how do you "let go" of anger?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
how do you "let go" of anger?
I have to say this one is a doozy for me. Letting go implies..getting rid of..like it never comes back. I THINK I let things go, but then( lets say my little rascal of a RAD) does something ELSE and all that old stuff comes up. Apparently not gone, still down in there.
i just wrote the snottiest,most sarcastic letter to her/our therapist.No, really I mean it's almost a work of art. I get oddly proud when I am tearing people up when in one of my rage filled pity parties..which still happen with alarming frequency. i'm sure I have removed all doubt about where my precious little muffin gets her nastiness.But i digress.
I was talking w/ another alanoner who said she's written letters to her dead dad, read it to an empty chair, etc. been in ACOA,,blahblah..still gets mad about her dad when a trigger comes along.
So..maybe it's not even a realistic goal..letting go of anger..thoughts please.
P.S.Yes I know anger releases cotisol which flood my body with poison..my sponsor tells me this all the time...it just makes me mad!
i just wrote the snottiest,most sarcastic letter to her/our therapist.No, really I mean it's almost a work of art. I get oddly proud when I am tearing people up when in one of my rage filled pity parties..which still happen with alarming frequency. i'm sure I have removed all doubt about where my precious little muffin gets her nastiness.But i digress.
I was talking w/ another alanoner who said she's written letters to her dead dad, read it to an empty chair, etc. been in ACOA,,blahblah..still gets mad about her dad when a trigger comes along.
So..maybe it's not even a realistic goal..letting go of anger..thoughts please.
P.S.Yes I know anger releases cotisol which flood my body with poison..my sponsor tells me this all the time...it just makes me mad!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
There are some things that I figure I will always get angry about ...but the anger isn't haunting me around and bothering me unless I start thinking about specific things.
I know that someone will say that forgiveness takes care of it...but I don't think they are mutually esclusive.
I know that someone will say that forgiveness takes care of it...but I don't think they are mutually esclusive.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I have suffered from anger problems on and off for years. It started when I was a child living in the home of an alcoholic party girl.
Somehow, I realized that if I let my sense of humor take over, I could overcome my anger for awhile. Could be years before anger took over yet again. I've learned to hop back on the humor train and work myself out of it.
I have been to therapy and all the therapists didn't think I had an anger problem, they all idenitified me as being stoic and not very emotional.
I know I do have an anger issues, yet, I can now deal with them.
Been there, I do understand what you are going through.
Somehow, I realized that if I let my sense of humor take over, I could overcome my anger for awhile. Could be years before anger took over yet again. I've learned to hop back on the humor train and work myself out of it.
I have been to therapy and all the therapists didn't think I had an anger problem, they all idenitified me as being stoic and not very emotional.
I know I do have an anger issues, yet, I can now deal with them.
Been there, I do understand what you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
thats still a problem for me as well, little better though,but still pops up. exp.
with any situation with AH or having to do with the addiction. What I have learned though is not to react quickly. in my head I do,but I dont throw myself out there with anger. I take a break, think it out and rethink it and rethink it. I find giving it time gives me less anger and I can answer in a civil way or not answer at all, give it no attention,let it go. I know its difficult though cause we are hurt so much and so deep.
my SIL once said to me, dont retaliate (thats anger) cause they will continue to do the same, so I ask myself am I retaliating out of anger or wait it out and respond in control.
with any situation with AH or having to do with the addiction. What I have learned though is not to react quickly. in my head I do,but I dont throw myself out there with anger. I take a break, think it out and rethink it and rethink it. I find giving it time gives me less anger and I can answer in a civil way or not answer at all, give it no attention,let it go. I know its difficult though cause we are hurt so much and so deep.
my SIL once said to me, dont retaliate (thats anger) cause they will continue to do the same, so I ask myself am I retaliating out of anger or wait it out and respond in control.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Exactly where my HP wants me to be
Posts: 136
Anger, to me, is often a manifestation of normal grief. When you are injured or suffer a loss you go through the kubler-Ross stages of grief. You don't always do it in order and sometimes people get stuck in anger..... Just some food for thought. Sometimes it is natural to be angry, just don't get stuck in angry. Kwim? Right now, I am trying to put down the resentment I have for someone who did something really really terrible to my family. It is not easy, and it seems that the bigger the injury the harder it gets.
