heartbroken12

Hi my name is heartbroken12, I am new to this but i need to talk to someone on how to deal with the fact that my fieance broke my trust, i feel like he betrayed me and our kids, he lied to me,he took bill money and bought heroin. He did this 3 months ago. I did not even know he was on it and he had been doing it for a month straight. he snorted it and when he told me what he was on i cried and he promised me that he would not do it again. I told him that I would help him work through this and work on building up the trust again then last month I was working and he had the children and called me to come home, with my job I can not just leave so I called his mom and she came and got the kids, when I got home he was saying that he did not feel good and he was sick. I asked him if he was "cold sick" or "dope sick". He said cold sick and about an hour later he came to me crying saying he was sorry and he had done heroin again. I am devestated. I feel like i can't trust him, I took the debit card and i feel like i have to watch everything with him. He has not worked in 2months and 3 weeks. He worked on a job last week he says he wants to stop doing it and that he has not done it in weeks. for the past 3 months it has been rough. he says it is over and done with and i need to just deal with it. how do you do that? I need some advice. I have told him to leave and now i have to deal with raising 2 children, work and school. I feel very angry toward him [I]s that normal. to feel angry, to make him leave. Can someone help me deal with it.

useyourwords

Welcome heartbroken12! I am so sorry to hear about your situation, but glad you found this site. I am new here too, but have been living with an addict in my family for many years. I have been so grateful to have found this site. There are so many helpful, experienced people here and I am sure you will find a lot of good support!

I think it is of course normal to feel angry and betrayed finding out about his addiction, and I think it is also a good thing that you made him leave. I am sure it required a lot of strength and courage, but as I am sure you know, you need to do what is best for you and you children. The reality is that your fiance was probably using a lot more than he has admitted to you -- that is just what addicts do --they lie and minimize to hide the extent of their use. So taking your debit card was also a smart move.

My recommendations for beginning to deal with this is to start learning and seeking information -- Ann's sticky list at the top of the page is a great place to start, as well as the many other posts in the forum. Look for nar-anon meetings in your area, as well. You cannot change him, or fix him, or force his recovery. All you can do is work on yourself.

Oh, last thing from me, remember that addicts are master manipulators! If you have made your bf leave, he will likely try to say all the things you want to hear to let him come back. If that doesn't work, he will probably resort to guilt or even threats. It sounds like you are moving in a good direction -- you have set a boundary that you will not live with (and expose your children) to someone who is using and lying to you. He may make it feel very hard to stick to that, but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself. Best wishes -- I am sure you will find a lot of great support here. I know I have in the short time I have been here.

addictionwife

While I can't really offer advice as I'm in pretty much the same boat you are in, I can tell you I feel the same way. I just found out my husband has been doing coke. I feel so angry and resentful. I want to make him leave, have made him leave and am struggling with that decision because I also feel guilty about it at the same time. I feel like I'm being heartless and cruel by kicking him out, even though I know it's better for my kids. I think what you are feeling is normal, why shouldn't you be angry? I resent the hell out of the fact that I now have to support myself and my kids alone, when I left a really good job 5 years ago to stay home with our kids because it was better for our family. Now I'm stuck having been out of the workforce for 5 years and trying to find a job in a ****** economy that will support me and 2 kids? Hell yes I'm angry about that! I'm angry about all the lies and the hurt and the embarrassment. Whew!, sorry I feel like I just yelled at you, lol. You should be angry!!!

Impurrfect

(((heartbroken))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for what brought you here. Is it normal to be angry, oh yeah. It's also normal to feel hurt, to second-guess yourself, and all those other feelings that come up.

I'm both a recovering addict (RA) and recovering codie (codependent). I had to hit bottom on both accounts, and give the addicts and other codies in my life the dignity to live their life as they choose. I can't fix them (always thought that was my JOB), any more than someone could fix ME.

For those who have kids, you may want to read a bit on the Adult children of alcoholics/addicts forum (ACOAs). The effects of addiction on children is far reaching.

Can we A's recover? Sure, we just have to want it more than anything in life, and put the work into it to change our thoughts and behaviors. Same thing we codies have to do to get OUR lives back.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

outtolunch

Addiction demands the addict to protect and sustain it at all costs. This means that addicts do not tell the whole truth, ever.

Feeling angry and betrayed is a natural response. Know that he is not using dope at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.

No one just snaps out of addiction. If our love could cure them, none of us would be here.

Take every measure to protect your finances and any valuables/technology you have in your home. Checks missing from the middle of the deck, use of credit/debit cards, bank accounts are all game to an addict. Routine household expenses, like rent, mortgage, insurance, utilities, food and clothing are no match for the power of dope.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to "support" his recovery and most supportive actions tend to enable addiction. It's his demon to fight or not.

I applaud your intentions to keep your children away from the chaos that is addiction and anyone in active addiction. You are a responsible parent.

hope213

((( heartbroken12)))) i feel your pain. i am sorry u r going thru all of this. you can not help him until he is ready to help himself. this is NOT your fault & he has got to fix this himself. you did not CAUSE this, you can not Control this & you can not CURE this. you said you will have to raise your kids, go to school & work all by yourself. isn't that what u r doing now? he can not b trusted. read around, find a face to face meeting & keep coming back this will not get any better. focus on you & what you have to do to survive. prayers going up.

TMZ

Welcome, thanks for sharing. I know it is hard, but we all help one another with our stories and situations. Anger is normal, we have all been there.

You throw them out like you did. They have to seek help and you can't help them. You have to help you. Go to a nar-anon f2f meeting and keep posting here. With all the experience here we can help you through this. But there is no quick fix.

hopeful0323

I know how you feel heartbroken. My AXBF is also a heroin addict. We also have two kids together. They always lie about the extent of their use. At first AXBF tried telling me he "just snorted it", until I found the needles and track marks on his arms. It is completely normal to be angry. And as far as throwing him out, you are protecting your children. As a mother, it is your right to protect your children at all costs. I know the pain that this addictions brings on as a significant other. My AXBF and I seperated 4 months ago, and I am still heartbroken and mourning the loss of the family I thought we had. My kids struggle with abandonment issues with their father, since he does not see them (by his own choice) very often. It is the hardest thing I have ever been through. But I get stronger every day and the kids have a much more stable life when he is not around creating chaos.