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roller coaster

Old 11-18-2011, 12:58 PM
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roller coaster

i went through an emotional roller coaster over the past 24 hours. i mean all over the place. plus i had therapy and a meeting. the car pulled into the shed again so i am back to level.

so, rather than just close my eyes and hold on for dear life, i kept them open to try to observe what was happening and why.

since i am bored at work i will take you through the ups and downs and twists and curves- just to i can understand it as i type.

so i was standing in line for the ride like i always do, as soon as the park opens. which means that from the moment i wake i am in line waiting.
my phone rang, the cars pulled up. i answered, i stepped into the car.

hello. hey. the safety bar bar lowered

conversation started, the car leaves the station.

she just called because she was very depressed, said lots of good things about me and her feeling bad about everything. the ride starts nice, its like being on Peter Pans flight in disney. i'm felling good, i feel back to normal

whata nice colorful ride during the conversation. then we say that we will talk tonight. the pretty green flora starts to thin out after about an hour. the ride is level though and at a leisurely pace. the lanscape becomes more of a long flat prairie

time starts to pass and my mind starts to wander and wonder and the scenery begins to change, it is getting grey and the trees grow bare.

a little anxiety builds, gears shift and the ride picks up speed.
my mind wanders and wonders more and more and the rides starts to twist and turn sharply. the anxiety build, the ride speeds up. twisting upward as i figure she is hanging with someone i am threatened by to a degree.

pause. the ride is perched at the top.

teetering

back

forward

baaack

middle

hold

forward

DOWN

hours have past as it keeps rushing down how far can it go? whats the point of it being further down? what is she doing? down. is she still hanging w him? down. does she really like him and not me? faster down. fora split second the descent ends but is immediately turned into the sharp turns, spiraling out of control, i dont even know if it is on the tracks any more, oh i am gripping on for dear life now. stop the ride stop the ride. theres no one at the controls, its just going and going. call dammit, ok i'll call,

slows down and it straight

voicemail
gears engage, lets go again. ride is less intense. its now just like space mountain. it is dark, but it is being in something that is dark inside.

i am resigned. i a mon the ride, i dont know what is ahead, but it is sort of placid now that hours have past and i have no hopes of hearing anything. they are together, i hit a dip. it doesnt matter, ride levels. i have to let go, go no contact, the ride starts to ascend, but i see light far off. it is not terrifying as the other part was. it dips back down to the dark smooth ride. it eventually slows to a resting stop.

late night text from the other person, the motor starts up. she is there atthe other persons house. its warmed up. it slowly rolls. long messages a bout her freaking out, delusional, wanting help, out of control, other person doesnt know whatto do, the motor is revved but the brakes are applied, i can control the ride, no one else is. so i let go and take in the information, and i release the brake and let it go, but there is a governor on it so it stays in control and the ride lasts an hour.

i wake. its likea hangover. i am still in the car. it is daylight. where the heck am i, just on some rails somewhere, anywhere, nowhere, just in a rollercoaster car on the rails. this morning i dont have to wait in line, i am hungover from the ride last night.

i wake more. the motor starts. i wait to see what the storm left behind 7hrs away. the ride dips and rises, but never as high as it dipped. slowly down again. i dont want this ride any more. i want off. i remember no one else is in control. i notice the safety bar is up, but i still stay put and hold onto the car. hours pass. the phone rings, the safety bar lowers, i hear her voice, she sounds ok, scenery is pleasant the ride is fairly smooth and slow. she tells me about her breakdown and that she is going to rehab- tomorrow. i remember many tomorrows. the car is almost at the station. we hung up the phone and the safety bar raised. i can get out and walk from here but i dont want to fall between the rails. i can wait one more day. one more day to pull in the station, let go of my hold, and turn the ride off.

ideally i would turn it off now, this second. being realistic according to me, i will see what transpires tomorrow and park the car in the proper shed and try with the help of a higher power to turn the key off. at some point i can remove the key and at another point i can toss it into the cosmos
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:05 PM
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stop the ride stop the ride. there's no one at the controls, its just going and going.
The only person who can put on the brakes is you, Steve, when you're ready and not a moment before.

We've all taken that ride and not once did it take us any place good. I found that when I finally got off the ride, I had to leave the park and never look back.

