First post.. Found out last night my boyfriend is smoking ice.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 8
First post.. Found out last night my boyfriend is smoking ice.
Hi Guys,
I don’t even know if this is where I should be or if I’m just wasting everybody’s time but here goes.
My boyfriend, who I live with, my first love, my everything, is a frequent pot smoker and I have just found out he has been smoking ice as well.
I have always hated the pot smoking and begged him to stop.. I’m quite young (21) and I just sort of figured he would grow out of it.. He also doesn’t work, where as I work a 50 hour week.
Anyway, he has a really paranoid personality, though he would never let anybody but me see that. To the outside world he seems like a happy go lucky guy, who is a good friend, a bundle of fun, and trustworthy. He IS actually that person most of the time..
As I was saying, always thinking I’m cheating on him (I’m not and never have) has gone to the measures of installing a keylogger on my computer, calling me at work and accusing me of it, just generally being aweful.
Only say once a week would this happen. So anyway, long story short, I always thought it was the weed that made him like that, until last night when he confessed he has been smoking ‘a bit of ice’
BOOM
I love him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and makes me feel soooo good about myself.
Firstly, I don’t know how I was so blind (he wouldn’t sleep for a couple of days, and always says he loves visiting my mum/grandparents with me because he feels so clean there)
Secondly, where do I go from here? I have told him he must get help (he is having his probation officer come over today to talk about rehab, counselling etc)
Am I still being nieve because I love him in thinking that we can get through this? It has been happening most of our 3 year long relationship, I just found out.
Is it possible for addicts to seem completely together to everybody?
Is it possible for him to lie to me about everything and still love me?
Is he even an addict?
Sorry about the novel, and thanks for listening….
I don’t even know if this is where I should be or if I’m just wasting everybody’s time but here goes.
My boyfriend, who I live with, my first love, my everything, is a frequent pot smoker and I have just found out he has been smoking ice as well.
I have always hated the pot smoking and begged him to stop.. I’m quite young (21) and I just sort of figured he would grow out of it.. He also doesn’t work, where as I work a 50 hour week.
Anyway, he has a really paranoid personality, though he would never let anybody but me see that. To the outside world he seems like a happy go lucky guy, who is a good friend, a bundle of fun, and trustworthy. He IS actually that person most of the time..
As I was saying, always thinking I’m cheating on him (I’m not and never have) has gone to the measures of installing a keylogger on my computer, calling me at work and accusing me of it, just generally being aweful.
Only say once a week would this happen. So anyway, long story short, I always thought it was the weed that made him like that, until last night when he confessed he has been smoking ‘a bit of ice’
BOOM
I love him, he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and makes me feel soooo good about myself.
Firstly, I don’t know how I was so blind (he wouldn’t sleep for a couple of days, and always says he loves visiting my mum/grandparents with me because he feels so clean there)
Secondly, where do I go from here? I have told him he must get help (he is having his probation officer come over today to talk about rehab, counselling etc)
Am I still being nieve because I love him in thinking that we can get through this? It has been happening most of our 3 year long relationship, I just found out.
Is it possible for addicts to seem completely together to everybody?
Is it possible for him to lie to me about everything and still love me?
Is he even an addict?
Sorry about the novel, and thanks for listening….
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi honey, I'm afraid I don't have much good news for you.
Unfortunately, addiction is progressive. It just gets worse. His problems are just going to become more and more obvious to everyone. He won't be able to hold it together for long. With drugs - first it's fun, then its fun with consequences. Then it's all consequences. The paranoia gets worse and worse. The skin gets worse. The tics get worse. The freaky behavior gets worse. Everything gets worse. And no outside force, short of lock up, can stop it. He has to want to quit MORE than he wants to keep using. Things have to get SO BAD in his life that, he is forced to change himself. I just don't think he's there yet... and as long as he has you take care of him, he probably won't ever get there.
There's a great book out there - Co-Dependent No More. Most people (I'd guess nearly all) who are involved with an addict are co-dependent to some level. Please read the book. It's at the library, you can buy it on line, you can get it at a book store. Read it. It's a good place to start. It'll help you take a look at your own behavior and how you might be feeding into his addiction. It'll give you an idea of where you are headed and what you can do to help yourself should you decide to stick around.
