meditation

I don't think I understand totally what enabling is. Because there is kindness and compassion. I could not walk away if someone was deathly ill and just say not my problem. That seems not sure what to label it I don't think enabling is making sure someone doesn't die at home during a detox or just making sure they don't choke on their vomit. I think that's human kindness. Enabling to me is driving them to their dealer, covering for them with their relatives, boss, friends, justifying, accepting bad behavior. Maybe I'm lost.

I'm not trying to be mean or take up for the addict or excuse any nasty bad codependency issues. I think I am just seriously confused.

rose

Wow, this is amazing, seems you have a really good handle on the situation before it got to far out of hand and he became one of those junkies and you became one of us. That is good that he wants you asking questions about it all. Sure wish I knew more when this all started with my (ex)husband, maybe things would not have got so bad.

Rose

LovingKatt

You're absolutly right, but it's hard watching him go through withdrawls. I've always been the "motherly type" when it came to that stuff. I don't hide this from his mother(I don't tell his family it would only make things worse), I talk to her and let her know whats goin on. We're always in touch because we're his ride to and from places(he lost his licence when he crashed last year). He got really pissed at me for tellin her sayin how She can't sleep at night now. But I'd rather her know whats going on and help in the recovery then for her to mayby wake up one day with her son ODn.. I think that things are picken up but three times a fool I won't be. I'm on my guard, I forgave but didn't forget.

keepinon

responding to the questiona about enabling...I did detox my AD at home after we went to the ER and they gave us meds and told us what to do. I didn't stay up with her all night, but was compassioante towards her. The ONLY reason we did detox her at home was that no place would take her, and she agreed to go to rehab. WOuldn't have wasted my time otherwise. Apparently the detox process is very imprtant cuz the 1st thing the sle asked her was ..how was your detox..she said,,horrible and the supervisor said..yeah, good.remeber that.
FOr me, the only way I would help was if she was committed to recovery which in my book meant total sobriety and going to a rehab . I always told her..I will do anything to help you, but I won't do anything to help you live like this one more day..(stolen from Jeff on Intervention)

LovingKatt

I know it's hard to describe but I have a different mindset, I both agree and disagree. I don't think I'm above anyone it's just how I am. I believe everything can be addictive, from cars and candy to dope and meth. The difference is the mental addiction vs the physical addiction. I never really liked the feeling I got off of coke and percs so I guess mayby that's why I never got so into them. I find myself more infatuated with chocolate and reggeaton music then I do with most drugs I've done. Everyone is different, some people can try coke once n they're hooked others don't like the feeling at all. When I did drugs I did them to enjoy myself(listen right now try not to roll your eyes) I felt giggly or happy or talkative and tingly all over body feelings. Some were for visual journeys and for insperation and some had spiritual meanings. I liked those things about some drugs but it never felt better to me than eating chocolate or painting landscapes. They never randomly popped in my head hey I REALLY want that right now no. I'm not sayin that if I ever tryed meth or crack or H that I wouldn't get addicted but I'd rather not find out some things are worth bein a mystery.
Please don't anyone get offended by what I said. Its just personal experience everyone is different. The love of my life was different..

rose

What are your plans and feelings once he is back up on his feet again towards your recreational use. Do you think he is able to go back to recreational use. Did the two of you get as much satisfaction out of the relationship if you weren't having some recreational fun. What are your thoughts if he smokes weed.

Rose

hello-kitty

Once you turn into an addict you can't do drugs recreationally any more. We recovering addicts compare it to cucumbers and pickles. Once you become a pickle, no matter how bad you want it, you can never go back to being a cucumber again. Once that addict switch is flipped you can't go back to using recreationally.

Being an addict means you have no control over the substances that you put in your body - no control over yourself once you put a substance into your body. So unfortunately your BF is going to have to quit using drugs recreationally with you. How does that sit with you? Are you prepared for that?

Maybe both of you can start attending NA together. It will help him find the recovery he desperately needs because he'll be around other recovering addicts who have been through what he is going through. It will probably help you too since lifestyle changes are tough and you will both need support to get there.

ZombieWife

So, since he was human and relapsed, his opinion is sh1t, I take it. That's good to know.

