chicory

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This could not be more true. Some days, I can just barely keep from breaking at the sorrow of lost hope. I try to figure out whether to keep hoping or not. Sometimes, often, I feel it is hopeless for my son. He is so in denial, that I cannot see the hope. I am seeing the denial as a very strong wall, and the more stubborn the person is, the stronger the wall.
Thank you so much for this post, and I wish we could do this weekly. I need the connection and the insight from those who have experience with this situation.
hugs to all , and prayers for your needs.

tjp613

You know, we really ARE lucky in at least one respect: We have at least some clarity about "what to do" in this situation. When we first started this drama 4 years ago I immediately turned to my friend who happens to be the executive director of a non-profit drug and alcohol treatment program here. She hooked us up with her best counselor who was extremely helpful. We immediately joined their parents support group. Later, when he went to rehab we went for family week and got an even better education. Then I found SR and had 24/7 access to real people with real stories....and unlimited loving support. I've read probably 6-8 books relating to this disease. I watched the HBO series in its entirety. God only knows how many web pages I've viewed. So, all in all, I feel I'm well-educated and equipped to help myself and my family in this situation. I feel like I'm doing the right things, but it's still incredibly hard.

Can you imagine the chaos if you didn't have those kinds of tools??? I shudder to think...

Anyway, it's Friday! I hope you all have a good day today. I have a very unpleasant task to take care of tomorrow and it's hanging over my head. Lots on my plate and not sleeping well. BUT I'm OK. I will be OK. One day at a time, right?

XOXO

Hurtbad2505

My AS is especially hard to detach from as he really has no friends left to speak of. He spent so many years surrounding himself with the drug users of this town, that all the ones who didn't let drugs rule their life have moved on. He's ripped off most of his druggie friends, so all he really has left are the 'prescription' dealers that call him every month.

After a particularly nasty go round with the Xanax this last month, he has been left 1. Out of the house 2. charged with dui 3. suspended from his job for a day for not showing up for his shift, and being late two times last month. 4. beat up car with missing side lamp and no inspection (and I expect no insurance)*see #2 5. Mom telling him I can't help you with any of this, it's yours to handle. When the citation came in the mail for the dui, I handed it to him and he asked if I had opened it (in the past I would not only open it, but arrange for him to have a PD, drive him to the court, etc.) I said, 'no, and I don't need to know anything about it, it's on you'

One good outcome is that he actually said out loud that his life is out of control and he needs help. Changed his phone number and deleted his contacts. He did look into an inpatient treatment but doesn't want to quit his job to go... Anyway, he has gone to NA meetings for the last three nights and claims he is going to do 90 in 90. I sure hope so.

See this is the point where I find my anxiety rising and I have to make a conscious effort to pull myself away from the expectation that he just may do it right this time. I've been disappointed so many times that I think my mind is rejecting the idea that recovery could actually happen. I really have been doing better as I learn to use the tools I've learned here on SR and Naranon. When I find myself 'going there' I use the mantra(s) Hands off the addict. Pray instead of worry. Have hope but no expectations. Live life and laugh often

Two years ago I wouldn't begin to know how to do any of that...now it saves my life

tjp613

My exH tells me that my AS called him at 2:00am to pull him out of a ditch last night.

3 weeks ago his sister told me that he wrecked his car (slightly) by running into a pole.

The good news is that he knows better than to call ME to pull him out of a ditch.

The bad news is that he's still not making the connection between his crappy "luck" and his drug use.

Hurtbad2505

I don't know how old your son is, but mine is 25 and I think he is just now realizing that his bad luck is brought on by his bad choice. Obviously, that doesn't mean he will never make another one, but every little 'lightbulb' moment helps I suppose

tjp613

Mine's 20 and we've been on this roller coaster for 4 years. He's been almost completely on his own since mid-May. His dad still enables a bit but he's getting better, too.

Serenity Bound

tjp, Thank you for starting this thread. The more I go to meetings, conventions, workshops....the more parents I see in our same situation. Sometimes I personally feel it is the letting go of those dreams for our children that is the hardest to do. Oh yeah, the entire addiction journey is incredibly hard, but letting go of those dreams, well that's just heart-breaking.

To be able to share our experience, strength and hope with each other is a gift to both the giver and the receiver. As they say in the program, you have to give it away to keep it.

I have let go of those initial dreams. Now I hang onto hope. Hope that my AD will remain in recovery, hope that my AD will fully embrace recovery and hope that I will do the same.

tjp613

I got a bit of good news and reason to hope today. My AS called to tell me he's going to visit a Navy and Air Force recruiter tomorrow! I think that would be an awesome option for him. It was great to hear his voice. I haven't talked to him or seen him since mid-May.

Prayers please!?!?

Angelic17

tjp613 I remember you saying you were going to start this thread. I thought it was an excellent idea. I am so glad you did. I am the mother of an addict, and I am also a recovered addict. I know what my sons addiction has done to me, and it's not pretty. I didn't eat or sleep for a couple of years. I suffered hair loss, and trauma as a result of it all. I ran and chased, and cried, and screamed. I did everything and anything to stop my sons drug abuse. Rehabs, therapists, doctors, suboxone, you name it I did it for him, which by the way didn't help, and didn't change a thing. I had already lost my brother to a heroin overdose, and the thought of losing my only child was unbearable. It took me a long time to realize that I was powerless over anyone other than myself.

Naranon helped me to see that my son's life was not more important than my own. Even though at first I didn't believe that. And this site has helped me to understand the difference between helping, and enabling. I also learned about codependency. I have read so many heartbreaking posts from others who have lost loved ones due to addiction. Those posts never made me feel any better, because they are so sad. And I have compassion for others. But they have helped me to realize that I AM NOT ALONE in this crisis of addiction. I have found so much comfort and support on this site. This is a GOD SEND to me. Thank You for this thread. It really hits home for me.