Unfortunately, addiction is progressive. It just gets worse. His problems are just going to become more and more obvious to everyone. He won't be able to hold it together for long. With drugs - first it's fun, then its fun with consequences. Then it's all consequences. The paranoia gets worse and worse. The skin gets worse. The tics get worse. The freaky behavior gets worse. Everything gets worse. And no outside force, short of lock up, can stop it. He has to want to quit MORE than he wants to keep using. Things have to get SO BAD in his life that, he is forced to change himself. I just don't think he's there yet... and as long as he has you take care of him, he probably won't ever get there.
There's a great book out there - Co-Dependent No More. Most people (I'd guess nearly all) who are involved with an addict are co-dependent to some level. Please read the book. It's at the library, you can buy it on line, you can get it at a book store. Read it. It's a good place to start. It'll help you take a look at your own behavior and how you might be feeding into his addiction. It'll give you an idea of where you are headed and what you can do to help yourself should you decide to stick around.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
dear scaredgirl,
welcome to SR and yes you are in the right place. sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but glad that you had the courage to talk about your situation.
i wanted to answer some of your questions from my experience.
yes, it is possible for addicts to seem perfectly normal and together to everybody until you find out and then all these signs that we have missed start to make sense. my husband has been using cocaine and i was completely clueless about it. on the outside, he is the most responsible and extremely detailed person, but a lot of it is also a cover up for his "extracurricular activities".
as far as lying and loving a person at the same time, the two shouldn't go together and usually don't. what i have learned from here and witnessed is that addicts don't have any love for themselves or anybody else, other than the need to get high. if you stand in the way of them getting their drugs, be prepared to get run over, regardless of how much you might care or want to help them (which you can't anyways).
from what you wrote, he is an addict and has been for quite some time. you just didn't know about the ice part, but it seems that deep down you already know the answer to this question.
sorry if i sound a bit harsh. i don't mean to. i am usually more gentle with my answers, but your story just strikes a cord with me b/c that is how i felt many times. i always knew my husband smoked pot and i didn't think it was a big deal thing back then (we were both in college when we met). i just thought he had a hard time shaking the habit and would eventually like you said "grow out of it". well, not only did he not grow out of it, he grew into cocaine and whatever else he took that i don't know about. i just hate to hear another story that sounds exactly like me. now, 3 kids and 5 yrs of marriage later, i am faced with being a single mom whose every dream has come crashing down b/c of someone else's addiction.
sorry to ramble on about my stuff. i wanted to welcome you and let you know that you're not alone and the people here are wonderful. we all have been through a lot and wish you well.
hugs and prayers to you. take care of yourself b/c you can't control him or his choices.
welcome to SR and yes you are in the right place. sorry for the circumstances that bring you here, but glad that you had the courage to talk about your situation.
i wanted to answer some of your questions from my experience.
yes, it is possible for addicts to seem perfectly normal and together to everybody until you find out and then all these signs that we have missed start to make sense. my husband has been using cocaine and i was completely clueless about it. on the outside, he is the most responsible and extremely detailed person, but a lot of it is also a cover up for his "extracurricular activities".
as far as lying and loving a person at the same time, the two shouldn't go together and usually don't. what i have learned from here and witnessed is that addicts don't have any love for themselves or anybody else, other than the need to get high. if you stand in the way of them getting their drugs, be prepared to get run over, regardless of how much you might care or want to help them (which you can't anyways).
from what you wrote, he is an addict and has been for quite some time. you just didn't know about the ice part, but it seems that deep down you already know the answer to this question.
sorry if i sound a bit harsh. i don't mean to. i am usually more gentle with my answers, but your story just strikes a cord with me b/c that is how i felt many times. i always knew my husband smoked pot and i didn't think it was a big deal thing back then (we were both in college when we met). i just thought he had a hard time shaking the habit and would eventually like you said "grow out of it". well, not only did he not grow out of it, he grew into cocaine and whatever else he took that i don't know about. i just hate to hear another story that sounds exactly like me. now, 3 kids and 5 yrs of marriage later, i am faced with being a single mom whose every dream has come crashing down b/c of someone else's addiction.
sorry to ramble on about my stuff. i wanted to welcome you and let you know that you're not alone and the people here are wonderful. we all have been through a lot and wish you well.
hugs and prayers to you. take care of yourself b/c you can't control him or his choices.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Originally Posted by scaredgirl 
Is it possible for addicts to seem completely together to everybody?
