tjp613

This thread is for those of us who are the parents of addicts (or alcoholics). Parents have a unique position in this world of addiction and require a unique support system. Unlike boyfriends, girlfriends, wives, husbands or children, who can more easily detach, parents must constantly deal with acting absolutely counter-intuitively. Every cell in our body wants to "protect" and watch over our children to make sure they are safe....it's what we are born to do. BUT we have come to learn that "making sure they are safe" is not possible in this particular version of hell.

We need each other's help to constantly remember the difference between "helping" and "enabling". We need help to not be sucked into the vortex of self-destruction.

We have to get used to the idea that addiction could very well consume the very lives of our children who we cherish deeply. This is no easy feat.

God bless all of the addicts who struggle now....and the people who love them.

justjo

Thanks for this, I think it will be a great place to share.
Right now, I feel like I have been to hell and back (Im a pretty strong person, so this has helped me somewhat, but I am human after all and it all hurts)
I have 2 sons who do alcohol and drugs too, I have felt like a complete failure at times, thinking where did I go wrong? I thought I brought them up deceit, with values, being responsible and honest. I know that they are good people inside and I love them dearly. Sometimes as a mother though, its true, all you want is for them to be safe and happy. Time comes though when I have decided they are now adults, I have done what I had to do bringing them up (Of course Ill still be there) but its time for them to live their own lives and what will be, will be I guess. This is what I needed to accept, that I cant tell them what to do anymore (It all has been said) I cant stop their actions. All we can do is hope that they will be responsible caring adults and have good lives.

litehorse

As I read many of the posts of girlfriends, boyfriends, wives, husbands I thought the same thing - those people, although loved dearly, hold a far different position than a child - as parents we see the beauty in our children even when others may not - we keep believing far beyond the appropriate limits - it is so hard to give up the child we know and understand that the addict who has taken their place has to be treated so differently- i also wondered what i did wrong? what could i have done differently? what if i had done this or that? then i have to come back to today and remind myself that i can't change the past, i can't predict the future so i must live in the present and treat it as such - i pray for everyone who has to deal with this horrible situation -

vaya

I think as a parent one of the hardest things to deal with is to face the fact that you are powerless to help them other than by letting go and praying they'll finally reach some point where they want to stop using. I'm learning that the best thing I can do is to stop making it so easy and comfortable for my son by letting him stay here and use. I am only crippling him further if I continue to tolerate his using hoping he'll 'get better' while I provide the warm bed, food, etc.... I must remind myself that my son would not have learned to walk on his own if I kept him swaddled and prevented him from progressing in the natural order of things as an infant. In a sense I would have crippled him by being too overprotective and smothering. So it is with addiction and recovery. Many of the things our children have learned they have learned on their own, and some with our encouragement and guidance that they could do it. (ie riding a bike, tying their shoelaces, etc.)If we constantly tied their shoes for them they would never have learned to tie them themselves. There are definite parallels with allowing and guiding our children to recover from addiction, in that we have to let go and let them come to it on their own. If only addicition wasn't such a monster!! If only we didn't have to live in fear that they may die from it!!! But...even the mama bird must at some point nudge the baby out of the nest, lest it never learn to fly.

keepinon

Finally..our own thread! I know it's not right to compare. BUT I do look at the partners/spouses of addicts and think...LEAVE.. GO!!!!There is no reason you can't RUN for the HILLS! There have been times I want to run to Mexico and live there reinventing myself as someone who never had kids, but alas i cannot do that. To the spouses you can always say" Its not your fault" as parents..most of the world thinks that you caused it in one way or another. "parents need to get involved,etc..Keep your kids off drugs,,blah blah"So frustrating..really glad to have this thread! Thanks TJP1

Hope44

I too have ached and wallowed, thinking "what did I do wrong?" But then it dawned on me one day how God, a PERFECT father, had a child named Adam, and God put Adam in a PERFECT environment, and things still went south. And here *I* am? An imperfect parent raising imperfect children in an imperfect world? Even if the rest of the world is harsh or clueless, surely God understands the challenge and anguish we, as parents, feel. For me, this takes a huge weight off my shoulders. And heart.

We do what we can and we do our best. There isn't one parent on earth who wouldn't go back and do something differently, were they given the chance. As far as my AD, or any of my children, I am learning to embrace the fact that I am only responsible for my own part in parenting. I am not responsible for other's reactions, or what appears to be rejection of the love, support, and moral framework they were raised in.

So thankful for this thread.

Hope.

tjp613

So glad you are all here Awesome post, Hope. That's a comforting perspective.

Before this thread gets too long and this post gets 'buried', I wanted to recommend a book to any parent who has an addicted child.... it was so very helpful to me and one I will read again and again when I start to doubt myself: Don't Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children

Any other suggested reading?

katie44

My mother was an alcoholic although I found it heart wrenching to detach from her I did. Dealing with AS has been more difficult, heart wrenching. All of our hopes and dreams for his future were crushed. I never in a million years thought that that our hope and prayers would be for him to be clean from drugs. It used to be that we were concerned which College he would attend etc. Now our perspective has totally changed. Human nature is when your child is in pain, you try to help them with there problem. It takes many of us a long time to realize we are powerless over there addiction.

JMFburns

Thanks tjp, I'll check into that book.

