hopeful0323

We have all made or thought these statements at one time. Unfortunately the reality is that this person does not exist right now, he may never again. Addiction can get real ugly and fast. the loving, supporting boyfriend and father of my children turned quickly into a full blown heroin addict that would do anything to sustain his addiction. Lies, stealing, name calling, emotionally hurting the kids and the list goes on. My AXBF was not an addict when i met him and I have not seen that man that I fell in love with in over two years. Yes it hurts, but he IS an addict and I have come to accept that I may never see the man I fell in love with again. I will keep you in my prayers.

kiki5711

other than giving you a black eye, pulling your hair, slapping you in the face, belitteling you,

it's called "controlling". It's not love. It's about control.

but,


having a puppy in the house, makes everything else he does bad ok.....(sarcastic face).

scaredgirl

So..
Thanks to everybody who is actually giving me advice. as for the sarcasm, I dont think it's neccessary.

No Kiki, he has not hit me, he has never laid a finger on me.
The 'bad' that he did had nothing to do with that. He contacted my ex boyfriend because he was paranoid.

I understand that everybody here has been through horrible things due to addiction. I understand that you know more than I do about this disease. I even understand that you know more about the reasons I am reacting the way I do.

But I know him. I know what he has helped me through.
I know who he is. He is in detox right now.
I have faith.
He has not deviated from the person he has always been to me, and for right now, while he is making all the right decisions in relation to his addiction, I am staying.

I think I will get a lot of bad responses about this but, I love him so much.

useyourwords

Scaredgirl, I am so sorry for what you are going through.

It is human nature for people who have been through something painful to warn others and encourage them to avoid the same pitfalls. Any "bad responses" will be bred of that good intention

I realize you "know who he is" . . . but don't forget that he has lied to you and hidden things from you. You know what he has allowed you to know, which is probably far less than you imagine. You say he has not deviated from the person he has always been to you, but don't forget that that is a person who has kept things from you and deceived yuo. Once things like this come out and unfold it is often like an onion -- layers and layers of things are pulled back and we realize that there is far more that we didn't know than we ever could have imagined.

You are right that we do not know him, but what we do know is addiction. And as hard as this may be to imagine, once someone is actively using drugs, knowing addiction becomes what matters. Every day of use the person disappears a little more as the addiction is pretty much all that is left. And the patterns are scary . . . none of us here know the As in each others lives, but we could all probably do a frighteningly good job of guessing about their actions and behaviors.

I am not going to give you a "bad response" for staying We all have to walk our own path. What I will say is that, if you stay, EDUCATE YOURSELF. My pearls of wisdom, for what they are worth: When he comes back from detox he will still be an addict. He might be in recovery (ps -- being clean does not equal being in recovery, in my book) but he will never be the person he was before he became an addict. Learn about codependence and enabling -- it sounds like you already recognize that you have those tendencies (we all do here!!!). That being said, remember that you staying with him is NOT to help his recovery. Don't try to convince yourself it is, and don't let him tell you he "needs" your support to get clean. His recovery is his, not yours. Nothing you do for him will help him recover. He has to do that all for himself. But some of your enabling behaviors may hurt his recovery -- sucks, right!? So don't work on fixing him (you can't), work on fixing you. You are staying for you and your own addiction to him -- don't forget that. Find naranon meetings (or something similar) and attend. Do not give him access to your money or valuables. If you think he is lying, he probably is. If you think he is stealing, he probably is. Words mean nothing. Addicts are master manipulators! So everyday, at the end of the day, look at his ACTIONS. Put all the words aside -- it should never be about what he said he did or is going to do. All that matters is what he actually does!!

One last thing -- staying with him and having faith in him/loving him are two totally separate issues. We all love our As We all believe they can get better if THEY want to get better. The difference is that we have drawn a line between our recoveries and their recoveries.

Best wishes to you -- sorry this became long and rambling . . . I tend to do that! I am sending good thoughts to you and him!!! Keep posting, and find a face to face meeting!

scaredgirl

UseYourWords

Thank you.
That was the kind of response I was looking for.

