LovingKatt

Hi I'm new here and I don't really know how to go about this...

I'm looking for an unbiased opinion please, someone who can give me advice without judging and stereotyping me or my boyfriend.

I've been with my boyfriend now for 3 years wich may not seem like a long time for most people but I assure you it's been the best times of my life(until recently) and we've had a connection that everyone around us envy. We've been through alot together but recently my worst fears have been realized. Back in July my boyfriend was hanging out with our friends while I was at work. One of my friends brought out some H and my boyfriend said what the hell and tried it.

Now both me and my boyfriend have had a long history of recreational drug use; smoking weed everyday and on occasion doing rolls(ecstacy) eating shrooms, popping tabs, doing benzo's(zanax, klonopins) blowing coke and the like. (Hes done crack meth and downers too, I haven't I don't like touching drugs that are "too hard", yea i know it sounds stupid..) No drug ever had power over me, my boyfriend had a slight perc problem but he slowed down did them like once everycouple months. I was always the kind of person with a non-addictive personality I believe in mind over matter and only got fckd up when I wanted to let loose and have fun, when I felt it was getting out of hand I'd always stop and am a strong believer of moderation. I understand how someone can be addicted however.

Back to the story. No drug has ever made him completly lose touch with reality. But this time, it was completly different. I did not realize his addiction until the beggining of September because he knows my views on opiates and heroin addicts(I think they're disgusting and pathetic, yes I know I'm sorry but thats just how I felt, I know I'm offending alot of people on here) Now he didn't tell me... I had to find out in just about the worst kind of way. I had lost my atm card a week earlier and didn't think twice bout it cause me and my boyfriend were the only ones that knew the pin and I was sure I had just misplaced it(I had alot of trust for him). So a week later I went on my online banking to see if a direct deposit had come in yet and I found $800 missing from my account startin from the past week. I freaked out and called him(he was at work) crying and asking what should I do(I didn't suspect him) that was almost 3 weeks worth of my paycheck I was really distraught. I told him I think I can call the place and tell them n they have cameras on the atm machines and thats wen he started getting nervous and told me "uhm oo I think I might have your atm card at home". Thats when my world came crashing down I went crazy. I starting cryin and asking him how could he do this to me, why? How? What have I done? You know you could have just asked me...etc. I picked him up from work and repeadedly asked him how could he do something like that to me and he told me hed been blowing heroin. I couldn't believe him, I was in denial. I went hysterical and had a panic attack. He calmed me down but I lost it. I dropped him off at his house and went home.

I blocked him from everything wouldn't talk to him, ignored him. I told him it was over, I was done. There was no going back. He had thrown away all our dreams and our future.... But I loved him, I was lonely and miserable and missed him so much. He would call me every hour of everyday for a week leaving me voicemails and txts saying hes sorry he loves me so much he wants me to be his future and have children w me hes so ashamed of himself he let it take over he tought he would b able to jus put the money back. He said hed change, that he wasn't really addicted because he was blowing it not shooting it and hed only been doin it for a lil while. I agreed to get back with him a week later(I'm weak...) and he promised to stay clean.

He was doin great for a while. He was paying me back and everything seemed to be getting better he was nicer more attentive, loving. He payed my back last week and then things started bein diferent... He was acting strange, didn't want to have sex or do anything, I expected something but I trusted him, I loved him and truly believed he was never going to touch it again. He told me he didn crave it anymore etc.. But this week he was acting strange like I said... I thought I was just being crazy. Well sunday he was leaving my house he said his mom was picking him up and he was going home. I was looking around for my wallet and couldnt find it, so a gut feeling told me to go online... I went to my online banking and found out for the past week hes taken out $200 from me and recently... that night! I called him repeatedly he didnt answer. So I went outside to my car to go to his house and.. MY CAR IS GONE! He took my spare keys and stole my car to go get heroin I was so depressed and disgusted I wanted to puke. I called his mom(it was around midnight) and I told her wat was goin on and to get ahold of him to get my car back before my folks came out and noticed what was goin on(they love him but theyd still call the cops....) We finaly reached him and he told me "I'm sorry I just had too... I just had to do it, I'm sorry" I hung up on his and jus cryed. His mom had gone through alot of abuse and comforted me and told me she knows what I'm goin through... He finaly came back an hr later! All ****** up, apologizen... I didn wana hear it I jus gave him our engagement ring back and went inside my house n his mom drove him home.

I thought I was done for good but he convinced me to be back with him.. I feel powerless, helpless. I love him I just can't go on like this. Everyother day I feel like something new comes up its driving me insane, I cry everyday. Its taking over my life. I don't know what I can do to help. Please give me some advice other than leaving him for good... I wana help him.

