cece1960

(((SS)))
Sending you the strength to make sense of the senseless. My heart hurts for you every single day.

I hope you can make the leap of faith...

Kindeyes

SS
After my Dad died, I would go outside at night and find the brightest star in the sky. I would talk to it.....I figured that the brightest star I could find had to be my Dad because he would shine that brightly for me.

They say that the universe is growing....it's getting bigger. I think it's because it needs more room to hold more stars.

There is tremendous peace in taking that leap of faith.

gentle hugs

marteen

(((((((SS)))))))

I haven't been able to get your thread out of my mind since I came here the other day. Coming back after being gone so long and hearing you open up to the loss of your only child just breaks my heart.

I have lost too many close family and friends to death and have felt that their lives have been cheated and mine, also. I've lost my mom when I was 15, my two brothers and only siblings in a single car accident, two sister-in-laws shortly after that, a close friend, several close aunts and uncles and my dad. It never gets easier but I have certainly realized that our HP takes the decision out of our hands and we have no control. We, who are left behind, suffer the loss tremendously but those who pass on do, I believe, have eternal peace.

Yet, when I think of the possibility of losing my AD to drugs, it scares me to death. And the thought of my little granddaughter losing her mother is so hard to think about. I think the loss of "what could have been" makes it so hard and I'm sure you must go through your own hell with that. But I have no control and I can't stop what may happen. It is out of my hands. I still know that if it did, I would be so ill-prepared for it.

I wish I could stop the hurt my AD must endure using the drugs and she can't stop. It has to be such an awful existence to realize what you have done with your life and you are powerless to stop. She must feel so bad at the hurt she causes us and especially her own daughter. I know her hell would end but I know that I would still be unprepared no matter how logical I try to make it.

My heart aches for you and I wish I could just wrap you in my arms in a big hug. I am so, so sorry for your loss and pain!

Hugs,
Marteen

Spiritual Seeker

Marteen- it made me smile to see the horses on your thread.
In the last two yrs. of my son's life he got acquainted w/ horses for the 1st time.
He lived on a ranch, lived on a thoroughbred breeding farm, earned a certificate in stable management and volunteered taking disabled adults riding.

Angelic17

SpiritualSeeker, I'm deeply saddened and sorry for the loss of Travis. Heroin is a thief. It's the worst garbage on the planet. It's a killer. It's robbed me of my big brother, and my niece of her daddy.I hate it with passion. Life is cruel and torturously painful at times. Every mother of an addict knows that. Losing your only child is the ultimate pain and heartache. It's worse than anything else in the world. Nothing can be more devastating. Especially for a mother. There is nothing worse. Your heart has been torn apart, trampled on, and stuffed back into your chest. Never to be the same again. Your life is forever changed due to the loss of Travis.

Our children are part of us, and when they hurt, we hurt. When they die, we die with them. Even though you are still here, part of you is gone too. The biggest part of you. The truth is that we love our children more than we could ever love ourselves. The bottom line is that life isn't fair. Its devastatingly unfair to say the least. There are no words to comfort a grieving mother. None. Silence is better than some of the stupid things people say, in an attempt to show empathy. Nothing can take that pain out of your heart. There's just a big void, and an unending ache in the spot that belongs to Travis. The joy that you felt for him, is now replaced with grief and sorrow. Hang on to all of your precious memories of your beautiful child. Remember the joy of being his mom. Put all of his pictures around, and remember that he will always be your son. ALWAYS. He is yours into eternity. Forever and ever. You are Travis's mom infinitely. Nothing can change that. Not even his death can change that. He was here because you gave him life. He's a part of you. Nothing can change the fact that you are his mother. You always will be.

You are the most beautiful, remarkably incredible woman, I have ever had the honor to know. You have helped me as the mother of an addict, to face my own fears, and to live in the day. You helped me to enjoy my addict son, for today. Because you know that I fear what your living. You and I both know, that even though my son is clean, that things can change in a second. I admire you more than you know. Not because you lost your son, and your hurting. I don't admire your pain. I hurt right along with you. I admire you for who you are as a person. How you deal with the rotten hand that life has dealt you. I admire your intelligence, strength, and caring heart. How you've reached out to me and so many others. Your courage has made me stop whining and saying poor me. Knowing what your dealing with, and the way you handle it, makes me realize that I'm a wimp. It's your pain that put us together here on this site. But it's your kindness and friendship that makes me like and love you.

