OMGOSH!!!! Need to vent....feels like I am drowning.

Old 10-03-2011, 07:45 PM
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OMGOSH!!!! Need to vent....feels like I am drowning.

Found this site not even 2 weeks ago and so much has transpired. As of a few days ago, I thought my husband had his last pill and I let him know how serious I was about being done and separating if he doesn't get off them. We talked about options of drug testing and him going off our bank account again and me giving him money if he needed it, and I explained to him that those ideas are really not solving anything and it is still making me responsible for his addiction when he is the one who needs to be responsible. I am tired of being responsible for him.

I had this talk last Sunday (not yesterday). Then over the weekend he went out to his truck and I followed him, and came up behind him to see what he was doing. I thought maybe he had some pills hid in his truck. I didn't find anything, and when I asked he said he thought he might have some money out there because we were about to leave for our sons football game and was just checking.

Then on Sunday he didn't want to go to church with me. So, I went with one of our sons and the other stayed home with him. While I was out, I had his phone because I lost mine last week at church, and a text comes across that says, "where you at?" and I texted back "At home" and then a text came through, "30's on deck, come see me" so I texted back, " dont think I can get away" then another text came through that said, "you still got me" That was it.

When I got home from church I had him come out to the truck and sent our son in and we drove around to talk. (Like I said, we hide alot from the kids). I asked him who this guy was who was texting him, he said just a co worker, and then I kept asking and then told him about the texts and he admitted that this guy worked at the same job as he did a few weeks ago and he got some pills from him.

Then I went over everything we had talked about last weekend, and last weekend I asked him if he owed anyone money, and he said no, but then yesterday he told me that he owed this guy $20 for pills and that is what the text "you still got me" meant. Also, on Saturday he called our next door neighbor and wouldn't tell me why, he just said that with what we are going through, possibly separating he needed to open lines of communication with friends to have to talk to. BUT Yesterday, while we are having this talk in the truck, he said he had borrowed $60 from our neighbor, because he has to go work out of town (left today) and didn't want to leave me here with no money. He then went on to tell me that on Friday he pawned his bass amp and got $60.00 and bought pills and put $10 in gas, so essentially he was borrowing $$$ from our neighbor because he was going to make it look like he had pawned his bass amp to get money for his family, when he really pawned it for pills and then had to borrow money from our neighbor to try to cover the fact of buying the pills. He did admit all this to me, but only after he was caught per se. When he went out to the truck on Saturday he was trying to get the pawn ticket to hide it, he said, "You had it in your hand but didn't know it" I was looking for money or pills.

He left today to go out of town for 5 days, and yesterday when we were talking I told him, we are going to have to separate and I can't do this anymore. I am numb, exhausted, sad, hopeless feeling and it is affecting me as a person severely. I don't even want to get out of bed some mornings and I homeschool our boys, so I have to. He said to please give him one last chance and that he had 56 days clean over the summer and that was a big accomplishment for him and he just messed up. I am not working right now and only one vehicle is running and he says he has no where to go and I told him that it is always going to be hard to separate. That is why it is a consequence, but I would rather deal with the difficulty of us separating than to continue like this. He said to please give him 2 paycheck periods and he is going to be out of town anyhow. I told him I would, but honestly, I feel like when he comes back in town Friday that I should just go stay with a friend, and let him spend the weekend with the boys. Just FYI, he doesn't 'get messed up' no one even knows he is on pills (except for a few close friends). He takes them to have energy so he isn't laying around and sleeping all the time because that is how he is without them. So, I am not worried about leaving our boys with him for the weekend. He takes Hydrocodone and no one would even know he is on them. BUT I just feel like I can't even be around him anymore like he is, as far as emotionally draining to go through all the lies. He acts completely "normal" on the pills, but it's the lies that kills me, the deception, and ultimately he is an addict, so even if it isn't extreme it's still addiction.
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Old 10-04-2011, 04:56 AM
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Vent away! Yes, he is an addict and he is doing what addicts do. White knuckling to stay off drugs doesn't work, unless he is working a strong recovery program he will go right back to the pills.

Do what is in the best interest of your children, they know more than you think, children are the true victims of addiction.
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Old 10-04-2011, 05:06 AM
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It's a terrible feeling when a marriage seems to be falling apart. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 10-04-2011, 07:42 PM
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IMO, even though no one knows that he is even ON pills, when he uses....I still wouldn't be leaving my children in his care.

If you can't drive or operate machinery when using them, can you be responsible enough to be with children?

And I know the boys are 11 and 13, but addicts do stupid things.......sometimes.

Jmo....
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Old 10-04-2011, 07:48 PM
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Thanks mooselips! I understand your opinion, but he has been on the pills so long that he needs them to get out of bed. When he doesn't have them is when he is moody, and sleeping because he has no energy. We are into almost 6 years, and for the most part he has been a steady 5-7 pills a day person (hydrocodone but has moved from 5's to 7.5 to 10's and back to 5's). When we separated before back in 2004, I didn't leave our kids with him, he was on coke then, but he came to my house to see them, and then when he got sober from that they were allowed over to see him. I am planning and figuring things out on how to separate. He is out of town M-F this week and for the next 3 weeks, so I have some time. Thanks again for your comment and opinion, I am going to remain watchful.
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Old 10-04-2011, 07:51 PM
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Sounds exactly like my brother in law who is addicted to oxycontin...
which some clueless Dr. prescribes for him....
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Old 10-05-2011, 12:52 PM
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Yeah, After his first MRI the doctor prescribed him 120 Hydrocodone and 100 Valium. Within a year and a half the doc had him on MS Contin, too, which he weaned himself off of after being on both for 6 months, he said he was havign horrible nightmares. He is buying the pills because the "new" doctor won't prescribe them to him anymore because he "failed" a drug test. They weren't in his system, so the doc said he either assumes that he is abusing them or selling them. He admitted he was taking too many. It is a vicious cycle!
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Old 10-05-2011, 05:32 PM
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You get to choose what kind of treatment you will accept from the people you allow to be part of your life. IMO, Lying is unacceptable behavior. I don't accept it from my kids or my friends or my acquaintances. I especially wouldn't accept it from my spouse. I don't care if he acts relatively normal when is high or not. That's not really the point, is it?

