sofacat

Today is day 23 of AH not living at home. Things for me are getting much better. I am starting to look at Him differently, because I am seeing the addiction much differently. It's not "personal" to me and I am feeling very sad for him. Not the kind of sad, where it gets to Me....the kind of sad you feel when you know someone is lost and confused. The biggest difference here is that I do not feel the need to save him from himself. I have to save me from myself.

We have spoken on a few occasions, actually on the phone last night for a few minutes. I am keeping things "light" and talk to him as I would talk to anyone. I keep the focus on Me and for the first time I don't badger him with questions or go "fishing".

He tells Me he is working a lot. Just got home from SC, and will be traveling for the next 3 months. Says he wants to work all he can right now and keep himself busy.

Busy is good, but I can't help but wonder if he is hiding in his work and avoiding the "real work" of recovery. His choice though.

Staying with his parents has not been good for him, I know. They don't talk about feelings...and I can see he has reverted back to not showing how he is feeling. The wall went back up, and he's playing business as usual. So sad. The addict is winning.

I am okay though. For the first time in my life I am not trying to play "shrink" to force him out of his shell. I don't feel the need or desire. So that's amazing! (it does come into my head at times, truthfully...but I just keep remembering the first step.) He's not as "angry" when we speak...distant, but not angry. He's not smiling at all and I know he's "protesting". He hasn't expressed one real emotion about what has been happening, and that is the only thing that could change the way things are. I think in his head he is still playing "the victim" here...and because of that...I know he is not working the program. Once again, his choice.

We will be meeting at some point this weekend to finalize things. I am not sure how I will handle it emotionally, but I know now to reach out if I find myself in "an icky dark place."

I have noticed a lot of things about me that has changed for the better. I am actually keeping a journal of the things I see myself doing differently. I find myself surprising myself, and it always makes me smile.

I am a 42 year old woman, I am on my fourth codependent romantic relationship....I am breaking the cycle and "kicking the habit". I need to, I want to and I have to push through....for me.

This has been a very interesting journey, and is not at all easy. (as you all are well aware). But IMO, having him out of the house has been the absolute best thing for Me. I have forced myself to make the change and pushed through slippery times, and I am starting to see the light.

I haven't been posting daily's because I am to a point right now where I need to be quiet, listen, and learn.

I haven't been going to meetings. I have been reading books, and coming here. I need to force myself to get out there, but there aren't very many meetings available to Me on the days and times they are available.

There is only 1 NarAnon meeting in my city, and I wish someone could open up more. This town is ripe with drug addicts, and I know there are many friends and family out there that could use the support. I haven't been able to "bond" with anyone from AlaNon, I don't feel "connected" to people living with alcoholics. I need to work on that.

So that's my morning "coffee" post. I hope you all find yourselves having a wonderful day...and I am so grateful to have you and SR. It has literally saved my life.

MsPINKAcres

I can so relate to that "sad" feeling for them - not in a co-dependent way - but that loss of person that you enjoyed being with.

Praying you have a PINKFUL day,
HUGS,
Rita

coffeedrinker

I relate to every single thing you said, Sofa.

You have much to be proud of!

After my ex-husband (alcoholic) moved out, I suspected that he was depressed. Even without knowing it, I did know it, as I know him so well. That made me feel bad, but not responsible. He too comes from a family that doesn't "talk about it" and where appearances are almost as important as what lies underneath. This has been so hard and so painful for him, and he almost emerged victorious, but eventually retreated.

My 17-year-old daughter told me just the other day that his now-girlfriend asked her a couple years ago what alateen is. Taylor told her. She then asked "oh, who in your life is an alcoholic?" My daughter was floored.

You are doing so great - keep it up!

Teggie

Good job Sofa, you keep it up!

I've noticed I have triggers, it's easier to deal with the situation as long as he's stoned, it's when he's sober I have trouble. Thats why I am going to maintain the no contact, because I realize thats a trigger for me to slip back into that deep dark oddly familiar pit that used to be my residence.

I too have no Narcanon's around me, so I started going to a Alanon in the city I work. I've been there for about a solid 2 years now. A few half attempts before that. Yes it's alcohol based and though I can justify that my dad's an alcoholic as is my sister, but what I was really going for was to deal with my AH's addiction to narcs.
I find it very easy just to plug in the word "addiction" in the place of "alcoholism" and it works for me.

