Afraid of the Drug Dealers
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I'm going to jump in here. I too have a son who is no longer being enabled by me.
What to do if he is at the side of the road and calls you for help? You say what you have been saying, "Son, I love you and will support you in any way I can should you choose to go into recovery. Other than that, I have nothing for you." Like an earlier poster said, your son is looking for the crack in your armor.
Like Kindeyes said, he will keep using until he is done. And the line of enablers never ends. Your son is right now building up his list of enablers, and if he is stranded on the side of the road he has other people besides you who he can call.
I sat at an Alanon table one time when someone (also recovering in AA) told the story of having driven past his son walking on the side of the road. This father kept right on driving. At the time, I thought that was a little tough. Now I agree with how he handled that.
Being the parent of an addict is not for weenies. Keep coming back. We all benefit from your story.
What to do if he is at the side of the road and calls you for help? You say what you have been saying, "Son, I love you and will support you in any way I can should you choose to go into recovery. Other than that, I have nothing for you." Like an earlier poster said, your son is looking for the crack in your armor.
Like Kindeyes said, he will keep using until he is done. And the line of enablers never ends. Your son is right now building up his list of enablers, and if he is stranded on the side of the road he has other people besides you who he can call.
I sat at an Alanon table one time when someone (also recovering in AA) told the story of having driven past his son walking on the side of the road. This father kept right on driving. At the time, I thought that was a little tough. Now I agree with how he handled that.
Being the parent of an addict is not for weenies. Keep coming back. We all benefit from your story.
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Cell phones are very cheap today & he was probably able to afford it. I wouldn't worry about him going hungry because every good addict knows the food stamp route. Although some sell them for cash. Most drug dealers don't become rich & the majority of them do get caught. He is only 18yrs old & I would bet he doesn't have enough street sense to survive in the world of dealing. It is a very dangerous "profession." While the criminal justice system usually gives using addicts many chances (too many sometimes) they do not give dealers any. If a gun is involved then it gets much more serious.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Windblown.....
Not to distress you......
But from what I have witnessed with my daughter, it is next to impossible for her to deal drugs and use drugs at the same time. Everytime she gets bad enough that she tries to do both...she ends up in jail.
The police are already tuned in to your son. It's only a matter of time.
In all fairness.....I think you should get ready for the incarceration phase of his addiction as it brings a whole new set of emotions and situations to deal with.
Not to distress you......
But from what I have witnessed with my daughter, it is next to impossible for her to deal drugs and use drugs at the same time. Everytime she gets bad enough that she tries to do both...she ends up in jail.
The police are already tuned in to your son. It's only a matter of time.
In all fairness.....I think you should get ready for the incarceration phase of his addiction as it brings a whole new set of emotions and situations to deal with.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by Windblown 
]I wonder what I will do if he runs out of gas and is stranded on the side of the road or he calls and he is hungry. I will not give him money. But do I just leave him on the side of the road?
1) Don't answer the phone when he calls or give his number a silent ring tone. Let him leave a message and this will give you some time to decide your response (with the help of your sponsor).
2) Unless the message is about seeking recovery and wanting to get into rehab, ignore the message!
3) Failing that, and you end up in a situation where you feel you have to answer his plea for food, gas, tires, money, a doctor, or blah, blah, blah.... you can always say, "Yes, that DOES sound like a bad problem! What do you plan to do about it?" That response shows you heard him and then put the need for a solution right back where it belongs....with him.
Originally Posted by Windblown
I know...now I am into future worry. Sometimes though, if I anticipate how to react to a sudden situation before it happens, I am more likely to handle it in the new non enabling way.