Good luck.
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Old 11-18-2011, 01:13 PM
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ann-
seeing that no one else was at the controls was an ah-ha moment for me. i have to remember not to forget that
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Old 11-18-2011, 02:05 PM
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hey anvil-

it wasnt a game. it wasnt for any joke.
yeah i am sick of the ride.

maybe there's going to be rehab, maybe not. i will know tomorrow. either way the train is pulling in and i have to get off. it is easy to see it the way you said it, but what can i say, i dont see it exactly like that. not exactly, but i will not say you are fully wrong.

my point was really about how i was aware of the ride this time. how quick and all it happens and i am usually like- what happened? this ride i witnessed my descent and i want off. i can take the lever. i am choosing to hold it until tomorrow.
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Old 11-18-2011, 02:28 PM
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prediction!!! hear ye hear ye

the next phone call from her:

They didn't have an open bed, but they said they will in two weeks and then I'm going.

I'm taking bets! do I hear $5, $10??
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Old 11-18-2011, 03:35 PM
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Steve I have been reading your posts for weeks and I feel you but come on man.Look I have a thing going on with my mother and when I went nc for real I blocked her #.I finally figured out that even know I couldnt stand when she called I still got off on it in some sick way. So now I dont know when she haunts me and it got easier to work on me without all the drama.Dude I think you need to do this I think she's playing you sorry
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Old 11-18-2011, 04:08 PM
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Originally Posted by kiki5711 View Post
prediction!!! hear ye hear ye

the next phone call from her:

They didn't have an open bed, but they said they will in two weeks and then I'm going.

I'm taking bets! do I hear $5, $10??
I'll bet my bottom dollar she doesn't go. Same sh*t, different day.
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Old 11-18-2011, 05:55 PM
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Try a puppy Steve. They can be trained and housebroken.
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:11 AM
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What do you get our of the ride, dear Steve? An adrenalin rush? You know you CAN stop the ride and get off.
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Old 11-19-2011, 03:46 PM
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You need a new therapist.

You will stop when you are ready, true. But if you have some underlying psych issue Steve, a good therapist will work with you, not just be a good 'listener'.

I don't post as much and when I do it is the SAME STORY: A manipulative addict holding you emotionally hostage. We've all been there but prolonged stress is so physically unhealthy in addition to being emotionally sabotaging.

IF you admitted that you enjoy the roller coaster then maybe that would be a step in the right direction.
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Old 11-19-2011, 04:24 PM
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Hello Steve1840....

What a powerful post! (It's one that I can totally relate to)
My love and kindness was totally taken for granted too, by my former boyfriend...
All I can remember is how weak I thought I was...
After reading your post, it made me realize how weak HE was...

Anyone who "gets off" on messing with someone's head is likely in a lot of emotional pain themselves....

Not to say that you're not in a tremendous amount of emotional pain yourself, but don't you deserve someone who you can be vulnerable to that won't take advantage of your feelings in such a cruel way?

Just becuase your former girlfriend chooses not to think more highly of herself, that doesn't mean you have to do the same thing.....

Of course, it's your choice entirely, but I know I truly started living again, when I changed my number....

The day finally came two years ago that I was no longer going to be a hostage to my own phone, never knowing who was going to be on the other end that day....

Dr. Jeckyl or Mr. Hyde?

Whether she sets herself free or not from her addiction, isn't time for you to set yourself free from whatever it is that's allowing you to hold on to someone who is clearly toxic for you?

Remember, it is OK to care about her well-being, just not at your expense...

Peace to you and best wishes....

Diva 76
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Old 11-20-2011, 05:37 AM
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Steve,
Simple solution here...stop taking the calls.

You can get off that ride anytime you want.
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:55 AM
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You want off the ride. Change your phone number.
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Old 11-20-2011, 08:04 AM
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Underlying psych issues require treatment from a Psychiatrist, not just a Therapist. This is covered by insurance. Your primary care doctor can recommend one for you.
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:02 PM
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You have a choice. So far, you have chosen to be front row at the three-ring circus. Is that what you really want? The roller coaster analogy works because she is a ride/a drug to you. The incredible highs are followed by terrible lows. You have a choice. You choose yoru life and she chooses hers. I do understand because there are those in my life who I love who have chosen drugs. However, I can choose not to be a part of their craziness and not to have a front seat.
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