Is it possible for him to lie to me about everything and still love me?
Is he even an addict?
….
Is it possible for him to lie to me about everything and still love me?
Is he even an addict?
….
Glad you are here.In response to your questions--(1st one)Yes, it is possible for addicts to seem completely together to everybody.......at first anyway. Eventually if they keep using their addiction will soon become apparant to at least a few people--and then "perhaps" everyone later on.
(2nd one) Addicts lie--period. The drug comes first before anything or anyone else.
(3rd one) Only he can answer that--whether or not he is an addict. If the person with the problem can't see that they have a problem, then there is little that can be done in helping them. An addict must want to get help for themselves.
-------------
Ice does make one paranoid and some people are dangerous to be around while under the inflence (especially when they get angry). You mention jealousy and some controlling behaviors--which makes this situation even more dangerous. Also, you say that he is on probation currently. Nothing changes if nothing changes.
You should focus on taking care of you. Here you will find others that can share their own experience, strength, hope with you. You are not responsible for him or his actions--only your own. You didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--his addiction. If he is to get help, he must seek help for himself. You no longer have to be a prisoner of his disease. We do recover.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He does not work. He has a probation officer which implies a criminal background of some sort. He finally confessed to a bit of ice which most definitely is not the whole truth. Addiction demands he protect and sustain it at all costs.
Have you done any research about crystal meth and what it does to the brain and body? Here in the states, the Police have special protocols for handling meth addicts who are in a tweaking state because of their propensity for spontaneous violence and paranoia. It's a progressive and will get worse, much, much worse.
If there is one drug that will accelerate into life lived in a filthy, roach infested, soggy cardboard box somewhere, it's likely crystal meth.
His addiction has nothing to do with you. Addiction does not allow him to care about himself or anyone else. It's not personal. It just feels that way.
At the end of the day, we all get to decide what's acceptable to us. We call this setting boundaries. "I will not associate with people in active addiction" is a healthy boundary. Such a boundary protects us from the chaos, abuse, anxiety, fear, hurt, pain that is hard core addiction.
A boundary does not seek to control another person or their outcome. In this case he is free to do as he pleases which is what he's going to do no matter what. When faced with someone in active addiction, you take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.
You are worth substantially more than random attention from someone on a downward spiral. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. He's not going to one day just snap out of this. If love could cure, none of us would be here.
Spend some time reading the stickies at the top of this forum, do your homework, get yourself checked out for STDs and value yourself.
Have you done any research about crystal meth and what it does to the brain and body? Here in the states, the Police have special protocols for handling meth addicts who are in a tweaking state because of their propensity for spontaneous violence and paranoia. It's a progressive and will get worse, much, much worse.
If there is one drug that will accelerate into life lived in a filthy, roach infested, soggy cardboard box somewhere, it's likely crystal meth.
His addiction has nothing to do with you. Addiction does not allow him to care about himself or anyone else. It's not personal. It just feels that way.
At the end of the day, we all get to decide what's acceptable to us. We call this setting boundaries. "I will not associate with people in active addiction" is a healthy boundary. Such a boundary protects us from the chaos, abuse, anxiety, fear, hurt, pain that is hard core addiction.
A boundary does not seek to control another person or their outcome. In this case he is free to do as he pleases which is what he's going to do no matter what. When faced with someone in active addiction, you take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.
You are worth substantially more than random attention from someone on a downward spiral. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. You cannot cure this. He's not going to one day just snap out of this. If love could cure, none of us would be here.
Spend some time reading the stickies at the top of this forum, do your homework, get yourself checked out for STDs and value yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Another Book Recommendation
10 stupid Things Women do to Mess up their lives by Laura Schlessinger*
There's about 1400 copies available used at Amazon starting at 1 cent, plus S/H. No doubt there are local distributers in your area.
Her counsel on relationship is timeless and priceless.
* I don't agree with the author's politics which allows me to take what I need and leave the rest. It's a terrific, life changing book.
There's about 1400 copies available used at Amazon starting at 1 cent, plus S/H. No doubt there are local distributers in your area.
Her counsel on relationship is timeless and priceless.
* I don't agree with the author's politics which allows me to take what I need and leave the rest. It's a terrific, life changing book.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 8
Thank you for caring enough to reply..
I’m getting a bit emotional reading this stuff, I just wish he cared enough to not do this to himself anymore.
