verylost

My AH has had his phone cut off, the bank wants his car back, he's storing his stuff in his mother's old house that is empty and for sale (she doesn't know and I just stumbled upon it), he's homeless, jobless and I just realized today he has stolen any jewelry that I didn't have locked up...BUT he still comes around to see the kids a couple times a week. He claims he is clean...but just depressed...I don't believe him at all. He has health insurance he could go check into a psychiatric hospital if that was the case. He always has an excuse or story for everything...he told me that his phone wasn't cut off he dropped it in water and for some reason the service got cut off and it'll get fixed Monday. That doesn't even make sense!!! The only thing that story did was make me freaked out he plans on stealing something else on Monday. Happily he doesn't have any access to my new house...but I'm getting really worried. I honestly don't want him around the kids...I don't even understand why he comes by. I have full custody with control over his visits...I know what I need to do...I need to tell him to bug off and get a lawyer if he wants to see the kids. Why is that so hard for me to do??

EnglishGarden

Where does he see your children? Your home? The grandparents' home?

Kindeyes

It is hard to watch some you love suffer the consequences of their addiction. You'll do what you need to do when you get sick and tired of the pain of watching him self destruct. You can't control him but you can take control of you whenever you're ready.
Gentle hugs
ke

dollydo

I don't have a clue why this is so difficult for you. He steals from you, go to the police station and file a report, press charges.

Go no contact with him until he gets his act together, the children do not need to be exposed to an addict under any circumstances.

Do the responsibile thing for your chikldren, even if you can't do it for yourself.

verylost

You're all right. I always want to help him and feel bad for him...it's insane. I just hope he'll leave on his on...but he doesn't. I tried to talk to him last night...of course he swore he wasn't using. I just need to set some strong boundaries about not being in the house and not seeing the children unless he can prove he is clean and functioning.

Freedom1990

If you don't, it will be the same old same old.

I just let my 34-year-old AD move back in temporarily, and I have plenty of boundaries in place.

She's staying with me not for a place to relax and rest. I'm providing temporary shelter while she finds a job, and then she's responsible for finding a place to stay as my job is done in regard to her.

outtolunch

A boundary in this situation is along the lines of " I will not expose my children to thiefs and drug addicts".

An attempt to control someone elses behavior sounds something like " You can't ____, unless you ____.

There is a difference. A boundary is only as good as our willingness to impose it on ourselves. One does not open their home to take the kids to meet a thief and/or a drug addict when they have and maintain a boundary to not expose their children to thiefs and/or drug addicts.

No is a complete sentence.

zoso77

Because when we love someone, or have loved someone, we may be predisposed to give that person the benefit of the doubt, even in the face of mounting evidence that this person is trouble. You're not the first person to make that judgement. Nor will you be the last.

If you're not currently in Al Anon, I would find a meeting local to you and attend it with eyes and ears open.

As someone that's in the early stages of recovery myself, I'm trying to steer away from giving advice. That being said (and I know you know this), the children come first. Whatever steps you need to take to ensure their well-being, do what you have to do.

I don't have children, so I'm not the best source of advice. But I know there are others here that have been in your shoes. Reach out to them. Listen. Pray. And then take action.

Will be thinking of you and your kids tonight.

Zoso