of by the other...it's about two people who share common interests and who find joy together just as they are.

Take a read around and make yourself comfortable. My son is the addict in my life, others will be along who have been through relationships such as yours and perhaps they can share how it worked for them.

Again, welcome, I'm glad you joined us.

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Old 02-19-2012, 01:34 PM
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I was going on 6 yrs w/ my xagf. In december she was thrown out by the new abf who had started shooting her up w/ heroin(no one held a gun to her head). She said her choices were me or a going to a drug dealer(drugs were still in her life formula). I sent her to an $18,000 rehab in Florida. She left on day 33 of her recovery(which was not hers, she never "owned it"). She said guys started flirting with her and her self esteem was low(excuses to get high). I threw myself into alanon, NA, naranon, because I wanted to lessen my pain and gain understanding & knowledge. I spoke to several addicts in recovery. I met an extremely brave ex-heroin addict that also had been a cutter. She reassured me of several things. An addict in full addiction is yes hurting, but everything is pure selfishness without regard to the destruction & pain they place on family members, they are immature and do not want to grow up. Their actions are inexcusable. "We dont want to grow up & face our problems. You do, people around us face their problems and some of them are worse, so why shouldn't we. Every reason we use to keep using is an excuse to not face responsibility." This knowlegde was not to trash her or any other addict, but to make me learn the 3 Cs' as stated above, recognize I did not let her down, nothing was my fault when she made herself the victim("he started shooting me up w/ heroin"), if she does not want to live in full recovery neither a free texts letting her know I love her or $18,000,000 will help her recover. She has to want recovery as much as she wanted the drugs. The lady I spoke of stated, "even more because recovery brings happiness, its real".
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