outonalimb

Callie,

I was in a situation alot like yours with my exah. Dealing with the fall-out from my exah's addiction time and time again robbed me of my self-respect. I forgot who I was. I forgot what made me happy. Once my exah started on a methadone program, the day to day crises' stopped and when the storm stopped raging I found myself standing there wondering what in the hell happened, how did I get there, and what did I want out of life that didn't revolve around HIM. Even the decision to stay or go revolved around HIM and not me...not what I wanted but what was best for him or what I thought I 'owed' him and our son..and so I struggled with the shame, fear and humiliation you speak of.

Everyone has to find their own path. I had to leave. I had to make a new life for myself. Initially, I just focused on gaining financial independence. I rented for a while and after almost 2 years, I bought my own home...one I could afford on my own.

I learned to live life on life's terms. I stopped making decisions in my life that centered around his well-being. I slowly started to rediscover so many of the things I used to do that made me happy that I had let go of (slowly, without even realizing it) while dealing with my exah and his addiction.

In a nutshell, I let go of my exah. I completely and totally let go. And I knew in my heart and soul that no matter what my exah did, I would be okay.

And ya know what, my exah got off the methadone. He's been clean for a long time (maybe three years now?). Unbelievably, I actually respect him again. Unbelievable, really, given everythat that happend. Even though we are divorced, he's still a big part of my life but I'm living my life on MY terms now. If he's clean, and if he brings more joy and happiness to me than sorrow, I am happy to spend time with him. But...and this is the big thing...I don't live in fear anymore. I don't search for triggers...I don't look for signs of relapse. I can't really say its because I don't care...of course I do...he's my son's father...but I know with ever fiber of my being that I am FREE to live my life how ever I choose and his decisions will not effect me.

I couldn't have made these decisions or made these moves if I stayed with my exah. Thats just me...we each have to find our own path...but its so difficult to make decisions when the person who brought so much pain into your life is living under the same roof. Too many memories, too many resentments, too much baggage...too much everything. How can we make good decisions when this ugliness is staring us in the face everyday?

You never know what the future will hold. There were many times when I was absolutely sure that my exah would die of an OD if I weren't there...trying to keep things in control. It was only when I let go and let God that I found peace and stopped struggling with the shame, the anger, the humiliation, and the fear.

I thought when I left and divorced hiim that that would be the end of our relationship. I did it anyway because I had to. I couldn't live with all the pain and baggage around my neck everyday. As it turns out, it wasn't the end...it was the beginning. I found a new life for myself and my exah and I have a new relationship...one without all the baggage. Its a miracle, I swear.

I know you're struggling. It IS possible to get past all the pain, Callie. You just have to put yourself first.

splendra

(((((callie))))

Please be gentle with yourself and let your true self emerge. Who could blame you if you left? Only you can find what is right for you.

Something that is said over and over in Alanon is take care of you. This is very good advice do what you need to do for yourself if it is good for you it is good for your whole family. Taking care of yourself will not push him over any edge that he is not looking for.

Are you afraid that if you leave he will start using again? Even if he does it will not be because you left it will be because he wanted to go back to using.

Also you might want to seek addiction counseling as a family and see where it takes you.


(((((((BIGHUGS)))))))) 4U

Blackrose56

I stayed with my 1st husband when he got sober. And he went to a meeting almost every day, but did not thoroughly work the steps. I went to a meeting 3 or 4 times a week and THAT is where I got my answers and my life back. We were together for 8 years that he was sober...and yes, after a while I did begin to trust him again. I met quite a few women in Alanon who had rebuilt their marriage when their spouse got clean and sober. It is a different life...a life filled with meetings and "program" people. After 8 years, he did relapse and I left (but that's a long story). And yes, I was willing to give my 2nd husband another chance when he got clean and sober and I was beginning to trust again. It takes time if you make it....and like someone else said....it doesn't have to be today. They say in the program the first YEAR is the roughest. And you haven't even survived that yet. They also say NO big decisions in the first year of the program. My sponsor told me that means leaving my husband if he is not violent and is working his program. I however, was never ashamed of my second husband. I was very proud of the accomplishment he made when he was clean. And I didn't carry the mistakes he made when he was using into our relationship when he was clean and sober. Even though he's gone back to using....I'm still his biggest fan. I still know that somewhere inside is a good, kind, loving man and I pray for him every day.

