tjp613

justjo - I'm sorry for the pain you are in right now I understand how comforting it is to have your son close by so you can "watch over him". Just be careful that you are not losing yourself in his problems. Quitting his job because "he couldn't handle it" doesn't sound good. Where is he now getting the money for booze? Is he looking for a job? Does he help you with the house payment and chores?

kelsh

Our son was a quiet kid & never got in much trouble while still in school...he went to school every day & must have learned by osmosis because he failed his junior year by not doing any of the home work but did well in classroom work.

Before he left school that year he had taken the tests for military service & every one was calling asking him to come for an evaluation. He had scored the highest score in our county. He did join the navy for four years & did very well until he became depressed & started drinking when off duty.

He came home looking so handsome but had a bad alcohol problem that continued to get worse through the years until he was 33. He had lost two marriages, & four jobs in a row for drinking on the job.

He did go to in-patient alcohol & mental health treatment but none of this help stuck with him very long. We talked with him when he wanted to talk & of course he grew up with me drinking all of his childhood...i did get sober when he was in the navy. And when he was discharged i had gone back to college to get a ba degree in psychology and got a job at the mental health clinic in our county.

We saw him often even though he lived about 110 miles from us. He looked depressed & now was drinking all day into the night. One week after we went to take him and his wife out to lunch he did seem good & much less depressed...i should have recognized the signs especially when he called to ask me if i could pay off his wife's credit card which was up to $1500. I told him i would pay $500 but he said they wanted it all now.

Then we got a phone call from his wife that he had been in a car accident & wasn't good. His wife left at noon for her job at sears so he must have left soon after to buy beer and drove up into the mountains & when he was totally intoxicated he drove his truck over a cliff.

His dogs climbed up to the top & a car driving by saw blood on one of the dogs so got out to investigate. He had been up rock climbing. So he called 911 & he was taken to a close hospital to get somewhat stabilized & then was flown to seattle in a small jet to get him to harborview hospital which is associated with training docs from the university of wa. Medical center & the va medical center. He had tried to commit suicide but ended up a quadriplegic & be in a wheelchair or bed the rest of his life. He is forty years old now & has lots of different medical problems come up so goes back to the va hospital two or three times a year or sometimes spends a year there when he has pressure sores.

Someone mentioned it was like seeing their son or daughter through a window...i see my son as if we have a plexiglass window between us that gives & takes but not all knowing or trusting yet. He was home near us for a few years but got to the point that the care he needed was what the caregivers weren't allowed to do. So the social worker for our son found a very good adult family home for people with special needs and he gets very good care on this side of the mountains.

Sorry this is so long but i know the feelings i have inside of me never go all away...i try to work on my emotional feelings because nothing i can do can change what has happened. He is still our son...one of five children & he had a twin sister that died in a sids crib death when they were 41/2 months old.

I understand how it feels to lose a child & now to have a child in a man's broken body.


Kelsh

sojourner

Talked to AS on the phone the other day to touch base. Even though he's in this city, we only talk or eat lunch out every 1 or 2 months (my choice).

He sounds well, and that makes me sad. He has no car, no credit worthiness, no decent clothes, only low-paying jobs. But to make up for all that, he has a live-in girlfriend who is supplying him all those things. And they are the typical "cute" couple. What makes me sad is my underlying fear that my son will melt into this lifestyle, burn off too many brain cells (if it has not happened already), and never in his entire life get to a point where he wants to change. He's only 24.

rahsue

(Quote)...he bad news is that he's still not making the connection between his crappy "luck" and his drug use.(Quote)

I had to laugh when I read this, my son says the same thing, and when I say it wouldn't have happened if you weren't high, he doesn't even acknowledge that I said it, what denial. !!!

cece1960

My heart goes out to all that suffer. I am glad we have a place to share our feelings as we try as best we can to move past the pain and fear, and find happiness.

I walk with all of you my friends.

(((Hugs)))

Kindeyes

As I'm reading all of the posts here, the pain of all of these parents is palpable. Very intense.

I wish that the pain and sorrow that addiction brings to all of you will be lifted off of your shoulders and out of your hearts.

When I am truly embracing my recovery, that pain is lifted.....but it comes back when I let my guard down and stop working it. It's hard to keep my mind and heart at ease but it is possible.....I just have to work so hard at it. It's hard to concentrate when my beautiful son's life is such a shambles......but I do feel better when I stay focused on me and my healthy relationships.

gentle hugs to each and every one of you

keepinon

In my husbands family the "bad luck" was called "a black cloud " over the addicts head..definately nothing that happened was her fault! She got clean..family still sick......