What was said about being co-dependent, I will certainly grab a copy of that book because often times I know I feel as though I would be nothing without him. I can’t picture living 5 seconds without him, I know I shouldn’t be like that, but I am. There’s things he has done in the past to hurt me, that are now explained by his drug use, and I find myself so stupidly half-glad that he was under the influence at the time. Its almost as though I am happy that his stupid behaviour is because of drugs since the ‘real him’ would never do anything of the sort to me.
I wish I knew the real him.
PacificSunrise – Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it and need an outside informed perspective. I do know what I should do, I do know what is best for ME, and more than likely best for him as well. I just don’t know if I can leave. I just keep questioning whether he is an actual addict.
Whether he needs it more than he needs me.
I spoke to him about half an hour ago, he is entering detox tomorrow morning, where he will be for 7 days. Then they decide whether he needs to go to rehab or just have weekly counselling.
ITs hard because I still trust him
I just wish I he would be my normal boyfriend
I’m getting a bit emotional reading this stuff, I just wish he cared enough to not do this to himself anymore.
What was said about being co-dependent, I will certainly grab a copy of that book because often times I know I feel as though I would be nothing without him. I can’t picture living 5 seconds without him, I know I shouldn’t be like that, but I am. There’s things he has done in the past to hurt me, that are now explained by his drug use, and I find myself so stupidly half-glad that he was under the influence at the time. Its almost as though I am happy that his stupid behaviour is because of drugs since the ‘real him’ would never do anything of the sort to me.
I wish I knew the real him.
PacificSunrise – Thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it and need an outside informed perspective. I do know what I should do, I do know what is best for ME, and more than likely best for him as well. I just don’t know if I can leave. I just keep questioning whether he is an actual addict.
Whether he needs it more than he needs me.
I spoke to him about half an hour ago, he is entering detox tomorrow morning, where he will be for 7 days. Then they decide whether he needs to go to rehab or just have weekly counselling.
ITs hard because I still trust him
I just wish I he would be my normal boyfriend
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by scaredgirl
I spoke to him about half an hour ago, he is entering detox tomorrow morning, where he will be for 7 days. Then they decide whether he needs to go to rehab or just have weekly counselling.
Maybe he will or maybe it's another lie. I am sorry to sound so cynical and realistic. Rehab does not cure addiction. At best it can teach a highly motivated addict some of the the tools of recovery.
I just wish I he would be my normal boyfriend
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Dear girl,
You are right to be scared. No one on this forum will give you much hope, because we are all very familiar with what active addiction looks like. Meth is - in my opinion - worse that Heroin, worse than anything. It is SO difficult to escape its grasp, once you're in it.
You said he's the best thing that's happened to you. Really? Then, and I don't mean this in a snotty way, you have had a life somewhat devoid of "best things".
You said he makes you feel so good, so loved. Perhaps he did. That will soon be few and far between.
My own "best thing" drove my car while tweaking. This kind man with a giant heart, who had never even sort of laid a hand on me, called me names, etc, screamed at me in that car, driving 80 mph, and grabbed a handful of my hair. I was shocked beyond belief, seriously decided whether I should try and step on the brakes or jump out. It was the most horrific experience of my life.
You need to not have expectations, always protect yourself, and hang on for a dangerous ride. Please be safe and get away from him til he gets clean.
You are right to be scared. No one on this forum will give you much hope, because we are all very familiar with what active addiction looks like. Meth is - in my opinion - worse that Heroin, worse than anything. It is SO difficult to escape its grasp, once you're in it.
You said he's the best thing that's happened to you. Really? Then, and I don't mean this in a snotty way, you have had a life somewhat devoid of "best things".
You said he makes you feel so good, so loved. Perhaps he did. That will soon be few and far between.
My own "best thing" drove my car while tweaking. This kind man with a giant heart, who had never even sort of laid a hand on me, called me names, etc, screamed at me in that car, driving 80 mph, and grabbed a handful of my hair. I was shocked beyond belief, seriously decided whether I should try and step on the brakes or jump out. It was the most horrific experience of my life.
You need to not have expectations, always protect yourself, and hang on for a dangerous ride. Please be safe and get away from him til he gets clean.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by scaredgirl
Why STD's?
We have been together for 3 years and I have been checked within that time.
And about probation, he was caught in possesion of pot at a music festival
We have been together for 3 years and I have been checked within that time.
