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Heroin is a thief

Old 11-15-2010, 02:45 AM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Exclamation Heroin is a thief

9,490 days...that's all we got, not a minute more; My boy is gone.
That's all there will ever be. like gravity or the moon, I thought he'd always be here.
He flew to the city one last time. His relapse started the minute
he bought a drink on the plane.
That first drink was a bullet in the gun's chamber.
There is no recovery from this relapse.
After two years of feverishly working a program,
he bottomed out instantly at death.
He was the prodigal son;
he did return in 2008. But like a firefly...ever so briefly.
One terrible day in June 2010 heaven, earth and hell became one.

I died with my son, Now I must learn to live w/o him.

No Resurrection is possible. My son is a drug casualty.
I'll forever grieve the loss of the life my son was entitled to and
the life I was entitled to with him.
For now I am an observer, not a full participant in this world.
Grieving is an isolated journey.

One day as my pain begins to subside a little, may the restorative power of HOPE return.
Hope that the pain softens, despair lifts and life will be worth living again.

I speak of him as I am the teller of the tale.
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:21 AM
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(((((((((((((((((ss)))))))))))))))))))
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:06 AM
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((((((((((SS)))))))))) I'm so so so sorry.
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Spiritual Seeker View Post
9,490 days...that's all we got, not a minute more; My boy is gone.
That's all there will ever be. like gravity or the moon, I thought he'd always be here.
He flew to the city one last time. His relapse started the minute
he bought a drink on the plane.
That first drink was a bullet in the gun's chamber.
There is no recovery from this relapse.
After two years of feverishly working a program,
he bottomed out instantly at death.
He was the prodigal son;
he did return in 2008. But like a firefly...ever so briefly.
One terrible day in June 2010 heaven, earth and hell became one.

I died with my son, Now I must learn to live w/o him.

No Resurrection is possible. My son is a drug casualty.
I'll forever grieve the loss of the life my son was entitled to and
the life I was entitled to with him.
For now I am an observer, not a full participant in this world.
Grieving is an isolated journey.

One day as my pain begins to subside a little, may the restorative power of HOPE return.
Hope that the pain softens, despair lifts and life will be worth living again.
I speak of him as I am the teller of the tale.


Ss, I hold that hope in my heart for you .
xoxoxo
Chicory
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:48 AM
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Spiritual Seeker,

Please feel my arms wrapped around you in a loving, mother embrace. Your son's absence leaves the world with one less loving soul on board, and leaves a mother in grief when that should not be. Please accept my sincere condolensces, SS. And please stay close and continue to let your grief out here, and in turn, share your healing process with us as well.

I agree with you fully that heroin is a thief. It not only robs sons and daughters and mothers and fathers, but siblings as well. My daughter told me the other day she feels like an only child. It struck me as so terribly sad.

Love, Peaceteach
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:21 AM
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Spiritual Seeker:

As a young woman of 21, my father became a casualty due to his years of alcoholism. He committed suicide with a gun in the basement of the home I grew up in. My mother found him. I cannot imagine what images she had in her brain for the rest of her life. I was not living at home, but I was doing my job at the local police station. That job was answering the phone for police assistance, and I was on duty when my partner took that call from my mother. That very personal event in my life then became the news all over the police station with all its gory details.

I look back and see that I plunged into a pit for years after that. But at that time I did not have any recovery program or connection with God as i understood Him.

Now fast forward to my son and his addiction. I know that I know that I know the reality of the death part of this disease. And I think that colors my interpretation of recovery in general and also in the way that I respond at the 12-step tables and in these forums.

I pray for you in a special way because I know that you are now in the depths of grief even more than when this tragedy first happened. Now all the cards have stopped, people are not asking as much how you are doing, and you are stark raving alone in all of this. I had a co-worker send me a "thinking of you" card months and months after my father died, and even now I am choking up at how that meant more to me than the cards and condolences that came at the very beginning.

This is a big one to come to grips with, this you know. Please know that you are not journeying this one without those around you who have been where you are at. It took a dear friend of mine (who lost her young daughter to cancer) over a year to get to where she could drive to and from work without sobbing in the car the whole time. Yours has the added depth of this being your one child. That does not go unnoticed or unforgotten by me.

Sojourner
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:41 AM
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All I know to do is send up some special prayers for you today. Your heart is broken, shattered really. Addiction is a thief. It steals our children and it steals our hearts. May God guide you through your journey.

Gotahavfaith
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Old 11-15-2010, 05:49 AM
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Grieving is an isolated journey.
Although most of us cannot possibly understand your deep pain, please know that we love you and walk with you on this journey.

Big hugs from the heart of one mama to another.
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Old 11-15-2010, 06:45 AM
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Thumbs down

SS,
I am holding onto hope also. One relapse with heroin left Sean dead on a cold bathroom floor i have to face every day without him. You are not alone in this. Heroin is a killer.
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Old 11-15-2010, 08:19 AM
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Originally Posted by sojourner View Post
I pray for you in a special way because I know that you are now in the depths of grief even more than when this tragedy first happened. Sojourner
((((Spiritual)))) I always search for your posts.... You have helped me so much... to find some kind of peace in this insanity.

with love,
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Old 11-15-2010, 08:55 AM
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Hey
I'm sitting here with tears running down my face. Your post touched me so deeply. The reality of losing Travis is sinking in.....and your pain is being felt full throttle. I wish that I could take and carry some of that pain for you but I know that it is not possible....I just wish it was.

All of the mother's here on SR realize that we could be walking in your shoes......and some are already walking the path. Where you are paralyzed with grief, those of us who have children in active addiction (or even in recovery) are often paralyzed with fear.