My prayer is for you to realize that even though your suffering with grief and despair right now, that your life is still so valuable. Not only to me,( but by the looks of the replies you've gotten), to everyone here. All of these posts have touched my heart. They are so beautiful, and heartfelt. I cried reading them. My prayer is that you once again, find the happiness and peace that you deserve. Travis wouldn't want you sad and suffering. Your son loves you and would want you to enjoy your life. I hope that you find healing and comfort in time. I hope that the place in your heart that belongs to Travis, will feel joy and happiness again. Replace that pain, with all of the beautiful memories from Travis's life. Celebrate his life. Even though you must grieve. He was here for 26 years. That's alot of love to remember. My faith has taught me that you will see your son again. Heaven is where we will meet our loved ones who have died. LOVE NEVER ENDS. You will always love your son, and he will always love you. ♥♥♥ That love will never die. ♥♥♥((((((((((((((((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))))))) ))))))) ♥♥♥

outonalimb

((((((((((((((((SS))))))))))))))))))))))))

I haven't been here in a long time. I logged on this morning to find your post and my heart absolutely sank. I am so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my prayers this morning. Your son is at peace...finally...in the arms of our loving father. I pray that He will comfort you, give you strength, and one day, bring you peace.

I lost my brother to a heroin overdose 5 years ago.
Heroin destroyed my marriage.
It is pure evil.
I join you in hating that damn drug today.
But I join you in loving your son and all those who have fallen into it's grasp.

Hugs and prayers and heartfelt sympathy from one mom to another...

Mary

Spiritual Seeker

I am experiencing strong emotional responses when I am out noticing the beauty of nature ( a sunset, a stream in the forest, the ocean, etc.)
I often have to look away and as I'm brought to tears.
It is hard to comprehend the beauty of the world without my son in it.
Moving forward in a world without my son is a laborious agonizing process.

Outonalimb- your words and the quote in your post are encouraging as I continue to struggle.

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the
life that is waiting for us. "

Done_With_It

My heart goes out to you, I've come back to this thread many times I am as well as everyone else is walking this road with you. I lit a candle for you and Travis yesterday and put them on the fireplace mantel.

I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through, I wish we could take it away some how.
Lots of Love and Light Your Way...

litehorse

spiritual seeker - each day that dawns will bring the renewed realization of your loss but it also brings God's mercies anew - i continue to pray for you as you grow through your grief - again i wish there were words that would truely help - please know that your willingness to press into this pain gives the rest of us such strength to face our own battles - thank you so much for allowing us the priviledge of walking along with you and offering some help with your burden

Spiritual Seeker

I am moved as I come on here late tonight.
THANK YOU !!!!!!!

litehorse

Spiritual Seeker - my middle son, who is 30 married with 2 children, told me yesterday that he is moving to san diego - he is the "preacher man" of my 3 sons whom i refer to as "the saint, the sinner and the preacher man" - that is 3000 miles away from me and it hit me like a ton of bricks - my "saint" and his wife live in tennessee - and my "sinner" AS is in jail here in ga. - tears came and i just felt overwhelmed that i would be left so "alone" - when i came here and read through this thread again to catch up on the thoughts of others as they encouraged you i noticed again that you are on the california coast - i do not feel 3000 miles away from you - i can easily imagine you gracefully making your way through your days looking for strength and comfort to deal with your loss - it is comforting to me to know there is such a gracious person "out there" even though the chances of you and my son crossing paths is astronomically great - thank you for being you ( i hope you do not mind me sharing this with you )

persistent

I am sooo sorry for your lost.You are in my prayers.