And about probation, he was caught in possesion of pot at a music festival
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Sydney, NSW
Posts: 8
But I know him, and he is still normal right now.
He lives with me and his sister, in Australia, don’t know if it’s the same in the USA but you get money fortnightly. He gets paid $500 a fortnight, 50 goes to his sponser child and the rest I guess he uses.
He smokes probably about 4 cones a day.
I don’t know about the ice.
I don’t think I’m ready to hear this.
He isn’t horrible to me, and he is the best thing that has happened to me. He is the only one who has ever made me feel loved or beautiful or normal. He is funny and spontaneous and has a good heart.
He makes me dinner and we have a puppy and I just thought everything was perfect.
He is still a person to me, not a problem.
I know I am stupid for saying these things but I want it to be back to how I felt before I knew.
He lives with me and his sister, in Australia, don’t know if it’s the same in the USA but you get money fortnightly. He gets paid $500 a fortnight, 50 goes to his sponser child and the rest I guess he uses.
He smokes probably about 4 cones a day.
I don’t know about the ice.
I don’t think I’m ready to hear this.
He isn’t horrible to me, and he is the best thing that has happened to me. He is the only one who has ever made me feel loved or beautiful or normal. He is funny and spontaneous and has a good heart.
He makes me dinner and we have a puppy and I just thought everything was perfect.
He is still a person to me, not a problem.
I know I am stupid for saying these things but I want it to be back to how I felt before I knew.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
SG, welcome to SR. I hope you stay.
I am the soon-to-be-ex wife of a meth user. I found it...he confessed...and I chose to stay. That was a number of years ago. It is a maddening roller coaster ride to love a person addicted to that nasty stuff. At the time of my discovery, we had been married 12 years, been together over 13 and had just had our second child. I did know him. And I can tell you without a doubt that the guy I knew is no longer there, and hasn't been there in a long, long time. Truthfully, he changed significantly right before I found evidence. It is progressive...and they do change with it. I hardly recognize the man my husband is today. After a year of separation, I realize that he isn't going to change anytime soon and I won't be hanging on any longer.
The confessional is likely a drop in the bucket compared to the real story. You don't just smoke a "bit of ice". A person might start by snorting a bit of meth, but once they are smoking it, that is a completely different ballgame. It is HIGHLY addictive.
It is great news that he is going to detox, and I hope and pray for all of your sake that they see a need for rehab. But despite this good news, you need to protect yourself and you start that by educating yourself. Codependent No More is a great start, among others. Don't settle. Learn about boundaries. Learn about addiction and codependency and be ready to do the right thing if necessary. As I mentioned, I stayed a long while...and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, and it served no good purpose. Truly.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care.
I am the soon-to-be-ex wife of a meth user. I found it...he confessed...and I chose to stay. That was a number of years ago. It is a maddening roller coaster ride to love a person addicted to that nasty stuff. At the time of my discovery, we had been married 12 years, been together over 13 and had just had our second child. I did know him. And I can tell you without a doubt that the guy I knew is no longer there, and hasn't been there in a long, long time. Truthfully, he changed significantly right before I found evidence. It is progressive...and they do change with it. I hardly recognize the man my husband is today. After a year of separation, I realize that he isn't going to change anytime soon and I won't be hanging on any longer.
The confessional is likely a drop in the bucket compared to the real story. You don't just smoke a "bit of ice". A person might start by snorting a bit of meth, but once they are smoking it, that is a completely different ballgame. It is HIGHLY addictive.
It is great news that he is going to detox, and I hope and pray for all of your sake that they see a need for rehab. But despite this good news, you need to protect yourself and you start that by educating yourself. Codependent No More is a great start, among others. Don't settle. Learn about boundaries. Learn about addiction and codependency and be ready to do the right thing if necessary. As I mentioned, I stayed a long while...and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone, and it served no good purpose. Truly.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Pueblo Colorado
Posts: 10
Oh sweetie, I am new too, I am here to tell you, I refused to give up, thought I was strong enough, I thought if I loved her the best I could she'd see something better and want it.
At the drop of a hat she'd withdraw to a very darkside and become a different person, lie, manipulate and always blame me. She was a master at turning the issue around to where it was my fault. We could never talk without her becoming super defensive. When she would try to clean up she couldnt cope with anything, even the smallest problem would send her on a Benzo induced frnzy for 3-4 days.