Originally Posted by incitingsilence
I remember a friend of mine telling me how much he loved his parents, hoping that they knew. I remember him saying if they would just back off cause really he was in his 40’s. I remember him laughing and crying in the same breath because he knew he had it down and when all else failed all he had to do was say you don’t care and raise his a voice a bit and they would cut him a check in heart beat. I remember him talking about how much he knew it was wrong because he knew they would give in and how hard it was to not just in a flash go there when the pain became to great and the desperation set in…. It is sad and such a twisted game each side plays for their own sick reason and in all likelihood he died on their dime…
Know that you don’t have to play the game with him and can opt out at any time. Also know that everything changes when they get they can ‘t play you anymore. Do not enable and know that we do have some control, over where will not be part of the problem but part of the solution. Only you can choose which you would rather be.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
How long does an 18 year old make it? He has no other family within 2500 miles. A month...a few months? I guess, like you all said, I won't know.
So, please stop worrying about the future and take care of YOU today.
You have done all you can do, oh and I found out a long time ago, you CANNOT wear out The Serenity Prayer, and believe me I did my fair share trying, lol
When that committee would get going in my head and all those damn questions would start, I found that reciting the Serenity Prayer as many times as necessary out loud or in my head, SHUT THE COMMITTEE UP!
Keep posting, you are growing, whether you believe it or not right now.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by laurie6781
When that committee would get going in my head and all those damn questions would start, I found that reciting the Serenity Prayer as many times as necessary out loud or in my head, SHUT THE COMMITTEE UP!
My old sponsor also used to ask me if I had callouses on my knees yet from praying. Of course the answer was no and I'd sheepishly go back home to pray.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Right now you do not understand how resourceful addicts are. Believe me when I say that they have their own network. When they have a small setback like being running out of gas on the side of the road, they will first try to contact their underground network. If they cannot get in touch with them, they will contact the "codies" in their life in an attempt to con them into doing what they want them to do, why, because they are selfish, and they only consider their needs.
Please try not to project into the future, as all it will do is to maginify your fears, as
unfounded as they may be.
Go about your day to day life, keep working on you, keep learning about addiction, knowledge is power.
Hugs and support...Dolly
Please try not to project into the future, as all it will do is to maginify your fears, as
unfounded as they may be.
Go about your day to day life, keep working on you, keep learning about addiction, knowledge is power.
Hugs and support...Dolly
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
I am blessed by this site...at this point my higher power is the voices of you all, my sponsor and the alanon meeting people. I just close my eyes and I get the message. Right now human voices such as yours are the channel for my H.P to reach me and it is incredible. Today I actually went to the Dr. for myself. I am beginning to want to live again. Maybe I will get a German Shepherd to protect me and keep me company. I am a housewife at home alone. Another really cool thing happened, this 82 year lady from one of the meetings called me and we talked for an hour. She was a firecracker! I want to go for coffee with her...I might try to make a friend. I don't have any. But I could work on that. I am doing a puzzle. It is overwhelming but I am going to turn over the pieces one at a time. I texted my son today about giving me his student code so I could withdraw him in time to save his GPA from dropping...of course...no reply. So his problem...another really easy thing he could fix...but he doesn't get it.
Learned something today in a meeting. When I detach and practice non enabling and I set boundaries...then I get more peace in my life because the addict learns they can't play me so they go away. Hey...maybe I can have a peaceful life now by practicing these tools. Don't I have a right to be happy...to live...to want to live? I think the door is openimg ever so slightly into a new world. Maybe I even want him to be gone...imagine that?!
Learned something today in a meeting. When I detach and practice non enabling and I set boundaries...then I get more peace in my life because the addict learns they can't play me so they go away. Hey...maybe I can have a peaceful life now by practicing these tools. Don't I have a right to be happy...to live...to want to live? I think the door is openimg ever so slightly into a new world. Maybe I even want him to be gone...imagine that?!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
A large dog would be an awesome idea! Check out petfinder.com to find the perfect rescue dog! 
My best friend recently adopted a Golden Retriever after 50 years of swearing she was just NOT a dog person -- but her family talked her into it. She is now inseparable from that dog, talks to him all day long, even lets him sleep in her bed and lay on her couch!! OMG-- if you only knew how crazy that is for her! Never thought I'd see the day!
Windblown -- you are doing so good!! Just keep doing what you're doing. And remember: His problems (like college GPA's) are not your problems!!!
