this is living hell
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
this is living hell
This is my first time here. I am the much older sister (by 17 years) of a 21 year old alcohol and substance abuser. I have played the role of a 3rd parent in his life, so I feel There is such a long history that I don't expect anyone to read but I will try to describe what has been going on recently in a nutshell. My brother, BPR, is not learning from his experiences and I am so afraid that he is going to die or go to jail. Since turning 18 and going to college, he has been using alcohol, marijuana, and hard drugs (prescription and illegal) on and off, overdosing at least twice. He has had a couple of misdemeanors for minor crimes during periods of heavy use. His license has been suspended twice, although he technically only has one DWI. He also lost a full ROTC scholarship when his university suspended him, resulting in a $50,000 debt to the government.
He went back to school this past semester, and was doing well, so we thought, until his doctor prescribed him Adderall. BPR's substance of choice is definitely cocaine. During winter break, he seemed to be rather depressed... and as the end of his 30 day supply approached, it was obvious that he was not using it according to his dosage because he ran out a couple of weeks before he could get his refill. I facilitated getting the refill, as he was going to Rome a few days before the 30-day period ended. He lied to a family friend doctor that he was on 60 mg, double his regular dose, and a few days later he went on a bender. Flying to Rome was overwhelmingly scary to him, plus his flight was canceled due to the blizzard, and he had a panic attack at the airport. He canceled his trip, lying to his girlfriend in Rome that he had had to be hospitalized. The guilt from the lie sent him into a downward spiral.
He ended up taking almost the entire month's supply in about a week's time. He stopped drinking alcohol, giving away his car keys out of fear of himself. Smoking a ton of pot, he became manic and psychotic, not surprising as this is a potential side effect from Adderall and other amphetamines. He called me to rescue him from himself and I drove the 11 hours to where he lives. What I saw was terrifying. I knew he had to be locked up but I was not going to be the one to do it. He kept saying things like "At least I'm not scoring crack on the corner" and "Isn't it funny that I'm not drinking and look at me!"
The second day I was there, I thought that he would sleep it off and get back to normal. However, once he started smoking pot, even just a little, he was triggered again into a manic state. I pointed it out to him that smoking pot was not being "sober" and he asked me to leave. Later that night, a few hours after I left, he was civilly committed by an undercover cop at a gas station after BPR started talking to him strangely. BPR is in denial, I think. He was released from the hospital a few days after being admitted, with an outpatient treatment plan in place.
This was just two weeks ago. His classes began Monday and we don't know if he is well enough to resume his studies. We have severely limited his access to cash. For food, he gets gift cards to the local supermarket. He has his car, despite the suspended license, but if he had his act together he could get a restricted license so he could get to campus and back. In the meantime, I have given him checks made out to the local cab company.
I keep tabs on him by going into his college account to see if he is logging in to take care of his online classes. The last time he logged in was Monday afternoon.
I do not agree with the arbitrary "18 years old" cut-off that is described in the al-anon information. Developmental age and circumstances are important factors. I do believe, in BPR's case, that it is now time to start to pull back. Cutting him off from cash is a very good first step. Our father plans to keep supporting him with rent/utilities/food until his lease expires in July. He goes back and forth on whether to take the car away. I have been unplugging my phone at night so I can get solid nights of sleep. Problem is, I still get phone calls from my sister, BPR's mother, and BPR's girlfriend's mother all worried about BPR. They call me because they know how emotionally involved I am and how close I have been to him. I don't want that role anymore but I don't know how to shed it.
He went back to school this past semester, and was doing well, so we thought, until his doctor prescribed him Adderall. BPR's substance of choice is definitely cocaine. During winter break, he seemed to be rather depressed... and as the end of his 30 day supply approached, it was obvious that he was not using it according to his dosage because he ran out a couple of weeks before he could get his refill. I facilitated getting the refill, as he was going to Rome a few days before the 30-day period ended. He lied to a family friend doctor that he was on 60 mg, double his regular dose, and a few days later he went on a bender. Flying to Rome was overwhelmingly scary to him, plus his flight was canceled due to the blizzard, and he had a panic attack at the airport. He canceled his trip, lying to his girlfriend in Rome that he had had to be hospitalized. The guilt from the lie sent him into a downward spiral.
He ended up taking almost the entire month's supply in about a week's time. He stopped drinking alcohol, giving away his car keys out of fear of himself. Smoking a ton of pot, he became manic and psychotic, not surprising as this is a potential side effect from Adderall and other amphetamines. He called me to rescue him from himself and I drove the 11 hours to where he lives. What I saw was terrifying. I knew he had to be locked up but I was not going to be the one to do it. He kept saying things like "At least I'm not scoring crack on the corner" and "Isn't it funny that I'm not drinking and look at me!"