If anyone has the patience to read through this please help me out.

Love...
Katt

Ann

The kind of use you describe isn't recreational, it's downright dangerous. I don't mean that in a judgemental way, just the facts.

He's an active addict, and doing what active addicts do. Just read around here and you will find that most of us have been lied to, stolen from and lived a life of chaos when we tried to keep our relationship with our addicts. Doesn't matter if they are our spouses, boyfriends, sons, daughters or friends...if we choose to stay in their world, we pay the price dearly.

The choice is yours whether to remain or stay. One choice will make your life hell, the other will bring pain for a while but may take you down a better path for yourself. You decide and let us know how it works for you.

Good luck.

hello-kitty

I'd say that might be a little bit more than recreational use. You know what they say, play in the fire long enough, and you are going to end up getting burned.

So you may not be an addict... but your boyfriend is hooked. His drug use is progressing and his behavior is getting worse. Things won't improve until he stops using. He won't stop using until he gets help. And he probably won't get help until he hits bottom.

And there's nothing you can do to help him.

That means that you need to take care of you. What are your values? Where do you see yourself 5 years from now. Do you have any goals? I'd focus on them and ask myself how is going to help you achieve them.

And if you realize (And I hope you do) that those actives are holding you back from being the person you are capable of being, I'd make some serious changes in my lifestyle. Before it's too late. I'd work on some boundaries based on the kind of treatment that is acceptable to me and the kind of behavior that I will and will not allow around me.

However, that's going to be really hard if you are in the thick of things.

By the way, I am a recovering crack addict. I started out just like you - "recreationally" using all those drugs. But then one day, it wasn't recreational anymore. I found crack. And I was f--ked for a long time. It was he!! to get off it. It took my soul away for a long time. Trust me. Not somewhere you want to accidently end up.

So I'm not judging you or your boyfriend. But you are headed down a dark path. I hope you find your way before you waste the best years of your life.

dollydo

Since you keep letting him back in your life, then I would follow Cynical's advice.

I'd say that you have a real rollercoaster ride ahead of you!

nodaybut2day

Seems to me that you have an addiction problem, just like your boyfriend. He is addicted to heroin, and you are addicted to him.

He knows heroin is bad for him, and he'll do damaging things to himself and to others just to get his fix, knowing full well that it's bad. You know he is bad for you, and you'll damage yourself and perhaps others (like your family) just to get your fix of him, knowing full well he's bad for you.

You're right when you say you are powerless. You are powerless to change him or his addiction. The only power you have is over yourself. You spoke of it when you mentioned mind over matter. You can control your actions, despite how strong the pull is to be with the person who stole 1,000$ and your car from you so he could do heroin.

I strongly recommend picking up a copy of Codependent No More, by Melodie Beattie.

In the meantime, keep posting.

keepinon

Fist of all I find it interesting that the first thing you say is you don't want to be judged, but immediately launch into how disgusting heroin users are (after a LOOOOng list of the drugs you casually use.)
You probably need to read up on addiction, and go to naranon. Looking at yourself is where you need to be at. Your bf is an active addict, nothing YOU can do about that expect decide if you are gonna be around it.
No offense, but you do not seem to have a clear grasp on what "recreational " drug use is. There seems to be alot of minimizing going on in your post regarding that area.

coffeedrinker

Hey there LovingKatt,

I'd like to welcome you to this forum.

You'll get some water in your face sometimes, some gentle, loving support sometimes, some education, and maybe a swift kick every once in awhile.

We do care about the folks that come here and have the courage to reach out and post.

I would suggest that most of us know that wonderful, deep and special bond you and your man share. We also know the incredible heartache of loving and being unable to let go.

But...many of us have learned to do exactly that. Love AND let go.

It's hard, hard stuff, but way worth it.

Let us help you with what it is you feel you need.

rose

Glad you posted, reached out for some help.

Hope this does not come out wrong, just wondering what sort of fun goodtimes do the two of you have together without drugs being involved. Can you have the same fun without any drugs. Something you are going to have to realize is he has gone past the point of recreational use, probably to the point that recreational will never be an option for him again. Your relationship is going to have some huge changes. Should he stop what he is doing and become clean, I would think that any recreational use for you is going to have to come to an end as well. How does this sit with you, honestly.

As for now, it is clear that you have to hide your bank card, change your pin as of yesterday! Take away all keys he has of yours...all keys, house, car whatever you have a key to. He is doing what addicts do, not being trustworthy!

Take Cynical's safety advise very seriously!