But lastly, I also feel that once you no longer have respect for that man, it is most likely pretty much over. Not sure it made a lot of sense. I have been on both sides. I found myself finally hating my 1st husband and I would never have gone back. My 2nd husband...if he called a year from now and said "I've made it a year. I want to try again." I would....

Callie

God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain. But He did promise strength for today, comfort for your tears & light for the way.

Found this on facebook today. Very fitting. I look all around facebook at the very normal families. Mowing the lawn on Saturdays, going to the zoo, church on Sunday, family dinners, movie nights etc. People just living a normal life. The resentment creeps in because I've not had that for a long time.

I think when people hook up in high school, even with no addiction at all in the future, there comes a time when those two people finally have to stand on their own two feet and claim who they have become.


Blue Jay, this for sure plays into our problems. They say your maturity stops around the start of your addiction. I can for sure see that with AH. I feel like I've grown up throughout the years and H has not for the most part because of his addiction. Part of our 'bond' if you will is the addiction between us. He's all I've ever known. He's been part of my life for 21 years. He has said and I agree 'I cannot imagine not having you in my life or talking to you every day.' He knows everything about me and I tell him pretty much anything and everything. Even through his addiction I could talk to him about anything

I guess part of my thinking, right or wrong is that I can/would sacrifice some of my needs to keep my family intact. Not for myself, but for the kids. I feel guilt for leaving now because he's doing well on the methadone. He's slowly trying to clean up the mess his addiction caused. He's doing alot around the house, helping with the kids, he's being nice to me, does things for me. He is a good dad who loves his kids and they adore him. I feel guilt because here I am thinking of leaving - after I've stayed for so long through all of the crap.

It's like I'm standing in the doorway and I put one foot in, then back out, in, out. I just want to have a decision that I can live with and shut the darn door and lock it.

Out on a limb - you have described exactly how I feel. You have described the exact scenario that I picture in my future. I'm going to pm you if you don't mind.

Splendra - It is a possibility that he may start using again if I leave. Of course I do worry about that, but I don't carry that burden anymore. It's his choice. I don't think he would because he's doing so well on the Methadone, but it is a possibility. That's not a main concern though right now.

I also feel that once you no longer have respect for that man, it is most likely pretty much over.

Black Rose - I have 0% respect for H when he's in his addiction. I feel disgust, repulsion, resentment, anger, I find him pathetic. I know alot of codies dance around this or are afraid to confront the addict for fear of making them mad, or making them feel bad. Not me. I am absolutely not afraid to confront him. My anger though just drives him deeper into his addiction. He feels guilt, feels bad = using more = no self esteem.

You know I didn't realize just how large of a part respect plays in a relationship with me. It wasn't until he stepped off the plane from rehab that I saw that. I saw a man who was confident and secure when he spoke and walked. He had the sparkle back in his eyes, he was firm and not wishy washy acting like he is in addiction. He'd put on much needed weight. He had lots of counseling under his belt and UNDERSTOOD how his addiction and my codependance worked. We could carry on a joint conversation instead of me talking AT him. He was honest. I could ask him a ? and before he would either lie or dodge it. This time he looked me straight in the eyes and told me the truth. Even if it was about drugs. I found that honest so absolutely refreshing. Even if it was about how he scored drugs, crushed pills, hid money. I was happy to know the truth AND it made me trust him more. With all of this I found my respect growing by leaps and bounds. I was astounded because once he got off of that plane I SAW that I had been living with a high man for YEARS. Just like the frog in boiling h20 I became accustomed to the pinned eyes, the sleep walking, the sleeping all of the time, up @ all hours of the night etc. Everything that was SCREAMING drug use was silenced because that's what I came to know him as, that's what became normal to me. Immediately when he got off the plane I knew it was 'him' and not the addict. My feelings for him, my pride in him, my respect for him came back pretty quickly. Not up to par or up to what they should be, but they were coming. That's what I'm seeing with H now that he's on the methadone. I'm starting to see the man who stepped off the plane.