The second day I was there, I thought that he would sleep it off and get back to normal. However, once he started smoking pot, even just a little, he was triggered again into a manic state. I pointed it out to him that smoking pot was not being "sober" and he asked me to leave. Later that night, a few hours after I left, he was civilly committed by an undercover cop at a gas station after BPR started talking to him strangely. BPR is in denial, I think. He was released from the hospital a few days after being admitted, with an outpatient treatment plan in place.
This was just two weeks ago. His classes began Monday and we don't know if he is well enough to resume his studies. We have severely limited his access to cash. For food, he gets gift cards to the local supermarket. He has his car, despite the suspended license, but if he had his act together he could get a restricted license so he could get to campus and back. In the meantime, I have given him checks made out to the local cab company.
I keep tabs on him by going into his college account to see if he is logging in to take care of his online classes. The last time he logged in was Monday afternoon.
I do not agree with the arbitrary "18 years old" cut-off that is described in the al-anon information. Developmental age and circumstances are important factors. I do believe, in BPR's case, that it is now time to start to pull back. Cutting him off from cash is a very good first step. Our father plans to keep supporting him with rent/utilities/food until his lease expires in July. He goes back and forth on whether to take the car away. I have been unplugging my phone at night so I can get solid nights of sleep. Problem is, I still get phone calls from my sister, BPR's mother, and BPR's girlfriend's mother all worried about BPR. They call me because they know how emotionally involved I am and how close I have been to him. I don't want that role anymore but I don't know how to shed it.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hello and welcome to SR.
I'm sorry for the reason
but I'm glad you've found Soberrecovery.
There's a ton of experience here
and some very very wise people
who need you to be here
in order to keep themselves sane.
I am one of them.
Well, maybe not all that wise....LOL
I am the YOUNGER sister of an alcoholic
(by almost the same number of years)
and know the 'third parent' role
something I had to learn
before the age of fifteen, unfortunately.
I can say from my own personal experience
that having only family as support
is not all that helpful
because they've 'cast' us into the role
we've played for them
our entire lives.
When we decide to move beyond that role
it can affect the entire family dynamic.
That's why programs such as Naranon or AlAnon
are so very important in 3D.
IT's not only gentle and works - you can't beat the price!
This website has helped change my life
and the support, friendship and advice
I've received here served as a lifeline
for me when the 'real' world just got too complex.
I hope you'll make friends here
that can help you while you decide
what you're best options are.
Welcome!
I'm sorry for the reason
but I'm glad you've found Soberrecovery.
There's a ton of experience here
and some very very wise people
who need you to be here
in order to keep themselves sane.
I am one of them.
Well, maybe not all that wise....LOL
I am the YOUNGER sister of an alcoholic
(by almost the same number of years)
and know the 'third parent' role
something I had to learn
before the age of fifteen, unfortunately.
I can say from my own personal experience
that having only family as support
is not all that helpful
because they've 'cast' us into the role
we've played for them
our entire lives.
When we decide to move beyond that role
it can affect the entire family dynamic.
That's why programs such as Naranon or AlAnon
are so very important in 3D.
IT's not only gentle and works - you can't beat the price!
This website has helped change my life
and the support, friendship and advice
I've received here served as a lifeline
for me when the 'real' world just got too complex.
I hope you'll make friends here
that can help you while you decide
what you're best options are.
Welcome!
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Thank you, Barb. I have to admit I am very skeptical about AA and Al-anon. My brother's mother has been going to Al-anon since my brother was 15. She has been encouraging me to follow suit for the past 6 years. There is no way for me to go in person (I think that is what you mean by "3D") because I live in a very small city and I have a very high profile career. I did start seeing a therapist this week, and she is going to help me work through the trauma.
Despite my caution towards the program and its effectiveness, I have enjoyed reading the resources on this forum. There is some very helpful advice to family members. I am very glad that this site exists. Again, thank you.
Despite my caution towards the program and its effectiveness, I have enjoyed reading the resources on this forum. There is some very helpful advice to family members. I am very glad that this site exists. Again, thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 105
Hi There, Your situation sounds so heartbreaking. I bet you love your brother to death and "like me" if you keep up taking care of all his problems~~you could possible do that. I'm glad your seeing a therapist. I had to do that also and she helped me extremely to make the correct decisions regarding my son. Does he want to help himself? Thats the first step for him. Stick around here. There are so many helpful people that have walked in your shoes. Maybe not in the same direction but pretty darn close.....hugs~
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Okay, then. SR is a wonderful resource
for companionship as well as support
like I said!
