Hi... I don't even know where to start.. All I know is myself I'm severely depressed about my ex gf. I don't even know how to begin this whole story...
It started I went to this restaurant where my friend from high school works.. i was eating one day and she said hey my coworker thinks your cute... next thing i know as shes bringing my food out she brought me a post it note with her coworkers number on it..
After a while her coworker came over with a fresh beer for me and said i dont usually do this but thought you were cute so use that number... So I did. i texted her later that night...
Well we talked and hit things off really well in my opinion.. We went on our first date to the movies and i had a great time.. i was very nervous and a gentlemen.. I opened the door for her every time and got her tickets and popcorn and picked her up at her apt too.. I was nervous on the goodbye.
I wanted to kiss her soo bad but didn't i told her i wanted to wait.
Sorry if none of this sounds right.. I'm very emotional right now
Anyways.. We hit it off great she said she was having fun with me and i was a new guy in her life and something fresh and exciting. A few weeks down the road she had planned a vacation and was leaving for Hawaii, i was totally fine with it... a week before that, we were out at the bar having an amazing talk and she looked at me and said... babe just wondering what our status is... I said, I would say we're a couple hun. And that's when we were official.. Ahh man you shoulda seen my face I was the happiest guy in the world cause i knew i had a gf, and had been single for so long.
I was single for so long cause its hard for me to open up the door to my heart and let someone in cause ive been hurt before, but i felt right with this girl.. Anyways she was gone on vacation in Hawaii and while she was gone the whole time i felt weak
I missed her so much, we talked every now and then for a few minutes but i was giving her space letting her enjoy herself.. she went to visit an old friend and i was fine with it.. Im in no way the jealous type..
She finally came home and i was so happy.. It was a few days before Halloween and im a romantic. i went and picked her up a plastic pumpkin bucket and put her favorite candy in it, and got her a gift card to Victoria secret and got her a card and wrote in it all the amazing qualities i saw in her..
Anyways when i picked her up from the airport i hugged and kissed her.. and gave her present.. it made her cry, and i knew it was a happy cry and i felt so amazing inside...
well this is when i found out she was an addict that day... She said hey baby i need to pick something up from a friend i didn't question.. but later on that night we were out having drinks and came home and i saw her take this pill and crush it up then snort it.. i asked what is that babe.. she said oh nothing don't worry it makes me feel better
Well apparently years ago she got into a bad car accident and part of the wreck left her back pretty bad..
She said hun don't worry its a pain killer it makes my back feel better..
I said okay hun that's fine... Well it was roxicodone aka "blues" i guess.. I found out shes an addict.
I guess she felt better that she finally told me her i guess "lil secret" i was fine with it cause i didn't know much about it, all i knew was she felt better..
It all started i guess before she met me when she dated this guy for years and they use to do them together..
Anyways... she eventually would be at work and ask me to go to her dealer and get them for her so i did.. I didn't think of it.. I'm in love ya know i would so anything
Im rambling now let me get to the point
Anyways the ex bf came back into the picture he moved back home here. and the whole time we were together i found out she was still talking to him. Guess she never stopped loving him. I looked through her texts and saw very hurtful texts
Now shes my ex and broke up with me cause she said she needs to be alone and that shes broken and doesn't know how to love anyone. She said i was perfect and amazing and didn't want to hurt me at all.
I guess that was the addict in her talking or something
Well her and the ex are back together i guess kinda they hangout a lot and spend the night together. and yes he does blues too
I don't even know where im going with this story.. Im just so in love with her still and want her back so badly
Is it that maybe i was a "fill in bf" while the other guy was away??
I did everything right for her... I helped her try to get clean i took her to a clinic, cause she didn't have health insurance and paid for her to get suboxone
She quit taking them cause its so expensive when you don't have health insurance
I don't know what to think i just want to get someones opinion ya know..
I finally got some closure i guess with her
She said that her ex was the only one she loved and got love back from in return. He left cause he had a job opportunity and eventually moved back cause i guess he quit or missed her or something
She told me it was nothing i did, but that she just wanted to be alone and find herself
She repeated over and over to me that shes broken and doesn't know how to love, and doesn't know how to love her self
Is that how addicts feel??
