I stayed with my 1st husband when he got sober. And he went to a meeting almost every day, but did not thoroughly work the steps. I went to a meeting 3 or 4 times a week and THAT is where I got my answers and my life back. We were together for 8 years that he was sober...and yes, after a while I did begin to trust him again. I met quite a few women in Alanon who had rebuilt their marriage when their spouse got clean and sober. It is a different life...a life filled with meetings and "program" people. After 8 years, he did relapse and I left (but that's a long story). And yes, I was willing to give my 2nd husband another chance when he got clean and sober and I was beginning to trust again. It takes time if you make it....and like someone else said....it doesn't have to be today. They say in the program the first YEAR is the roughest. And you haven't even survived that yet. They also say NO big decisions in the first year of the program. My sponsor told me that means leaving my husband if he is not violent and is working his program. I however, was never ashamed of my second husband. I was very proud of the accomplishment he made when he was clean. And I didn't carry the mistakes he made when he was using into our relationship when he was clean and sober. Even though he's gone back to using....I'm still his biggest fan. I still know that somewhere inside is a good, kind, loving man and I pray for him every day.
But lastly, I also feel that once you no longer have respect for that man, it is most likely pretty much over. Not sure it made a lot of sense. I have been on both sides. I found myself finally hating my 1st husband and I would never have gone back. My 2nd husband...if he called a year from now and said "I've made it a year. I want to try again." I would....