It is progressive and now that you know your going to notice so much more, take care of your mind girl. This girl was the absolute love of my life, I saw a glimpse of beautiful that is still left in her, the real her and I couldnt let go of it and almost married her.
Good luck girl......prayers and best wishes.
At the drop of a hat she'd withdraw to a very darkside and become a different person, lie, manipulate and always blame me. She was a master at turning the issue around to where it was my fault. We could never talk without her becoming super defensive. When she would try to clean up she couldnt cope with anything, even the smallest problem would send her on a Benzo induced frnzy for 3-4 days.
It is progressive and now that you know your going to notice so much more, take care of your mind girl. This girl was the absolute love of my life, I saw a glimpse of beautiful that is still left in her, the real her and I couldnt let go of it and almost married her.
Good luck girl......prayers and best wishes.
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((((scaredgirl))))
Hi hun. I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. I'm glad you found this place. The people here are awesome. I couldn't help but recognize some things in your post that maybe you don't recognize yourself.
"I just wish he cared enough to not do this to himself anymore"
His struggle with drugs are the same struggle you are having with him. I'm sure you have people who love you, who would make that same statement about you. I just wish she cared enough to not do this to herself anymore.
" I do know what I should do, I do know what is best for ME, and more than likely best for him as well. I just don’t know if I can leave"
Here again, you already know what you should do (just like he knows what he should do), but just like the addict, you can't do it. The difference is, he is addicted to the drug, we as co-dependents are addicted to them. Even though we know, we just can't give up....until things get so bad that the pain is worse than the pleasure. (Rock Bottom).
And just like the addict, no matter what anyone else says or does, you yourself want reach that point of change until you want it bad enough.
The co-dependents addiction is the addict.....saving them.
He makes you feel all these wonderful things about yourself. Everyone wants to feel those things. It is human nature to bask in that feeling. But hun, and I say this as gently as a person can in typed words, why do you need him or anyone else for that matter, to make you feel special?
I think we are addicted to love, just as badly as they are addicted to drugs. Both trying to hold on to the things that make us feel good, both avoiding the reasons why we can't do for ourselves what we know we should do.
You have started your journey. I've been there. It is hard and it is sad, but it is worth it.
Sending you lots of Hugs and Prayers.
B
Hi hun. I'm so sorry this is happening in your life. I'm glad you found this place. The people here are awesome. I couldn't help but recognize some things in your post that maybe you don't recognize yourself.
"I just wish he cared enough to not do this to himself anymore"
His struggle with drugs are the same struggle you are having with him. I'm sure you have people who love you, who would make that same statement about you. I just wish she cared enough to not do this to herself anymore.
" I do know what I should do, I do know what is best for ME, and more than likely best for him as well. I just don’t know if I can leave"
Here again, you already know what you should do (just like he knows what he should do), but just like the addict, you can't do it. The difference is, he is addicted to the drug, we as co-dependents are addicted to them. Even though we know, we just can't give up....until things get so bad that the pain is worse than the pleasure. (Rock Bottom).
And just like the addict, no matter what anyone else says or does, you yourself want reach that point of change until you want it bad enough.
The co-dependents addiction is the addict.....saving them.
He makes you feel all these wonderful things about yourself. Everyone wants to feel those things. It is human nature to bask in that feeling. But hun, and I say this as gently as a person can in typed words, why do you need him or anyone else for that matter, to make you feel special?
I think we are addicted to love, just as badly as they are addicted to drugs. Both trying to hold on to the things that make us feel good, both avoiding the reasons why we can't do for ourselves what we know we should do.
You have started your journey. I've been there. It is hard and it is sad, but it is worth it.
Sending you lots of Hugs and Prayers.
B
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I’m getting a bit emotional reading this stuff, I just wish he cared enough to not do this to himself anymore.
He's never going to be a normal boyfriend. Never. Ever. He's always going to be an addict. One bad decision away from using ice again. He'll need to change all his friends, all the places he goes, all the things he does just to start on the road to recovery. He'll need to work some kind of program to help him learn how to deal with life without using drugs. And even if he tells you he's doing all these things, you can't really believe him, can you? Addicts lie. That's just part of the disease. You'll never be able to trust him.
That's why its so important to focus on you and what you want out of life. What are your personal goals? What kinds of people do you want to associate with? Does an ICE addict fit in with that?