I am happy to hear that your son is doing well and considering the Navy. I pray for the struggling addict on a daily basis, and your son will be included in my prayers. GOD BLESS HIM AND EVERY OTHER ADDICT THAT IS HOPING FOR CHANGE.

keepinon

TJP Good News!

Impurrfect

(((tjp))) - prayers being said for your AS for a new start, and for you because you're his mama and I can only imagine what you and the other parents are going through with addiction.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

gotahavfaith

I went to see my daughter at rehab yesterday. She looks good, she sounds good, she has a light in her eyes that I haven't seen for a long time. The counselors tell me she is working very hard on herself. They didn't have to tell me that tho, I see it for myself. I am proud of her for being clean for 79 days. She is trying to figure out who she is. She is looking at the good, the bad, and the ugly in herself and her past actions. She is taking GED classes, and is smiling about it. In 2004 she had a full ride to college. She is seeing the damage she has done to her intellect and spirit. She wants to start writing again, a passion (and a talent) that she used to have. These are great first steps and i think she is very courageous for doing this.

Even if she faulters, I am grateful that she has this time. What she learns will at least be there in the back of her mind. She will know how to get back up and start over again. Drugs can't take that away from her unless she chooses to let them.

I have also let go of those initial dreams that I had for my daughter and myself. But I have hope. Hope that we can both find our own recovery, our own paths. Faith that we can both get there. Hope that my daughter and I can both find the peace and serenity that we are looking for.

Saying a prayer for all of us parents and our children tonite.

Gotahavfaith

Angelic17

I'm in no way trying to hijack tjp316's thread, but gottahavfaith, I am thrilled for you and your daughter. That is such great news, and you deserve it. Your a great mother, and your daughter will be fine now. She has alot to live for, and she sounds like she is really working on her sobriety. You really couldn't ask for more at this point. God has answered many prayers for your family and a complete turn around for your daughter. You should be proud of her. She is doing one of the toughest things she will ever have to do in her life. I don't think she could have done this without your support. She's a lucky girl. GOD BLESS YOU and YOUR FAMILY.

:ghug3

FarawayFromCars

Thank you for this thread...I am the sister of an actively drinking alcoholic. I am detaching while my parents continue to enable and hang on, hoping they can make her better. I don't think I've thought enough that she (my sister) is her child, and to them, the situation is completely different....

cece1960

I am glad to have this thread, to share in some of the pain and joy that we parents of addicts experience. I'd love to report good things, but sadly at the moment AS is as bad as he's ever been. I hold onto the hope that he is currently experiencing the necessary pain of his addiction, that can sometimes lead to better decisions. its been a tough road lately, but I try not to let my good old SR tool box get far from my reach.

As a parent, I no longer think I can to fix him, but still struggle with not pitying him to the point of helping.

And as a contributing member of society, I'm finding it harder and harder to not spring the mama bear claws out everytime I hear a person say what I could've or should've done. Its so hypothetical to them, ya know?

But I hold on tight to hope, and weather through as best I can.

coolrobin2

Thank you for this post. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Angelic17

Sorry to hear that your addict son is doing badly. (tears) My tears fall for you, because I know exactly what your heart is feeling. I have been there, and even though my son is 3 months in to his recovery, I know that all can change in an instant with addiction. I left my thoughts of all of this being over after his 3rd rehab. It was then I finally realized that it might never be over. (((((((((((((((((CECE))))))))))))))))))) One thing I do know for sure is that there is always hope. That's what kept me from completely falling apart.
:ghug3

Sorry tjp316, I know this is your thread. But, I have to reach out to another mother who is suffering. I hope you don't mind.

THANK YOU TJP316 for this thread.

gotahavfaith

(((Cece)))
I can totally understand your pain. 4 months ago, my daughter was as bad as I had ever seen her, and I couldn't see a light at the end of the tunnel. But, God stepped in and did for her and I what we couldn't do for ourselves.

I am praying for that to happen for you and your son too.

I think this thread was started for us as parents to share ALL of the emotions that comes with loving a child that is also an addict.

Thanks TJP!

Gotahavfaith

Hurtbad2505

Well AS has gone to 4 meetings in the last 5 days, says he is 'done' with the Xanax but I have heard that before. He changed his cell number and cleared out his phone book (yeah he showed me).

We talk pretty much every day but I'm staying out of his (and his HP's) way. He did ask me for $5 the day before his payday for gas to get to work. I said sure, I'll meet you down at the gas station...I then proceeded to swipe my card and watch him pump the $5 in gas. He just said...I don't blame you mom.

Ahh, don't you wish detaching and letting go was as easy as it sounds to someone without an addict child..? After 5-6 years of dealing with one doc or another with him, I have been doing pretty well at detaching these days but now I need to work on the hope without expectation thing..

He mentioned that a girl at one of his meetings told him he should sign off on the 21 day detox from the methadone clinic and then go straight into rehab. He said it sounds ideal except he doesn't want to quit his job. She asked him what was more important. I don't think he has decided yet. Here I am hoping, but not expecting anything out of it

justjo

As my sons come home and walk through the door they give me a big hug and kiss and say hi mum! One of my sons thinks there is nothing wrong with drinking every night and he tells me Im just panicking, over reacting. I know he also uses drugs, he quit his job 2 weeks ago because he said he couldnt handle it anymore.
You would think he would know better hey, his auntie died from alcoholism liver failure last year and he knows what that did to me. I thought it may have opened his eyes somewhat, but no he continues.
I wonder how much I can take, I ask myself do I ask him to find his own place now, or hold onto the hope he will get it together.
So hard as a mum, I dont want to loose him too.