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Old 11-15-2010, 04:21 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Spiritual Seeker,

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you feel. I cannot imagine. If I could I would stop and quiet the whole world... and you would see the stars weeping with you, feel the ocean waves holding you close, and hear the winds bringing words of comfort and hope to you. I pray in time acceptance will come, as well as blessing, for you and for every other who has lost a precious loved one in this heartbreaking way.

(((HUGS)))
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:00 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker View Post
While my son's sudden death has been infinitely hard, it's harder still to find blessings in it. I'm sure there are some
here when I become willing to see them. In losing so much I have to face my worst fear.
It is loss that I feared most in life.

Travis would want me to face this with the courage he always expected of me.
He gave me no choice but to live with his decision, the risk he took, the choice he made and to accept it.
There is no looking back and there is only looking back.
There is nothing left to do but get on with the grieving.

I can clearly identify what I have lost.
I do understand that the inventory isn't finished until I see what it is that I have left.
At some point I hope to have faith in the life I've given, as unfair
as it might be. When I am ready to look at the rest, maybe life will come back into balance
and I will create the best motherless life I can.

I tried anything and everything I could until the very end to save my son. I know
how hard I tried. How hard he tried.

My son still belongs to me because of the hearts we gave ea. other, the years, the tears the defeats and the victories we shared.

Travis gave me the gifts of love, compassion, understanding, tolerance & patience.
He is a peace now. He deserves it, as we all do.
I never gave up on him, never turned away, never let him go, until he let me go. He couldn't fight the fight any longer,
couldn't cope with the terrible struggle within him.

Love is meant to be shared and pain is meant to be soothed.
Thanks to all of you that offer soothing.
Your words touch me.

On bad days I whimper to myself that I can't do this. But I have to. I can't escape the pain, the loss,
the flood of memories or the missing him unbearably at times.
I must learn to live with it. I want to have days where I think of my son
as someone who lived, not someone who died.

While my son's sudden death has been infinitely hard, it's harder still to find blessings in it. I'm sure there are some
here when I become willing to see them. In losing so much I have to face my worst fear.
It is loss that I feared most in life.
Travis would want me to face this with the courage he always expected of me.
He gave me no choice but to live with his decision, the risk he took, the choice he made and to accept it.


Spiritual Seeker,

The thing that comes to my mind is, Travis would never have wanted this for you. Never.
I hear your pain, sweet one. I hurt for you, and wish I could help you to bear this.
what can we do for you, dear person? my heart is aching for you, and I pray for comfort to come, in the right time.
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:47 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
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Chicory, You're absolutely right.
Travis would not want me to suffer the pain from the whole in my heart
as I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.

Winston Churchill is quoted as saying, "When you're going through hell, keep going"
That is what I'll do, made a little easier with the compassion I get from all of you.
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:53 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry to hear this. My daughter's father is a heroin addict and I brace myself every day for when or if this time comes. Heroin has a horrible grip on alot of people today. I am 22 years old I came from a rural town with few people. Our class of 72 people has had 17 deaths from heroin, 17. All people my age. Never would I have thought when we were playing Red Rover or Jailbreak in my old neighborhood that we would be 17 short of a full team 12 years later. Could never had imagined it would be from something as awful as heroin. This thing is a plague and it jumps where we least expect it. I am sorry for your loss. I can say afer attending several funerals of my classmates that were taken from us soo early that their mothers were just as torn as you are, just as scared and lost. I think that one of the things that was mutaully said was "he was sick, and god was the best to take care of him" Maybe that was his place, with god. To take away the pain and the addiction for him. He is in a better place, and releived of his disease. The mom's of these boys (whom had passed away over the last 2 years) aren't completly healed, but like I said is a small town so they are seen quite often. And slowly but surely you can tell with each day and each run in they are a little better, and you will be too. By no means can anyone say you will be completly over it, because he was your baby, remember the good times his first steps and his first car, just like these kids that passed away I remember running in the dark with flashlights chasing them and playing with side walk chalk in the sun they will always be the Red Rover champion or the fastest kid on the block to me as he will be your little boy, but you will heal as their mothers have too. And with each day wake up and breathe because another will follow and slowly you will be at rest. I do not believe there is anything that anyone can say to mend a heart that has lost a child. I am new here and I trust this is the best place to be. There are arms open in every direction to catch you if you fall. Best wishes and my prayers are with you.
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:08 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry for what you have lost! I, too, fear that the most for my AD. and the fact that I have had to accept that possibility and I cannot do anything about it!