Chino

My RAD's bf has his own apartment now and she's spent almost all of her time there. I've had zero problems with that until she came home and tried to hang out during the day on my time and in my space. She knows the deal, the rules haven't changed in the last 18 months. If she's going to be here during the day, she has to stay busy and keep me informed of what's going on.

I saw some confusion, immaturity and a defiant attitude. I ended up taking the house key back from her and asking her to leave. I don't have a problem with her moving out if that's what she wants to do, or giving her the time to do that if she needs a gradual transition. I just wish she'd let us know so we all might avoid drama, but I realize she may be conflicted and scared, acting out.

I shook it off pretty quick, but my husband and I are aware this might be a relapse in the making and not just growing pains. Hoping for the best and prepared for the worst.

Sunshine2

Sojourner, you could be posting about my son.

He is also 24 and I haven't spoken to him since the day he left in March. I sent him some emails to which I got a rude reply so I stopped. I know he went to live with his girlfriend, but I see they are not friends on FB anymore so I believe he has moved out. I have no idea where he is living.

I hope I am doing the right thing. We have had a bad relationship for many years and I have decided to step away totally. I often think of phoning him, but I am afraid that we will have an argument and I may do more damage than good. Then I wonder if I am just a coward and shouldn't I at least know where he is? The thing is, that person is not my son. That person is a rude, antagonistic addict that manipulates and accuses. My son is a sweet, gentle caring person that is hidden so deep I can't find him anymore. If I want to be brutally honest, I don't have any love for the addict. And yet, why does my heart ache so much?

I place my son in God's loving hands every morning and pray that I am doing the right thing and if not, that He should show me what else I should be doing.

tjp613

AS is on the fast track for Navy recruiting... passed his preliminary entrance exam with flying colors and goes for the 'real' exam + a physical on Monday. He's desperately trying to figure out how to get that dang THC out of his system by then. Hmmmph. Yeah, that's a problem alright!

Kindeyes

Bingo. For some reason this really hit home with me. I love that last line. I do that too.......place my son in God's hands.......and pray that I'm doing the right thing. But the part that I really love is....."and if not, that He should show me what else I should be doing". If you don't mind, I'll add that last little bit to my own prayer.

Thanks for sharing.

gentle hugs

justjo

Wheredoiturn and Kindeyes
This hit home with me too! and I just want to give you all here a big hug too if I may.
:ghug3

gotahavfaith

This was a very powerful statement to me. Very real and honest. You followed it up with your love and compassion and hope for your sweet, gentle caring son that has gotten lost.

I think that is the best way we can love our addicted children. I hope your son finds his way.

Thanks for sharing.

Gotahavfaith.

Angelic17

Your heart aches so much because you love your son so much, and he is sick with addiction. It's a very painful and serious situation for you and him. You love your son, and you hate his addiction. It's horrible. Watching the boy you gave birth to turn into a completely different person is torture for a mtoher to witness. He is buried under his drug use, and when you talk to him or deal with him now, you talk to his drug of choice or his addicted brain. There is no reasoning with him. I too had to place my son in GOD's hands. But my problem was I kept taking him back. I wanted to fix him, and I couldn't. That drove me crazy, and I wound up getting sick over it. There was nothing I could do, and I wouldn't accept that for the longest time.

Trust in GOD is a beautiful thing, and never give up or stop praying for your son, because GOD will hear you and answer you. There is still hope, and I pray that your son and every other addict finds the recovery they so desperately need. My heart goes out to you. Your screename says it all. The answer to your screename is GOD. At least for me it was. Thank You for this post. It hit a nerve with me, because I can truly relate. :ghug3

Sunshine2

Thank you.

tjp613

Bumping this thread up for the parents out there....

keepinon

omg..read the response from liesagain about getting a page for parents..feeling pretty attacked and would like to know if I am overreacting Its on the responses for Group for Parents? post.

Hurtbad2505

You are not over reacting. I don't think us parents have it any 'worse' than anyone else who loves an addict. but it really is different....can't 'divorce' your child. Can't move on to another 'love'..coz they always will be the most important love in your heart.

I pull strength from a lot of posts from a lot of different forums here. Not sure why a 'Parents' forum would be such a stretch.

Serenity Bound

I certainly agree with the fact that we can't get a divorce, can't move on, and in that way it makes us different from perhaps a spouse. I personally believe that the pain we each feel is the same, no matter if we are a mom, dad, sister, brother, son, daughter, spouse or SO. Though our stories may differ somewhat, our pain, and loss unite us in a way that dismisses our differences.

gotahavfaith

I read back thru these posts and I what I saw was alot of loving, caring people. I really didn't see anybody thinking their pain was worse, just different. I pray for all the family members that are suffering and trying to deal with this horrible disease.

Gotahavfaith