I guess this is what makes things so hard for me. This is what I've always wanted. For him to be clean and do well. But it's a double edged sword too because I don't trust that it will last (rightfully so) and I feel like I have to or should give him another chance. Not for myself or really for him, but for my kids. I get so mad at MYSELF for being so indecisive

Anvil - I can't do counseling. I cancelled the Cobra insurance. I was keeping it for H's rehab's mainly and it was $1500 a month that I didn't need to be spending. Insurance now doesn't cover counseling. It looks like meetings are where I need to be.

Thanks for reading guys. I appreciate it.

bluejay6

When you describe AH coming off that plane....wow.
It describes who he is when he is in a THERAPEUTIC setting. Fellow recovering addicts, counselors, absolute honest confrontation and support. The essence of recovery.

Was a sober living house for a year never an option?

Seems he took so well this time to an environment of recovery. I'm not sure going back home is good for someone with his history. He has been quite the addict for so many years.

Home is challenging anyway. That's why a lot of people prefer to work long hours at the office. It isn't the sanctuary many imagine it to be (though it can be) when they see people mowing the lawn and baking cookies. The goes on in the home next door to me all the time. Looks completely normal and healthy. Big yellow farmhouse, children playing in the yard, adults sitting on the porch laughing and enjoying family life.

The reality is the grandmother drinks about a gallon of whiskey a week and the mother drinks late at night. And the mother and the father talk about divorce but they can't afford it. And they are on the verge of bankruptcy.

But they sure look good.

Callie

while H was using, you knew exactly what to do, job description all layed out......and as uncomfortable as that was, it became your comfort zone, the space within which you operated. now he's not using. not today. he's stablized somewhat.....for THIS moment the imminent threat is over.....and you are out of a job.

Anvil - right on target again. I am spinning right now. Things are changing, not much for me to 'control' anymore. I'm GLAD for that, but also out of my comfort zone for now. My H just keeps saying 'Callie, slow down. Enjoy the moment, you don't always have to go, go go.' He's right. I can become a crazy fanatic house cleaner @ times That's what I do when things are out of control in my life - I do this because a clean orderly house makes me feel better, gives me something to do and makes me feel in control of SOMETHING in my life.

i find myself having wistful moments over that wild boy i met, foot loose, fancy free, tied down to nothing, going wherever life took him...he was quite the handful and kept me pretty BUSY. and me being a fixer and doer thrived in that role.

This is me too. H was somewhat of a 'bad boy'. Not defiant or in trouble with the law or anything like that. In HS it was as if he couldn't be 'tamed.' As if he wouldn't settle down with any girl. Then I came along and it was all she wrote. I was drawn to that in a way. I'd dated great guys who later went off to college, became accountants, pilots, businessmen etc. (WTH was I thinking???) None of them ever caught my attention like H did.

It describes who he is when he is in a THERAPEUTIC setting. Fellow recovering addicts, counselors, absolute honest confrontation and support. The essence of recovery.

Was a sober living house for a year never an option?


He was for SURE in a good place when he came back. I on the other hand was not. I had been arguing with MIL (his mom) about her role. I had been fighting insurance to keep him there and I was the 'go to' person for him. I had counselors, doctors, family and friends to answer to as he wasn't allowed much contact. I was a frazzled, bitter, tired, angry person when he stepped off the plane. I didn't hold back on my resentment much either. Well, two + weeks later he relapsed.

He did have the option for a halfway house, but we kept thinking insurance would kick back in and he could go and complete the rehab. He only stayed 30 + days of a 90 day stay.

