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I need help and advice on my ex who I love dearly and don't know what to do.

Old 02-04-2010, 02:35 AM
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I need help and advice on my ex who I love dearly and don't know what to do.

Hi... I don't even know where to start.. All I know is myself I'm severely depressed about my ex gf. I don't even know how to begin this whole story...

It started I went to this restaurant where my friend from high school works.. i was eating one day and she said hey my coworker thinks your cute... next thing i know as shes bringing my food out she brought me a post it note with her coworkers number on it..

After a while her coworker came over with a fresh beer for me and said i dont usually do this but thought you were cute so use that number... So I did. i texted her later that night...

Well we talked and hit things off really well in my opinion.. We went on our first date to the movies and i had a great time.. i was very nervous and a gentlemen.. I opened the door for her every time and got her tickets and popcorn and picked her up at her apt too.. I was nervous on the goodbye.

I wanted to kiss her soo bad but didn't i told her i wanted to wait.

Sorry if none of this sounds right.. I'm very emotional right now

Anyways.. We hit it off great she said she was having fun with me and i was a new guy in her life and something fresh and exciting. A few weeks down the road she had planned a vacation and was leaving for Hawaii, i was totally fine with it... a week before that, we were out at the bar having an amazing talk and she looked at me and said... babe just wondering what our status is... I said, I would say we're a couple hun. And that's when we were official.. Ahh man you shoulda seen my face I was the happiest guy in the world cause i knew i had a gf, and had been single for so long.

I was single for so long cause its hard for me to open up the door to my heart and let someone in cause ive been hurt before, but i felt right with this girl.. Anyways she was gone on vacation in Hawaii and while she was gone the whole time i felt weak

I missed her so much, we talked every now and then for a few minutes but i was giving her space letting her enjoy herself.. she went to visit an old friend and i was fine with it.. Im in no way the jealous type..

She finally came home and i was so happy.. It was a few days before Halloween and im a romantic. i went and picked her up a plastic pumpkin bucket and put her favorite candy in it, and got her a gift card to Victoria secret and got her a card and wrote in it all the amazing qualities i saw in her..

Anyways when i picked her up from the airport i hugged and kissed her.. and gave her present.. it made her cry, and i knew it was a happy cry and i felt so amazing inside...

well this is when i found out she was an addict that day... She said hey baby i need to pick something up from a friend i didn't question.. but later on that night we were out having drinks and came home and i saw her take this pill and crush it up then snort it.. i asked what is that babe.. she said oh nothing don't worry it makes me feel better

Well apparently years ago she got into a bad car accident and part of the wreck left her back pretty bad..

She said hun don't worry its a pain killer it makes my back feel better..
I said okay hun that's fine... Well it was roxicodone aka "blues" i guess.. I found out shes an addict.

I guess she felt better that she finally told me her i guess "lil secret" i was fine with it cause i didn't know much about it, all i knew was she felt better..

It all started i guess before she met me when she dated this guy for years and they use to do them together..

Anyways... she eventually would be at work and ask me to go to her dealer and get them for her so i did.. I didn't think of it.. I'm in love ya know i would so anything

Im rambling now let me get to the point

Anyways the ex bf came back into the picture he moved back home here. and the whole time we were together i found out she was still talking to him. Guess she never stopped loving him. I looked through her texts and saw very hurtful texts

Now shes my ex and broke up with me cause she said she needs to be alone and that shes broken and doesn't know how to love anyone. She said i was perfect and amazing and didn't want to hurt me at all.

I guess that was the addict in her talking or something

Well her and the ex are back together i guess kinda they hangout a lot and spend the night together. and yes he does blues too

I don't even know where im going with this story.. Im just so in love with her still and want her back so badly

Is it that maybe i was a "fill in bf" while the other guy was away??

I did everything right for her... I helped her try to get clean i took her to a clinic, cause she didn't have health insurance and paid for her to get suboxone

She quit taking them cause its so expensive when you don't have health insurance

I don't know what to think i just want to get someones opinion ya know..

I finally got some closure i guess with her

She said that her ex was the only one she loved and got love back from in return. He left cause he had a job opportunity and eventually moved back cause i guess he quit or missed her or something

She told me it was nothing i did, but that she just wanted to be alone and find herself

She repeated over and over to me that shes broken and doesn't know how to love, and doesn't know how to love her self

Is that how addicts feel??
This was the first addict i ever dated so im not familiar with any of it..

I just know i fell in love with a beautiful happy go lucky girl that was bright and had a lot to give

Theres not a day or moment where i cant think of her or wonder what shes doing
Its so damn hard for me cause i always cry and look at her pictures.

