Feeling defeated

Old 10-14-2011, 09:42 PM
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Feeling defeated

This has been bugging me and I have to get it out, lately Ive been feeling defeated , sort of like ive given in to the pull the drugs have over my son. Not sure if its a good or bad feeling but its there, he is currently sober about 5 days from the last time he relapsed, and this is the scary part i want to share, at first with the drugs use he said he was just experimenting, when it continued he said he knew what he was doing and he would never allow himself to get addicted to anything, he had it all figured out, and so here we are today with him addicted to roxies , when it had finally all come out and he has admitted to the problem it does not solve one thing because here is where the real battle begins and from what i see he is far from grasping what he has gotten himself into, maybe i shouldnt dwell on the future , all the what ifs drive me crazy , maybe ill just start to live one day at a time ....
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Old 10-15-2011, 07:39 AM
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The denial that accompanies addiction is deep and disturbing. My son has actually told me that he considers his drug "use" is like a big experiment. He "understands" the importance and benefit to meth and that the rest of us just don't have minds that are open enough to understand and recognize it because we are so caught up in the stigma of drug use. huh? Really?

Denial. It's a powerful part of this disease.

On the other side of the street, (our side) we experience a similarly powerful denial. The "what if's" and "if only's" and "maybe's" and "I should have's" are in a way a part of that denial. We deny that we are powerless over the disease and our loved one with it. We think that our worry about the future and ruminations about the past will somehow give us "the key" to their addiction.

I have accepted that I am powerless over my son's addiction. I allow myself a little part of each day to feel sad about it. To pray. To cry. To mourn. And then I put on some music that lifts my spirits and face the day with as much gratitude and joy as I can day at a time.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers today.

gentle hugs
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Old 10-15-2011, 09:55 AM
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Accepting I was powerless over my daughter and her choices was the most humbling experience of my life.

Looking back, my denial of my own limitations tracked my daughter's denial that she was not in control of heroin.

We both spiraled and lost control of our own lives.

There came a point that I had to decide to save myself or go down with her.
I chose me because that is the only person I can control.

As painful the journey was to get to that point was balanced by the release I felt when I finally let go of my own fantasies.
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Old 10-15-2011, 12:40 PM
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I almost killed myself before I surrendered to the reality that I am powerless over my son's addiction. As I look back, I cannot believe how sick I allowed myself to become, how sick my whole world had become, all because I was desperately trying to save that which was not mine to save.

I will never ever go to that dark place again. Faith and prayer have replaced fear and despair in my life, and I am grateful for meetings, 12-step, and SR...all part of my lifeline to recovery.

I pray your son will find a better path soon. And, Lonelystar, I pray you don't let yourself get as sick as I was before I surrendered. Please try some meetings, you have no idea how much better you will feel just surrounded by live support.


P.S. I love Robert Frost too.
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Old 10-15-2011, 06:55 PM
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I haven't posted in a while, but my daughter is my addict in my life. You "feeling defeated" may be the first step of you realizing you are powerless over her addiction. I had to hit my own bottom before I gave my daughter to her higher power. I have so much more peace in my life now. I pray for my daughter everyday, and I will never give up on her. But I had other people in my life, including myself, who I was was neglecting because of my obsession with "helping" my daughter. Sending some mom hugs your way.
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