Thank you guys. It really helps to get this out and hear opinions. My H will leave if I want him to. He will give me a D if I want him to. He knows how much he's done to me and put me through. He reiterated today just how much better he feels on methadone. He said for the first time he feels like going, doing and living. One thing that he's NEVER failed me on though is dropping the other shoe. It ALWAYS comes. We'll see if this time is any different.

I think I'm going to take a few weeks and think about H's new found treatment and make some decisions. I kind of feel like I'm just stepping off of a fast and crazy roller coaster. My head is still spinning, adrenaline is still pumping and it's going to take a while for me to get my bearings and come back to earth again.

outonalimb

Callie,

Be patient, kind and loving with yourself. Pamper yourself when you can. You've been thru hell. Take hot bubble baths, go for long walks, do whatever brings you peace. All the decisions you feel you must make can wait. You'll know when/if the time comes to 'do' something. In the meantime, you gotta love yourself and give yourself time to heal. The wounds are still pretty fresh.

kj3880

Well, I'm sure you knew I would have to weigh in, Cal. We've been talking together too long for me not to. First of all, thank you for being honest enough to let us share in what's really going on in your life. That's what fellowship is all about, that gut-level honesty. That's how you work it.

Personally, I'm a big proponent of DRT. If a person applies it in a dedicated way, taking it just as prescribed, never skipping, never double-dosing, always discussing any dose changes with a doctor. And if that same person attends meetings and addresses the issues that drive their addict brain. Those are two very big ifs. And I see no reason to put a time limit on DRT, either. Some people, I believe, have permanently fried their brains' ability to produce endorphins, and have to rely on chemicals to replace them.

I hear women here say this all the time. It reminds me of someone on a losing streak at a poker table. They have their last stack of chip in front of them, and they have to throw them in too, because they've already spent so much money. It's just good money after bad, and it is faulty logic. Just because you have invested a lot of emotion and energy in this troubled man doesn't mean that more effort will pay off. The odds are not in your favor. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to try. You absolutely have the right to decide what you want here. Just don't let the reason you stay and keep on trying be that you've already invested so much.

Callie, what do you want to do? I don't think we heard you say what you want to do now. It's OK to want something. And it's OK to go for it. What do you want to do????

No. No they wouldn't. Drugs are not the problem. The addict, we are our problem. If we didn't have drugs, we'd still be sick. It would just manifest in different ways. That's why it worries me that your AH isn't really working a 12-step. I guess I feel like he might not be addressing his root issues and character flaws and deep-seated resentments, and guilt and shame. Those are the things that take addicts back out there.

The beatings will continue until morale improves! No, seriously, I'm not wanting to beat you, just wanting you to be happy. I wish you could just do that for yourself. You have to be willing to make the changes that will get you there. Whatever they are. I'm not saying to stay. I'm not saying to go. For once, do what makes you happy. That's the only reason to be in any marriage, IMO.


Love,
KJ

IPT

Ditto for me (we must have the same friends !). I have been tremendously successful in life but here I was chasing a person who my friends (without the emotional or dysfunctional attachment I had) just saw as a very sick maladapted person. In a lot of ways I still crave her in one way or another. I am still sorting things out. The how’s, and whys of what I did. I was without a doubt addicted to her with the highs, lows, and withdrawls as well. My therapist asked me that if I meet her today would I tolerate that treatment. We know the answers was no, but when it creeps up on you it wraps you up and envelopes you entirely. At least it did me.

Thanks for saying this…my xagf had major “problems” (by her own account). I did always think if she just quit and got away from the bad influences (who unfortunately primarily were her family) it would all get better. There were a week or two now and then when she was clean (I think at least) and we spent a lot of time together. Then I wanted to see her be more motivated, less apathetic, and more of a partner. She even pointed it out to me “no matter what I do it is never enough”. I’m not sure how much of that was her low self esteem talking and how much of it was that I just wanted a person that even without the drugs she was not….. (now if I could just remember that and REALLY move on emotionally to match the physical seperation we already have).

Callie

Thanks KJ - I was hoping you'd see my post...