Rose

LovingKatt

[QUOTE=hello-kitty;2730655]I'd say that might be a little bit more than recreational use. You know what they say, play in the fire long enough, and you are going to end up getting burned.
[QUOTE]

I'm no addict, I've done alot of drugs yes but they're all been for fun. I've done them to rediculous extents too and I never seemed to get that feenin feelin like most other people. I'm just wierd... I know it was horrible to think that way about a dopehead but its just how I thought because stopping things cold turkey have always been so easy for me n I believed that if you put ur mind to something then it's powerful enough to overcome anything, I guess I believed that they just weren't trying or giving a ****. I understand now.. my boyfriend is trying so hard but hes so weak. Like this heroin is messing with his mind and preventing him from rational thought or being able to care bout anything... I don't pity him, it was his decision... but I love him and it hurts to see him go through this. I just miss the person I fell in love with and everytime I see glimpses of him it gives me hope...

hello-kitty

That's cute! I always had fun using drugs too.

I'm not saying you are an addict. If you want to use drugs, that's your choice, but expect to be surrounded by losers, users and drug addicts.

You sound like a smart girl. Even non-addicts can screw up their lives by using drugs. Even non-addicts get in trouble around drugs. Even non-addicts get ripped off and manipulated. Non-addicts get abused, lied to, cheated and treated like crap by addicts. Even by the addicts we love.

Good luck! I'm sure you'll be figure out a solution to your problem with your boyfriend's thieving, lying behavior. Too bad love can't cure addicts. Too bad you won't be able to fix him. Unfortunately, that's just the way it is.

hello-kitty

The not-so-fun part for me was the drug addict boyfriend. And the getting pregnant part. :-) And the not having a father for my son.

keepinon

I agree with what Cynical said completely..this will be super easy for you. Just STOP obsessing about him, use your strong mind.

outtolunch

No one starts up with something like heroin thinking they will become a crazed junky. They all maintain the fantasy that they can control it and this persists until the drug controls them.

Only thing that makes you different than him is that you chose to not try some of the drugs he has become fond of.

Your BF is a polysubstance abuser and apparently found the drug that floats his boat, heroin. There is no pecking order as it relates to drug addiction. It does not matter if he's snorting, jabbing or packing the stuff. It's heroin. And he's addicted.

Just for the record, no such thing as a "slight perc problem". It's an opioid as addictive as an opiate, and a common stepping stone to heroin where there is substantially more bang for the buck.

None of us have power over anyone else and the choices they make. It's a full time job and then some for us to control ourselves and make decisions in our own best interests or risk that someone elses choices will take us along their downward spiral.

If being stolen from is unacceptable to you, you remove yourself and your stuff from the proximity of the thief. It really is that simple. That's a boundary and is only as good as your decision to impose it. Boundaries do not attempt to control other people's behaviors. He is free to rob other people and incur serious consequences associated with his choices.

You can get off this roller coaster anytime you want. It's your responsibility to make decisions in your own best interests.

wow1323

I had a boyfriend years ago who was a herion addict. He stole my car and crashed it.

meditation

I am an addict. I spent most of my childhood having surgery. I think I became fond of the opiates back in the day but as cynical says the switch wasn't flipped. I dabbled with alcohol in my 20's as the only drug I ever touched and the switch wasn't flipped. I became a responsible adult, a nurse and a mother and wife, I worked full time in the same place for over 10 years. One day I had surgery and somewhere along the way the switch got flipped years and years later with little useage. One day I was 13 and it was fun and one day I was 40 and it was an obsession with nothing in the years between. No one knows when the switch will flip at what point and at what age. It happens.
I'm glad you haven't crossed over to the addiction yet but once it starts the mind won't shut it down, some very serious steps have to be taken to get free of the obsession. Usually it's consequences that occur along the way that make people decide they've had enough "fun".
As for him I understand how he became an addict. I hope you can detach with love from him before his addiction destroys your life. It's no fun being an addict after a point and it's no fun being the gf or wife or mother/father of an addict really ever. Decide when you are full of the fun and there is a life beyond addiction.

