Single...dealing with an Addict!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
This was my first relationship with someone with addiction and co-dependency issues. She hid it for a year before I started to catch on (and had I found this place earlier I may have made better decisions….earlier to get out of it…I don’t think anyone WANTS a life of pain, but it is easy to be manipulated by an addict and it helps to get external perspective – to force us to see reality and maybe break thru our own denial). Yes, we have an easier ability to pack it in and walk away than if we are married or with a child or parent who’s addicted.
The beauty of this place and what I feel was missed by the original poster is that A – without posting here I don’t know if I would have even understood what I was dealing with, or about boundaries or anything like that. B – in a sense, for me and a lot of others…for whatever reason we are addicted. My emotional struggles and difficulty were recognized to be very much the same as breaking away from a DOC (in fact after I described this highs and lows of my relationship and what I got out it a RA friend of mine said I just perfectly described using heroin!).
This isn’t easy for any of us, though severities may vary. I thank God for this place and the ability to discuss co-dependence, relationships, addiction, and how to help both ourselves and the people we care so deeply about.
The beauty of this place and what I feel was missed by the original poster is that A – without posting here I don’t know if I would have even understood what I was dealing with, or about boundaries or anything like that. B – in a sense, for me and a lot of others…for whatever reason we are addicted. My emotional struggles and difficulty were recognized to be very much the same as breaking away from a DOC (in fact after I described this highs and lows of my relationship and what I got out it a RA friend of mine said I just perfectly described using heroin!).
This isn’t easy for any of us, though severities may vary. I thank God for this place and the ability to discuss co-dependence, relationships, addiction, and how to help both ourselves and the people we care so deeply about.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by IPT 
I don’t think anyone WANTS a life of pain, but it is easy to be manipulated by an addict and it helps to get external perspective – to force us to see reality and maybe break thru our own denial). Yes, we have an easier ability to pack it in and walk away than if we are married or with a child or parent who’s addicted.
This isn’t easy for any of us, though severities may vary. I thank God for this place and the ability to discuss co-dependence, relationships, addiction, and how to help both ourselves and the people we care so deeply about.
This isn’t easy for any of us, though severities may vary. I thank God for this place and the ability to discuss co-dependence, relationships, addiction, and how to help both ourselves and the people we care so deeply about.
There's a saying I like: "If my pain hurts me more than your's hurts me, then my pain is greater"
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
Rose, I understand your passion, and see why you say what you say. Please understand though, not everyone is on the same part of this path as you. It seems at one time you were where others stood, and asking them, or us to be where you are is not fair without direction and support. If I am driving to a destination and was told to just get there with no directions, well I would have a hard time. If my car ran out of gas; energy and was told to just get there, again I would have an even harder time. Not everyone is in the position to just do what you did. As much as some of us envy the position you are in now, it will take time and to get there. The only way we will get to our own happiness is by our own work.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 456
I agree, if anything at times living with an active addict IS living alone.
They are not in my home, they don't pay my bills, they are not there emotionally... In some ways (not all) it runs very parallel to living alone.
They are not in my home, they don't pay my bills, they are not there emotionally... In some ways (not all) it runs very parallel to living alone.
Originally Posted by Daisy09
There is an assumption being made by the OP that anyone who remains in a relationship with a loved-one suffering from addiction is doing so out of fear. For me, this is certainly not the case. I have no fear of living alone if it eventually comes to that, I am staying with my husband because I love him. Addiction is not a choice he made, it is a terrible fate which has befallen him. If he had developed schizophrenia, or any other mental illness, I would not say "well, this could affect me negatively, so I better 'let go or be dragged'." We have worked together, as a team, to overcome many difficulties in our past, and I don't see why our current situation should be any different.
I think it's important to remember that everyone's situation is different, and no one has any right to tell others what to do. I try to speak only of my own situation, since that is the only one I know, and let people make their own decisions for themselves.
My $.02,
Daisy
I think it's important to remember that everyone's situation is different, and no one has any right to tell others what to do. I try to speak only of my own situation, since that is the only one I know, and let people make their own decisions for themselves.
My $.02,
Daisy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Originally Posted by Done_With_It
I hope we can go back to remembering we are all in this together. No matter what stage or our recovery, no matter what side of the street we are on or in. NONE of us here would be at the same stage of our recovery without each other.
Thank God for this forum, because I know that I learn from each & every one of the members.
Chris
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I have to say that my post was very harsh and some of my remarks were very uncalled for. In no way would I want to offend anyone here, as each and everyone of you have been here for me. I am sorry to all that I might have offened.
I was in contact with my ex-in-laws, nothing bad, they just came into town and took the boys out for dinner. Her eyes still have this hurt and pain in them, as the 4 of them left for dinner, I just felt such an anger as to what their son, the boys dad have done to all of them. His sickness of addiction distroyed his family. It left me a mess for years, at times I had feelings like I hated him, but I know I still carry a great deal of love for him as well. Everybody hurts.
