steve1840

i went through an emotional roller coaster over the past 24 hours. i mean all over the place. plus i had therapy and a meeting. the car pulled into the shed again so i am back to level.

so, rather than just close my eyes and hold on for dear life, i kept them open to try to observe what was happening and why.

since i am bored at work i will take you through the ups and downs and twists and curves- just to i can understand it as i type.

so i was standing in line for the ride like i always do, as soon as the park opens. which means that from the moment i wake i am in line waiting.
my phone rang, the cars pulled up. i answered, i stepped into the car.

hello. hey. the safety bar bar lowered

conversation started, the car leaves the station.

she just called because she was very depressed, said lots of good things about me and her feeling bad about everything. the ride starts nice, its like being on Peter Pans flight in disney. i'm felling good, i feel back to normal

whata nice colorful ride during the conversation. then we say that we will talk tonight. the pretty green flora starts to thin out after about an hour. the ride is level though and at a leisurely pace. the lanscape becomes more of a long flat prairie

time starts to pass and my mind starts to wander and wonder and the scenery begins to change, it is getting grey and the trees grow bare.

a little anxiety builds, gears shift and the ride picks up speed.
my mind wanders and wonders more and more and the rides starts to twist and turn sharply. the anxiety build, the ride speeds up. twisting upward as i figure she is hanging with someone i am threatened by to a degree.

pause. the ride is perched at the top.

teetering

back

forward

baaack

middle

hold

forward

DOWN

hours have past as it keeps rushing down how far can it go? whats the point of it being further down? what is she doing? down. is she still hanging w him? down. does she really like him and not me? faster down. fora split second the descent ends but is immediately turned into the sharp turns, spiraling out of control, i dont even know if it is on the tracks any more, oh i am gripping on for dear life now. stop the ride stop the ride. theres no one at the controls, its just going and going. call dammit, ok i'll call,

slows down and it straight

voicemail
gears engage, lets go again. ride is less intense. its now just like space mountain. it is dark, but it is being in something that is dark inside.

i am resigned. i a mon the ride, i dont know what is ahead, but it is sort of placid now that hours have past and i have no hopes of hearing anything. they are together, i hit a dip. it doesnt matter, ride levels. i have to let go, go no contact, the ride starts to ascend, but i see light far off. it is not terrifying as the other part was. it dips back down to the dark smooth ride. it eventually slows to a resting stop.

late night text from the other person, the motor starts up. she is there atthe other persons house. its warmed up. it slowly rolls. long messages a bout her freaking out, delusional, wanting help, out of control, other person doesnt know whatto do, the motor is revved but the brakes are applied, i can control the ride, no one else is. so i let go and take in the information, and i release the brake and let it go, but there is a governor on it so it stays in control and the ride lasts an hour.

i wake. its likea hangover. i am still in the car. it is daylight. where the heck am i, just on some rails somewhere, anywhere, nowhere, just in a rollercoaster car on the rails. this morning i dont have to wait in line, i am hungover from the ride last night.

i wake more. the motor starts. i wait to see what the storm left behind 7hrs away. the ride dips and rises, but never as high as it dipped. slowly down again. i dont want this ride any more. i want off. i remember no one else is in control. i notice the safety bar is up, but i still stay put and hold onto the car. hours pass. the phone rings, the safety bar lowers, i hear her voice, she sounds ok, scenery is pleasant the ride is fairly smooth and slow. she tells me about her breakdown and that she is going to rehab- tomorrow. i remember many tomorrows. the car is almost at the station. we hung up the phone and the safety bar raised. i can get out and walk from here but i dont want to fall between the rails. i can wait one more day. one more day to pull in the station, let go of my hold, and turn the ride off.

ideally i would turn it off now, this second. being realistic according to me, i will see what transpires tomorrow and park the car in the proper shed and try with the help of a higher power to turn the key off. at some point i can remove the key and at another point i can toss it into the cosmos