Anyway, the other thing I try to think about anger/resentment is that being persistently angry is a way of taking issue with the hand we've been dealt by the HP. The seemingly rotten things that happen to good people, many times through no fault of their own, often don't make sense to us because we are not the HP in full possession of God's master plan - when it doesn't make sense we naturally question why. Too many questions speak to a lack of faith and an unwillingness to turn it over to the HP. See step 3.
One last thing, I met a woman who wisely said "God answers all prayers, sometimes he says 'no'". That phrase alone has brought me a great deal of peace in the years since I heard it.
Anyway, the other thing I try to think about anger/resentment is that being persistently angry is a way of taking issue with the hand we've been dealt by the HP. The seemingly rotten things that happen to good people, many times through no fault of their own, often don't make sense to us because we are not the HP in full possession of God's master plan - when it doesn't make sense we naturally question why. Too many questions speak to a lack of faith and an unwillingness to turn it over to the HP. See step 3.
One last thing, I met a woman who wisely said "God answers all prayers, sometimes he says 'no'". That phrase alone has brought me a great deal of peace in the years since I heard it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,915
Many times anger comes from misplaced expectations. Perhaps you have expectations that she is not meeting. Maybe a little break might be in order to allow you time to reel back any expectations you may have. Her recovery is her own and you don't have to be involved to the point of allowing it to cause you to feel anger. Just a thought.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
In the not so distant past, I was the Princess of Pissed Off. It's not a pretty kingdom.....I'm not talking the yelling, screaming, raving kind of Princess....I'm talking the hold-it-in-and-let-it-fester kind of Princess who allowed her anger to grow into a big pus filled toxic sewer of resentment.
I have willingly given up my crown (although I probably still have some of the jewels tucked away and I have forgotten that I put them there). I didn't like that kingdom anyway. And I hope I never go back (I let my horse go back so I don't have a ride now,,,,,I'm hoping that keeps me in the Kingdom of Warmandfuzzy...where I am now).
The end (I hope)
gentle hugs
Ok.....the truth is my therapist has really helped me move out of anger mode.
I have willingly given up my crown (although I probably still have some of the jewels tucked away and I have forgotten that I put them there). I didn't like that kingdom anyway. And I hope I never go back (I let my horse go back so I don't have a ride now,,,,,I'm hoping that keeps me in the Kingdom of Warmandfuzzy...where I am now).
The end (I hope)
gentle hugs
Ok.....the truth is my therapist has really helped me move out of anger mode.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
When I was in rehab, they gave us an exercise to work through anger.
We had a picnic table right outside of rehab where we could sit and smoke.
We got one of those Nerf bats, and had to start thinking about things we were angry about.
It felt really silly at first, but the more I hit the table with the bat, the more anger came bubbling up.
I ended up hitting that table so hard, and was so angry I was crying.
When I was done, I literally vomited.
I had so much adrenaline running through me, and with all that anger spewing out, that's how I was affected physically.
I was completely exhausted the rest of the day.
The next morning when I got up, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Here at home I have balled up dozens of socks (something else they showed us), taped up a list of my angries and/or who I was angry with, started slinging the socks as hard as I could.
It's been just as beneficial as what we did in rehab.
Anger is an emotion we all experience. It's what we do with it when it comes up that makes the difference.
Like KindEyes, I was always the 'stuffer', held it in until I exploded.
I still have to watch that.
Sending you hugs from Kansas!
:ghug3
We had a picnic table right outside of rehab where we could sit and smoke.
We got one of those Nerf bats, and had to start thinking about things we were angry about.
It felt really silly at first, but the more I hit the table with the bat, the more anger came bubbling up.
I ended up hitting that table so hard, and was so angry I was crying.
When I was done, I literally vomited.
I had so much adrenaline running through me, and with all that anger spewing out, that's how I was affected physically.
I was completely exhausted the rest of the day.
The next morning when I got up, I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.
Here at home I have balled up dozens of socks (something else they showed us), taped up a list of my angries and/or who I was angry with, started slinging the socks as hard as I could.
It's been just as beneficial as what we did in rehab.