I'm glad to read about the therapy or counseling as well.
And yea - face to face=F2F or 3D is the reference.
The situation you described
tells me that there's far more than just dealing with your brother going on
and that you're trying to change the role of 'fixer'.
I'm glad to read
that you'll be getting that support
in the real world
as well as here.
It's a big job
but it doesn't need to be
a big drama either.
There's quite a few who've worked to do similar here.
they'l be along as the can to welcome you and say hi.
for companionship as well as support
like I said!
I'm glad to read about the therapy or counseling as well.
And yea - face to face=F2F or 3D is the reference.
The situation you described
tells me that there's far more than just dealing with your brother going on
and that you're trying to change the role of 'fixer'.
I'm glad to read
that you'll be getting that support
in the real world
as well as here.
It's a big job
but it doesn't need to be
a big drama either.
There's quite a few who've worked to do similar here.
they'l be along as the can to welcome you and say hi.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Thank you, Dignity. I do see how many people here have been there and done this or are also trying to do this. The situation is so heartbreaking, it's almost unbearable. What makes it so bad is the really traumatic childhood my brother had, his learning disabilities (visual processing disorder that seriously impacts his ability to reason abstractly and foresee consequences!), his good heart and good nature, and the obvious terrible pain he's going through.
Some kids with his experiences (diagnosed with conduct disorder) wind up with antisocial personality disorder and lack empathy. Others wind up with substance abuse disorder. It's pretty sad when I end up saying to myself "at least he isn't a sociopath." In some ways, detaching from someone like that would be so easy. I have to get to work... thanks for reading!
Some kids with his experiences (diagnosed with conduct disorder) wind up with antisocial personality disorder and lack empathy. Others wind up with substance abuse disorder. It's pretty sad when I end up saying to myself "at least he isn't a sociopath." In some ways, detaching from someone like that would be so easy. I have to get to work... thanks for reading!
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((ana))
welcome to our SR family!!
hate so much that you are feeling the pain of having a loved one affected by this disease - but so glad you are reaching out for help for you!
Please keep coming back, reading, sharing and listening to the experience, strength and hope of our members - It is an awesome recovery tool to help us know what is the healthiest decisions to make for ourselves and for our loved ones.
I know that I learned that allowing them to find their own way, suffer consequences for their actions and to say NO to them - is most of the time the most loving thing I can do.
It allows them the ability to find their own dignity & self-repect to find their own way.
To find their inner strength!
PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
welcome to our SR family!!
hate so much that you are feeling the pain of having a loved one affected by this disease - but so glad you are reaching out for help for you!
Please keep coming back, reading, sharing and listening to the experience, strength and hope of our members - It is an awesome recovery tool to help us know what is the healthiest decisions to make for ourselves and for our loved ones.
I know that I learned that allowing them to find their own way, suffer consequences for their actions and to say NO to them - is most of the time the most loving thing I can do.
It allows them the ability to find their own dignity & self-repect to find their own way.
To find their inner strength!
PINK HUGS to you,
Rita
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Welcome and I am sorry for what brings you here.
I am the oldest of four my dad drank and my mom suffers from depression and anxiety so when I was a child I filled those roles as well. It is very difficult to know when you are enabling or helping someone that suffers from a psychological disorder that is also an addict. Maybe when you see your counselor they may have some ideas on how to proceed.
Sending hugs and prayers out to you
I am the oldest of four my dad drank and my mom suffers from depression and anxiety so when I was a child I filled those roles as well. It is very difficult to know when you are enabling or helping someone that suffers from a psychological disorder that is also an addict. Maybe when you see your counselor they may have some ideas on how to proceed.
Sending hugs and prayers out to you
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Wow. From your post it seems, the more you help him, the more his addiction progresses... perhaps there is a correlation there?
As long as "3rd" mommy is there to take care of him, he has no real need to take care of himself. Perhaps if you give him the dignity and respect of allowing him to fully feel the consequences of his bad choices, he will have an opportunity to grow up and become responsible for himself. It can't be any less effective than the current technique you are using to try and save him...
As long as "3rd" mommy is there to take care of him, he has no real need to take care of himself. Perhaps if you give him the dignity and respect of allowing him to fully feel the consequences of his bad choices, he will have an opportunity to grow up and become responsible for himself. It can't be any less effective than the current technique you are using to try and save him...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
"I know that I learned that allowing them to find their own way, suffer consequences for their actions and to say NO to them - is most of the time the most loving thing I can do."