This was the first addict i ever dated so im not familiar with any of it..
I just know i fell in love with a beautiful happy go lucky girl that was bright and had a lot to give
Theres not a day or moment where i cant think of her or wonder what shes doing
Its so damn hard for me cause i always cry and look at her pictures.
Like i said she talked to me and said that she still loves me i think. But just needs to do her for now and figure out what she wants
But now shes back hanging with her ex.. Maybe its cause they both do blues so they enable each other and its better that way??
Cause ive never done pills in my life, so she couldn't really relate with me you think?
She said she has been doing well for a while not taking them, he ex is still buying and popping them but told me she hasn't done any, but has just been smoking put and doing coke now and then
Is it just easy for an addict to always lie cause its an escape and easy way out for them??
I put so much time and effort in this 2 month relationship and feel so heartbroken and used
Like i wonder if shes thinking shes going to be with him forever and want to marry him, or was it she just missed the old time memories and what they shared for 2 years and me and her dated 2 months that she wanted him back
I just didn't get my chance to make something happen out of the relationship.. I wanted to try and help her with everything and make her better..
Is it that the person needs to do it on their own? That maybe she wasn't ready and i couldn't help her yet cause the pills were a way to just escape reality???
It hurt so much when i would see her pop them or snort them.. She acted fine and normal. But just did them daily to numb her "back pain"
I just don't know what to think.. I feel like i don't want any other girl in the world but her.. I still love her so much and cry and get sad when i think shes with him and broke up with me..
I guess she wanted to get back with him cause of their 2 year relationship and plus he popped pills to so it was a comfort thing and they related perfectly to each other..
Is that how it works two druggies are a match made in heaven cause they understand each other and enable each other and there isn't any judging going on between them??
I feel like i want to see a therapist but i don't have the money to spend on one.. Its hard to talk to my family and friends about it cause they don't really understand
Only I do and her cause I went through it and am now alone..
I would do anything for that girl, we never fought or argued everything was peachy.. and then boom one day saw the texts and guess she wasn't over him and was keeping me around for a while
Why do drugs do this to people.. It makes them lie all the time??
Theres times i feel like i don't want to go on anymore cause i miss her so damn much. and she doesn't really give me the time or day..
We broke up and i hadn't heard from her for about a month till recently
I had some belongings of her she wanted back so i brought them to her and i will admit it was really hard and weird for me to see her.. I wanted to hug her and not let her go, i wanted to kiss her soft lips and just hold her tightly forever
Well recently shes been like lemme know if you wanna watch a movie and chill... And when i say you wanna hang to watch that movie she comes up with an excuse..
So i don't know if shes just mentally playing minds games with me or what...
I really wonder if when she said she loved me all the time if she really meant it.
Cause i asked her and looked her dead in the eyes and said babe while we were together did you love me and meant it. She said yes.. and i was like why did you always text and talk to your ex while you were with me
She said... cause i love him and always will i just didn't want to hurt you and like being with you.. but you know that all came crashing to an end.
So i guess where only friends now..
But i like this saying..
If you love something let it go.. if it was meant to be it will come back to you...
So you think if she really meant she will love me, and comes to find one day she loves herself and gets clean, and meant all those times she said i was perfect and didn't deserve her cause i did everything right that she will come back to me??
Cause i know i want to go back to her so badly
I can sleep at night unless i hold her sweater that she left at my house that she doesn't know about, i cant help to get sappy and cry to certain songs when i hear them on the radio.. EVERYTHING reminds me of her
I drive by her apt knowing full well that her ex is there cause i see his car and just wonder whats going on.. Sometimes he doesn't stay there but i still drive by and want to get out of my car and throw a rock at her window so she looks out or knock on her door..
Its so harddddddd. Why does love do this, plus it seems especially more hard since shes an addict.
She doesn't want to go into rehab she refuses. So what can i do for her now, what i want to help her, i know she will be a good person, mother, friend, companion in life. She just needs a beginning.
I would do anything for her even though we aren't a couple anymore, Cause im just a genuine person like that and care about others before me..
PLEASE give me some feed back, ask me questions, give me advice, thoughts , opinions, anything will help me!