You remind me (daily because I think of you every single day) that regardless of whether my dear son is using or not using........I should thank God that he is alive....just for today......

Heroin is a thief......drugs are a thief.......even if we don't lose our loved ones to death, we lose them to this disease.

I know how very thankful you are for those two years that Travis was clean and sober. I promise (for you and for myself) that I will be thankful for each and every day that "S" is sober. This is the gift that you have given me......you have taught me how important it is to live and love for today.

gentle gentle gentle hugs for you today, tomorrow and every single day
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Old 11-15-2010, 09:18 AM
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I send you my love.

xoxo
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Old 11-15-2010, 09:52 AM
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Nothing I could say would help you wish it could but I know better. . Your right about heroin. It took your son an may take others sons, daughters, parents from people on this board. It's a fear we live with everyday.
If only there was some way to get the word out to stop it from taking new victims. There has to be a way to stop people from using that first time. Not just heroin but all drugs.
I pray that some how some way you find comfort from your pain.
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:36 AM
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I'm so sorry for your horrific loss. My heart goes out to you and, while I feel sympathy, I can't understand completely your pain.

And I'm so scared. I don't want to join you in this club.

Thank you for your continued insight, guidance, and support. I pray for the peace and healing that will allow you to feel joy once again. And I pray for that day of hope.
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Old 11-15-2010, 10:51 AM
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I pray that your heart will be healed, SS.
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Old 11-15-2010, 11:55 AM
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I am so sorry you have to feel the pain of losing your son over and over again. I really appreciate that you are sharing with us. I always have that fear hanging around my neck. I just have to keep reminding myself that my AD isn't mine to keep. I will love her always and cherish the time I have with her. I'm so glad I have been enlightened by her pain and the pain all of you are experiencing. Just wish it didn't have to hurt so much.
Hugs
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Old 11-15-2010, 11:57 AM
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While my son's sudden death has been infinitely hard, it's harder still to find blessings in it. I'm sure there are some
here when I become willing to see them. In losing so much I have to face my worst fear.
It is loss that I feared most in life.

Travis would want me to face this with the courage he always expected of me.
He gave me no choice but to live with his decision, the risk he took, the choice he made and to accept it.
There is no looking back and there is only looking back.
There is nothing left to do but get on with the grieving.

I can clearly identify what I have lost.
I do understand that the inventory isn't finished until I see what it is that I have left.
At some point I hope to have faith in the life I've given, as unfair
as it might be. When I am ready to look at the rest, maybe life will come back into balance
and I will create the best motherless life I can.

I tried anything and everything I could until the very end to save my son. I know
how hard I tried. How hard he tried.

My son still belongs to me because of the hearts we gave ea. other, the years, the tears the defeats and the victories we shared.

Travis gave me the gifts of love, compassion, understanding, tolerance & patience.
He is a peace now. He deserves it, as we all do.
I never gave up on him, never turned away, never let him go, until he let me go. He couldn't fight the fight any longer,
couldn't cope with the terrible struggle within him.

Love is meant to be shared and pain is meant to be soothed.
Thanks to all of you that offer soothing.
Your words touch me.

On bad days I whimper to myself that I can't do this. But I have to. I can't escape the pain, the loss,
the flood of memories or the missing him unbearably at times.
I must learn to live with it. I want to have days where I think of my son
as someone who lived, not someone who died.

While my son's sudden death has been infinitely hard, it's harder still to find blessings in it. I'm sure there are some
here when I become willing to see them. In losing so much I have to face my worst fear.
It is loss that I feared most in life.
Travis would want me to face this with the courage he always expected of me.
He gave me no choice but to live with his decision, the risk he took, the choice he made and to accept it.
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Old 11-15-2010, 12:26 PM
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have read your posts alot and you have helped me tremendously. You someday can help others walk in the difficult shoes. You can let others know that no matter how hard they try they cannot save them. You know you did everything you could and your son knew that you loved him very much. I am oneday waiting for this same information. I have 4 immediate family members that are heroin addicts. 2 on methadone, 1 in jail and 1 in detox. I know it is hearing how you got through it and others that will help me day by day walk this earth and not be filled with fear.

Lots of love and a big hug.
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Old 11-15-2010, 03:37 PM
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All of the mother's here on SR realize that we could be walking in your shoes......and some are already walking the path. Where you are paralyzed with grief, those of us who have children in active addiction (or even in recovery) are often paralyzed with fear.

You remind me (daily because I think of you every single day) that regardless of whether my dear son is using or not using........I should thank God that he is alive....just for today......
Spiritual Seeker,

My son is 29, had a few years sober, went back to college and was really making progress. Then, he started to drink and drink and drink. He called the gf he used to use with and picked up again. He went to jail within a month, and so he is still alive.

I copied what Kindeyes said, because your story (which I started to know last year when I joined) reminded me of mine. I was still so hopeful he would become what I wanted him to be, a brilliant successful young man. I was stuck in the fantasy of what could be instead of what is. If there were anything to come from your young son's death, it would be I have learned that heroin removes these fantasies. Not the hope, but the fantasy of my perfect son living a perfect life.
The sharing of your grief and pain reminds me there are no fantasies to be fulfilled. Just a life to be lived. Moment to moment, because that is all we have.
I hope I have expressed this well, because I certainly don't want to hurt you.

Thank you for helping me learn how to be with what is, instead of what I want.

Beth
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Old 11-15-2010, 04:19 PM
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I'm sending you much love, prayers, and positivity. I am deeply sorry for your incredible loss.

Heroin is a killer. It's a killer of all things beautiful and a taker of innocent lives.
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