And I have found, that although the peeps in my group are all there for alcoholism, it's effects on all of us are the same. Give it some time and keep going. The first couple of times I went I felt unconnected also, then as I started really trying to grasp the program I started to participate and began to feel like I belonged. And these people accepted me and I grew to love them in a special way.

Quite honestly, and it's just my opinion I really think that Alanon & Narcanon should be merged, because most addicts today are addicted to both substances and alcohol. And most of us may be dealing with both alcoholism & drug abuse in our families.

But thats just my opinion.

Hugs!
Teggie

liesagain

sounds like you are doing very well sofa.....be proud of yourself.

Callie

Thanks for posting Sofa - I hope to be where you are very shortly! I appreciate you posting so I have an idea of what's coming.

Insulated

Gosh, I wish I'd joined this forum before my fiance' died of an overdose. Your story is inspiring! He may still be alive, and I'd be alive too in a totally different environment. One that I created. Not created for me. !!! I admire your stregth. You are doing all the right things. Hopefully you have a friend that you can just pick up the phone and share things with. Those daily things we do like picking up the phone when something funny or interesting comes across your day.

sofacat

Thanks guys for all the words of encouragement.

I'm workin' real hard here, and I like it. For once I am focused, and I don't feel like I'm treading water anymore.

I'm following the "mind my own business" mantra and really seeing this through...though right now everything seems easier without the drugs and the addict in the house. The real test of strength comes when I find myself in a situation where my "codie" might kick in. But I'm just taking it one day at a time.

I have some major house issues going on at the moment (found black mold and bathroom has to be ripped out...and I only have ONE bathroom..eeeek!) But, I'll get it done...have to.

I can tell you that the working on "Me" part has been so great. The people in my life have all noticed a change in my personality and tell Me I am so much more relaxed. I am also going to see The Phantom at a local theater with friends....haven't done that in years! It's always work-work-work and home-home-home...with some small breaks in between.

I have spoken to my A on occasion...and as time has gone by and I am gaining myself back, he seems a little (and I mean a little) better to talk to. I told him awhile back that he has been the one who could have changed the course of this whole thing by just opening up and being honest....and when he was ready, I am here to listen.

Well, he called last night to tell me he was ready and wants to meet with me this weekend. Now the key word I used in the paragraph above is "listen"...not "fix". So I will lend him my ear and see what he has to say. The NSF slips from his bank come in the mail every day...and Amscot called the house looking for him....so I know that's not good...so if he starts quacking about how sober he has been, an starts blaming our separation on me....I will cut our visit short-but if he comes out and opens up about his relapse, then I will listen...just listen.

I'm sharing this with you guys cause I can't go it alone. That's how I stayed in that mess for so long in the first place.

So that's my update for now.

Teggie

Sounds like a good plan sofa.

Just please be carefull....he sounds as if he is getting desperate maybye? with bills pouring in. Maybye he's really feeling the consequences, do you think? If it were me I would be wary that he was going to try to manipulate me. Because that is exactly what my AH would do. Get me to talking then wind his way back in somehow with false promises etc. Thats happened to me so many times. They know what to say, they know how to push our buttons, and they know how to be good just long enough to get back in. Thats why I made the decision that I won't discuss anything related to our relationship or his addiction period until he checks in and completes rehab. Because I don't trust myself or him.

After the fiasco yesterday morning with my AH, come today he's milling around his place he's staying like nothing happened, so much for my thoughts of directly to rehab after the dr visit. He may be waiting for a bed to become availible, who knows. I'm not contacting him to find out.

Just be careful sofa, please, don't let him hurt you. And no decisions period until you've had all the time you need to think and reflect.

I'll be thinking of you,
Teggie

Callie

Good luck this weekend and keep your head in control - not your heart. Are you talking of divorce or just talking?

Thanks for posting your 'detox' thread. AH has been staying @ his mom's, but is out here a couple of times a week to get stuff or do things. I'm already facing some of your initial feelings you felt when your AH moved out.

sofacat

Isn't it nice to know you're not alone?

You'll be okay...by my calculations...6 strong days of detox...and then the magic starts to happen.

I spent every waking minute on here and reading. I still do...but not in "crisis mode" anymore.

I keep reading over my posts so I can remember what it felt like and I could see how I progressed.