Anger is an emotion we all experience. It's what we do with it when it comes up that makes the difference.
Like KindEyes, I was always the 'stuffer', held it in until I exploded.
I still have to watch that.
Sending you hugs from Kansas!
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Anger is toxic if you hold onto it but it can also be therapeutic. The trick is finding some contstructive way to manage it and to uncover why it is there in the first place. Sometimes anger is misdirected sadness or grief. Often times when I am angry, it is really that I am just scared or sad.
Work through it is what I suggest. Don't negate it or push it away because anger pushed down inside isn't good either. Process it and when you get in the habit of doing that, it gets easier and you will start to recognize patterns and triggers for your anger. Then you can manage it in a much better and healthier way.
Work through it is what I suggest. Don't negate it or push it away because anger pushed down inside isn't good either. Process it and when you get in the habit of doing that, it gets easier and you will start to recognize patterns and triggers for your anger. Then you can manage it in a much better and healthier way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
I can id with that anger. Anger at myself, anger at how unfair things are even though I probably deserve quite a bit of the consequences which seem in retrospect at times to be far worse than the crimes. I admit it, I should be a good little recovering addict and say I deserve every bit of this and more but in all honesty some of it is unfair as all heck no matter how it gets sliced. And to me recovery is being honest with myself about my emotions and actions. If I deny what angers me as my truth it will come out somewhere much bigger than the original petty or not so petty anger. How to heal thyself from anger... well own it number one, it's my anger, two well pray and meditate on it and get some space/objectivity from the problem, deal with the bits I can deal with and try to dump the parts I have no control over. It helps to have other foci too, like gardening or exercise to burn off the most destructive parts of the anger. I also like that plastic baseball bat therapy, I need to probably invest in one.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
For me Anger is so hard to get rid of. I found that prayer and talking to GOD has helped. I know when I talk to GOD he will never use anything against me. And he won't tell a soul. Prayer and exercise are the two things that have brought me peace. Praying and talking to GOD gets it out, and exercising releases it physically. Anger is a tough one for me to let go of. Thanks for posting this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Ok so this therapist says to look at my feelings like a block of ice..hard and cold..I've stuffed.been in survival mode...but now the ice is melting and you have no way to know which way the drips will pool..i can wipe it up, let it run everywhere , or let it evaporate (which would be ignoring it) I am totally laughing as i write this . It sounds so stupid.Now my husband is asking me why I'm laughing..i read him what I wrote and he said..I hope Blank (the therapist) doesn't get on and read that. Omg....sometimes all I can do is laugh..
Seriously, though..I am not totally down with the analogy he gave.He did say that I am trying to understand the trauma, what happened , why I was treated the way I was etc. and that I think is true.he keeps saying I just need time, but I don't know cuz I'm pretty amazing at hanging on from stuff like 30 years ago..(please hold your applause..I realize it is an amazing talent many of you will be jealous of.)
If you can't tell I use humor to cope, but he seems to be one of the people that feels like sarcasm is a horrible coping mechanism upon the world. He's one of the few people I've ever met who has never laughed at anything I've ever said. SO anyways..I got all that going for me so try not to hate
Icouldn't find one that said I ROCK, but use your imagination
Seriously, though..I am not totally down with the analogy he gave.He did say that I am trying to understand the trauma, what happened , why I was treated the way I was etc. and that I think is true.he keeps saying I just need time, but I don't know cuz I'm pretty amazing at hanging on from stuff like 30 years ago..(please hold your applause..I realize it is an amazing talent many of you will be jealous of.)
If you can't tell I use humor to cope, but he seems to be one of the people that feels like sarcasm is a horrible coping mechanism upon the world. He's one of the few people I've ever met who has never laughed at anything I've ever said. SO anyways..I got all that going for me so try not to hate
Icouldn't find one that said I ROCK, but use your imagination
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Ok..gets funnier..he emailed me back saying"go ahead unload on her if that's what you want..to punish her for punishing you. why try to have a relationship with her anyway if you feel that way..blah blah..sounds like a competitio n for attention to me.."It's kinda exactly what i want. the quote I believe he is resonding to is when I said"How lovely it must be to to (AD's name) wreak havoc and devastate people and then when you want to"better" be too delicate to hear how you've destoyed everyone."
