4mychild

I have a 22 year old daughter that is addicted to oxy. I found out about her addiction about 6 months ago but lately I have started to realize just how deep into it she has gotten. She has been with her current boyfriend for 3 years and in those 3 years he has erased every shread of resemblance of the child that I raised. She has become so focused on him that she has lost herself in the process. The last two weeks have overwhelmed me, I feel like I am slowly slipping under in a bottomless lake with no hope to reach the surface again. She got arrested 2 weeks ago for shoplifting from a major store chain she was then processed and released, shortly after that I have reason to believe that she broke into my mothers house and took all of her jewelry and when I checked mine it was all gone as well. I did get her to admit to taking part of mine and was able to buy it back from the hawk shop at my expense. Then the next day she called me to borrow money for rent because according to her the boyfriend did not get his check so they were short for their rent (I think that they spent it on their addiction)so I said no I have no money to give you for rent you need to figure out some other way to come up with it. Well a few hours later she calls me to let me know that they had gotten an eviction notice and since they have no money for rent they were going to move with his family which is in another state. I am devastated to say the least she means the world to me and I can't imagine life with her so far away. I tried to point out that she has less chance of recovery(which according to her they are both clean and sober but I don't think so)if she was away from everyone and everything that she knows and surrounded with his family which contains a large number addicts. She informs me that all she needs is him and she will be able to stay clean. I forgot to mention that like me she is co-dependant so she sees herself as able to save her boyfriend which is a hustler from the word go so I don't have any doubt that he will relapse and drag her back in with him. I can't help but to feel helpless knowing the long road ahead of me and not being able to see the heartache that is just around the next bend. If anyone can find the time to say a quick prayer for her it would be appreciated her name is Natasha. Thank you for giving me a place to come and know that I am not alone in this. I sure feel like this right now

Ann

Welcome to SR, I too am the mother of an addict and know the pain you feel today.

Your sad story is not much different than those of many of us moms here, including the theft, trips to pawn shops and most of all fear of what will become of them in that dark world of addiction.

What helped me, what literally saved my life was to go to meetings and surround myself with support from others who had been where I was. CoDA, Nar-Anon and Al-Anon are three similar fellowships that are not about their addiction but instead about our codependency and how to regain our balance and live our lives well instead of living in fear every hour of every day.

Take a read around, make yourself comfortable here, and know that you are among friends who truly understand and who are walking with you on our journey of recovery.

Hugs

marle

Welcome to SR. My daughter started with Oxys and progressed to heroin. She currently has 17 months clean but it took a lot of pain for her to get to the point of surrender. It also took me a lot of pain to get to the point where I realized that the only person that I could save was myself. Meetings give you a chance to be around others that are in similar situations and they can be a lifesaver. This forum is where I got my start on the road to recovery. Great bunch of people here. Hugs, Marle

LivingLifeMYWAY

I'm in recovery for oxy's and have been clean for 3 mos. I can tell you from experience that it is the devil and will make you do ANYTHING to get more. You're body developes cravings for it and most people can't fight through that demon alone. 95% will relapse on their own! Makes grown men, professionals, dr.'s, lawyers, etc. break! It doesn't care if you're rich, poor, old, young. It will sap you up so fast until you're out of control. But the good news, if at all, is it's NOT YOUR FAULT. My parents raised me strict and got me thru school and college. They never missed any of the activities I participated in as a child. What I'm trying to say is, nothing they did or didn't do wouldn't have made a difference w/ this drug. I CHOSE to abuse! It is an epidemic of enormous proportions. I live in S. Fla and know so many affected by this drug.
I didn't get help until I finally had enough! I tried forever to quit on my own w/ little to no success. Sorry, but that's the cold hard truth! I really feel for you and your daughter, I have a 9 mos. son so now that I'm a dad I can finally see your (the parents) side. All you can do is try to support her, only SHE will make that choice, sucks to hear, but the truth! You need to get your own help and not let this ruin both of your lives. I will pray that you find the help and encouragement you'll need to fight this battle. I'm also praying for your daughter, I know where she's at, and I can guarantee you one thing, she's not happy about her situation, I don't think anyone really likes being addicted. God Bless! Only God can help her! Not you!