Personally, I'm a big proponent of DRT. If a person applies it in a dedicated way, taking it just as prescribed, never skipping, never double-dosing, always discussing any dose changes with a doctor. And if that same person attends meetings and addresses the issues that drive their addict brain. Those are two very big ifs. And I see no reason to put a time limit on DRT, either. Some people, I believe, have permanently fried their brains' ability to produce endorphins, and have to rely on chemicals to replace them.

My biggest fear with methadone was his past abuse. I did NOT want him to go on it, but really he'd exhausted all options and if his endorphins are messed up he really had no choice. He does have to go to so many meetings per week and meet with his counselor/doctor quite a bit too. He's not found a 'home' group yet for meetings. You can see that I've had trouble finding a meeting, H has a hard time either finding a NA or AA group. I think he likes the AA group better than NA??

Truth be told, I think he'll be alot like Marles daughter. Going to meetings, knowing the steps etc. I doubt he'll ever fully work the steps and really dig deep to find out WHY he started drugs. That's just not him. He for sure is not as in touch with his feelings as I'd like for him to be. I for sure want and need more intellectually. I just think that will always be an area that he'll falter in. He's kind of has the attitude that his childhood was in the past, deal with the issues as best as you can and leave it there.

He does have a big heart and would do anything for me (except quit drugs! ) but he's kind of a man's man if you will when it comes to opening up a whole lot or crying or wearing his heart on his sleeve.

As far as what I want? I really don't know right now. I want to be at peace, I want to be happy. I want to do simple, meaningful things in my life every day with my kids. I don't want to fix or repair or chase or control anything anymore. I want to bake cookies with my kids and be IN THE MOMENT. I don't want to be going through all of the motions that a mom should go through, but not have my mind be there because it's entertwined in H's addiction. I want to be able to coach soccer or be a room mother or host sleepovers and be IN THE MOMENT. I want to ENJOY it and not just do it because I feel I should. I want to be BORED! I don't want my mind to swim. I want to be able to concentrate long enough to read a book. A GOOD book. NOT about addiction or codependency or any of that crap. I don't want to cry or pace or panic or chase him down. I don't want to power dial the phone in frantic measures wondering where he is or what he's doing. I don't want to be in damage control mode every time I sense something.

I want someone that I can depend on. If he's to get the kids, I want him to be able to do it on time WITHOUT me calling him 27x to remind him and then 5x to make sure he actually got them. I want someone who is responsible and trustworthy and dependable.

I fully understand your 'poker scenario'. I DO have alot of time invested in him, but that does not mean that I have to put more time into him. I think the hardest thing is that he'd dabbled for about 10 years prior to me even finding out about his problem. I'd been fighting him over his behavior and had NO CLUE that it was due to drug use.

So far H has been doing very well on methadone. He's been doing what he's suppose to be doing. Again he did use initially when the dose was low because he was still sick, but just today he commented on how good he feels. I'm glad for him. I'm glad for me too. If we choose to divorce at least he's in a good place mentally/physically with the methadone.

Thanks again guys. Without you I'd feel so alone. I lived alone with his addiction for many years. I only found SR 1.5 years ago. I don't know what I'd do without all of my cyberfriends.

kj3880

I think the hardest thing is that he'd dabbled for about 10 years prior to me even finding out about his problem.

Yep. I can relate. We all addicts think about that time as well as codies do. We remember it fondly. We'd all like to think we could maybe go back and revisit that time now we are no longer physically dependent. But addiction, as you know, is progressive. Once that genies' out of the bottle, it's not going back in. Once you get to the point where you've had a physical dependency on drugs, you never get to go back to casual user again. I've never met one person who was successful doing it. In fact, it's the start of most of the relapses I've heard about.

Love,
KJ

lightseeker

Callie -

I've lived with a sober addict now for 4+ years and getting used to sobriety vs. active addiction has definitely been a struggle. My husband worked a program and went to meetings the first year. Then, pretty much just dabbled at sitting in meetings and then dropped away completely. He got to the point where he really did not have any desire to use and then felt that recovery was boring and not necessary.

