loveforhorses

Family..., my son's dad is not an addict, but for years I too would look at families and was saddened by the what outwardly appeared to bewhat I wished I had. I was sad and lonely and wanted someone to help me raise my son. I think that it is human to feel that way. To mourn the loss of a dream. However I knew that I still wouldn't have had the life I wanted and dreamed of and longed for with his dad. So I instead focused on what I did have with was my boy. A precious angel who brightens my day. I was still sad and lonely at times but tried to suppress those feelings for when I was alone and not in front of my son. What I am trying to say is it is ok for you to grieve and mourn and feel sadness and pain. It is ok and it is a valid emotion. Give it it's due and then grab your boot straps and pick yourself up, hug your boy, and breathe in and out and then begin to put one step in front of the other. You can do this! You deserve to have the life and relationship you want, but for now and maybe not ever, it's not with your husband.

Hang in there
gentle hugs

dollydo

You gave him a finger, he will now take a hand, next an arm and so on. He knows your weaknesses, addicts have a radar unlike others, they can latch onto a needy, weak or codependent person in the blink of an eye. The only way to stop him is to have him leave as soon as you get home. What is there to discuss? He is actively using, he is not in recovery, as for him not smoking pot, who knows, all addicts LIE, they will say anything to get what they want, and, I mean ANYTHING.

You are allowing your fantasy mindset to override your common sense. He is not your mate, his mate is drugs, you are in this relationship by yourself. Believe me, you can have a great life without being a "couple", focus on your children, that must be your priorty. You must be the responsible one, no child should be raised in the home with an addict, do wht's right for your children.

Think this through, love does not conquer all, he is manipulating you.

Farfalla

Well the snorting is cocaine not percocet. But expects me to allow him to live here.

Farfalla

Kc79 thank you for sharing. I am just so deflated. Now I learn it was coke he was using. He said it was a big time problem but he quit. I don't know how you just quit.

Chino

family, is there any way you can focus on solutions right now? Be proactive?

itsanewday2011

Hi there - I am so sorry you have to go through this. The one thing I learned when my husband was in rehab was KEY. I met with an addiction counselor and she told me one thing that hit home - she said "Your daughter does not deserve to see you as a codepedent. If your husband continues this behavior, you will be demonstrating to your child that it is okay to be in this kind of relationship". Everybody else kept saying how I deserved to be happy. When I put myself in a "teaching role" and how I was going to be molding my daughter with my actions and response, I knew my answer. I filed for divorce soon after.

I am not saying that is right for you - I am just offering what was my "answer".

Now, keep in mind, my ex is bi-polar and an addict, so we were dealing with multiple issues, but she said that he probably would need a year "to get his brain back" and probably was struggling with so many other issues that I may never "really" know him and asked "do you really want to be in a relationship like that"?

Having said all of the above...the above was my "ah ha" moment...that along with visiting with a Pastor to overcome my concern about not abiding by my marriage vows. Sorry if I offend anyone who isn't religious, but she said that God (or whoever your higher power is) doesn't want us abused. Being married to an addict can be "abusive"....it was for me.

Originally Posted by familydestroyed
hello-kitty,
did you ever experience sadness looking at other couples around you? If you did how did you not allow that sadness to cloud your thinking of what is right?

For me, this was a "biggie"...I also have found that suddenly after being divorced I have some friends who have "disappeared" and other friends who have been extremely supportive. Yes, I get sad. Yes, I get "jealous" of what other families have. However, we never know what goes on behind closed doors and my daughter is my rock. It is she that gives me strength to get through the day.

Farfalla

Good morning everyone!
I am being proactive. I confronted my husband. He admitted to using cocaine as well. He says he is not using cocaine anymore but everything he says is a lie so I chose not to believe. I told him unless he is working in an active addiction program we will not work. I paid the car insurance for the next six months. I am not leaving my home. I am going to suggest putting it up for sale. He is refusing to leave the home. Well, at least last night I should say after he came to the house to talk and I presented him with my list of boundaries which he claims were demands. I don't feel it is a healthy environment for us both to be there for my son especially if he is using anything including percocet. I have a great deal of tension around him and my son senses it. So, if he doesn't leave do you all recommend filing for a restraining order?

outtolunch

He's right. Telling him that unless he....you will ...... is a demand and an attempt to control his behavior. If that is all it took to compel people to embrace recovery, none of us would be here.