I wish there was research out there that supports the anecdotal evidence. Does anyone know if the theoretical claims of the al-anon method have ever been tested?
I wish there was research out there that supports the anecdotal evidence. Does anyone know if the theoretical claims of the al-anon method have ever been tested?
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
I wish there was research out there that supports the anecdotal evidence. Does anyone know if the theoretical claims of the al-anon method have ever been tested?
I was very angry at them, and moved across the country to California. It took me 2 1/2 more years to find recovery and the last year and a half I lived on the streets of Hollywood (consequences of my actions, a real 'wake-up' call, even though I was very numbed by alcohol and drugs).
I can tell you this, of all the things my parents ever did for me, including the 'enabling years' and the 'bail outs' and the 'loans' etc this was THE BEST THING THEY EVER DID!
I was told it was my problem and I had to figure out how to fix it.
As I said it took a while before I found recovery but I did. Once I had been sober for several years and the lines of communication were back in place and they were slowly learning to trust me again, my mom told me, that had they not done what they did, they were driving themselves so crazy that they both would have ended up in straight jackets in padded cells, and she was serious.
It was a hard way of Letting Go, but she said in the long run it was not as hard as watching me destroy myself. She set boundaries after we started communicating again and she stuck to them.
I can tell you that until their individual passings, dad in Oct of 2000 and Mom in Feb of '04 we had an excellent relationship. I personally do not feel I would have found recovery had it not been for Mom and Dad with the help of what they were learning in AlAnon, had not done what they did.
I will have 30 years on June 7th of continuous sober recovery and 27 years of learning and using AlAnon way to live my life and interact with others (not just alkies and/or addicts.)
I have worked with many in recovery over the years and have found that those whose folks, or husband, or family did what mine did, somehow found their bottom, and came to WANT recovery.
What I have shared above are theoretical they are my experiences and others who have related them to me.
Now, AlAnon is not for everyone, I understand that. There are other means for a family member, loved one of an A to get help for themselves. Counseling has helped many, and not necessarily the first counselor one contacts. There again, it has to be someone, that the individual not only feels 'comfortable' with but someone that understands or specializes in addictions.
Hope the above helps a bit.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
The al-anon program is about YOU finding peace in your life. Not about saving addicts. If an addict turns his or her life around, it will have nothing to do with you or whether or not you are in Alanon. But at least you will find peace with yourself.
You stated you are too emotionally involved.
The way to extract yourself from your brother's problems is to stop involving yourself in his bad choices. A side effect of this is that he gets to be an adult, he gets to feel the consequences of his actions and he gets to decide whether or not he will keep making the same choices or change his choices based on the consequences he experiences. It takes longer for some people to figure that bad choices have bad consequences - especially if they are never allowed to experience them.
I think you'll find a lot of research done on rats, food and shock aversion therapy that can support this.
You stated you are too emotionally involved.
They call me because they know how emotionally involved I am and how close I have been to him. I don't want that role anymore but I don't know how to shed it.
I think you'll find a lot of research done on rats, food and shock aversion therapy that can support this.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by hello-kitty 
Wow. From your post it seems, the more you help him, the more his addiction progresses... perhaps there is a correlation there?
As long as "3rd" mommy is there to take care of him, he has no real need to take care of himself. Perhaps if you give him the dignity and respect of allowing him to fully feel the consequences of his bad choices, he will have an opportunity to grow up and become responsible for himself. It can't be any less effective than the current technique you are using to try and save him...
As long as "3rd" mommy is there to take care of him, he has no real need to take care of himself. Perhaps if you give him the dignity and respect of allowing him to fully feel the consequences of his bad choices, he will have an opportunity to grow up and become responsible for himself. It can't be any less effective than the current technique you are using to try and save him...
In all other aspects, I agree with allowing him experience the consequences of his choices. But I am not going to not be there to support him (not materially, not financially) when he is in pain and needs someone to just be there and listen.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by anaserene
This is exactly what I do not like about al-Anon. It lacks compassion and humanity.
In all other aspects, I agree with allowing him experience the consequences of his choices. But I am not going to not be there to support him (not materially, not financially) when he is in pain and needs someone to just be there and listen.
In all other aspects, I agree with allowing him experience the consequences of his choices. But I am not going to not be there to support him (not materially, not financially) when he is in pain and needs someone to just be there and listen.