Like i said she talked to me and said that she still loves me i think. But just needs to do her for now and figure out what she wants

But now shes back hanging with her ex.. Maybe its cause they both do blues so they enable each other and its better that way??
Cause ive never done pills in my life, so she couldn't really relate with me you think?

She said she has been doing well for a while not taking them, he ex is still buying and popping them but told me she hasn't done any, but has just been smoking put and doing coke now and then

Is it just easy for an addict to always lie cause its an escape and easy way out for them??

I put so much time and effort in this 2 month relationship and feel so heartbroken and used

Like i wonder if shes thinking shes going to be with him forever and want to marry him, or was it she just missed the old time memories and what they shared for 2 years and me and her dated 2 months that she wanted him back

I just didn't get my chance to make something happen out of the relationship.. I wanted to try and help her with everything and make her better..

Is it that the person needs to do it on their own? That maybe she wasn't ready and i couldn't help her yet cause the pills were a way to just escape reality???

It hurt so much when i would see her pop them or snort them.. She acted fine and normal. But just did them daily to numb her "back pain"

I just don't know what to think.. I feel like i don't want any other girl in the world but her.. I still love her so much and cry and get sad when i think shes with him and broke up with me..

I guess she wanted to get back with him cause of their 2 year relationship and plus he popped pills to so it was a comfort thing and they related perfectly to each other..

Is that how it works two druggies are a match made in heaven cause they understand each other and enable each other and there isn't any judging going on between them??

I feel like i want to see a therapist but i don't have the money to spend on one.. Its hard to talk to my family and friends about it cause they don't really understand

Only I do and her cause I went through it and am now alone..

I would do anything for that girl, we never fought or argued everything was peachy.. and then boom one day saw the texts and guess she wasn't over him and was keeping me around for a while

Why do drugs do this to people.. It makes them lie all the time??

Theres times i feel like i don't want to go on anymore cause i miss her so damn much. and she doesn't really give me the time or day..

We broke up and i hadn't heard from her for about a month till recently

I had some belongings of her she wanted back so i brought them to her and i will admit it was really hard and weird for me to see her.. I wanted to hug her and not let her go, i wanted to kiss her soft lips and just hold her tightly forever

Well recently shes been like lemme know if you wanna watch a movie and chill... And when i say you wanna hang to watch that movie she comes up with an excuse..

So i don't know if shes just mentally playing minds games with me or what...

I really wonder if when she said she loved me all the time if she really meant it.

Cause i asked her and looked her dead in the eyes and said babe while we were together did you love me and meant it. She said yes.. and i was like why did you always text and talk to your ex while you were with me

She said... cause i love him and always will i just didn't want to hurt you and like being with you.. but you know that all came crashing to an end.

So i guess where only friends now..

But i like this saying..

If you love something let it go.. if it was meant to be it will come back to you...

So you think if she really meant she will love me, and comes to find one day she loves herself and gets clean, and meant all those times she said i was perfect and didn't deserve her cause i did everything right that she will come back to me??

Cause i know i want to go back to her so badly

I can sleep at night unless i hold her sweater that she left at my house that she doesn't know about, i cant help to get sappy and cry to certain songs when i hear them on the radio.. EVERYTHING reminds me of her

I drive by her apt knowing full well that her ex is there cause i see his car and just wonder whats going on.. Sometimes he doesn't stay there but i still drive by and want to get out of my car and throw a rock at her window so she looks out or knock on her door..

Its so harddddddd. Why does love do this, plus it seems especially more hard since shes an addict.

She doesn't want to go into rehab she refuses. So what can i do for her now, what i want to help her, i know she will be a good person, mother, friend, companion in life. She just needs a beginning.

I would do anything for her even though we aren't a couple anymore, Cause im just a genuine person like that and care about others before me..

PLEASE give me some feed back, ask me questions, give me advice, thoughts , opinions, anything will help me!
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Old 02-04-2010, 05:30 AM
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Welcome to SR!

You sound like a loving, caring, sensitive person. And you deserve someone who can give you the same in return. You exGF is right, active addicts are broken people, they don't love themselves, so they can't love you the real way in return.

Read the sticky posts at the top of this forum... esp. "What Addicts Do" and "Let me Fall". Learn all you can about addiction ... very good reading on this forum.
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Old 02-04-2010, 05:43 AM
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Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what brought you here.

I'm an RA (recovering addict), as well as someone who has loved ones who are addicts. I had to walk away from my ex bf because he was still using, though I loved him dearly.