Fast forward to today. Although I care about him my love for him has really disappeared. He is finally getting to the point where he is realizing that he is unable to live life on life's terms. That awareness has come as my awareness that I am unwilling to tolerate his "dry drunk" behaviors increases. As of last week he has "re-upped" with his sponsor and is committed to meetings (again). But he also believes that I am done. It's true that the only reason that I am staying right now is because of the kids and finances. Even that won't keep me though if he doesn't find recovery.

I remember when he first got sober my bottom line was that he remain in recovery. I got caught up in not working his program, acceptance, and letting go and my bottom line disappeared. I wasn't strong enough to stand up and adhere to it and he knew it. I've stuck at it my own recovery and now I am strong enough to commit once again to my bottom line and surprise surprise - he knows it.

When my life becomes unmanageable due to fretting over his stuff, when there is chaos and worry, when I feel dissatisfied....then I know that I have crossed my bottom line. I now only care about my serenity and living in a peaceful/happy home. Whatever gets in the way of that is something (or someone) that I need to stay away from. That feeling is what tells me how near or far to keep him (emotionally and physically).

Recovery/meetings/sponsorship might not be his "gig" but him not in recovery is not my "gig". It's hard though - because there are glimmers of recovery and there is relief that sobriety is prevailing. Things get better for awhile and that placates me for a bit. There are a whole lot of feelings and resentments to work through and meetings definitely help to sort it all out.

From your posts I know how hard you have worked at this - it will sort itself out in time and there is no doubt that you will make the right choices for you and your family. One thing that I've learned here is that ultimately, we are the only ones living in our homes and at any given time we are doing the best right thing for us. You are not alone in your struggles...it's a strange land to live in sobriety with someone that is struggling to live in recovery. Lasting change takes a whole lot of work....not just sitting in chairs at a meeting. But sometimes, time and life experience lead to increasing awareness and the desire to do something different. The rooms and an outreached hand are always there and that is reassuring.

Thinking about you -

Callie

Lightseeker - I guess I didn't know your whole story. Thank you!

I read through all of these posts - mine included. I often wonder how many years we as codies waste on the addicts. Even if we are in recovery and they are not it's STILL hard. How we give chance after chance. All the while remaining unfulfilled. Throughout all of this advice, 'time' is sprinkled throughout. Give it time, time will tell, when you're ready the answers will come. I 100% agree with all of this advice.

But...

One of the hardest things for me though is that I have given it ALOT of time. As in 5+ years. In reality 15 years of DA most likely. All of that time spent...Waiting and waiting for things to change, get better, for him to get clean. I think of all of that time wasted. All of the unnecessary pain and unhappiness. Do I give it another month? 6 months? A year? When I look @ all the time I've already invested, I suppose another few months or so is nothing. But when I add up all the time already spent it makes me sick to my stomach. I look around and so everyone else living their lives. I am too, but I'm also still waiting. All of this chaos, turmoil is always there on the back burner. I can see things changing with H - yet I find myself waiting yet again wondering if it is for real this time.

I feel so much better just getting this out. I realize that H is changing. I'm glad for it, but I've not done this dance before. It's new to me and I'm struggling to make sense of it for myself.

Chino

If I'm unfulfilled it's because I'm not working my program and not taking care of myself.

lightseeker

yeah - the greatest unfolding mystery (at least to me LOL) is that I am responsible for me and my fulfillment and not whether husband is working a program. It's up to me to decide what IS best for me....and then by gosh - do it.

My experience is that you are done when you are done - then you don't even have to stick the fork in to check it out. You just know. When I look at how long I've been doing it only I can decide if I want to do it any longer.

When I was afraid to leave "before the miracle happened" then that was a good place to begin looking at what needed to be worked on in my own life. More and more I'm becoming convinced that the true miracle for me is being 100% toally responsible for me and my happiness. That is my real miracle and not whether he happens to create his own miracle. Then, all I have to do is to decide how close to stand to the fire and whether the heat from the chaos and drama is too much.