Told you guys i was an a%%hole.
He's not much better..I take some solace I was able to egg on a proffesional to sink to my level.how's that for some displaced anger. Can you unpaypal someone?
Told you guys i was an a%%hole.
He's not much better..I take some solace I was able to egg on a proffesional to sink to my level.how's that for some displaced anger. Can you unpaypal someone?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
You need a punching bag so you can let it all out with out harming another. I'm pretty angry myself. Because my son has 6 months clean, and I'm still a basket case. You just have to remember that this kid didn't hurt you and the family intentionally. She has a disease of the brain, and she couldn't control the compulsion to use regardless of who she hurt while she was at it. Like alot of other people she tried drugs, and once they got into her brain, she couldn't stop. FORGIVENESS is the most difficult thing for me. So, I totally understand your anger and pain. Keep in mind that this addiction problem is an illness, and our kids are caught up in the problems of society. I hope this helps you in some way. 
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I wish I could think of something to help, keepinon.
All I can think of, is my belief about anger (which, granted, you probably have heard a hundred times)
Realizing that anger is a secondary emotion sometimes helps me put it in perspective.
The primary emotion is either fear orhurt.
When I can get in touch with my hurt, I can treat it as a grief issue.
If it's fear, I need to go to the Steps.
All I can think of, is my belief about anger (which, granted, you probably have heard a hundred times)
Realizing that anger is a secondary emotion sometimes helps me put it in perspective.
The primary emotion is either fear orhurt.
When I can get in touch with my hurt, I can treat it as a grief issue.
If it's fear, I need to go to the Steps.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,064
Keep I agree with you that it's insane to protect the addict from the pain they've caused others. In rehab, I swear I hate to keep harking on that experience but IN REHAB lol, they hit me pretty hard with my sins so that I could spend the other 80 days healing and getting perspective and trying to work out how I could make amends. BTW staying clean is the best amend I can do for my family.
That is why it was so very painful was that I had to woman up to what I had done in a group setting. No private confessions but it probably was for the best. I think protecting the addict from that is enabling them to a degree down the road. I don't want that pain for anyone ever, I wish I could spare my family some of the crap they had to deal with and without honest talk with my family and honest owning up to the havoc I would not be healing so well now and I would maybe not be able to see that as a tool. A tool that this is painful for everybody not just me and I don't want that to be anyone's problem again. Not mine and not my family's to have to cope with.
Addiction is just an unfair for everybody. They told us it was a family disease. It affects everyone. I am glad you've got your humor, it is good to laugh, very healing.
That is why it was so very painful was that I had to woman up to what I had done in a group setting. No private confessions but it probably was for the best. I think protecting the addict from that is enabling them to a degree down the road. I don't want that pain for anyone ever, I wish I could spare my family some of the crap they had to deal with and without honest talk with my family and honest owning up to the havoc I would not be healing so well now and I would maybe not be able to see that as a tool. A tool that this is painful for everybody not just me and I don't want that to be anyone's problem again. Not mine and not my family's to have to cope with.
Addiction is just an unfair for everybody. They told us it was a family disease. It affects everyone. I am glad you've got your humor, it is good to laugh, very healing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Originally Posted by coffeedrinker 
I wish I could think of something to help, keepinon.
All I can think of, is my belief about anger (which, granted, you probably have heard a hundred times)
Realizing that anger is a secondary emotion sometimes helps me put it in perspective.
The primary emotion is either fear orhurt.
When I can get in touch with my hurt, I can treat it as a grief issue.
If it's fear, I need to go to the Steps.
All I can think of, is my belief about anger (which, granted, you probably have heard a hundred times)
Realizing that anger is a secondary emotion sometimes helps me put it in perspective.
The primary emotion is either fear orhurt.
When I can get in touch with my hurt, I can treat it as a grief issue.
If it's fear, I need to go to the Steps.
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Being in touch with your emotions really is healthy. The alternative is survival mode where we cannot feel anything anymore.
Anger and me walked a long and ugly path together.
I have to agree with everyone that said not to suppress it. Suppressing it is what we instinctively do and it just festers and wait to rise to the surface with much more intensity, often at inappropriate times.