I do have to say, that part of what she said is true - when we are active in our addiction, we CAN'T give/show love to anyone else or ourselves, for that matter....our mind is focused on our DOC (drug of choice). If she is anything like me, the fact that her now bf uses, also, well that makes it easier to continue with the addiction.

You say you want her back, but honestly, you don't even know who the "real" her is - you know what the addict her is. Addiction is progressive and it gets bad...really, really bad. ((Rayofsunshine)) is right - please read the sticky posts at the top of the forum - there is a lot of valuable information and insight up there.

We all want to think "MY ---- would never stoop that low" but if you stick around long enough and the addiction continues, you will experience things you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

I'm also a codie (codependent) - most of us here, are. We think we can love them enough to get them well. It doesn't work that way. I had people that loved me dearly, but the only reason I got clean is because they all loved me enough to step back and let me face the consequences of of my actions.

You may want to read some other posts here - you'll see that you're not alone in loving an addict, but you'll also get a picture of what life with an addict is truly like.

I know you're heart feels as if it is breaking, but keep posting, reading and hang around with us for a while. There IS life after loving an A (addict and/or alcoholic). I'm living proof.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 02-04-2010, 06:11 AM
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hi welcome to sr. my heart is breaking for you, you sound like such a loving person. i know you do love your gf but you deserve the same love back and like she said, she can't be that. i'm so sorry.

for someone who don't know much about addiction, you seemed to have figured out most of the answers to your own questions. yes, addiction is like that. my husband of 23yrs is the addict in my life, 2yrs ago i had to separate myself from him and his addiction. i was going insane trying to help him.

what helped me and might help you, remove anything that reminds you of her, the sweater, the music, put it away. make a decision not to allow yourself to think about her good or bad. do thinks that will keep your mind occupied. try not to think "forevere" do what you need to do one day at a time. imo, she has done you a huge favor, living with addiction is so much worse than what it is for you now.

search your area for alanon or naranon f2f meetings, you will find others will can relate to what you are going through and can help you get through all of this and help you to learn to keep the focus on you and not obsess about her.

i know its hard and it hurts but one day at a time, it does get easier. i'll add you and her to my prayer list.
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Old 02-04-2010, 07:17 AM
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Originally Posted by sct8517 View Post

She told me it was nothing i did, but that she just wanted to be alone and find herself..... Believe her.

She repeated over and over to me that shes broken and doesn't know how to love, and doesn't know how to love her self...... Believe her.

I feel like i want to see a therapist but i don't have the money to spend on one..

You had money to date and buy her suboxone. Use the money you would have spent, having face to face time with a therapist.

She said... cause i love him and always will i just didn't want to hurt you and like being with you.. Believe her.

I drive by her apt knowing full well that her ex is there cause i see his car and just wonder whats going on.. Sometimes he doesn't stay there but i still drive by and want to get out of my car and throw a rock at her window so she looks out or knock on her door.. Now this is just weird...you are stalking her. Stop it before you make yourself sick or get into trouble with the law.

So what can i do for her now, what i want to help her, i know she will be a good person, mother, friend, companion in life.

This is a hopeful fanasty.
Take drugs out of this, for a moment. Sounds like you have known her for 2 months and fell head over heels. Then you learned you really did not know her at all, given she is just not that into you. And this really, really sucks.

Please consider hooking up with a grief counselor and get some face to face support for codependency. Just because you love someone does not mean they have to love you back, the same way. Just because you love someone, does not mean you have any control over them or what they do, or not.

You sound like a good guy who deserves to treat himself better than you have been doing. Heal thyself.
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Old 02-04-2010, 08:11 AM
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Wow, I am sorry you are hurting so badly, sometimes bad things happen to good people.

I don't wish addiction on anyone. Not my worst enemy.

You have a choice now, as bad as things may be right now this could possibly be the best for you. She's an addict. She doesn't want to be clean. And right now she is not using you (remember her asking you to go to her dealer for her?) one day your going to be glad for that.

Let me explain why, read this site, read the stickies up top, read posts from people here who have loved addicts, read about the pain and despair it has caused them. Look at some of us who lived for years with an addict, who nearly lost thier sanity trying to cope, ended up suicidal and totally broken down. Then read about how we finally started getting better, started focusing on ourselves, working on our problems and healing ourselves.

Your better off without her. I know you don't see that right now. All you know is the addicted side of her, thats all you have seen, you don't know the real her. And beleive me, the real her is very different.

If you love her let her go. If she gets sober down the line and in a strong recovery then maybye you'll hear from her again.

In the meantime introduce yourself to someone you don't know very well, yourself.

Hugs
Teggie
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