I learned that when my adult daughter wanted to come live with me ~ I could tell her NO
She was homeless
She had no job,
No money
No way to support her or my precious granddaughter
It probably seemed uncompassionate to an outsider . . .
But this is also what I did know:
She had lied to me,
stolen from me
used me to obtain her Drug of choice
Her dad (my now ex ah) was also in active addiction (no one else knew he had relapsed at that time - it wasn't mine to tell)
She certainly didn't need to be in that type of environment (heck neither did I)
Our home had been damaged by Hurricane Rita (mold, mildew, etc) it truly wasn't the safest place for the baby.
This was no place for her to find her self-worth, dignity or respect to find her way into a recovery way of life ~ it wasn't going to happen in that home.
That was the healthy compassion I could give her - I told her in the spirit of love - that I loved her and I didn't want to rob her of her dignity to find her own way.
To this day when she shares her story of recovery - she says how much that made her feel better about herself, that someone had respect and confidence in her -when she didn't. She still waivers on her recovery - but so far - she always keeps coming back and keeps doing better each time!
AND I get to continue being a part of her life, with healthy compassion, love and an honest relationship with mutual respect - prior to recovery (mine & hers) we did not have that.
That's what the Al-Anon program helped me to learn~
PINK HUGS to you
Rita
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Laurie, Thanks for sharing your story. Before this past winter break, my father had initially told me that he didn't want my brother to be "home" (at dad's house) for the entire break because it was so much unstructured time in a neighborhood where the old drug buddies were close and available. To help my dad, I was to have BPR stay at my house.
Anyway, BPR was annoyed that he wasn't even asked if he wanted to stay with me and was upset at the idea that my dad didn't want him to be with him for the whole break. The feeling of being abandoned at age 13 when he was sent away to a residential treatment program is still very strong. I tried to explain to him that Dad didn't want him to be near all the temptation of that neighborhood. I also tried to explain that now that our Dad has a new house, with a new "family" (bought a condo with his long time girlfriend), that there really isn't a "home" to go back to anymore. Most college kids do have a home to go back to, and he does just want to be a normal guy his age.
I guess my point is that I think that my father needs to decide when to shut the door before the rest of the family can follow suit.
Anyway, BPR was annoyed that he wasn't even asked if he wanted to stay with me and was upset at the idea that my dad didn't want him to be with him for the whole break. The feeling of being abandoned at age 13 when he was sent away to a residential treatment program is still very strong. I tried to explain to him that Dad didn't want him to be near all the temptation of that neighborhood. I also tried to explain that now that our Dad has a new house, with a new "family" (bought a condo with his long time girlfriend), that there really isn't a "home" to go back to anymore. Most college kids do have a home to go back to, and he does just want to be a normal guy his age.
I guess my point is that I think that my father needs to decide when to shut the door before the rest of the family can follow suit.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Do you have any boundaries about the kind of behavior you will put up with when it comes to your brother? Any boundaries that you are willing to enforce?
There is a great book that may help you called Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beatty which may help you learn more about what healthy behavior is when it comes to dealing with your family. The choices you make are not dependent on what your father, or your brother or the rest of your family does, unless you choose to make it that way.
There is a great book that may help you called Co-Dependent No More by Melanie Beatty which may help you learn more about what healthy behavior is when it comes to dealing with your family. The choices you make are not dependent on what your father, or your brother or the rest of your family does, unless you choose to make it that way.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres
To this day when she shares her story of recovery - she says how much that made her feel better about herself, that someone had respect and confidence in her -when she didn't.
PINK HUGS to you
Rita
PINK HUGS to you
Rita
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((ana))
so glad you are hanging out here and reading the info - hope you will continue to reach out.
I'm sure you have learned as we all have - there is never an easy clear cut answer to all our problems - we just share our experience, strength and hope with each other and ask for guidance for our Higher Power.
PINK HUGS!
Rita
so glad you are hanging out here and reading the info - hope you will continue to reach out.
I'm sure you have learned as we all have - there is never an easy clear cut answer to all our problems - we just share our experience, strength and hope with each other and ask for guidance for our Higher Power.
PINK HUGS!
Rita
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 76
My brother called today to ask me to help him find a job. Normally, I would be enthusiastic about that, but I don't know what he needs money for, except for drugs. He has all his living expenses takeån care of by Dad. He can even buy alcohol on the supermarket gift cards he gets, if he wanted to. While I would love to see him working and independent, I am very worried that the reason he wants money is to get cocaine. I just don't know what to do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