MsPINKAcres

((4mychild))

welcome to our SR family

hate to hear of another precious one hurting from an addiction - you and your daughter.

Her actions sounds way too familiar - have had similiar experiences with my loved ones - very grateful for Al-Anon, SR and other recovery tools (especially the God of my understanding) that helped me learn to take care of ME and how to love them with healthy compassion, safe boundaries and allow them the dignity to walk their own path.

It's not easy but for me it was the best thing for all.

Please don't give up before the miracles happen in YOU - You deserve them.
HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

Serenity Bound

4mychild, Welcome to the SR family from another mom. Your story sounds so very familiar to my own. My AD is 30, addicted to crack and addicted to a toxic relationship with her husband.

Sending you and your daughter prayers.

Hugs,
Chris

HurtingDad

You've found a good place for advice and sympathy. We all know the pain and heartbreak you're experiencing. Hopefully your daughter will at sometime choose the right actions that are helpful to her. She's the only one who can. Just let her know you love her.

Prayers and wishes for you and your family.

outtolunch

She was arrested 2 weeks ago for shoplifting and subsequently stole from you and your mother. Then they are short on rent monies and need a helping hand. Does this really sound like "clean and sober" behavior?

No idea if moving to another state is a real plan or a trump card being played to tug at your heart strings and compel you to give her the $$$. Likely to be some of both.

The drug is in control of your daughter, right now. And there is not a darn thing you can do about it. You did not cause this. You cannot control this. And you cannot cure this.

What you can do is get support for yourself, instead of letting something that you cannot control consume you. The most challenging aspect of my daughter's addiction was accepting I was powerless over it and her and anyone else, for that matter.

JMFburns

4mychild,

Just another Mom stopping by to let you know you are not alone on this journey.

My 29 yr old son is a pain pill addict with 3 mo. clean. He is living in a sober house paid for by county/state funds - I do not have room for his addiction in my home. He was living in homeless shelters for the 7 months prior to checking himself into a short inpatient, then outpatient program. I pray he is on his way to recovery, but there is nothing I can do to make that happen, only he can.

This online community and my AlAnon and NarAnon meetings keep me sane. I will keep you in my prayers and all addicts as well.

4mychild

Thank you for the words of encouragement. It is so hard to admit that I am powerless to save her even though deep down I realize that I am. I struggle daily with the fact that she has to walk the addicts path alone, for I refuse to travel it with her. It really hurts that she does not care a wit about the pain that she is causing those around her because the drug has such a powerful hold on her. By the way I realize that she is not clean and sober so she deludes nobody but herself by trying to convince me of that one. As horrible as it sounds I wish that come court tomorrow that the judge would do more than just send her away with a few fines and a slap on the wrist but with the budget cuts I know that is all that will happen. She does not even seem concerned about it because she realizes that nothing is going to happen to her. She is indeed moving to Washington state first thing on Friday morning. At first it knocked the wind out of me, after all I have never been away from her for more than a day or two of her life so how was I going to cope with her being so far away. But coming here and reading some of the post I realize that while I hate it perhaps it is better that she is away from me while she is destroying her life. That way there is less of a temptation for me to try to rescue her as my co-dep self wants to do. I will have time to grow stronger within myself and be able to set healthy boundries. Also she has not talked to me in 2 days and then before that it was by text message only I have resisted the urge to call her. Does it ever get easier not hearing from them and wondering if they are still alive?

cherrie1

Welcome and sorry you are here. You will find a lot of great support here.I know as a mother how hard it is to have your child move away when you have been so close but when it comes to addiction it is better for the rest of the family to have that distance. I know my son is my addict and started with oxy then on to heroin. We have been on this roller-coaster for 4 years. He nows lives on the other side of the country and I miss him terribly but our family has begun to heal with him not here. Make it clear to your daughter that she can not come home until she is ready to go into recovery. It may take a while but eventually she will. Tell her you love her and support her emotionally but you will not support the addict. Best of luck to you. I will be praying.