Let me tell you - although my husband's ex-wife quit waiting for the miracle she actually hasn't missed much at all - except a whole lot of self-centeredness, intermittant anger, judgement, and a lot of difficulty finding his way financially. Yes - it's a heck of a lot better than what she lived with but it sure ain't no miracle.

hello-kitty

Hey Callie. Sorry to hear about your husband.

I'm not around here very much any more. Super busy with work and taking care of my son. I'm so glad I don't accept liars as friends or lovers anymore. I don't have time for that kind of rollercoaster in my life. I value honesty and trust. Therefore I will not be in a relationship with someone who lies to me or has lied to me year in year out... It's that whole boundaries thing. I refuse to budge on them these days. I am responsible for my own happiness and my own life. If I don't like the way someone acts, I am free to leave the situation.

I will no longer live on promises and lies. Even if this time, he really means them.

By the way, as far as the methadone goes. My best friend was addicted to OXYs. She is now on methadone. She's not the same person she used to be - the person who was my best friend - the person BEFORE she started using oxys. Thank God methadone keeps her off street drugs, out of back alleys and keeps her from stealing to support her habit. But she can't go back to the way she was before. She's a different person now. I think she did permanent damage to herself, even though she denies it. Your husband will be different too. You may or may not decide you want to stay with him.

But guess what? His BAD choices are not your fault or your responsibility. You don't have to stay with him just because he's using methadone to stave off his addiction.

Until he deals with the underlying problems that caused his addiction in the first place, he'll still have those problems and they will manifest themselves in other ways. Addicts must learn how to cope with their problems.

Really it's not about your husband. He could relapse anytime. There are no guarantees he will stay clean - even with the methadone. Even with all the promises that he is done with the drugs.

It's about you. You are free to do what you think is best for you and your children. Put them first and put there stability first. And be honest with yourself.

My thoughts are with you. Things will work out for the best, I'm sure. No matter what your husband does.

lightseeker

I've never seen a truer statement...

"Until he deals with the underlying problems that caused his addiction in the first place, he'll still have those problems and they will manifest themselves in other ways. Addicts must learn how to cope with their problems."

It is not enough to just stop using. The issues, behaviors, traits, and characteristics that led to substance abuse still are all there. At least someone is sober enough to work on all of the other stuff but it's still all there. Living life is the real issue. My husband has said that this is a whole lot harder than stopping crack. And that wasn't easy. Unfortunately, all of those issues come out in ways that make living with someone very difficult. I guess that that is why I am finally able to get to the point where I am unwilling to even attempt living with someone that has been a substance abuser without a strong program in place. I've given him 4 years to prove that he can do it "his way" and I am fully satisfied that he can't. I know he can do it but is he willing? It actually takes a lot of time and effort and that is what my addict was trying to avoid. I love what "Hello Kitty" wrote and fully agree with it!

Suspicious

I dont have any answers for you Callie... my husband and I are way behind on the path of recovery. I flip flop almost daily whether I believe I have the strength to see this all they way thru till the end. One day I am certain I will settle for nothing less than having my husband totally back to the next day certain that I will be broken from all of this long before he even admits there is a problem.

I can tell you that you have been so strong through out all of this that I think that you are perfectly entitled to wanting to feel safe and happy without knowing that it could all slip away in an instant. Of course anyones happiness could do that without the issue of addiction but I bet 'normal' people with 'normal' lives dont think about it every day like we do.

lyssabee

Callie, I’ve been following your story on SR. My husband smoked crack and spent about a year and a half immersed in his addiction. After spending a summer in our hometown – I threw him out - he came back home, but I was uncertain for quite some time whether or not we would stay together. We struggled mightily to regain balance and sanity to our home, and after a couple of short relapses, he has been clean for a year.

