another baby step
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
another baby step
i don't evenknow how to word all of this. but i'll do my best without going into too much detail.
i did something i am kind of proud of this weekend. she asked if she could stay with me sunday and i said i was not comfortable with that. i did buy her a couple of things so she could be warm though, so one step forward-one back i guess. but the step forward feel bigger to me than the step back so in the end i feel i gained a little ground.
she called me later that day to say she's back at a motel room for the week. again, i wont go into the details. she says she is still going to the clinc, but is still using until the doseage is increased to where she wont have to use. i am not even touching on that really, i am not convinced of her conviction to quit. i do not feel that all so powerful lure to her as i did. i feel i have much more separation. i'm not saying i am there, far from it, but just better than i was.
i dont feel pulled back into it 100%, but i do still feel some bond or freindship toward her. i have to try to resist certain things, but i am getting better even though i am far from perfect. i am not looking at this as the fairy tale relationship, but still trying to balance being there as a friend. i still cant seem to detach completetly and do 100% no contact. but as with everything, i am staying optimistic about me and my strength and time healing all.
i did something i am kind of proud of this weekend. she asked if she could stay with me sunday and i said i was not comfortable with that. i did buy her a couple of things so she could be warm though, so one step forward-one back i guess. but the step forward feel bigger to me than the step back so in the end i feel i gained a little ground.
she called me later that day to say she's back at a motel room for the week. again, i wont go into the details. she says she is still going to the clinc, but is still using until the doseage is increased to where she wont have to use. i am not even touching on that really, i am not convinced of her conviction to quit. i do not feel that all so powerful lure to her as i did. i feel i have much more separation. i'm not saying i am there, far from it, but just better than i was.
i dont feel pulled back into it 100%, but i do still feel some bond or freindship toward her. i have to try to resist certain things, but i am getting better even though i am far from perfect. i am not looking at this as the fairy tale relationship, but still trying to balance being there as a friend. i still cant seem to detach completetly and do 100% no contact. but as with everything, i am staying optimistic about me and my strength and time healing all.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I'm not sure what her drug of choice is but I thought you had mentioned it was crack. I swear I thought methadone was only for opiates. It won't help with crack addiction, I maybe wrong on that and not trying to give out medical advice but I am a bit confused.
Anyhoo, good for you on sticking to your boundary. She can't wreak chaos on you when she's NOT living in your haven. That is a good.
Anyhoo, good for you on sticking to your boundary. She can't wreak chaos on you when she's NOT living in your haven. That is a good.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 138
Good luck Steve!! I thought I was strong enough, detached enough, smart enough to "stay friends" because of the caring person that I am ; )........but I wasnt..not at all! I easily slid back into girlfriend mode and yes that is what I wanted even though I lied to myself and everyone else. I wanted him to change for me, because I wanted what he could give me, you know affection, adoration, super romantic love! But I took these things at a price! I sacraficed a lot, including my own self respect and ended up with nothing anyway!!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
meditation,
my DOC has always been alcohol. I just asked my 18 year old daughter about using methadone for crack. She laughed very loud and hard.
she said they are the opposite drug.
steve, please consider no contact. she is not living in the real world.
Beth
my DOC has always been alcohol. I just asked my 18 year old daughter about using methadone for crack. She laughed very loud and hard.
she said they are the opposite drug.
steve, please consider no contact. she is not living in the real world.
Beth
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
I still agree with WICKED...the reason being...is she knows HOW to bring you down, and play the poor me....
Christmas is coming...its gonna be tough...now what? please go to AL ANON...
Christmas is coming...its gonna be tough...now what? please go to AL ANON...
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((((Steve)))) - I know this has nothing to do with your post, but I've recently been given the "pleasure" of walking on a treadmill. It's not as easy as I thought. I'd walked at the park, but one mile on this treadmill leaves me hot, sweaty, and feeling as though I've run a marathon.
I'm okay with this. I've been working my addiction and codie recoveries enough to realize that "baby steps" are sometimes what it takes. I will say, just for me, that the codie recovery has been way harder than the addiction recovery. I can NOT do crack....I cannot NOT do people. I think I was born a codie, and I've accepted that.
I think I will go against most people, here, but I honestly don't think we "get it' until we"get it". When the pain of staying in the relationship, whether it be bf/gf or friends, I just don't think we get there.
I think you're making progress. Those of us who have been in similar relationships want to save you from the pain we've gone through. I had people who tried, desperately, to realize I was 'worth more than this" but I couldn't see it.
Keep taking those baby steps, sweetie. Listen to those of us who have "been there, done that" but know....it's not until you feel it, in your gut, that it's a done deal.
You WILL get there, I promise. I wish SR had been around when I was going through my first XABF relationship. I just KNEW, we were different, that my love would make all the difference. It didn't happen, and I went on to 2 other dysfunctional relationships and my own addiction.
We get it when we get it. I, honestly believe you are trying, and that's a good thing
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I'm okay with this. I've been working my addiction and codie recoveries enough to realize that "baby steps" are sometimes what it takes. I will say, just for me, that the codie recovery has been way harder than the addiction recovery. I can NOT do crack....I cannot NOT do people. I think I was born a codie, and I've accepted that.
I think I will go against most people, here, but I honestly don't think we "get it' until we"get it". When the pain of staying in the relationship, whether it be bf/gf or friends, I just don't think we get there.
I think you're making progress. Those of us who have been in similar relationships want to save you from the pain we've gone through. I had people who tried, desperately, to realize I was 'worth more than this" but I couldn't see it.
Keep taking those baby steps, sweetie. Listen to those of us who have "been there, done that" but know....it's not until you feel it, in your gut, that it's a done deal.
