this is living hell
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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argh
Spoke to my father on the phone about my brother's $500 car rekey job two days after he got out of the hospital. He had lost his key and called a tow service to bring it to be rekeyed. We had believed that he had called AAA, but now we know he didn't. I had to call AAA to ask them to check the records. He probably didn't even know how to use his AAA membership as he is such an inexperienced driver. He has not been trustworthy enough with vehicles that he has only had one previously for a few months and now this one for about a half year.
After talking to my dad, I felt angry at him for not insisting that my brother go into a 28 day inpatient rehab at the hearing that was held to determine what conditions would be imposed on his release from the hospital. Part of me is still blaming my father for my brother's behavior (for not protecting my brother from abuse and neglect by his mother and siblings for so many years, essentially from when he was born until he was a teen) as it is feels like the inevitable outcome of the circumstances of his life.
After talking to my dad, I felt angry at him for not insisting that my brother go into a 28 day inpatient rehab at the hearing that was held to determine what conditions would be imposed on his release from the hospital. Part of me is still blaming my father for my brother's behavior (for not protecting my brother from abuse and neglect by his mother and siblings for so many years, essentially from when he was born until he was a teen) as it is feels like the inevitable outcome of the circumstances of his life.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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I found my previous username (anaserene). Looking back at my threads, I see how much I have learned over the years from this forum. I see how hopeful I had been that B ("BPR" I used to call him here) would not become another statistic and that things would get better. Obviously, that has not been the case. As someone wrote in this thread, "Nothing changes unless nothing changes." Indeed.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
It took courage to repost this old thread, Alerity. What strikes me in it is how much you lashed out at people whose experience and points of view you didn't want to hear.
I used to do the same thing. I hadn't found SR yet, so there isn't any written record of my rants. But my poor friends sure took the full force of my anger when they had the love & strength to be honest with their thoughts about my addicted ex partner and my commitment to him. I was not in a good place then, and it's like I was taking all of the anger that I should have felt toward my ex, and directing it toward others who loved me and were trying to help me out of the hole I had dug for myself.
My life is so much better now that I've left all that behind me. It's harder, of course, when it's an addicted family member, but the most important life lesson that I learned in dealing with addiction was to always be honest with myself and what I am seeing, even if this displeases others.
I used to do the same thing. I hadn't found SR yet, so there isn't any written record of my rants. But my poor friends sure took the full force of my anger when they had the love & strength to be honest with their thoughts about my addicted ex partner and my commitment to him. I was not in a good place then, and it's like I was taking all of the anger that I should have felt toward my ex, and directing it toward others who loved me and were trying to help me out of the hole I had dug for myself.
My life is so much better now that I've left all that behind me. It's harder, of course, when it's an addicted family member, but the most important life lesson that I learned in dealing with addiction was to always be honest with myself and what I am seeing, even if this displeases others.
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Hi needabreak, Yes, looking back, I do remember feeling very frustrated when respondents used sarcasm or made presumptuous comments, hence my reactions. I have learned over the years of online forum participation to take such statements with a grain of salt.
By the way, never did I not want to hear others' experiences. What I did not want to hear is blaming and scolding language, what another SR member posted as "preaching" in a separate thread.
By the way, never did I not want to hear others' experiences. What I did not want to hear is blaming and scolding language, what another SR member posted as "preaching" in a separate thread.
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P.S. Also looking back, I myself got through a serious drug addiction relatively unscathed and saw a lot of my own experience in B's experience, so I hoped that he would "grow out of it" or at least would not get to the place where he is now. He was only 21 at the time. If it was living hell then, it surely has become hell on earth now with his felony, jail time-->probation, psych hospitals for the past half year, etc. Someone in another thread from back in 2011 wrote about her younger brother going in and out of jail, suffering consequences, but not changing his ways no matter what (support taken away, etc). I still hope that won't be my B. The one thing that certainly has changed in the past 5 years is my detachment for my own health and well being. That I credit SR with helping so much.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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I tried a few "substances" in college. This made for some interesting and fun weekends, but I found that in general they just got in the way of what I really wanted to do, which was to focus on my studies and find a well-paying job so that I could get the hell out of the little suburb I grew up in, and move to the big city and live on my own.
It's funny how some of us dabble in drugs, and then move on with hardly a second thought, while others become consumed by their addictions. But I was fooling myself if I thought I was beyond all that. My addiction turned out to be to people. I may not have always been codependent, but my behavior and thought patterns were full-on codependent when I was with my ex. I was addicted to him and to the drama -- this is where my addictive tendencies lie, and what I had to take ownership of.
A "healthy" person would not devote several years to trying to cover for an addict, and "helping" an addict to recover. I did. I set myself back. I am in a much better place now. I don't even think much about my ex. But I still work on forgiving myself for putting myself through hell for such a long time.