I thrive off information and responses with peoples experience. I just dont appreciate being

I do need to be informed and I am aware that is something I am far from.
I am certain that I am codependant, and am sure the books - which I have ordered, will help in showing me exactly what I'm doing that is hindering his recovery.

I am sorry for jumping on the defense, but he hasn't done most of what people are saying. I know that the situation is not good, but you have to understand that if he hadn't told me, I wouldnt have realised. Apart from being paranoid, he does not act out of the ordinary, he is extremely loving and gentle.

He has done wrong, he has lied to me.
I'm hoping for the best

hopeful0323

In the beginning, I struggled with admitting that my boyfriend of four years, the father of my children was an addict. Saying it outloud scared me to death. I was ashamed and guilt ridden. I know how you feel scaredgirl. After attending alanon meetings for four months, I am know able to set boundaries for my relationship with AXBF. I have detached and seperated from him, but offer my support when his actions are showing me that he is moving in the right direction. Right now, that is not the case. The more time that passes, the worse things get. He has totaled my mothers car and been arrested for drug related activity on more than one occasion. However, my love for him doesn't just "go away". I will always love him, he gave me my beautiful babies and at one time we had a wonderful relationship. But for now I just have to let him live the way he chooses to live. The great thing about alanon and this forum is your in a "judgement free zone". Some of us are a little straight forward and a little blunt because we have been there.

coffeedrinker

scaredgirl,

Just know that we are here for you. This place never closes. When you're afraid, or lonely, or grief-stricken.....

we're here.

frankly

((((scaredgirl))))

You have my support no matter what choice you make. It is your choice, I respect it. Codies tend to want to protect people....and all of us are codies unfortunately. Advice you receive is born of the desire to prevent your pain from being as bad as ours is or has been in the past. Quite simply, we really do care. I myself have a daughter your age. I would tell her the same thing I posted to you. I would not tell her to leave or to stay. It isn't my life, therefor, not really my place. I would try to give her a crash course education, so that she could make an informed decision.

If you can do one thing, please, take care of yourself. Your happiness and you are important. Addiction is such a consuming disease that it encompasses the whole family and everyone who loves the addict.

Even though all the stories seem to be the same, there is no one size fits all. Some have made it, some haven't. I am hoping that you end up being one of the ones that make it.

Hugs
B

kiki5711

what is sponser child? is that like child support?

why doesn't he contribute some of that money to the house expenses?

You say he's so sweet, and funny, happy go lucky guy, but he's living with you and his sister, not working, using drugs, and he's still loved till hell freezes over. He has it pretty good, as I see it from your posts. Why isn't he contributing to house hold expenses instead of drugs? Why? Because he don't have to. You and his sister will pick up the slack. I'm wondering if his sister has known about his using and does she use drugs as well.

$450 per week. That's almost $80 per day on drugs. if it's $20 per hit, that makes it about 4 times a day, if it's @10 per hit, that makes it 8 times a day. That's not casual use.

I know that the more criticism you read about him, the more you'll feel protective of him, but eventually you'll come to see "it is what it is".

After all, life and relationships are how we perceive them.

Justlizzyd

Scaredgirl,

Trust me I have been where you are at and I understand you being defensive. I have been there, however, these people on this forum know what they are talking about. Some are well seasoned and know addiction first hand because they are recovered from addictions themself. I am not where a lot of these people are at, but I'm working towards getting there. I'm still with my husband even though he is still active in his addiction. I'm waiting on clarity for myself on if I should continue to stay or make him leave. I know staying will be a hard road to travel and just not sure I have it in me to do it. I have also learned that I don't have to make a decision today, that I can wait till I am at peace and like I said, have a clear direction. In saying all that, I can promise you that I wished so bad I had listened to people who knew what they were talking about. I did not, because they did not know him like I do, they did not know my situation. They did not know what a wonderful man he can be and will be once he gets recovery. They say hind sight is 20/20 and guess what, it is. If I would have listen and not got offended when people who knew what they were talking about, I would not be sitting here today wishing that I had a normal life, with a normal man, I could possible even have that now with someone who is not an addict. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to be with him, just like he is today. You cannot expect him to change, you cannot love him into changing, there is nothing you can do to change him. His change has to come within himself and you have nothing to do with it. That's a hard realization, one I still struggle with. Please open your mind to the wisdom of the folks on this forum. They mean no harm, only to help.

scaredgirl

No, not child support, he doesnt have any children.