LovingKatt

Thanks for all the advice everyone, especially cynical . I didn't mean to set people off by what I wrote I just wrote down the truth. I've just never had that personality. When I found out he was using for the first time it was the easiest to let go, but as time progressed it got harder and harder to leave because I always had it in the back of my mind that we're guna get back together anyways why act childish?(breakin up and getin back together over and over again). Since I found out the last time hes been really brutally honest with me, telling me where and when and who. I stopped hanging out or associating with any of them, because I tought the best first step would be to distance ourselves from those so called friends we had. He was dopesick yesterday I took care of him, it made me sad to see him that way but I know that it wud lead to sobriety after he was over. In some twisted selfish way I was happy because I felt needed and love being there for the one I love. Hes gettin better and better each day, he talks to me more and kind of encourages me to ask him questions about it all. He sais it makes him feel ashamed and when he notices how sad it makes me he wants to change and he hopes he can he said he'll try but he told me he didn't wana promise me anything in case he relapsed. I'm just glad hes getting a little more sensible each day I know it's something he's guna have to deal with for the rest of his life but as long as hes willing to try and accept help I'll stand by him. I know the most logical reason would be to leave and run as fast as I can but the one thing I'm addicted to is him and his love(not love his love) and I'll try to support him in anyway even if I can't be there as his girlfriend.

hello-kitty

That's great. i think we've all been where you are at as far as drug addicted boyfriends and husbands are concerned. Stand by your man... help him get better... he wants to change... all that jazz. All of us here have heard it a million times. We all think our guy is different. That our guy will change. Who knows, maybe yours will be that guy. Doesn't sound like he's quite there yet so keep posting and letting us know how things go for you. And protect your atm card better. And hide your car keys. And lock up any valuables that you have.

Those are really the only logical things you can do unless you decide you have had enough.

Oh and be careful. Because even if he's not shooting up yet, he's hanging around with some pretty shady characters who probably do. Hepatitus C is very contagious - and he doesn't necessarily need to be shooting up to catch it, althought that certainly increases the chances that he will.

keepinon

Its called Terminal uniqueness. The not me, not my boyfriend, not our love, we are differnt, special, beyond your comprehension..sort of thinking. We will see.

ZombieWife

I guess I'm not a big believer in "recreational drug use."

In the end you have to ask yourself why you're so dissatisfied with your life that you need to alter your state of consciousness "for fun." And this is speaking as someone who dabbled as a teen.

There's a potential addict within us all, especially considering what the chemical makeup of some drugs do to the body. One heroin addict I spoke with during my volunteer days at the jail said that she didn't do it to get high anymore, she did it because it enabled her to "function normally."

Case in point. I had kidney stones. I was given delauded then morphine. When the stones passed, I was released w/o any pain medication. I felt like I'd been run over by a truck for a week after until my brain learned to rewire the pain management mojo. I always imagine a heroin (or morphine or oxy) addict deals with that on a much more intense level. Add that into a personality that craves different ways to "get high" and it's a recipe for disaster.

By stating over and over that you're not an addict, that you "just aren't like that," that heroin addicts are dirty junkies, well, you're probably not doing any favors for your BF's situation here. Taking the high road of superiority may cause resentment in an addict. The truth of the matter is that you ARE an addict. You are addicted to his bullsh1t drama and to the control over his well-being.

None of what I said is meant to be nasty or such. Please don't take it in that way. There is so much love here from members of this forum. But it's a humble kind of love, a love that says, "yeah, I'm here because I have some issues to work out, too."

He needs help. He needs rehab. But he won't go until he's ready (if he ever reaches that point). He needs to hit his bottom. He needs to admit he has a problem. You can't force him to do any of that. You can't coerce him, beg him, threaten him. All you can do is lay down some boundaries and decide what you will not accept and stick to it the best you can.

If you read through some of these threads you'll see that many of us fall, pick ourselves up again and start again (just like our addicts).

I once thought that my husband and I were "the ultimate couple." I was so incredibly in love. We made others ill with our passion, our love, our googlie-eyes with hearts pounding out of them. But, because I kept hanging onto that idea that we were "the perfect couple," I enabled him more and I stayed codependent more. When I finally broke out of that it was emotionally violent, traumatic and something I will never forget. I did find the one thing that could destroy us: his addiction to meth. It chipped away at our shiny, white-tower armor until I was on this forum, breaking down, crying to these good people that I wasn't sure I loved him anymore.

Things are on the mend now. For every year he's sober, we rebuild. But, the stars in my eyes are no longer blinding and sparkling, but slow-burning and steady. Love transforms. It evolves. It was great to live in those moments of diamond-skies and unearthly bliss. But, that kind of bliss is fool's gold for a codependent like me. I'm in it for the "real stuff" now. And the "real stuff" isn't all cupcakes and roses. It's hard Effin' work.

Recovery for us isn't easy. Our crime seems to be that we care too much. Maybe our hearts are too big.

But, there is always room for one more "heart" on this forum and I'm darn glad to meet you and hope you stick around.

outtolunch

Addiction to anything is all about the "it's not so bad" fantasy.

Addiction is progressive and almost always results in prison, institutionalization or death.

Anything done to mitigate the consequences, tends to increase the liklihood of relapse and another step towards it really is that bad.