If not, then you have to change your behavior so you can get what you want out of life.
Read the books. Keep coming here. Work the recovery you wish he would work. We are all broken. We need to fix ourselves first and foremost.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
He lives with me and his sister, in Australia, don’t know if it’s the same in the USA but you get money fortnightly. He gets paid $500 a fortnight, 50 goes to his sponser child and the rest I guess he uses.
what is fortnight? once a week, month? and for what? unemployment, disability?
sorry don't understand the terms/
is he looking for work more or looking for pot/ice more? then to rid the guilt, cooks you dinner.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 164
Scaredgirl,
I had to respond to this because my addicted huband's DOC is the same. It is a terrible terrible drug, the paranoia gets worse the longer he uses. You cannot have a rational conversation when they are in that state. To them, it is as real as the rain, to you he is coocoo for cocoa puffs. AS Hello-Kitty stated, he will never be normal and you will never have a normal life as you dream of having as long as you are will him. It will always be work even if he is in recovery. Your BF DOC is a very very hard addiction to recover from. You are so young with so much life ahead of you. I love my AH but I wished so bad I walked away from the relationship early on before the "I do's". Not because I do not love him, but like you, I wanted something more normal.
Read the book, join a support group and take care of you!
I had to respond to this because my addicted huband's DOC is the same. It is a terrible terrible drug, the paranoia gets worse the longer he uses. You cannot have a rational conversation when they are in that state. To them, it is as real as the rain, to you he is coocoo for cocoa puffs. AS Hello-Kitty stated, he will never be normal and you will never have a normal life as you dream of having as long as you are will him. It will always be work even if he is in recovery. Your BF DOC is a very very hard addiction to recover from. You are so young with so much life ahead of you. I love my AH but I wished so bad I walked away from the relationship early on before the "I do's". Not because I do not love him, but like you, I wanted something more normal.
Read the book, join a support group and take care of you!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by kiki5711
what is fortnight? once a week, month? and for what? unemployment, disability?
sorry don't understand the terms/
is he looking for work more or looking for pot/ice more? then to rid the guilt, cooks you dinner.
sorry don't understand the terms/
is he looking for work more or looking for pot/ice more? then to rid the guilt, cooks you dinner.
Sounds like unemployment compensation in the U.S.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
And Scared, the reason I know this stuff is because I was addicted to crack cocaine. It's similar to ice. I recovered. I haven't used in 5 years. I had to completely change my lifestyle. It's great. It was super hard at the beginning. I honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to do it. It took all my focus. I had to go to NA. I had to have constant support from other recovering addicts. I had to change EVERYTHING about myself. I was totally and completely broken.
And I was pregnant.
Unfortunately my then boyfriend was not able to quit. He had been using much longer than I had. The drugs had completely taken over his whole life. He ended up in and out of prison. I tried to help him. He just didn't want to quit bad enough. He hasn't seen his son in 2 years. He's still out there using... I had to let go or be dragged and my son would have been dragged too. I could not allow a child to be exposed to that kind of craziness.
I'm such a strong person now. I'm glad I didn't waste anymore time with drugs or my ex boyfriend. It was such a hard time in my life. I couldn't see my future. But with recovery, this website, good friends and hard work, I have become the person I want to be. Sure I haven't achieved all my dreams, but with faith and perserverence, I will. And no matter what, I will be safe and happy and not relying on a drug addict to make me feel good about myself.
You can have this too hun. You are in control of your own destiny. And that's all.
You can't control his.
And I was pregnant.
Unfortunately my then boyfriend was not able to quit. He had been using much longer than I had. The drugs had completely taken over his whole life. He ended up in and out of prison. I tried to help him. He just didn't want to quit bad enough. He hasn't seen his son in 2 years. He's still out there using... I had to let go or be dragged and my son would have been dragged too. I could not allow a child to be exposed to that kind of craziness.
I'm such a strong person now. I'm glad I didn't waste anymore time with drugs or my ex boyfriend. It was such a hard time in my life. I couldn't see my future. But with recovery, this website, good friends and hard work, I have become the person I want to be. Sure I haven't achieved all my dreams, but with faith and perserverence, I will. And no matter what, I will be safe and happy and not relying on a drug addict to make me feel good about myself.
You can have this too hun. You are in control of your own destiny. And that's all.
You can't control his.
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