The denial that accompanies addiction is deep and disturbing. My son has actually told me that he considers his drug "use" is like a big experiment. He "understands" the importance and benefit to meth and that the rest of us just don't have minds that are open enough to understand and recognize it because we are so caught up in the stigma of drug use. huh? Really?
Denial. It's a powerful part of this disease.
On the other side of the street, (our side) we experience a similarly powerful denial. The "what if's" and "if only's" and "maybe's" and "I should have's" are in a way a part of that denial. We deny that we are powerless over the disease and our loved one with it. We think that our worry about the future and ruminations about the past will somehow give us "the key" to their addiction.
I have accepted that I am powerless over my son's addiction. I allow myself a little part of each day to feel sad about it. To pray. To cry. To mourn. And then I put on some music that lifts my spirits and face the day with as much gratitude and joy as I can muster......one day at a time.
You and your dear son will be in my prayers today.
gentle hugs
ke