Your new friend sounds wonderful! I just love the old folks -- probably because i miss my mom so much. By all means, go have coffee or an ice cream with her! Enjoy!
My best friend recently adopted a Golden Retriever after 50 years of swearing she was just NOT a dog person -- but her family talked her into it. She is now inseparable from that dog, talks to him all day long, even lets him sleep in her bed and lay on her couch!! OMG-- if you only knew how crazy that is for her! Never thought I'd see the day!
Windblown -- you are doing so good!! Just keep doing what you're doing. And remember: His problems (like college GPA's) are not your problems!!!
Your new friend sounds wonderful! I just love the old folks -- probably because i miss my mom so much. By all means, go have coffee or an ice cream with her! Enjoy!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Windblown, I followed my heart. I don’t suggest it I hear it is a bad thing…some thoughts reading this thread.
Please understand I was not without an education when I found out my son was smoking crack. I had a great support system, was already working on me and knew from a long ago past what the reactions to my using did to an already screwed up mind.
So what to share, the most important thing will be how willing you are to work on you, always.
Motive is important, if you are going to, or want to, take him to get something to eat, then you are doing it for nothing but out of the pureness of your heart, there can not be an agenda attached to it, or expectations or any thought that this will help him and you can not use it later as a look at all I have done for you. And this works the other way if you don't want to then you don't, just leave out all the well he will learn from this, crazy stuff.
And no needs no explanation, if that is the answer then it is…very simple. Also cause this bugs me hinging things on using or not using I find way sick. I actually removed that reality totally. Cause, OMG they are using, as if they aren't capable, ...Oh they didn't use so here let me take care of that for them since they are being such a good/normal person....again watch your motive.
You asked how fast could he fall…hard question. Here from when I first heard crack till when my son went into rehab it was 7 months. My son was 20 when we found out. He did relapse about a 18 months after to oxy and omg who would have thought all by himself he went and got help.
I can’t tell you how many people told me that he had years in him to go, especially the experts…
Money….
It is not a bargaining tool, it also doesn't denote how much we love them if we cough some up. My son would start asking for 20 bucks and then go down lower and lower...It is was sad to listen to, but the reality, if they can get even 1 dollar out of us, they are 1 dollar closer to a bag. Eventually my son didn't ask for any, anymore, he knew I wasn't giving him any.
Food…
My son called hungry all the time, sometimes asking for money sometimes not for food that I knew would go to crack. The saddest of days were always when he called sounding so pathetic and sincere that he hadn’t eaten in this long …yet when I would say come here, eat ( he had an open invitation to dinner always ) and he would say ok I will be over and he didn’t show, oh the things they can teach us if we stop reacting and pay attention. How hungry was he really?
Now the car thing. It very easy here, it was his car. And there was none of that I won’t pay insurance or gas if you use cause that was something I never allowed to be my responsibility in the first place. There was no bargaining, he had to park his car cause he couldn’t afford insurance, or gas…He walked everywhere from when he left home cause he didn‘t get his way one night, nothing changed from when he used to when he supposedly wasn’t. At one point right before he went to rehab he asked to come back home with the condition of going to out patient that he set up not me. I allowed it, and off he went to his outpatient by foot or bus, he also had just got a job, that was close to where he was staying well until he got kicked out for robbing them…and he walked there too and home in the rain, at 2 am after the closing shift. I took a lot of sh*t for not doing for him from other mothers of children who were addicts who kept telling me but he's clean, ok and what does that mean I jump in and take over, from my mother who who thought all I had to do was what was done to me, caused it saved me…as if… but damn if I thought he was capable and could work it out, then I did all the way around.
And also, the simplicity in this. The night he split he walked out, went to the dealers and then the gf’s…hmmm he could walk there no problem. Poor kid just proved his feet work. Ahhh If you can walk to get drugs because you need a fix, you can walk to treatment cause you know you have a problem, and you can walk to your job cause you can’t survive without money.
