Farfalla

I need advice or at least to run by you all what has been going on since last week.

My prescribed and non prescribed drug addicted husband has been out of the home. He has not given me an support for about two weeks. He showed up on my front step this morning at 5:30am knocking on door. I opened the door and he was sick, (cold, coughing, etc.). He says he just wants to come home, he is sick and will go to therapy. I am now faced with this and I have to get myself ready for work and my son off to school. I do not want a drama filled morning and I do have a heart so I tell him come in go to sleep we will talk when I get home. I go into the shower and when I come out he is sleeping and money is on the kitchen table. I take half and leave the other half and a note. I tell him we need to talk after work. I state he may not like what I say so here is half the money just in case he storms out. I tell him I will work on scheduling an appt for him for therapy. I also discuss with my son on the way to school that daddy was sick and he needed to sleep but not to misunderstand that he is home now. I explain that after work I need to talk to him and we may go to Dunkin Doughnuts or diner for coffee to talk where he cannot overhear our conversation.

I, in my heart, want my husband off the percocets. He says he quit smoking weed. I truthfully do not think he can stop anything without help. I know this. It has been the same cycle for years. I am prepared to do the following:
Support him if he decides to go get help and therapy
If he doesn't, let him stay in the home and go to my mothers to live with my son.

He has been staying with his recovering alcoholic mother who is allowing my husband to stay on the living room couch and her daughter who is also an alcoholic/addict live in the dining room with her daughter. I know my husband misses his home and the stability I tried to have there despite his chaos.

My concern is I will cave if he doesn't agree to my terms. I do love him. I am afraid my emotions and feelings for him take over and allow him back in my life front and center without fulfilling my conditions. It saddens me to see him sufferring. I walked to my car in the driveway and his clothes are all in the back of the truck he drives. It is so sad. It breaks my heart the father of my children is living like this. I am afraid it is this empathy for him will make me make the wrong decision today. What is the right and wrong decision anyway?

Please be honest. I can take it no matter how hard it hurts.

Thank you all.

cc88

Im so sorry you and your son went through that.

Honestly: you making the appointment for him is probably a bad start. 1. You let him in your house and gave him a place to sleep. 2. He's "gonna get help". It should be the other way around. He needs to get HIMSELF clean. Also it sounds like manipulation. He needed a place to sleep and to rest. He got it. What is keeping him from waking up feeling a little better, getting the money, and going to score some dope? "the fact that he misses his family" is clearly not enough. hes sick. Plus, now he knows he can just knock on the door and if he's dramatic enough he gets a nice warm bed, and trust that he's gonna go to whatever appt you set for him.

HOWEVER

what's done is done. This time anyways. All you can do different is from here on out. The boundaries you outlined sound good if you stick to them and know what a addict who is truly in recovery look like. My brother used detox, rehab, AND meetings AS manipulation cause he was still using and thought we were all too dumb to tell the difference, which most of us WERE for a while. If you don't think you actually have it in you to take your son and leave, don't even say it. It just makes you less credible and empowers him more.

But what happens when he shows up at your moms house this time, even sicker, clothes even dirtier, truck more broken down, promising MORE that hes going to get treatment?? Will you let him in again?

chicory

You have a big heart. I understand your feelings. As was mentioned, he is the one who needs to make arrangements for getting his self help/clean. If you do things for them, they feel dependent, it is said.

It sounds like you know how to take care of you and your son, I send my support best wishes, for all of you,

Be sure to stick around, keep going to meetings (if you do), and take it a day at a time. There are no guarantees, you know that. Just do what you think is the right thing, as long as you are protecting you and your sweet son.

hugs
chicory

Freedom1990

Personally, while I was still actively using, I would have promised the moon if it would've gotten me a nice warm bed to sleep in and recuperate.

Addicts are nefarious for manipulation. I honed my skills for many years, and my parents were my best enablers.

He will walk all over you and spit you out if you don't get some backbone and quit caving to his "sympathy" ploys.

A little R&R for him, and he'll be off to the using races once again, guaranteed.

loveforhorses

You need to do what is best for your son. I am a single mom of a little boy who is very precious. I know that I am the person who will influence him on what is and is not ok to do with the future girls in is life. How I allow a man to treat me teaches him how to treat those girls. I want my son to be the absolute best he can be and to treat the future girl in his life as if she was a queen and to cherish her always. So my advice to you is if your husband is not what you want your son to grow up to be right now then you need to remove him from the influence. You are his only mom and you need to take care of you for his sake and for your own. If you aren't taking care of yourself then you are not able to give your all to your son. I know you love your husband that is not in question, but you need to love yourself and your little boy more. Fine you gave him a place to sleep now either you or he needs to go. Let him make his own appt. He is a grown man and needs to make the effort. I am all for supporting and assisting someone who is making an honest effort, but its his to make. Make him prove it too you. You can't help how he chooses to live but u can limit the effect it has on you and your son.

hugs

cc88

This is too good to just "thumbs up" Amen 1,000,000 %

Farfalla

cc88
My parents wouldn't stand for it nor would they allow it. By me going to my parents he would stay in our home so he would not even come there.

Farfalla

Thank you everyone. I am going to write things down throughout the day so I don't forget my personal boundaries and present them later today. I did call the therapist but I did not hear back yet. I expect this afternoon to be a heated conversation. It always is. I do not believe he will agree to coming off the percocets. He says he is in pain and needs them but anyone I know who truly needs pain medication has never snorted the meds. That shows there is a problem and they are being taken to get a high. I am prepared to move to my parents if he doesn't leave. Our house...well I can't put a price tag on my happiness and that of my son. I just am very vulnerable because I do love him. He is very manipulative. I was out to dinner with my family yesterday and I see couples coming into the resturant and I just don't know why I can't have that. Why can't I just have a normal relationship with my husband? A loving, supportive relationship. It is so sad. I am so sad.

