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son is home and i am stressed

Old 01-26-2012, 02:40 PM
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son is home and i am stressed

picked him up from rehab at 10 am. he was excited to come home.
he has an NA meeting at 7. hopefully i can get him to go out to eat.
one of his using friends came over w/out my knowledge. i told my son to come in.
his girlfriend hasn't called him yet. i am afraid she is doing the breakup thing without telling him.

god, i am so codependent.
also bored. can't leave him alone, and he doesn't want to go anywhere.
i am kind of panicking.

he has school tomorrow, and we have some stuff planned for weekend, but what in the world should i be doing?

he is sitting at the computer--nwo in our iving room--listening to music. i know he's bored but i don't know what do to or how to act.

i feel like a terrible mother.

can someone help talk me off the ceiling?
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:15 PM
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Just what I am doing now. Fiddling on the computer, making dinner, etc.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:18 PM
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Hang in there ISO, remember that the boundaries you set need to be followed up with your actions. Day one, okay to ease into it but don't fall into the pattern of avoidance with him every day. He needs to understand your boundaries and acknowledge them.
Hugs from this Mom to you...
TT
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:24 PM
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I was kind of hoping i wouldn't have to pick him up in the morning--i kind of knew this was going to happen. husband is at work and will be working late. it's just him and me.

wow, i am really a wreck. i'm thinking--should i ask him to do his laundry now? he'll need it for school tomorrow. i feel scared and paralyzed. by the way, i totally know that this is ridiculous. i am the one with the problem.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:31 PM
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Put on your pink, sparkly blanket!!

Try to focus on right now (one minute at a time) and not worry about what might happen in the future. Whether or not he has clean clothes for school tomorrow is for him to worry about. If he doesn't care then you certainly shouldn't.

Take a few deep breaths and relax. At the moment things are fine, enjoy this moment!

((hugs))
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:32 PM
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already fighting. he asked me to leave the living room so he could watch tv alone. i said no, this is family space. he said he'd rather not have his computer or xbox if he had to use them down here.

he is outside now. all the rules are posted on the refrigerator--he knows what they are. al-anon says not to provoke, so i am thinking just leave him alone for now, and tell him to do his laundry at 6, before he goes to the meeting.

does that sound good?
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:38 PM
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the blanket is around my shoulders...feel a bit calmer. Thank you Heartbroken!

he is upstairs now. this is testing time, i knew it would come. I cannot leave a room for him. that is just absurd. hopefully he will remember his tools. i wish i could say something, anything, but to him, my talking = weakness.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:39 PM
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Live-blogging After Rehab, Day One!

Y'all are helping me more than you know. Thank you for helping me. I can't believe how scary this is.
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Old 01-26-2012, 03:43 PM
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I'm sorry!!! All I can suggest is to make sure you stand firm to the rules and consequences established before he came home. Is laundry part of the rules? If not I wouldn't worry about it. Eventually he'll get sick of having dirty clothes and will decide for himself it's time to do laundry. I know it's hard to not let him push your buttons but I think you did well! The family room is for the family, if he wants privacy he can go to his room. If he'd rather not have his computer and Xbox if they're in the living room I'm sure that can be arranged.. His choice.

Say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it meanly.

Stay firm mamma!
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Old 01-26-2012, 04:41 PM
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Originally Posted by ISOHumility View Post
already fighting. he asked me to leave the living room so he could watch tv alone. i said no, this is family space. he said he'd rather not have his computer or xbox if he had to use them down here.
Sounds like very typical teen age stuff.

Power struggles between parents and teens are common stuff in most households. He asked. You declined. Oh well.
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Old 01-26-2012, 08:19 PM
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He is pushing the same old buttons Mom. Sober or not, this is what 15 year olds do.
You are the adult, don't forget and don't sweat the laundry. My two teens who live at home do their laundry and if they don't have clean clothes, that is their issue. He is definitely trying to push the envelope. Breathe in, Breathe out and as long as he isn't defying the boundaries, leave him alone for now. Love and Hugs,
Teresa
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Old 01-27-2012, 05:02 AM
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Hi all,

Just an update...

He just left for school. Last night, we got through the limits-testing. His girlfriend finally called. He went to his NA meeting and really liked it--got numbers. He is calling another member after school, who offered to meet him at a meeting tonight.

He is nervous about school today. Concerned about people knowing he was in rehab. I'm praying that he has a good day.

Before my husband and I went to bed, we put a lock on the tV plug and disabled the two computers. If we wouldn't have, he probably would have wandered around the house all night.

My husband found him in the basement at 10 pm. He said he was looking for the cat. This would seem to be true--he was in his pjs,with bare feet. He has sneaked out the basement door before.) If he sneaks out, he will have to live with the consequences.

All in all, though, I think he did well. It was a long, weird, unsettling day for a kid who's been in a structured environment for the past month.
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Old 01-27-2012, 06:26 AM
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It is a good sign if he got phone numbers & liked his first NA meeting after rehab. It is much easier to work the 12 step programs if you actually enjoy the meetings & people who attend.
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Old 01-27-2012, 06:39 AM
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Thanks, Justfor1. Even though this is a difficult situation, I am going to take it one day at a time with him. His IOP starts next Thursday, so NA meeting are his only source of aftercare right now. It does help that he had a positive experience--and, as he told me proudly, he shared.
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Old 01-27-2012, 07:03 AM
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I am rooting for you and your SON!
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Old 01-27-2012, 07:08 AM
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Originally Posted by ISOHumility View Post

his girlfriend hasn't called him yet. i am afraid she is doing the breakup thing without telling him.
I remember back when, worrying about so much stuff I could not control that might upset my daughter and trigger a relapse.

I eventually learned that nothing I could do or say could keep her clean or trigger a relapse. I was not that powerful. None of us are.
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Old 01-27-2012, 07:12 AM
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You made in through day one!

Breathe....and keep your blankie handy. You can do this. Hopefully life will fall into some patterns in the next few weeks.

You and your son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 01-27-2012, 07:21 AM
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Thank you all so much. I am feeling encouraged today and...very sparkly!
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Old 01-27-2012, 06:39 PM
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Thanks, Leise!

He spent all day at school in the guidance office, catching up on his work. He went to a 5:30 NA meeting--again, a positive response. We let him go to a movie with his girlfriend, who waited for him to come back for a month (that's some loyal 14-year-old!). My husband went to pick him up at the movies. His weekend curfew is midnight--he can watch TV until then, if he brings firewood onto the porch, but no computer or XBox. They're both locked in the trunk. At midnight, we take his phone and it's lights out.

Tomorrow, he and my husband repair the hole in his wall that he made one night when his friends were over.

He is doing pretty well so far. He's tested, and I held my boundaries. But each day, I remind myself that I am powerless, and that whether to use is his choice to make, not mine.

How is your stepson doing?
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Old 01-28-2012, 06:44 AM
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Originally Posted by ISOHumility View Post

He is doing pretty well so far. He's tested, and I held my boundaries. But each day, I remind myself that I am powerless, and that whether to use is his choice to make, not mine.
Our home. Our rules. We are responsible for determining house rules and imposing consequences on those who do not follow them.

When we parents become lax in our rules and enforcement, the kids tend to do as they please.

We don't control our minor children's choices.We do have an obligation to impose consequences when we become aware of lousy, illegal and/or harmful choices.

ISOHumility, you are doing a terrific job reclaiming control of your home.
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