This child worked for everything he got back, and he is still moving forward many years later. I may not like all of his choices, but they are his. I may not like how he choose to help himself, but that is his as well and the proof is always in his actions….He is an adult, was an adult when he starting using crack, was when he relapsed to oxy and didn’t need that special mommy love…I did love him though, always purely, no conditions, and with boundaries not all of them were about protecting me, but keeping me removed from helping him stay sick.
There is a balance to be had. It is a wonderful place only found through working on ourselves. And it is an awesome place that provides peace no matter how those we love choose to live. And it gives us this gift of not missing time and living life with all those we love.
Work on you, pray for him…And be very careful. I have watched so many get themselves into dangerous situations and put their families in the same spot ran by fear for their loved one who was addicted to drugs.
Please understand I was not without an education when I found out my son was smoking crack. I had a great support system, was already working on me and knew from a long ago past what the reactions to my using did to an already screwed up mind.
So what to share, the most important thing will be how willing you are to work on you, always.
Motive is important, if you are going to, or want to, take him to get something to eat, then you are doing it for nothing but out of the pureness of your heart, there can not be an agenda attached to it, or expectations or any thought that this will help him and you can not use it later as a look at all I have done for you. And this works the other way if you don't want to then you don't, just leave out all the well he will learn from this, crazy stuff.
And no needs no explanation, if that is the answer then it is…very simple. Also cause this bugs me hinging things on using or not using I find way sick. I actually removed that reality totally. Cause, OMG they are using, as if they aren't capable, ...Oh they didn't use so here let me take care of that for them since they are being such a good/normal person....again watch your motive.
You asked how fast could he fall…hard question. Here from when I first heard crack till when my son went into rehab it was 7 months. My son was 20 when we found out. He did relapse about a 18 months after to oxy and omg who would have thought all by himself he went and got help.
I can’t tell you how many people told me that he had years in him to go, especially the experts…
Money….
It is not a bargaining tool, it also doesn't denote how much we love them if we cough some up. My son would start asking for 20 bucks and then go down lower and lower...It is was sad to listen to, but the reality, if they can get even 1 dollar out of us, they are 1 dollar closer to a bag. Eventually my son didn't ask for any, anymore, he knew I wasn't giving him any.
Food…
My son called hungry all the time, sometimes asking for money sometimes not for food that I knew would go to crack. The saddest of days were always when he called sounding so pathetic and sincere that he hadn’t eaten in this long …yet when I would say come here, eat ( he had an open invitation to dinner always ) and he would say ok I will be over and he didn’t show, oh the things they can teach us if we stop reacting and pay attention. How hungry was he really?
Now the car thing. It very easy here, it was his car. And there was none of that I won’t pay insurance or gas if you use cause that was something I never allowed to be my responsibility in the first place. There was no bargaining, he had to park his car cause he couldn’t afford insurance, or gas…He walked everywhere from when he left home cause he didn‘t get his way one night, nothing changed from when he used to when he supposedly wasn’t. At one point right before he went to rehab he asked to come back home with the condition of going to out patient that he set up not me. I allowed it, and off he went to his outpatient by foot or bus, he also had just got a job, that was close to where he was staying well until he got kicked out for robbing them…and he walked there too and home in the rain, at 2 am after the closing shift. I took a lot of sh*t for not doing for him from other mothers of children who were addicts who kept telling me but he's clean, ok and what does that mean I jump in and take over, from my mother who who thought all I had to do was what was done to me, caused it saved me…as if… but damn if I thought he was capable and could work it out, then I did all the way around.
And also, the simplicity in this. The night he split he walked out, went to the dealers and then the gf’s…hmmm he could walk there no problem. Poor kid just proved his feet work. Ahhh If you can walk to get drugs because you need a fix, you can walk to treatment cause you know you have a problem, and you can walk to your job cause you can’t survive without money.
This child worked for everything he got back, and he is still moving forward many years later. I may not like all of his choices, but they are his. I may not like how he choose to help himself, but that is his as well and the proof is always in his actions….He is an adult, was an adult when he starting using crack, was when he relapsed to oxy and didn’t need that special mommy love…I did love him though, always purely, no conditions, and with boundaries not all of them were about protecting me, but keeping me removed from helping him stay sick.