Fandy

because your husband loves drugs much more than his wife and son. That is his first priority right now.

Farfalla

Yes cynical one really. If he will not leave the home I will leave with my son. It is in the same development so the school is the same just the bus stop is changed. My parents have three extra bedrooms where we can stay and I can take what is of value with me. The most precious my son. I owe it to him to be in a safe non confrontational environment. If his father will not leave the home which is half his then I have to leave. I am blessed to have a place to go.

Freedom1990

You can't because he's an addict, pure and simple. Yes it is sad, and it's okay to be sad.

I have to agree with cynical one in you NOT giving up your home for his sake.

Put your child first, please.

Farfalla

I guess I felt letting him in to sleep today while we were gone wasn't a step backwards but I see your point now.

hello-kitty

"You've got to stand for something or you'll fall for anything."

I was in that same situation you described many many times. My ex showed up at my house stinking of tequila and higher than a kite. I took the saying above to heart. I decided enough was enough. I closed the door on his face. And you know what? Lo and behold he found somewhere else to stay. You see, we were only OPTIONS to him. Not priorities. Drugs and alcohol were his only priority.

It was my responsibility to change my situation, not my ex's. He had proven himself to be a liar and a manipulator a million times over. I was done being a sucker.

My boundary is that I will not allow drug users around my child. I'm not going to let them sleep off their drug binges in my house. Ever. Period. I don't care who it is or how many times they promises to "change". I didn't want my son growing up thinking that using drugs and lying and manipulating is acceptable behavior. And I was the only sane sober adult in his life that could prevent that from happen.

You have to fight like a wild cat for your children. You are the only person who will.

Farfalla

hello-kitty,
did you ever experience sadness looking at other couples around you? If you did how did you not allow that sadness to cloud your thinking of what is right?

hello-kitty

Family, I'm a realist. There's a lot of single parents in the world. And a lot of unhappy couples. Everyone has issues. I focus on what I do have. I count my blessings every single day.

I think it's about acceptance of reality and not living in dreams. Once I accepted that my now ex wasn't going to magically turn into the man of dreams, I was able to move forward with my life. Now I have a great life. I didn't have that with my ex. I had chaos. I had instability. I had sadness. I had depression. I had anger.

I know you want that ideal, happy relationship with your husband. But the fact is you don't have it and you aren't going to get it. He's a drug addict. So pining over what other people have isn't going to fix your situation. It's just going to zap your strength and make your situation worse.

I think if we focus on what we can do to make our lives better, our lives will get better. We can always find people out there that have more than us and seem happier than us. But that has nothing to do with us really. I only worry about what I can control. And I can't control other people.

Freedom1990

It took me a long time to be able to look at other couples and not be sad.

I short-circuited that sadness after leaving my EXAH by getting involved in more unhealthy relationships, and hurt my daughters and myself in the process.

I finally hit a bottom when my dry drunk ex-fiance walked out on me and my youngest daughter.

I was determined to do the necessary work on self and stay away from relationships, period, no matter how much or how bad it hurt.

I am so grateful I gave myself that chance because I've found out there are much worse things than being a single parent.

I was able to be a stable and present parent to my youngest daughter once I made that commitment.

Today she knows what parent was there for her.

We have a good relationship, and you just cannot put a price tag on that, you know?

Farfalla

kc79,
thank you for responding and sharing. so i take it you are not together?

Farfalla

thank you hello kitty. I don't know if I am holding on emotionally to what I wished we ever had or what we did have.

lilotto

family-destroyed; as you can see you will get all kinds of support and suggestions here. Some good and some not so good, use your judgement cautiously. From your post it is obvious that you have a good idea of what needs to be done. First things first under no circumstances should you disrupt you and your son's life's. That especially takes into account the home. In no way should you move in with your parents and let him have the home. Why should you disrupt your and your parents lives for the comfort of the addict, who will probably end up losing it in the end. Wake up you can already see the effects and that his life is spiraling downwards to destruction and he has not done one thing to change that, except to knock on your door and disrupt you and your sons lives. So let me share some suggestions with you for your consideration. First stand your ground no matter what or how much you feel for him. This situation is very serious as it is not about any one of you but rather all three of you. He needs to get help now not when he gets around to it and needs to do it by him not you! For you and your son you need to stay in the home. I don't know how long you and your son have resided there but whatever length of time your son has come to accept that this is his home and it should remain that way! "Grandpa and Grandmas home is a special place to go visit and spend some quality time, by moving in with them you will without a doubt alter your sons future". His life is already heading in the direction of dysfunctional because of his drug addicted dad. Don't add to the already ensuing nightmare! This is not just about your husband, it is about all three of you and your futures. Now you need to make a list of what you will and will-not do no matter what, "stand your ground". Here are some suggestions for you.

You Will Not!
Leave the home and move in with your parents.
Accept him showing up at the home looking for sympathy.
Obtain a restraining order if need be to keep harmony in the home (tough love).
Let him be any part of your lives until he gets help for his addiction.

What You Will Do!
Support him in his efforts to get clean.
Encourage him in honest recovery.
Allow visitations when he is working and maintaining recovery from his addiction.
Expect him to pay something towards child support.

I am sure you get the idea. Now plant your feet and show your horns this is a winner takes all game of life and yes it is a very serious one!

hello-kitty

It's so important to stay in the present and make decisions based on the reality of the situation TODAY. Not what things used to be like or should have been like or how you wish things would be like in the future.