painter

Sorry to say, another mom here. My heart breaks for you. Been there and done that. Same situtation, only crack was ADD choice. And afraid children were involved. I understand the wondering and worrying when they are not around. But believe it is worse knowing what is happening. I still cannot get my mind around what the draw is with the BF's . What these girls get from them I don't understand.
The only thing that saved my sanity was prayer and this site, wonderful people here. They listened to all my ramblings and crying. And still gave me support and love.
I will pray for your daughter and you. Much love.

katie53

I know your pain cuts deep. my only child's drug was crack, I begged,pleaded, and prayed daily for it to stop. A friend invited me to al-anon. I proberly did nothing but cry for the first month there. It does get better, reach out, keep reading I love my child but I know longer am obsessed with rescueing her from herself. You will find love and hugs right here.

Kindeyes

Oh my....another Mom here. You are not alone and we understand your pain. My son is the addict/alcoholic in my life. He is some mother's nightmare out there (like your daughter's boyfriend).....and I'm so sorry. He came from a good home. He was loved. He had good parents who were good examples to him. He was given every opportunity but turned his back on it. I wouldn't blame the mother of any girl who dates him for wishing he would evaporate.

On the other hand, I understand the close relationship of mother and daughter and how desparately you will miss your daughter.

My sweet, beautiful, intelligent, educated 23 year old daughter has landed herself a dream man. He's unemployed, has a HUGE debt (I've heard $30,000) due to legal issues, beyond BAD credit and TAAAADAAAA has a felony record! He doesn't have a car. He doesn't have a driver's license...he doesn't have a job. She has the world by the tail. She has a GREAT job, a college degree and makes a wonderful income.....and she's only 23 (he's 28). She supports him. I can't help but wonder what she sees in him.

I have to sit back and let whatever happens happen. She feels loved and accepted by his family. OF COURSE THEY LOVE HER! What's NOT to love! He has hit the freaking LOTTERY with her! She is their saving grace! She is the person who will SAVE HIM!

There is nothing I can do. Just as there is nothing that you can do. We have no choice but to allow them to make their own mistakes and pray that they survive them.

Gentle hugs to you from another Mom

dslalonde

4mychild,
My heart breaks for you reading this. Sending prayers your way.
My 20 yr old is 6 mos clean, happy, working, and this nightmare of addiction is slowly fading away. It can happen, don't lose faith. Keep posting here, as there is a wealth of information from parents and addicts alike. don't stop trying and take care.
susan

4mychild

The part about your daughters boyfriend sounds exactly like my daughters boyfriend, in fact if I did not know better I would say they were one in the same down to the no job, no car, no licence. My daughter much like yours has everything going for her, a degree with the potential to make great money if she could only get herself another job once she relocates. His family loves her as well they see her as his saving grace and are quick to build her up on that note. She is mistaken if she thinks that she can save him everyone that cares about her realizes this with the exception of her. She goes to court today for the theft 2 charges and I plan to go with her for support, unfortunately I have to see the boyfriend and that will be very hard for me to do without reacting to him. I just have to keep reminding myself that there is nothing I can say or do that will ever make a difference where he is concerned so saying nothing at all is better than rising to the bait he throws out. Please say a prayer that everything will turn out as it should and give me the strength to realize I am powerless to fix anyone but myself....thanks for all of the continued support, you help to keep me putting one foot in front of the other. I will let everyone knows how it goes. :praying