There is a balance to be had. It is a wonderful place only found through working on ourselves. And it is an awesome place that provides peace no matter how those we love choose to live. And it gives us this gift of not missing time and living life with all those we love.
Work on you, pray for him…And be very careful. I have watched so many get themselves into dangerous situations and put their families in the same spot ran by fear for their loved one who was addicted to drugs.
Last edited by incitingsilence; 10-06-2011 at 06:20 AM. Reason: typo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
I'm going to do the best I can today. I will try not to worry about what will I do 'if this happens?' i will try to stay in the present. I will go to a meeting. I will do some cleaning. I will actually make dinner tonight for my hard working husband for the first time in two weeks. I will try not to worry that my son has no jacket and it is cold today. I will go to the hospital and drop off the form to get hismrecords so I can take them to the college to try to appeal to get my Father's tuition money back. I will not worry if I can't get it, but I will do the action for my Father. I will not worry about my son not calling me back. If he ever calls hungry, I will meet him for a meal...as long as he doesn't start depending on me and calling all the time. I will not be used anymore. The alarm system will be installed today. Had he just been a user of drugs but not a dealer, I may not have had to do this...but I will protect myself. I will try not to be afraid today.
Im keeping it simple today and keeping my head where my feet are. The alarm will be
installed this morning. If my son is hungry, I will meet him at Burger King and have a meal with him. If he runs out of gas or needs money, I will tell him No. His car is being used to run drugs...why would I support that? I will try not to text or call him today. He doesn't seem to care enough about his GPA to call and give me his codes so I can withdraw him or maybe he feels angry that I calmly told him his grandfarher was not going to pay for anymore college when he asked if he could go next semester. I felt bad about this and called and left a message yesterday that perhaps his grandfather would help again but that he would have to work that out between the two of them. Still he didn't call.
Im am so grateful for my Mother's support. She calls every day. I am so grateful for my sponsor and alanon and the angels and the Goddess and God...I'm praying to ALL of them! I am so grateful for all of you beautiful people who have and are weathering this hurricane of addicted loved ones. My husband is working hard and and is there with me every step of the way. He has agreed to go to a meeting with me this weekend.
If I keep my boundaries intact he will stop trying to push me and I will have more peace in my life. I send blessings and prayers to each and every one of you...may you have a beautiful day.
Im keeping it simple today and keeping my head where my feet are. The alarm will be
installed this morning. If my son is hungry, I will meet him at Burger King and have a meal with him. If he runs out of gas or needs money, I will tell him No. His car is being used to run drugs...why would I support that? I will try not to text or call him today. He doesn't seem to care enough about his GPA to call and give me his codes so I can withdraw him or maybe he feels angry that I calmly told him his grandfarher was not going to pay for anymore college when he asked if he could go next semester. I felt bad about this and called and left a message yesterday that perhaps his grandfather would help again but that he would have to work that out between the two of them. Still he didn't call.
Im am so grateful for my Mother's support. She calls every day. I am so grateful for my sponsor and alanon and the angels and the Goddess and God...I'm praying to ALL of them! I am so grateful for all of you beautiful people who have and are weathering this hurricane of addicted loved ones. My husband is working hard and and is there with me every step of the way. He has agreed to go to a meeting with me this weekend.
If I keep my boundaries intact he will stop trying to push me and I will have more peace in my life. I send blessings and prayers to each and every one of you...may you have a beautiful day.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
If I keep my boundaries intact he will stop trying to push me and I will have more peace in my life.
Your stock answer, anytime he calls will be "Let me think about it", or a flat out "NO". We are here for you, and remember, we are walking with you 'in spirit' at all times.
This could be a 'short run' like Incitingsilence shared, or a 'very long run' as I and others have had. Or, and this is the negative, he may never find recovery. There are no guarantees.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Windblown
If I keep my boundaries intact he will stop trying to push me and I will have more peace in my life. I send blessings and prayers to each and every one of you...may you have a beautiful day.
When I keep my boundaries intact, I can't be manipulated and will have more peace in my life.
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