My heart, thought and prayers go out to you. I wish I could just make it go away for you and for all the mother's out there who have to deal with this.

Thank you for sharing your inner most feelings.

Hugs,
Marteen
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:20 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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SS, Sending you love and prayers.


Chris
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:30 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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spiritual seeker - i read through all the posts and then sat here for 10 minutes just looking at the screen praying for words that might bring you some insight or at least comfort - then i tried to put myself in your place and just the imagination of it sent me reeling in agony - i know there is nothing to lessen the pain just know that since the pain cannot be lessened the burden of it is being shared as much as is humanly possible-
i continue to pray for you and all those who have suffered the ultimate loss in this horrible war -
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:58 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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I am so sorry for your loss and for your pain. I really have no other words, just hugs and love and prayers being sent up from mom to mom.
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Old 11-15-2010, 07:59 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker View Post
At some point I hope to have faith in the life I've given, as unfair
as it might be. When I am ready to look at the rest, maybe life will come back into balance
and I will create the best motherless life I can.

On bad days I whimper to myself that I can't do this. But I have to. I can't escape the pain, the loss,
the flood of memories or the missing him unbearably at times.
I must learn to live with it. I want to have days where I think of my son
as someone who lived, not someone who died.

While my son's sudden death has been infinitely hard, it's harder still to find blessings in it. I'm sure there are some
[/B].
SS, you are a victim to what drugs do; drugs steal the lives of the ones we love. This is a profound and personal experience.

What seperates a victim from a survivor (you can't be a survivor without first being victimized)-- is taking the victimization and using this as a tool to empower you-- and to take the seeminly sensless nature of your loss to foster a sense of resilancy and hope to yourself and others.
You have done this.
You are a survivor.
Thank you for the many times that your wisdom brought me clarity and peace.
Bless you for the light you bring to others-- in the midst of your utter pain.
I'm so sorry.
((hugs))-- don't seem nearly enough.
Much love,
Cessy
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Old 11-15-2010, 08:48 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
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It seems healing comes with the ability to let go of what once was
and stop wishing for what use to be.
Easier said than done.

One day I want to be able to focus mainly on the blessing of my child's life.
For now it is still nearly impossible to accept that he is gone.

I needed the support that I am getting today.
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Old 11-15-2010, 09:07 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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((((((SS))))))
I have not yet found the blessing of losing my child...I do believe she has found peace and I am grateful for that, but to find a blessing in the loss...no, and I don't know that i ever will.

I do find comfort though in the blessings of the people who have helped me walk this journey of grief. Without them, I don't know how I would have fared.

When your loss is so raw, those flood of memories are so difficult to deal with...I know i found I wanted to remember each and every second of my daughter's life but at the same time, those memories made the feelings of grief even stronger. Time has helped so that I can celebrate her life rather than mourning her death...Not always, but more often than before.

Sometimes I had to take the grief out, like it was a physical thing, and sit with it for a little while...as much as I could tolerate; then put it away again for a bit. Bit by bit, I would try to work my way through all the many stages and aspects of grieving.

My thoughts and prayers are that the support and concern and love you feel in this thread will wrap around you and help you through the pain.
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Old 11-15-2010, 09:20 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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(((SS))) - I can't even imagine the pain you are in. I'm really glad, though, that you come here and talk about it. None of us can make the hurt go away, but you are dearly loved and I hope that the prayers and hugs we send can bring you a little bit of comfort.

