Thanks KJ - I was hoping you'd see my post...
Personally, I'm a big proponent of DRT. If a person applies it in a dedicated way, taking it just as prescribed, never skipping, never double-dosing, always discussing any dose changes with a doctor. And if that same person attends meetings and addresses the issues that drive their addict brain. Those are two very big ifs. And I see no reason to put a time limit on DRT, either. Some people, I believe, have permanently fried their brains' ability to produce endorphins, and have to rely on chemicals to replace them.
My biggest fear with methadone was his past abuse. I did NOT want him to go on it, but really he'd exhausted all options and if his endorphins are messed up he really had no choice. He does have to go to so many meetings per week and meet with his counselor/doctor quite a bit too. He's not found a 'home' group yet for meetings. You can see that I've had trouble finding a meeting, H has a hard time either finding a NA or AA group. I think he likes the AA group better than NA??
Truth be told, I think he'll be alot like Marles daughter. Going to meetings, knowing the steps etc. I doubt he'll ever fully work the steps and really dig deep to find out WHY he started drugs. That's just not him. He for sure is not as in touch with his feelings as I'd like for him to be. I for sure want and need more intellectually. I just think that will always be an area that he'll falter in. He's kind of has the attitude that his childhood was in the past, deal with the issues as best as you can and leave it there.
He does have a big heart and would do anything for me (except quit drugs!
) but he's kind of a man's man if you will when it comes to opening up a whole lot or crying or wearing his heart on his sleeve.
As far as what I want? I really don't know right now. I want to be at peace, I want to be happy. I want to do simple, meaningful things in my life every day with my kids. I don't want to fix or repair or chase or control anything anymore. I want to bake cookies with my kids and be IN THE MOMENT. I don't want to be going through all of the motions that a mom should go through, but not have my mind be there because it's entertwined in H's addiction. I want to be able to coach soccer or be a room mother or host sleepovers and be IN THE MOMENT. I want to ENJOY it and not just do it because I feel I should. I want to be BORED! I don't want my mind to swim. I want to be able to concentrate long enough to read a book. A GOOD book. NOT about addiction or codependency or any of that crap. I don't want to cry or pace or panic or chase him down. I don't want to power dial the phone in frantic measures wondering where he is or what he's doing. I don't want to be in damage control mode every time I sense something.
I want someone that I can depend on. If he's to get the kids, I want him to be able to do it on time WITHOUT me calling him 27x to remind him and then 5x to make sure he actually got them. I want someone who is responsible and trustworthy and dependable.
I fully understand your 'poker scenario'. I DO have alot of time invested in him, but that does not mean that I have to put more time into him. I think the hardest thing is that he'd dabbled for about 10 years prior to me even finding out about his problem. I'd been fighting him over his behavior and had NO CLUE that it was due to drug use.
So far H has been doing very well on methadone. He's been doing what he's suppose to be doing. Again he did use initially when the dose was low because he was still sick, but just today he commented on how good he feels. I'm glad for him. I'm glad for me too. If we choose to divorce at least he's in a good place mentally/physically with the methadone.
Thanks again guys. Without you I'd feel so alone. I lived alone with his addiction for many years. I only found SR 1.5 years ago. I don't know what I'd do without all of my cyberfriends.