Angelic17

SS, I have heard the expression that your sorrow makes you a better person. I must have heard it a million times. I know that I have been through alot of pain and suffering, in my life, but it's nothing at all compared to yours. So, my point is, You are a beautiful and good person. The BEST. You are intelligent, and I appreciate the fact that you are able to share your grief with me. I feel honored to be your friend. Even though I feel frustrated and helpless, because I can't change this for you, I feel blessed to know you. I admire you as a mom, a woman, a friend. I'm so sad for you, and I think about you every single day. I know Thanksgiving was really difficult for you. I don't have any words to say, I'm just right here with you. :ghug3

Spiritual Seeker

I had the fear we parents have when our child is an addict.
Now I have fear of feeling sadness and grief for the rest of my life.

I fear it will remain strong – and if I fear my ability to cope with it.
What is it going to do to me in the long run?
Can I move forward and thrive ?

Something inside of me must be stronger than the pain and hang on to what's left.

litehorse

ss- many refer to a "higher power" here - i know that higher power as God - but however that concept is interpreted in your heart please focus on the "higher" part - as humans we are vulverable and powerless - that is why we need a power beyond our own - when i read your words i feel the heaviness of heart you feel and i am so sorry for your grief - my prayers will continue for you - keep treasuring memories of Travis -

Sunshine2

SS, the sadness and grief will get better with enough time. The pain will always be there, but you will get to a stage where you will have to make an effort to take it out of your heart to feel it again.

The days will return where you will laugh and appreciate what is around you. The days wil also return where you will be able to think and talk about your son with love and you will suddenly realise it was love without pain.

You are so much in my thoughts and prayers.

chicory

Hello SS,

I have been thinking of you .


I believe SS, that you are going to find strength, and purpose, and that it is going to come at the right time. Of course, the purpose is already there, but will you take hold of it again? Yes, I believe you will. And the beauty of Travis life is going to shine, through you. It already has touched many, and a part of Travis is still here, in you. I know that does not lessen the pain of the loss of Travis' life here on earth. Nothing can or should take that away- his life was very valuable and precious.
I am thinking of you, dear lady, and I keep you in my prayers. sending wishes for strength and comfort for your heart.
xoxoxo
chicory

Angelic17

SS, I have learned over time that fear is not real. We are fearing what hasn't happened yet. One thing I know about loss and pain, is when we are going through it, it feels like it's never going to end. But looking back on some of the serious losses in my life, Which are a baby, my mom, and my brother, I now realize that in time it does become much more bearable. I wouldn't have been able to see that while I was going through the loss, but a few years later, I can look back and honestly say that it's gotten a bit easier. Don't get me wrong. I still miss my mom and brother. I will always wonder about that child that I lost. If it was a boy or a girl, or what he/she would be like now.

Our hearts heal. It takes time. Losing a child is the worst pain, and the toughest. Your suffering with a brand new hole in your heart. You will never get over it, and you will always love and miss Travis, but you will be able to get through the rest of your life with good memories of your son. You will feel joy and happiness again. I know it's hard to see that now, but it will come again. Remember, Travis didn't want you to suffer. He loves you. He went back to drugs because of addiction. Never dreaming he would hurt you this badly. Never dreaming he might die. At 26 yrs old,you think your undestructible. I remember feeling like that at that age. By the looks of Travis's gorgeous face, I know that he didn't have a mean bone in his body. Allow yourself this time to feel the grief and pain. Give yourself a chance to walk through it slowly. Let in the love and compassion from anyone who wants to be there for you. It's alright. You cannot heal until you face the pain and grieve the loss. Grieving doesn't make you a weak person. Your a MOM. Plain and simple, you know what it is to love someone so much more than yourself. That's a MOM. It would be unnatural for you to feel happy right now. It's not possible. After reading this thread I am overwhelmed with the responses you have gotten. It makes me smile to see all of the people who are here for you. With beautiful words of support. My mother always taught me to look for the good, in really painful times, and bad situations. Give yourself a chance.
You should check out some grief counseling groups. So many other mothers suffer the same pain. It's so sad. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a precious child. I know alot of us moms think we understand, but another mother who is suffering the same loss will really be able to relate to you. I keep praying for you.

Spiritual Seeker

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 6 month Angel-Versary
This week is the 6 mo. marker of Travis' death.

My ability to live without him is being tested.

litehorse

Prayers for you Spiritual Seeker - prayers for comfort and strength - please continue to reach out - so many are willing to help you carry this burden - i know there is only so much we can do - wish it could be more -