"Every cell in our body wants to "protect" and watch over our children to make sure they are safe....it's what we are born to do." tjp
"as parents we see the beauty in our children even when others may not - we keep believing far beyond the appropriate limits - it is so hard to give up the child we know and understand that the addict who has taken their place has to be treated so differently" litehorse

I really relate to the above two quotes. I struggle with, every cell in my body screaming the desire, the natural parenting act, to take care of my son. Also, wanting to shout to the world (family, friends, coworkers, etc) all of the wonderful attributes that make up the human being that is my son. He's hilariously funny, witty, intuitive, smart, extremely sensitive, very kind and respectful. But . . . he is not a child, he is an adult who should be capable of taking care of himself. I raised him to the best of my ability. Yes, I made some mistakes, but they weren't life threatening and it WAS a decent foundation to "jump out of the nest" from. He made some choices that weren't the wisest, only he can make other choices, different choices, better choices.

Only I can focus on 'me' and learn each day, trust in my HP each day, love my son but not be sucked into any addiction, just be the best me I can be each day.

Kindeyes

tjp- Thank you for starting this post. It's exactly what I needed today.

Gentle hugs to all of the parents who are dealing with an addicted child. No matter how old they are, they will always be your child. Learning to detach but still love has been my hardest lesson in life. They say that God will never burden us beyond our ability to cope......but it makes we wonder who "they" are. I don't think "they" were the parents of an addicted child.

sojourner

One of the huge differences between being the parent of an addict versus the wife, friend, child, etc of an addict is this: I knew this child before he was an addict. I know the difference in his personality now versus then. I saw his "real" self emerging into adulthood. He shared his hopes, dreams, aspirations, talents with me. It is as if he has been kidnapped by this entity called addiction. No one else sees my son from that perspective.

Maybe that is why the grief is so deep for us parents. Maybe that is why we are more scared for our addicted loved ones whereas other people are more angry.

Anyway, good thread. I hope it continues...

Chino

A few years before my daughter jumped the shark, a business associate shared his personal situation with his son. He had to send him away for long term treatment for behavioral and emotional issues. He said the first thing the parents learned was that they had to let go of their dreams for their children. Every parent has them, every parent has to let go, but not every parent has to let go under extreme duress.

I never gave another thought to his words until my daughter began her journey into the world of addiction. Funny how they came right back to me, after all that time.

sojourner

"but not every parent has to let go under extreme duress."

Wow, Chino, what a powerful truth.

I have 2 other adult sons besides AS. Yes, I did have to let go of them also, but it was not under extreme duress. My goodness, what a difference. I almost had a nervous breakdown in that whole journey with AS - me, the rock of Gibraltor (sp). No wonder we are basket cases by the time we make it to the recovery tables/websites.

I guess those of us who are a little bit ahead in experience are really needed for the new parents coming on board.

Hurtbad2505

Thank you for starting this thread! I do feel for and pray for all the SO's of Addicts, brothers, sisters and aunts too. And I have gotten awesome, awesome advice from everyone on this site, But I get the greatest comfort from talking with other moms that are going through the same (scarily the same) situation as I am.

Hurtbad2505

Wow, this is so true....I have fully believed at times that I was going to have a nervous breakdown through all of this, still feel a little shaky but much, much stronger and a lot smarter about this addiction thing. Extreme Duress pretty much covers it.

My daughter is 22 and just out of college, engaged and planning to move across the country for Grad School. I feel nothing but joy for her and letting go isn't that hard when I know she's going in sound mind and body, and happy in her life. Also, I think the addicts don't want us to let go, which makes it that much harder...

Kindeyes

This is such a simple statement but I've never thought about it like that. I think this is so very true.

Chino

Both of my kids were in mom's day out preschool programs when they were 4.

My son wanted to go to kindergarten and let me know I could go home after he was assigned his seat. He looked at all the crying kids and moms like they were aliens.

My daughter was afraid of the transition and clung to me. I kept a stiff upper lip and left her crying, hurrying out the door before I lost it. I'm pretty sure my lack of visible tears upset her. She needed proof that I recognized her pain.

That's the way it's always been. Their personalities and temperaments are different, and I've finally learned what each one needs from me. My daughter needs to see emotion from me and my son does not unless it involves him specifically.

It's taken addiction to learn how to balance it.

Ann

This is a great thread. I don't think we can compare pain or measure pain by what our relationship with an addict is...each one of us has to deal with our own pain in our own way.

But I think it's good for the parents to be able to support each other because we understand more than anyone else on earth what it is like to watch a child on a path of self-destruction.

I'll share more later, but just wanted to stop by and give all the moms and dads here big hugs of gratitude because it is each of you who help me feel just a little bit better by knowing you care and understand. And because you share your light on days when I have trouble finding my own.

Love you all just for being here

gotahavfaith

Thank you TJP for this thread.

I am running short on time tonite, but I also will be back to keep up on this thread.
My daughter is 70-80 days into her 6 month inpatient rehab program and for that I am grateful. I have custody of her 2 children, 3 & 6. I just worked a LONG 9 hour work day today, took the kids to bible school, (I even learned something...lol), and let them swim for a little while, fed them dinner and put them to bed. This tired grandma is gonna get some sleep too. But even on a day like today, it was better than dealing with my daughters addiction and drama.

Wishing you all a good night's sleep tonight. You are all in my prayers tonight.

Gotahavfaith

vaya

Sojourner you have truly tapped into the essence of what being a parent of an addicted child is all about. When you say 'its as if he's been kidnapped by this entity called addiciton' you hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I feel in my A S situation and I'm sure many others too. No one other than a parent can fully empathize with our sense of grief and loss. It is so comforting to have this forum and to be able to relate to and share with other parents of addicts. Thank you tjp613 for starting it!