4mychild

I've failed at the not trying to be co-dependant. During court today my daughter did not really understand the charges aginst her were more than a traffic ticket, she did not get the fact that she was facing both jail time and a fine of up to 6500. She waived her right to a court appt attorney and told the judge at the trial that she was going to represent herself. In the lobby I told her that she really needed to think things through that she was facing some serious charges that could ruin her future, she told me not to worry about her life and that she would do what she wants. Ok fine I walked away, doing good until I have verbal conformation that her boyfriend and her were indeed the ones that broke into my mom's house and took all of her stuff. Mind you this would have happened after she was supposedly clean and sober (yeah right) so I react because my mom now lives in fear of someone else coming in she is afraid to be home because she lives alone. Basically they have destroyed her confidence. I point this out to my AD how much she has destroyed those around her and that she really need to figure out what she is doing with her life, also pointed out what a piece of work her boyfriend was. She would not talk to me on the phone after that. A few hours pass and she texts me about keeping her cats because she cant take them with her and has no where for them to go. I try calling her back and no answer. I text her no answer ok so now I get a call from my mom letting me know that the officer on her case is going to the hawk shop to see if her stuff is there. I call the officer to understand what is going on and was told that if my daughter did hawk the stuff it is a felony and because of the other charge aginst her she is looking at a mandatory minimum. Of course the boyfriend although involved walks away with no charges because we cant prove he did anything(even though she told me he did break in). Faced with a delima of her going away for a while I called to let her know she might want to get things in order this is what was coming she freaked out on me and told me not to tell her how to live her life and if she goes down its her doing so just butt out. Ok so now that I have ruined that relationship I am back at square one again. I can't save her I know I cant but why does it hurt so bad when they throw in your face that you are the one in the wrong for trying to help them. It is the whole world aginst her poor little boyfriend and she is sticking by him even if she never talks to us the rest of her life......wow that hurts to hear her say that.

LivingLifeMYWAY

Because she is an addict and can't see things clearly. When I was 21, I was out of control. My parents Myer's acted me into a three day evaluation that led to mos. of rehab. I was so bitter at them, I would not talk to them, return their calls, etc. Told them I hated them for doing such a thing to me. Unfortunately for me, rehab taught me a lot but led me to stronger drugs. I knew everything, just like your daughter, and have struggled in my life with all kinds of drugs. I'm now 36, and love my parents to death and have a great relationship with them now. They are so happy that I've turned my life around. I have a great job, great wife, beautiful boy,...a lot to be thankful for. I eventually pulled myself together until I found pain pills, I know the road will be hard but I'm more determined now than ever to stay clean! I've FINALLY had enough!
Sorry to rant, but the point I'm trying to make is, it can get better, I pray for you it will. We don't mean to say the mean things we say when were all messed up. Keep coming here! We all need each others help! Just accept that you've done everything you can and you are completely powerless over what she says or does. Maybe being locked up will help her get clean, IDK! I'll just keep praying for the both of you!:praying

Kindeyes

I've been in your shoes on the legal issues too with my ADA son. He always had an excuse for why something happened. He always had an alibi. He lied. But I chose to believe those lies and I would fight like the devil to defend him. After all, he's MY SON! Isn't that what a mother bear is suppose to do? Defend her cubs to the death if necessary?

I look back on those things and wonder what the heck I was thinking.

My ADA son told me something years ago....he said "everything is a degree of want and Mom, if you want it more than I do....it isn't going to work." Ask yourself if you are wanting things for your daughter more than she is wanting them for herself. If the answer is yes, then that is the sign that the scale needs to be brought into balance and the only way to do that is to allow the scale to tip in her direction......

I use to think that the absolute end of the world would be to find out my son was in jail. Well, it happened and the world didn't end. I will not be surprised if it happens again sometime if he doesn't change his path.....and the world won't end then either.

I have to laugh at myself sometimes. Remember the old adage "You made your bed now you have to sleep in it." Well, I would not only "make" my son's "bed", I would change the sheets regularly and ensure there were NO wrinkles. It was his bed, but I made it far too comfortable for him through my enabling behaviors. He needed to sleep in his own mess in order to experience the discomfort. 20/20 hindsight is quite powerful......I just wish I could have understood these things years ago.

gentle hugs

stefanie

Hi, just another mom chiming in here. My 23 year old is an addict, he
was facing a felony charge for buying heroin. He also did not understand the severity of the charges against him, and did not listen or follow up with any orders from the judge during pre-trial. He had been using for a few years and not thinking clearly.Then he was finally arrested and sent to jail. He is working, has been clean and sober, looks and sounds like a different person. I look at this as an intervention by the legal system. I am not happy that he is in jail, but being in custody has given his brain a chance to heal,and he has a another chance at life. His girlfriend (who was using with him when they were arrested) is out and visits him- nothing I can do about that.
This is not an easy road that we walk, but never lose hope. Keep coming back to share! Hugs and best of luck!