I will not cave into his "quack quack"....my sight is different now, and my esteem is back. He wants to talk to me. He still hasn't moved out. He's just been living at his parents house for now.

He will be doing a lot of traveling and may leave the country again for a month and a half. So, we need to square things away. That does have to happen because living in limbo isn't healthy for either of us.

What I hope will happen? I hope that he reveals himself to me and tells me he's going back into rehab....that's what I hope.

Will that happen? Probably not. Either way I'm on a good path and won't be veered off my course. I'm not angry or defensive, sad or lonely...so I am not vulnerable right now.

I have you guys...and if I start to get "sea sick"...I'll reach out.

Callie

My AH hasn't 'moved out' either. All of his stuff is still here, I'm still doing most of his laundry etc. I'd say his stuff will probably be here for a while. If he goes to rehab and then his dad's it may be here for months. His clothes don't cause me chaos or panic attacks though lol. His clothes don't trash my house. I can deal with clothes

Good luck in your 'talks'. I have to do the same thing in the next few days. I hope he stays in the 'good place' he's been in. (not whacked out of his mind).

I've been spending alot of time on SR as well. I look forward to when I can put my focus on other things. I'm still clawing my way out of this pit.

coffeedrinker

when i am weakest is when he comes around, clear-headed, talking recovery stuff. he seems so fired up, so genuine. he's always great for awhile - it's the long-term follow-through that falls apart.

keep up that terrific self-talk, you are commitment to your sanity and it really shows.

good luck this weekend

Spiritual Seeker

Sounds like you have turned a corner...
To change things your focus is just where it needs to be.

Having the spotlight on the addicts makes it easy to go for yrs. avoiding
our own stuff.
When we pan that light out there is plenty of dysfunction in our own life w/o ever needing another addict ( or anyone else ) to fix.

We realize that the 12 step can be life changers...and what do you know? Our own life changer. That is certainly what happened to me.
Instead of wishing someone else would go to meetings and work recovery I did and my whole life changed, a spiritual awakening happened, all my relationships improved and most of the time I have serenity and joy.

May you too be so lucky !!!! You are on Your way !
Even your " picker " may change.

hello-kitty

I just dropped the last of my ex's clothes at the goodwill on my way to work this morning. i asked him many times to take his stuff but he left it - I think it gave him a sense of belonging in my life. A feeling that he could always come back if he chose too. I finally got tired of being used as free storage.

SadlyLost

Sofa- just gotta tell you you are an inspiration to me. We have the same "independence" day (on Day 29 now) and I gotta tell you reading your posts has helped me so much. So thank you.

sofacat

Hey SadlyLost...

Well I never dreamed I heard the day when someone told Me I was an inspiration to them in all this madness!

I can't tell you how happy that makes Me feel that I can pay it forward too! Thank you for that...this is such a great community with awesome people, and I have you all to thank for how far I have come.

You all have helped me "see".

I'm not outta the woods just yet...but if we just keep taking it one day at a time and put one foot forward...who knows, by this time next year we may just be dancing!

(((((( BIG HUGS ))))))) and don't let me forget to wish you a happy one month anniversary this weekend!!!!!!!

Insulated

sofacat....can you two meet in a neutral place so that if / when the listening ear begins hearing quackquack, you can get in your car and leave?

sofacat

I guess I can arrange that. I am a little miffed at him at the moment, so I am not so sure i will be meeting him on Sunday.

He pulled a "no no" today and is in defensive mode because I called him out on it.

I can handle the "quack quack" as long as my mind and spirit are working together. It's a full moon, so I feel the ground a little shaky.

I'll give it some thought.

Thanks.

Teggie

Follow your gut, your HP may be trying to show you something. If for any reason it doesn't feel right to meet up with him then don't. You don't have to.

Don't know what the no-no was but it sparked a reaction in you. He still has power to do that.

I know I can't be around AH right now. My gut tells me to stay away. I sent a text yesterday bc son asked me to because he hasn't seen his dad for 2 days. So I text'd why hasn't he seen his son or spoke to him in 2 days?

The response I got was that he thinks he's broken his back & is down about everything atm. Yet DD said he was with scuzbucket friend earlier in day getting something out of the shop. So he's still upright.

I deleted the message. He said nothing about his son. No reply needed.

Hang in there gf,
Teggie