sofacat

The "no no" was he brought one of his friends over to my house while I was at work so they could use my computer to do some work.

I know this friend...and it's not one of his "using buddys"....but it was extremely inconsiderate of him to do this without calling Me to ask me if it would be okay.
He texted me telling Me he was coming to the house...because I asked him to do that, but he didn't ask me if a friend could come with him.

I did call him immediately and asked if someone was at the house with him, and he said yes. I told him that I thought that was completely inconsiderate and he needed to let me know ahead of time because "my personal effects" are all over the house.
You know what he turned that into? Me accusing him of stealing or damaging the house.
He sent in in a hostile e mail. Now, I have been leaving my stuff all over the house since he's been gone...bras, panties, girly items...etc....and I am very private with my things that way. I would have liked to have had a "heads up" so I could make sure all my stuff was put away...but he turned it into something mean and vengeful....
"quack quack quack". I am not surprised. Another narcissist manipulative maneuver that will not work on Me anymore.

He has been out of the house for a month now, and a little courtesy would have been appreciated. So, no....he's not getting under my skin that way....I would feel this way toward anyone who did this.

Now you are probably wondering why he's in the house in the first place...we are separated, I haven't made anything final yet. I need this time to understand myself more and gain some strength for myself before I make any solid decisions.

He does come to the house daily while I'm at work. He comes to see our pets, use the computer and get his mail. He doesn't steal or break anything...that is not his way. I have no problem with this at the moment...and I have neighbors who text me when he is here...and he texts me as well.

I think now I am ready to make a decision about things, and I think it's time to let go. I have been putting this off...I admit it. I just want to make a decision based on logic and not hostility. I can stand my ground better this way and not "relapse" back to old behaviors by second guessing myself. I was so hoping he would get some help for himself, I'm not gonna lie about it....but I can't have him trying to ruffle my feathers while I'm trying to get on with my life. It's counter productive.

liesagain

It says a lot that your trying to be reasonable with him......but dont let him ruffle your feathers .........when on drugs your being reasonable with an unreasonable unlogical person
its not you

and if you feel its time to make some decisions and thats best for you..........move forward girl but if not thats okay too
take baby steps remember

you'll get there in your right time

Teggie

I am figuring out that my AH is capable of things that I never ever ever thought he would do. And I know it's the addiction but I don't trust him just the same.
I never thought he would lie to me & he did.
I never thought he'd steal from us & he did.
I never thought he'd bring scuzzy peeps around & he did.
I never thought he'd pawn a Christmas gift from us for drug money and he did.

He did because he is an addict. Don't trust him to not steal from you or compromise your personal information because he might not but his addiction very well could if it gets threatened. He might not be that way but the addiction can change that. Please take all measures to protect yourself.

You are so grounded and such a source of inspiration to me. My fellow sister in pain, lol.
I admire you very much.

Maybye it's time to cut the amount of contact he has with you? I know it's limited already but maybye it needs to be more so? Is his coming into the house at all, using your stuff, bringing another person in with him without asking causing a reaction in you?

I know I had to limit my contact with AH, from past experiences I know that he will use any type of contact with me to manipulate me. Yes, I feel I am stronger now, more set in my recovery and better able to deal with it but there is no dealing with an addict, I would be wasting my time and wasting my sanity. Look at your reaction to his reaction. I know you know enough to see what it really is, an attempt by him to twist your thinking to get an reaction out of you. Because when we react we are at our weakest and thats when they will make thier play.

I hope I am making sense. Sometimes I feel like I just ramble.

Keep strong GF, you can do this,

Hugs,
Teggie

cessy68

whhhooooooa.

God bless ya girl. One thing that I personally could not take, is knowing HE was in MY home, while I am not there. I would feel it a complete invasion of MY privacy. In fact, I always make sure, that if someone is not home, to make sure my 'stuff' even my panties, etc. is cleaned up.... I don't want him to know or have any info about what I'm doing with MY life since he exited stage left..........

Good for you for recognizing that you are finally ready to make this final.

Blessings...
Love,
Cess

teke

imo, if he can still come by every day even if its when you are not home, he may still see that as a open door for whenever he decides he wants to try to manipulate you into allowing him back in.

i understand why he had to leave but i wonder if you checked your motives. did you make him leave because you expected a reaction from him or did you make him leave because you needed him to, for you, not expecting any reactions. is he really gone or is he just having his cake and eating it too?

my ah would come and go like that but for him, he was ok sleeping at his mom as long as he could kind of keep tabs on me by kind of snooping around or thinking he was making sure i was still on hold or something. just knowing he was coming sooner or later, kept me stuck.

sofacat

i wonder if you checked your motives. did you make him leave because you expected a reaction from him or did you make him leave because you needed him to, for you, not expecting any reactions.

I can definitely answer that one teke ....
I made him leave because I was following directions. Break a boundary, need to leave. Those were the rules. I never did that before....I just needed to take the first step and follow through with them. I had no idea what was going to be next. I was still in shock that I actually did it. One thing I did know...I needed to do things differently than I ever have...and I did. Still doin' it.

I admit a part of me had expectations attached to the "eviction" at hand. I did hope that he would "snap out of it" and reach out...but he didn't. That didn't change things for Me on my end. I need to have a different life, I want to have a different life...so now I'm following directions.

As for the "separation" and not "dissolution"...I didn't have the strength to make any solid decisions when I asked him to leave. There was no planning this...I simply came home from work one night and WHAM...the addict was back! I was faced with a decision on the "fly"...in the midst of an emotional upheaval and the holiday season.

So we are separated. I don't have any expectations right now except the ones I have for myself. I am actually liking myself and my space these days...and that far out weighs any slippery lonely moments that may creep up on Me....

so I guess you can I say I asked Him to leave because I needed Him to...for Me.

sofacat

You make perfect sense, and thank you Teggie.

coffeedrinker

AFTER I was divorced, I was out of town for some reason. I found out AFTER I GOT BACK, from one of my daughters, that "dad let uncle Frank come over to spend the night, do some laundry, etc." Now, I knew Uncle Frank and his wife, loved them when I was family, and they were respectful, decent people. They had been traveling and stopped off in our city, on their way on to more family, and needed a break. BUT MAN, I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT! That he was really that clueless that now this was MY house???
It was just plain bizaare, and I never really got over the embarrassment of my basement laundry room being messy.

I told him on the phone that I felt a little violated and I thought it would have been appropriate for him to ASK me, I would have said "yes". He's never walked into this house uninvited since.


SOFA: you really are doing great.