Do you know what personal boundaries are? Do you have any when it comes to lying? Or abusing drugs? Or making illegal purchases?
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Old 10-05-2011, 09:12 PM
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Hello-Kitty,
I am learning, this has all been revealed to me in the past month. It's very overwhelming, before he was prescribed the medicine by a doctor and even then it took me a long time to understand that he was abusing them. He had a legit injury, so it was hard to not trust what the doctors were doing, but as time went on I could see the addict in him coming out with the medicine and then the lies, which I forgave, but within the past month it has really blown up because his doc is not prescribing them anymore. I know I cannot live like this, and I don't want to. However, we have one car that is working, I have no job because I am a stay at home "homeschooling" mom and I really have myself in a situation I am not used to being in. Because he is working out of town M-F for the net 3 weeks, I am going to leave on weekends and let him be in the house. I am desperately seeking a job, and started searching as soon as all of this came to light. I even went and "pulled weeds" for a neighbor for $10 an hour today trying to get some money. I went to a Bible study today, an AL-Anon meeting and "Divorce care" tonight (a class at my church for divorced or separated people), so I am trying to get "my ducks in a row" so to speak, as fast as I can. I don't want to accept the lying, abusing drugs, and downward spiral that we are on.
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:35 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this!!! I could have written your story...hiding pills in his truck, the lying, the manipulating. I was a nervous wreck all the time...obsessing about whether or not he was using...analyzing his behavior...checking his truck at 3:00 in the morning when I should have been sleeping. It was awful!!! It never got any better for me until I left and filed for divorce. And even after losing his job, wife, and daughters...he still uses!

It's an awful cycle that won't change until the addict chooses to change it! I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and your children...he's an adult who must be responsible for his own choices!!!
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:32 AM
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ThatLittleGirl,
Thanks! We got married one week after we turned 21, and have grown up together pretty much. Again, it's hard when doctor'a prescribe stuff and even when I suspected he was taking too much medicine, up from 3 a day to about 5, I went with him to his doctor, and the doctor looked at me and said, "Ma'am, do you want your husband in pain." I told that doctor, "Of course not, but he grew up in a home of addicts and has addictive qualities and I don't want it to be a problem." So, in the beginning it was hard to know if he was "abusing", but now that he isn't prescribed them it is plain to see the lies and the behavior that goes along with it. My plan is to stay separated and if he can go 1 year (minimum) and do the counseling or whatever he feels he needs then I will not file for divorce, but if he can't then, I am setting my limit at one year clean. Thanks for the support!
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:36 AM
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Originally Posted by seekinganswrs View Post
My plan is to stay separated and if he can go 1 year (minimum) and do the counseling or whatever he feels he needs then I will not file for divorce, but if he can't then, I am setting my limit at one year clean. Thanks for the support!
I think everyone should stipulate one year clean when considering whether or not to divorce the AH/AW and move on.

Most don't make it to the one-year mark in my personal experience. It takes dedication and a LOT of hard work to maintain clean time and recovery.
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:44 AM
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Thanks Freedom1990!
I think 6 months is too little time, but a year seemed about right especially since we have 15 years together and 14 years married, that's about a month for every year of marriage, so we'll see. He even asked me what I want him to do, and I told him I want him to do what he thinks he should. I am going to just require 1 year clean, and however he does that is up to him, however, I do not consider the whole "suboxone" thing as "clean" He mentioned that over the weekend, but I have done research online and I am not sure how that is any different. It almost seems worse because it is so condensed. Thanks again. Just trying to make the best decisions for all and especially me and my boys!
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Old 10-06-2011, 10:47 AM
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Stick to your guns. I'm proud of you, and I hope you are proud of yourself too!

Sending hugs of support!
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Old 10-06-2011, 06:07 PM
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Wow how similar our stories are, except different addiction for my husband. Like you, we were married at 21 & 22. Our 5 year anniversary is Oct 14th…not sure at this point if there is anything to even celebrate, his addiction started just 7 months ago and within that 7 months he of course lost his job due to using at work, lost our health insurance along with other things, I've noticed things missing around the house that he pawned I actually had to hide my jewelry at one point, lock my purse in the trunk and hide my spare key, took all his credit cards and our debit card, it's sad to have to do that, and it's horrid at how sick we make ourselves in the beginning. I would come home every day on my lunch hour..just to catch him, as if I didn't know he was doing it anyways, but I had CONTROL it and take it away from him to make myself feel better as if it ever mattered. I think once you know you’re done you will feel it deeply and if you decided to separate you can still let him know that when he's ready for help and rehab you will be there for him, but you can still love and support him at a distance. It's true addicts are the worst to be around but I still think they need support, but this is only if they have accepted they have a major problem and WANT the help, it's such a loss cause and such a waste of energy if they don’t want it yet, and that's something I learned and still am learning the hard way. We cannot fix them, we cannot control them, your husband has to want this first and when he really does you will be able to tell immediately, he will open up about his secrets as it seems he has a little, he will tell you all the ways he gets his pills and what you can do to help him not get them so easily. The one thing that stuck out that you said is the lying part oh lord...that’s almost worse than the addiction itself, makes me crazy insane the stories and the lies. I wish you the best of luck, take care of yourself and your children first!
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