These are boundaries:
I will not live with someone in active addiction.
I will not live with someone who steals from me.
I will not live with someone who cheats on me.

All let go of the outcome. He is free to drug, steal and cheat. You remove yourself or him from the situation when your boundary is crossed.

Conditions for a restraining order vary state to state and within state and often by judge. Please seek legal counsel.

Farfalla

any suggestions on if I should tell my children what we suspected he was doing snorting his percocets was actually snorting of cocaine?

outtolunch

Is snorting cocaine worse than snorting percs? There's no pecking order when it comes to addiction. And truth be told, you likely DK what he's doing. He's an addict doing what addicts do.

Your children are predisposed to addiction and codependency minimally due to enviornmental issues within the family. Genetics may also be a factor.
Dropping a bomb like this on kids takes careful consideration to avoid making them feel like they caused it or that they are unworthy, which then carries the potential to contribute to their own problems.

The addict in my life is my daughter and neither my husband or I have first hand experience with drugs. If the tables were turned, I would be inclined to seek professional advise from a qualified therapist with strong experience teaching families how to cope with addiction.

Farfalla

outtolunch,
No, you are right one is not worse.
He is full of lies and I have no idea what he is doing. Do I believe the coke was a past problem? No. Do I believe he hasn't touched it in two years? No. We are in therapy, my son and I. My husband...oh he doesn't have any issues and doesn't need therapy. Ha!

hello-kitty

I'm glad you are in therapy. What does your therapist say about this situation?

Can you try writing up what your boundaries are? And what action you will take if they are violated?

Most people have found it to be a very helpful exercise.

dollydo

What illegal drug he is snorting doesn't make any difference, and I doubt that is whole truth anyway. If an addict says he snorting coke, they are most likely smoking crack or meth or doing all three, as they always lie and try to make their addiction sound better than it is. This is what addicts do.

I would go and sit down with an attorney. Now that you let him back in, he is not going to just leave, so, you need to obtain legal advice as to how to get him out.

Keep going to therapy it will help.

outtolunch

In another post on another thread you mentioned that you want your husband to seek treatment/rehab.

To make sure we are on the same page, treatment/rehab does not cure addiction.Best case, it will teach the tools of recovery to a highly motivated person willing to do anything to recover.

Truth be told, most in treatment and rehab are not highly motivated and most certainly not willing to do what it takes to recover which is why the relapse rate is so high.

The drug of choice may change ( and is not limited to drugs) but it's still the same ole song.

It does not sound like your husband has had the opportunity to experience the consequences of his addiction, which is the foundation for any change. Can you consider giving him the gift of dignity to do so and then let go of the outcome. Only he can decide he's done.

Farfalla

I understand there is no cure but tools provided to help with the disease. It is hard to see anyone suffer and struggle although I know this is what is necessary for him to realize.

Freedom1990

It is hard, but I can tell you it took every miserable experience I had in life while actively using for me to finally hit a bottom.

For years my parents cushioned the fall for me, so I continued to use and not deal with life.

At one point I had to walk away from them because the shame and guilt that I felt was overwhelming.

That decision in turn led to me finally hitting a bottom.

hello-kitty

It's harder for me to watch the wives and children of addicts suffer and struggle because of the actions (or inaction) of a drug addict. It's also hard for me to watch friends and family members of addicts stop addicts from feeling the full consequences of their bad choices because that's really an addicts only opportunity to realize how bad their addiction really is.

People (both addicts and enablers) quit when the pain of not quitting is worse than the pain of quitting.

Where's your bottom family? What do you see it as?

outtolunch

It's posts like this, from those who lived it, that taught me the most.
Without misery, there is no hope. Learning to live with the misery of watching someone we care about self destruct, is a necessary part of our own recovery from codependency. For me, it was substantially tougher to do nothing than to continue to risk my own sanity and safety and expend tremendeous energy and financial resources to rescue my daughter from her own demons.

Farfalla

I'm trying.

Chino

Do or do not. There is no try. ~ Yoda

Everything works better for me when I commit to doing my best, instead of trying