What works for me is to find a quiet place and sit with my anger. I don't mean sitting thinking about it, rather to feel it where it physically manifests. For me it is a very uncomfortable contraction in my chest. If I allow myself to feel it without barriers and thought, it eventually goes away. I remember one day I must have sat for more than an hour with this intense feeling of anger. I didn't even know why. At times it was so bad that I thought my body couldn't physically tolerate it for much longer, but I just sat there. Eventually it stopped.
The amazing thing is that doing this really has taken care of the anger outbursts I used to have. The type where months of suppression came out in one foul swoop and scared even me. I still get angry, but it is for normal reasons, goes away quickly and doesn't fester.
I think if I fell back into the trap of suppressing my anger, over time the expolsions may come back.
Anger and me walked a long and ugly path together.
I have to agree with everyone that said not to suppress it. Suppressing it is what we instinctively do and it just festers and wait to rise to the surface with much more intensity, often at inappropriate times.
What works for me is to find a quiet place and sit with my anger. I don't mean sitting thinking about it, rather to feel it where it physically manifests. For me it is a very uncomfortable contraction in my chest. If I allow myself to feel it without barriers and thought, it eventually goes away. I remember one day I must have sat for more than an hour with this intense feeling of anger. I didn't even know why. At times it was so bad that I thought my body couldn't physically tolerate it for much longer, but I just sat there. Eventually it stopped.
The amazing thing is that doing this really has taken care of the anger outbursts I used to have. The type where months of suppression came out in one foul swoop and scared even me. I still get angry, but it is for normal reasons, goes away quickly and doesn't fester.
I think if I fell back into the trap of suppressing my anger, over time the expolsions may come back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Yeah, this guy we are dealing with was a therapist at my AD's 1st rehab.She LOVES him..us..not so much..he's humorless and rambling and really isn't working with us as a family. He is now a "life coach" which I think means he doesn't have to follow the rules of a real therapist. So, we email alot and you wouldn't believe some of the crap he says. I am done with him.It's 450 bucks a mo. and although our daughter is doing well..the family relationship is deteriorating. He says we couldn't possibly reunify because I am so angry...uhhh we did family therapy at 1st rehab and it went very well..and I was pissed then too.
Protecting her from our anger really seems to be a big issue..Thanks so much Meditation..my theory is how am I ever going to get over it if I can't talk to her.He says her guilt makes her shut down, thenoverreact or some crap..my theory..OH WELL. I wrote a letter to her, he didn't feel it would be beneficial.So I guess me shutting my piehole is what's best for everyone cuz GOD FORBID my daughter have to answer for all her sh*%.Well now..thanks for letting me rant.
PS Meditation talk all you want about rehab..I always learn from what you have to say and am super grateful that you are willing to share from the "other side".
Protecting her from our anger really seems to be a big issue..Thanks so much Meditation..my theory is how am I ever going to get over it if I can't talk to her.He says her guilt makes her shut down, thenoverreact or some crap..my theory..OH WELL. I wrote a letter to her, he didn't feel it would be beneficial.So I guess me shutting my piehole is what's best for everyone cuz GOD FORBID my daughter have to answer for all her sh*%.Well now..thanks for letting me rant.
PS Meditation talk all you want about rehab..I always learn from what you have to say and am super grateful that you are willing to share from the "other side".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Keepinon, You cannot supress that anger, because like a volcano it will erupt and destroy everything around you. You need to get it out in a positive way, without injuring others. Your daughter knows she has hurt you, herself and the rest of the family. She knows, and she is ashamed of that. She might not be able to talk about it yet, because it's to soon. If she tries to deal with those feelings it might cause a relapse at this early stage of recovery. That's the hard part. Everything regarding addiction and recovery takes time and patience. I didn't have much patience left when it came to my sons addiction either. I was so hurt, and so angry. He also depleted my finances along with my health and happiness. I don't blame you for being angry. I know what my sons addiction has done to me, and I'm still suffering with some of the panic and sorrow associated with it. I try to remember what my mom used to say. THIS TO SHALL PASS. Things will get better, it just takes time. I hope you find an outlet for your anger. Be good to yourself for now, and be grateful that she's not still out there using.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