A sponser child is a child from a third world country that you send money to weekly to assist in providing clean drinking water/food etc.

Kiki, did I say he didn't contribute, I dont think so. Because he does. He pays $50 rent a week, has a phone bill of $100 monthly and pays for a third of the groceries. Not to mention cigarettes etc.

And no his sister doesnt take drugs, Trang is a lovely girl who works a 7 day week and is hardly home. Why would you assume that?

I understand that by putting my story out there people will jump to conclusions. But please dont begin making assumptions about people that I love who are far from addicts. (refering to his sister)

How do I know he is what everybody is saying he is/will become. I find myself second guessing everything now and I hate it.

How do I know he is lying? He didnt have to tell me he was smoking.
I wouldnt have known. I'm not congratulating him for telling me, far from it. But I am just saying why would he drop a bomb like that, and not tell the truth?

useyourwords

Hi scared girl. I think kiki assumed he didn't contribute b/c you said: "he gets paid $500 a fortnight, 50 goes to his sponser child and the rest I guess he uses." So it sounded like you didn't know where the other $450 was going. Not sure why she assumed his sister was a drug user, b/c I did not get that from your posts.

You cannot *know* that he will become what we are all saying. It sounds like he has taken responsibility for some of his actions and gone to detox by his own choice. Hopefully he is serious about recovery and will move forward. What you can *know* is that many addicts become what people are warning you about. My sister is the A in my family, and she became a person I couldn't even recognize -- one I never imagined she could be -- b/c of her addiction. That being said, I have a good friend who developed a pill problem following a surgery, admitted it to his wife when she would not have otherwise known, went to rehab, and stayed clean. I do not believe it is black and white. What I do believe is that he was the rare exception to the rule, and this is why it is SO important to be educated about addiction and codependence.

He did tell you that he was using, and that is good. That does not mean he revealed the whole truth to you. I would put money down that he did not, as minimizing is a pretty standard practice when it comes to addiction. He likely felt, since he was telling you some of it and getting help, there was no need to upset you/embarass himself by telling you the whole truth and the extent of his issues. Think about it -- it is easy to rationalize that lie of omission "I am getting help now, so there is no need to upset scaredgirl with the whole truth". I say this just so you know that the hole he is now climbing out of may be far far deeper than you know. It may not be. I hope its not. But if we go from the patterns and collective experience, it probably is

As for the second guessing, that is something we all face and something you will likely learn to cope with as you grow in your own recovery. But if I could take myself back to the stage where you are with the A in my own life, I WISH I had second guessed more early on! I would have likely enabled less and gotten help for myself a lot sooner. Obsessing is not healthy, but neither is denial.

Best wishes and thanks for keeping us posted. Sending good thoughts your (and his) way! Is he going into rehab following detox?

humnbird

Sorry for the sarcasm and negativity you're getting... I just wanted to give you a little bit of the other side of addiction and relationship that seems a little underrepresented.

I was a crystal addict and am sober 7 years. No one in this forum can even pretend to think they know if your man will get sober now, or if it will get worse. We aren't god for crying out loud.

Speaking from experience, I was with a man and found out he had been using the whole time, and stayed with him (he got over a year sober!). He was the same person I knew and loved without the paranoia, lying, contact mood swings, and anger.He wasn't a stranger.

I'm not advocating for you stay with him or leaving him, but no one here can tell you to leave him know it's the right thing. This is him first chance at getting sober and as long as you have your own support you can get through this.

PM me if you need any advice along the way : )

hopeful0323

Because he is a drug addict, they desensitize and lie all the time. I really don't believe anything he says anymore. But if he is lying to you, it will reveal itself in good time. It always did and does with my my AXBF. I don't even know if he knows HOW to tell the truth anymore.