ZombieWife

No, I get it, but it's coming across as superior, no matter how you pretty it up. I remember attending an AA meeting with my father one Christmas Eve. Another family member of an alcoholic attended that meeting. When the group members said, "I want to hear from that person," the first thing out of her mouth was, "I'm ____, but I'm not an alcoholic."

I never saw a room deflate so quickly.

You have to ask yourself why you're here. Are you looking for assistance? Or are you looking for justification in how you're already handling this? Are you looking to feel less guilty for using drugs "recreationally" when he's the one who has become an addict? What's difficult about this situation is that you may find that so much of your "lovey dovey" feelings came from the drug use just as much as it came from within you both.

What is your plan if he does go into rehab, takes 2-3 years to rewire his brain into creating seratonin and dopamine on its own, and he loses interest in sex? When he associates you with the thrum of love he felt on "E" and he can't get there again w/o some kind of chemical? When he starts to wonder if it was love he felt at all or just the drugs you did together?

"Love" will not get him through any of this, he will get himself through. The hope is that the disgust he feels about himself and the crappy feeling he gets whenever he uses will outweigh the NEED to use and he'll do the math and say, "hell, this isn't worth it anymore." But, no amount of love, sex, heavy petting, begging, poetry or meaningful cuddling will get him there.

It's all on him and his desire to reclaim his life. At this point, we're all powerless and we have to ask ourselves, "am I ready to die with this person?" I'm not. I'm worthy of life and happiness and joy. And you are too.

keepinon

Well said

ZombieWife

Then you reason for posting this:

is?

I apologize for assuming. I'm just wondering what you meant. It sounded like you were dumping all over what is helpful to someone else in their own recovery process here. I would really like to be wrong about that.

wow1323

Katt, May I ask how old you are?

chicory

I would strongly suggest that ou get some literature on heroin, and other drugs as well. I am worried that you may be underestimating the effects of drugs on the body and brain. you will probably be frozen with fear, to find out what is actually going on in your boyfriend.

get help, and keep posting here. there is lots of wisdom and compassion here.

hello-kitty

Even though you can't witness it in some of the posts above.

ZombieWife

Yep. Just goes to show that we all have our nasty days. Especially me.

Many apologies all. I don't deal well (sometimes) with constant negativity and when I feel like it's beating me down, I get defensive. That's not conducive to a board such as this.

But, detach with love, right?

orchid

lovingkatt--

i'm a new user too and i can completely relate to your situation. i have been with my boyfriend for three years.. he is also a heroin addict. he started just sniffing dope.. the needle came around soon after. he's been on methadone for a little over a month now, but started abusing his xanax prescription... it's just a mess.

i completely understand why everyone is upset about your recreational drug use.. all drugs are bad and ultimately lead to pain and destruction. please don't take their advice as judgment.. they simply want YOU to be healthy and happy. when i started dating my boyfriend, we used together too... weed, drinking, whatever.. i was in college and "having fun" with everyone else or whatever you want to call it. the fact that we used to use together before he became a junkie put an AWFUL dynamic in the his addiction. we used to party on the weekends.. next thing you know, im cleaning up vomit and taking care of him while he's kicking.

which brings me to what you said about taking care of him and actually liking it... i have totally felt that. so many times its embarrassing. i mean, seeing this person i love(read: completely codependent on) kicking drugs and actually *needing* me? wanting me around, totally appreciative of the things that i'm doing for him? what codependent girl wouldn't eat that right up?

but then comes the relapse.. more crying.. rehabs round 1 and 2... more self-loathing.. more crying... it's such a sick cycle.

i'll admit it-- i am still with my boyfriend. i am trying to figure out how to give it up. i am completely codependent and financially dependent on him. it's easy to say "oh just break up with him," etc etc.. but i understand just how difficult that actually is. if he can be clean, then i want to be with him. if he can't, then i can't. i've wanted nothing more than to "help" him... what i've actually done is allowed his addiction to progress and be completely out of control. ultimate enabler. i love him so much and can't really fathom what life would be like without him. but i'm starting to understand that that is what has to happen. i, like you, cry every day. i'm so depressed.. feel like i'm losing my mind.

so yeah, all and all.. YOU'RE NOT ALONE. i'm right here in the trenches with you. i think i'm finally on the road to recovery and independence.. i hope you'll join me on the way to getting our lives back. if you ever need to talk.. please please let me know.