Love, hugs, and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:13 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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<<Hugs>> Spiritual Seeker...I am so sorry you are having to go through this pain. I know he was such a special son...and I know if he could, he would tell you what a special mother you are to him...even now!!! Perhaps thinking of each wave of pain as a hug from him...a reminder of how much he loves you...always...it will bring some measure comfort as you make this journey. Thank you for sharing with us as you walk this road...you are not alone...we want to be the hands that catch you when you need us...!!!!
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Old 11-16-2010, 02:28 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
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I am comforted by the wise, friendly, heartfelt wishes.

" Perhaps thinking of each wave of pain as a hug from him...a reminder of how much he loves you "

What a Grand IDEA....
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Old 11-16-2010, 03:28 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Sending warm hugs and gentle prayers.....
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:23 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Everyone has said what I want to say. I'm so sorry, so so very sorry for your loss., all I can offer is hugs, hugs and more hugs. I'm so sorry., FGB
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Old 11-16-2010, 11:44 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
get it, give it, grow in it
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I appreciate the hugs.

Do whatever " you can do " to get between your loved one and drugs.
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Old 11-17-2010, 06:55 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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(((((SS)))))

Every now and then, I pop in and read the posts. I sit and pray for those that are hurting. It is all that I have to offer. Yesterday, I saw your post and I had to post today to let you know the impact that you have on others lives.

I feel your agony and total heartbreak, yet you still have the ability to speak of it, to expose your heart to the world, to offer words of kindness and support for others. To share your pain and your story. Do you know what that does for so many people? All those mothers out there who can't speak because of the pain that they just can't seem to face, they read what you post and they hold you close in their hearts, they know that pain so well. You speak for them too.

Your words speak to those un-named and faceless addicts that come on here and read anonymously. I'm sure that some have even opened their eyes and thought, OMG, I don't ever want to cause my mom this pain.

When I read "I have to be strong", I cringe and want to yell at someone, that this mother shouldn't have to be strong any more, she's already paid the ultimate price, why should she have to give even more by being strong. Where are our tools to provide comfort when nothing can comfort and take her pain away? It is just so very wrong. I get so angry at my HP for this.

What you have shared with so many people makes you a very special person, a person who carries an unbearable load who continues to take steps forward even when it feels like you will be crushed. The image that I see in my mind, is a very spiritual person carrying a bolder on her shoulders, with her son's spirit right there with her, loving her, crying with her as he helps to try to carry that load, wispering in her ear...it's ok mom, I love you so very much, I never meant to cause you this pain, I will always be here with you mom, just close your eyes and you will feel my presence.

I believe that SS, I truely believe he is right there with you trying to help ease your burden. Wispers of love and encouragement in your ear.

Hugs and prayers
B
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Old 11-17-2010, 07:27 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker View Post
Grieving is an isolated journey.
Oh Spiritual Seeker, my heart bleeds with you.

I lost someone very dear to me to suicide and this one sentence is what I remember thinking so many times myself. Grief is intensely personal and lonely. It is not an emotion that can truly be shared. Your heart is breaking, your world has stopped and yet the world out there seems to continue obliviously. What one can hope for is people to take your hand and keep you from drowning in it.

I feel priviledged that you are sharing your journey with us. May the darkness lift at the right moment and the sun shine upon you again.
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Old 11-17-2010, 11:33 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Oh my.
These responses offer encouragement, understanding, comfort, empathy and hope.

Losing my only child is the 1st time I have experienced the severe blow of death.
Therefore, this is the 1st time I am trying to make sense of it.
I've never been religious or formed an opinion/belief about the "hereafter".
Now I ask, " What does death mean for my son "

There is no way to know if my son can hear any messages that I send him or if
he is " right there with me " . Can I make this leap of faith ? I don't know.
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