It's funny how some of us dabble in drugs, and then move on with hardly a second thought, while others become consumed by their addictions. But I was fooling myself if I thought I was beyond all that. My addiction turned out to be to people. I may not have always been codependent, but my behavior and thought patterns were full-on codependent when I was with my ex. I was addicted to him and to the drama -- this is where my addictive tendencies lie, and what I had to take ownership of.
A "healthy" person would not devote several years to trying to cover for an addict, and "helping" an addict to recover. I did. I set myself back. I am in a much better place now. I don't even think much about my ex. But I still work on forgiving myself for putting myself through hell for such a long time.
Last edited by Needabreak; 12-12-2015 at 12:14 PM. Reason: Fixed typos
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"A 'healthy' person would not devote several years to trying to cover for an addict, and 'helping' an addict to recover."
I'm not so sure about that. So long as the loved one does not harm herself/himself and the loved one is helping the A to recover as opposed to enabling the A, then I do not understand why caring should be so pathologized. This is something that David Sheff writes about in Clean. When researching for his book, he encountered many professionals who were very concerned about pathologizing the caring of loved ones for their As. This is one of the reasons "codependency" never has nor ever will be in the DSM.
I have a deep and profound belief in helping those according to their needs, based on my catholic upbringing, my mother's politics, her modeling codependency and her own addictions leading to my parentification from age 8 on. Maybe that is an "unhealthy" way to be but it is part of the core of my being and I can't be any other way. What I can do is recognize when the caring for others ends in harming myself and set that boundary. One can do both. There is no false dilemma.
I'm not so sure about that. So long as the loved one does not harm herself/himself and the loved one is helping the A to recover as opposed to enabling the A, then I do not understand why caring should be so pathologized. This is something that David Sheff writes about in Clean. When researching for his book, he encountered many professionals who were very concerned about pathologizing the caring of loved ones for their As. This is one of the reasons "codependency" never has nor ever will be in the DSM.
I have a deep and profound belief in helping those according to their needs, based on my catholic upbringing, my mother's politics, her modeling codependency and her own addictions leading to my parentification from age 8 on. Maybe that is an "unhealthy" way to be but it is part of the core of my being and I can't be any other way. What I can do is recognize when the caring for others ends in harming myself and set that boundary. One can do both. There is no false dilemma.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
In my case, I definitely harmed myself. Career-wise, and relationship wise. I'm 52 and single, no kids. I sacrificed many years of my life to someone who became more and more selfish, and was not able to be in a relationship of equals with me. I didn't need to do this, either. I chose it. And at this stage of my life, I deeply regret it. I could blame him for choosing addiction, or society for putting women in a "helping" role, or my parents for training me to be a people pleaser. But really, in the end, I blame myself for putting other people's needs and agendas ahead of my own for so much of my life.
It's great that you have a deep and profound belief in helping others according to their needs, but I can only say: be honest with yourself, and be very very careful about maintaining that boundary. In my experience, it's much harder to do than it appears.
It's great that you have a deep and profound belief in helping others according to their needs, but I can only say: be honest with yourself, and be very very careful about maintaining that boundary. In my experience, it's much harder to do than it appears.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
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Glad that you made the changes that you needed to make 
I can relate, having "wasted" a decade with my XABF. I was his rock, his support, and, at times, his caretaker. We split up five years ago and it was the best thing for sure. I learned a lot from that mistake!
I can relate, having "wasted" a decade with my XABF. I was his rock, his support, and, at times, his caretaker. We split up five years ago and it was the best thing for sure. I learned a lot from that mistake!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: USA
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I disagree with being stuck in a mold of who you are. Birth order, events, genetics, exposure, environment, etc ... can help create who we are but as we age and much of it doesn't bring fruits and happiness to our lives ... we have a choice to change. Codependency to me is a learned behavior. Perhaps survival for some. But anything can be changed.
I have spent 34 years changing it and though it is slow, what else is life but an endless opportunity to learn ?
There is always hope. Not to change anyone else but to change 'ourselves'.
Printed words may not always be read with the love and concern that they are written. We try to share our ESH with as few words as possible. Take what you read and leave the rest. Meetings teach us that also. Weekly conflict would be counterproductive. There is nobody here who wishes anything bad for anyone else. Each situation, each relationship, each story .... shared for anyone who can benefit knowing that they are not alone. No judgments, no accusations, no criticisms - just sharing pieces of our lives.
I have spent 34 years changing it and though it is slow, what else is life but an endless opportunity to learn ?
There is always hope. Not to change anyone else but to change 'ourselves'.
Printed words may not always be read with the love and concern that they are written. We try to share our ESH with as few words as possible. Take what you read and leave the rest. Meetings teach us that also. Weekly conflict would be counterproductive. There is nobody here who wishes anything bad for anyone else. Each situation, each relationship, each story .... shared for anyone who can benefit knowing that they are not alone. No judgments, no accusations, no criticisms - just sharing pieces of our lives.
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