love,
orchid

URMYEVERYTHING

Oh Loving Katt your story speaks to me. Actually, it yells to me. This was me 2 1/2 years ago and I finally let him go 6 months ago even after him being sober for close to a year. It is a process that takes time, over 1 year at best, to recover from and even then sobriety is a way of life for a lifetime. In the meantime, there are possible relapses in between and/or no hope for recovery anytime soon. There is NOTHING you could do to help this man. I realized this before he even relapsed as I work as a therapist and even with me setting up boundaries, etc. he still chose to do him and Heroin (his first and only love). I too wanted to support him but was also losing myself in the relationship and I soon became engrossed in his addiction and recovery. It was draining the life out of me. I use to say I would never tell anyone to run but as I have walked the hell I have with an addict, I don't hesitate now to say.....RUN LIKE HELL and RUN LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! I know that isn't what you would like to hear now.......It's something I wished I was open to accept 2 1/2 years ago. This site has given me the support I needed and if it wasn't for the brutally honest people here...I may have been still rationalizing with myself the idea of being okay to stay in someone else's addiction and to not recover from my own addiction (HIM!).

Please keep coming back here and be able to read the boards with an open mind. It only helps in the long run. I can totally relate to your story. Feel free to read my past posts especially when I first found out about his relapses. I'm sure you will be able to fit right into my shoes.

ladyhawk69

There is a great sticky called "What addicts do". I put that on my fridge and would read it everyday............for almost a year.

My addict and I are not together anymore and believe me, we went through some bad sh**. He seems to be doing better and we have gotten to a point that we can talk as friends. I don't think he's quite out of the woods yet, but I am.

Our "love" wasn't anymore special than anyone elses. I just thought it was because it started out so intense, so different, so great. I look back now at all the behavior I justified, all the times I was left alone, all the times I was lied to, all the times he spent our rent money and go.............WOW.............did I really accept all that for "love"? That's not love....not even close.

Good luck to you. This site will really help you. There are ALOT of great people on here. Keep in mind, you will get advice you may not want to hear but it is all given with love. (tough love)

ladyhawk69

YouTube - white horse lyrics - taylor swift

xflip227x

LovingKatt,

I know how you feel. I've never been addicted to anything except for the woman I love. Unfortunately, in Oct. '09 she stole money from my house; denying it every day for 2 days before coming clean, and telling me. I broke up with her because it hurt too much...and I never suspected drugs at this point; my parents did. After not talking to her for months, I decided to start talking to her again. She seemed happy to hear from me and to be honest I was ecstatic to see her. We started hanging out more frequently and getting into an intimate relationship again. I did worry though, I'm not going to lie. Was she using drugs? If so, what was she using? One night, at her apartment, I went to the bathroom. My nose started to run, so I went to the tissue box container, it was empty. I looked in a there I found a small baggy and a straw. The baggy contained what looked like brown sugar. I confronted her about it and she swore it wasn't her's. I didn't believe her...after-all, who would leave drugs in HER bathroom. We went back and forth for a couple days, texting, and finally she agreed to submit to a drug test. Two months went by before I decided to test her; when I did, she refused to take it, which to me implied that she was using. She texted me later on that day, saying that I could come back on Tuesday and test her. It was Sunday. I knew she smoked weed and took pain killers for some busted up ribs she had gotten when she slipped in the bathtub. I don't think she knew I was going to give her a hair follicle test. I did it and left; mailing in the sample of hair I took. (I know everyone can see the obsession on my part escalating and I'm not denying that). Anyways, I mailed in the sample and waited. That following Monday, I received an email from the lab that stated that the results were ready. Sure enough, she came up POSITIVE in a low amount for coke. She came up POSITIVE in a HIGH amount for heroin. I confronted her with the results and she still denied using it; and then later on sending me an e-mail with an elaborate story about how she met this guy who introduced her to smoking weed with pain killers and she wasn't aware that there was heroin in it...ha! She tells me that she's sorry and part of me wants to believe her. Another part of me feels that she's only telling me what I want to hear. I know that her addiction will eventually kill her and to be honest I'm having a hard time coping with the emotional pain I'm feeling...I don't know what to do...