You asked if trust ever returned, and I can say yes, but for me, not completely. I trust that when he leaves the house for work, that’s where he’s going, and when he says he’ll be home at 7:00, he will be. However, when he’s late/not where I expect (which isn’t often) eventually I wonder if he’s out using. It always comes to that. Also, sometimes it’s not a matter of trust as much as it is a matter of letting go. Last weekend he went to a neighboring city where he’s bought & used drugs before. I thought about what an enormous trigger that must be, but at the same time I realized that he would either use or he wouldn’t. We go plenty of places where he’s used, and he probably experiences triggers every day. I hoped he would do the right thing, and put it aside.

It was not easy to get to where we are today. We fought a lot, and said some horrible things to each other. Our lives are not the same, in ways you would expect and ways you wouldn’t. Today, we are great friends, but there is something still missing between us – an intensity, is the only way I can describe it - and that makes me very sad sometimes. But it’s where we are, and I choose to be in this marriage.

Everyone has choices. In fact it might be easier sometimes if we didn’t have choices! I have been where you are, and have struggled with leaving vs. staying. I desperately wanted someone to tell me what to do, and it sounds like you do too. But remember, as has been pointed out upthread, your decisions don’t have to be black & white, and they certainly don’t have to be permanent. Very few things are. He can be a good dad even if you don’t live together. You can still be married and not live together. The way I get through some days is to remember that not doing anything is okay. I don’t have to decide anything in that moment.

I want to comment on something I’ve noticed in your posts, about “normal” families. Happiness is not about stuff people have, or their outward appearance. What makes me happy might not be what makes you happy. And you might be surprised to learn that not everyone thinks – or cares! – that you have a seemingly perfect family. Try to stop worrying about other people.

In a way, all this has made me a better person. OK maybe not “better” – maybe more zen. I realize now that nothing is permanent, that everything could change in an instant, and I don’t always (or even usually!) have control over those changes. All I can do is keep on keeping on. Every day I get up and try to make good decisions, to be true to myself, to be a good wife, mother, and friend, and that’s all I can do. And that’s all you can do too.

I want to thank you for posting. Writing this has helped me sort out some things in my own mind – which explains the rambling, sorry - and most importantly has made me realize that I’ve become pretty complacent in my own boundaries – not that they are being tested, but they aren’t as clearly defined as they should be. I need to keep the focus on myself. Being married to an addict has robbed me of the ability to ever feel able to totally and completely depend on someone else. But maybe that isn’t such a bad thing.

Suspicious

Callie
What Anvil said really socked me in the gut too but it wasnt till I read your response that I felt comfortable in commenting. I have asked myself over & over is one of the problems H & I have because I cant be satisfied. He & I havent been together nearly as long as you and you H have but I remember when I first met H that I felt that I had finally found a relationship that I would fulfill me and be the kind of relationship that I had always felt I was missing out on. Then things changed. We had all the talks of growing old together and living happily ever after. Then like some teenage dummy I accidently got pregnant. Both of us had been married before with kids and I had no plans to ever have any more children. Looking back there was a time before the pregnancy when he had an injury that he received vicodins for and I was feeling like something wasnt right with us... was the rosy glow of a new relationship wearing off and we werent going to live happily ever after. Then there was a prob with his insurance and he quit going to the dr so no more meds. About then was when I got pregnant. I didnt even realize he had a problem with them at that time (maybe he didnt either) but by then the man I had first met was back and I felt secure in our relationship again. Flashforward to about 3-4 years ago and I start feeling like something just wasnt right. Too many times to count I have thought that the only reason we were still together was because of the child we had together. At times I still think that, telling myself that I am just looking for an excuse for him being so distant and it must be easier to think it is because of some pill instead of just that he had fallen out of love with me.
I spent most of the time before I realized that he had a problem with the pills thinking if I just ______ then I or we can be happy.

No one can tell me any louder than I tell myself that I am making myself crazy letting my mind go around in these circles and try as I might as soon as I slow down long enough to think this situation is always the first thing to pop into my mind. At the moment I have only 2 speeds... too busy to think about it or thinking about it.