You WILL get there, I promise. I wish SR had been around when I was going through my first XABF relationship. I just KNEW, we were different, that my love would make all the difference. It didn't happen, and I went on to 2 other dysfunctional relationships and my own addiction.
We get it when we get it. I, honestly believe you are trying, and that's a good thing
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
hi-
no, methadone is not for crack, it is for heroin. those are both her doc. what she had said was once she was on the methadone before for heroin, it ended up helping her stop crack too, that she lost the desire to get high. i think that lasted nearly a year.
i don't know how strong i actually am to remain friends, but at the same time i don't know how strong i am to go no contact.
i do beleive that we get there when we get there, when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. some people can do it overnight, some take years and years. i think the hardest thing i am having to deal with is that her words may just be words. i guess i still want to believe some things even thought i do not beleive it in my heart. i really dont know. i do know that i am more peaceful the further away i am.
no, methadone is not for crack, it is for heroin. those are both her doc. what she had said was once she was on the methadone before for heroin, it ended up helping her stop crack too, that she lost the desire to get high. i think that lasted nearly a year.
i don't know how strong i actually am to remain friends, but at the same time i don't know how strong i am to go no contact.
i do beleive that we get there when we get there, when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving. some people can do it overnight, some take years and years. i think the hardest thing i am having to deal with is that her words may just be words. i guess i still want to believe some things even thought i do not beleive it in my heart. i really dont know. i do know that i am more peaceful the further away i am.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
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i guess i really don't even know where i am at with all this. it is that feeling i had a few weeks ago about feeling numb. i have no feelings. i just can't seem to go in either direction. again i try to look at it optimistically, that when the time is right inside me i will move either way. maybe it is normal to have these limbo periods. just because i have not closed the door, does not mean i am happy where i am. i cannot say that i am ready for that big step yet, but i at least feel i know what the consequences would be if i went in the other direction. i feel that last week, this week, and next week are all good indicators as to what is transpiring. last week there was talk about "recovery" but the actions have not quite followed. this week is supposed to be the dosage increase and next week i'll see if there are any changes.
i am not trying to figure things out or understand what is going on. i am trying to keep an eye on myself. i found a coda meeting in my area i am going to check out friday.
i have had this song in my head for a few days, its written by jerry garcia, here's a couple of verses:
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says "Don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
only love can fill.
Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can't see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind And I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.
From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.
i am not trying to figure things out or understand what is going on. i am trying to keep an eye on myself. i found a coda meeting in my area i am going to check out friday.
i have had this song in my head for a few days, its written by jerry garcia, here's a couple of verses:
Comes a time when the blind-man takes your hand, says "Don't you see?
Gotta make it somehow on the dreams you still believe."
Don't give it up, you got an empty cup only love can fill,
only love can fill.
Been walking all morning went walking all night
I can't see much difference between the dark and light
And I feel the wind And I taste the rain
Never in my mind to cause so much pain.
From day to day just letting it ride.
You get so far away from how it feels inside.
You can't let go cause you're afraid to fall,
But the day may come when you can't feel at all.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
"this week is supposed to be the dosage increase and next week i'll see if there are any changes" tell me that we still have some work to do Steve.
Trying to control the outcome of the addict is still trying to control.
The weather here in Califrornia was nice today, the sun was out!
Maybe the ABF saw it, maybe he didn't but who cares. I saw it. If he did, awesome but I know I couldn't force him to see it, call the rehab place and ask if he saw it or tell him to see it. Can't predict if he will see it next week, heck I can't even predict if the sun will even come out next week.
All I know is if I spent my time doing that then I wouldnt have enjoyed the nice sunny day for myself.
You will get to that point someday...
Go frolic in the sun Steve!!!!
Trying to control the outcome of the addict is still trying to control.
The weather here in Califrornia was nice today, the sun was out!
Maybe the ABF saw it, maybe he didn't but who cares. I saw it. If he did, awesome but I know I couldn't force him to see it, call the rehab place and ask if he saw it or tell him to see it. Can't predict if he will see it next week, heck I can't even predict if the sun will even come out next week.
All I know is if I spent my time doing that then I wouldnt have enjoyed the nice sunny day for myself.
You will get to that point someday...
Go frolic in the sun Steve!!!!
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I dont know if this will make any sense and is a little off topic.
I think alot of people just cant change because they just dont want to, cant or need to, 'until its all too late'.
I remember my ex - ok, the short of it. Relationship going bad over many years, did the counselling thing, small children, etc.home, car blah blah. I was very unhappy, he wasnt, it seemed to me that he could just plod along happily doing what he wanted and continously tell me he would try to change to address my needs. Anyway, after years of this promising, I came to the conclusion that he would never change. It simply was who he was. Fed up with all the games, I left him, kids and all.
Only then, did he pay attention, beg me and try to convince me he wouldnt be so selfish. Too late!
My point is, we can spend years trying to figure someone or stuff out, giving them many chances and hold on thread by thread hoping they will change. But the reality is, actions speak louder than words. If there is no action, it simply means nothing else is happening.
JJ
I think alot of people just cant change because they just dont want to, cant or need to, 'until its all too late'.
I remember my ex - ok, the short of it. Relationship going bad over many years, did the counselling thing, small children, etc.home, car blah blah. I was very unhappy, he wasnt, it seemed to me that he could just plod along happily doing what he wanted and continously tell me he would try to change to address my needs. Anyway, after years of this promising, I came to the conclusion that he would never change. It simply was who he was. Fed up with all the games, I left him, kids and all.
Only then, did he pay attention, beg me and try to convince me he wouldnt be so selfish. Too late!
My point is, we can spend years trying to figure someone or stuff out, giving them many chances and hold on thread by thread hoping they will change. But the reality is, actions speak louder than words. If there is no action, it simply means nothing else is happening.
JJ
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