After time and reaching out for help, I slowly but surely got back up on my feet, was able to make a knew life, never to forget the pain, but not living in it. My boys still to this day will not mention their dad's name infront of anyone, they don't want to be asked where there dad is.
I so understand how each and everyone of us hurts when one of our loved ones is in the midst of addiction and letting go is not just as easy as saying it, it is very very emotional and upsetting. I guess my anger boiled over lastnight seeing 4 people with so much hurt from an addict. It still effects me to, as you can see, I still have alot of recovery to do on myself.
I just hate to see anyone going down that road and getting in deeper, you don't want to end up being a pshyco woman like me!
Again, I am sorry to have written so hastly!
Rose
I was in contact with my ex-in-laws, nothing bad, they just came into town and took the boys out for dinner. Her eyes still have this hurt and pain in them, as the 4 of them left for dinner, I just felt such an anger as to what their son, the boys dad have done to all of them. His sickness of addiction distroyed his family. It left me a mess for years, at times I had feelings like I hated him, but I know I still carry a great deal of love for him as well. Everybody hurts.
After time and reaching out for help, I slowly but surely got back up on my feet, was able to make a knew life, never to forget the pain, but not living in it. My boys still to this day will not mention their dad's name infront of anyone, they don't want to be asked where there dad is.
I so understand how each and everyone of us hurts when one of our loved ones is in the midst of addiction and letting go is not just as easy as saying it, it is very very emotional and upsetting. I guess my anger boiled over lastnight seeing 4 people with so much hurt from an addict. It still effects me to, as you can see, I still have alot of recovery to do on myself.
I just hate to see anyone going down that road and getting in deeper, you don't want to end up being a pshyco woman like me!
Again, I am sorry to have written so hastly!
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Rose,
Your frustration is something I often feel, too, when I see people so lost in pain from a breakup with an addict, because you and I both know that addicts ALWAYS bring pain and like Jon's famous post says, we want to scream at them "STOP BEING SURPRISED." Addicts ALWAYS HURT PEOPLE.
But I have a good memory and I remember what I was like, when an addict I cherished and who I thought cherished me FLIPPED.
I believe it is the personality flip that traumatizes people. It isn't like a regular relationship, with normal fights or a normal breakup when the personality basically stays the same.
The addict becomes SOMEONE ELSE when he acts out the viciousness or coldness or punishing that targets US. And we can't believe it. We can't absorb it. It makes us feel crazy and we respond to it in extreme ways, because we are traumatized.
Because it is so unimaginable to us, what the addict has done, we try again and again and again to make sense of it. We try to reason with the addict, we try to prove things to the addict, we try to defend ourselves, we try to lay open our hearts and expose every part of us in hopes the addict will believe he or she is LOVED.
We are experiencing emotional disaster unlike other relationships because the addict has flipped. Dr. Jekyll has turned into Mr. Hyde before our eyes. The reason that story is so horrifying is because it IS horrifying when someone you thought you knew turns into someone terrible. Terrible because he or she unleashes all that bottled up poison inside them onto you.
People stay with the addict, dazed and traumatized, trying to find equilibrium again. Or they leave the addict but it takes them not just months but sometimes years to get over the trauma.
I can never watch the movie "The Shining." Because when Jack Nicholson flips, to me it embodies the addict. And it is too horrifying because it is too true.
I know just how you feel, Rose. You ask WHY do these people who are not even married to the addict become so overwrought with pain and emotional disintegration?
But I know why. It happened to me.
So I bring my experience to this forum and attempt to support them until they can find clear thinking again, and a heart that is no longer so shattered.
Your post was honest and courageous. You see suffering and want to help.
Bluejay
Your frustration is something I often feel, too, when I see people so lost in pain from a breakup with an addict, because you and I both know that addicts ALWAYS bring pain and like Jon's famous post says, we want to scream at them "STOP BEING SURPRISED." Addicts ALWAYS HURT PEOPLE.
But I have a good memory and I remember what I was like, when an addict I cherished and who I thought cherished me FLIPPED.
I believe it is the personality flip that traumatizes people. It isn't like a regular relationship, with normal fights or a normal breakup when the personality basically stays the same.
The addict becomes SOMEONE ELSE when he acts out the viciousness or coldness or punishing that targets US. And we can't believe it. We can't absorb it. It makes us feel crazy and we respond to it in extreme ways, because we are traumatized.
Because it is so unimaginable to us, what the addict has done, we try again and again and again to make sense of it. We try to reason with the addict, we try to prove things to the addict, we try to defend ourselves, we try to lay open our hearts and expose every part of us in hopes the addict will believe he or she is LOVED.
We are experiencing emotional disaster unlike other relationships because the addict has flipped. Dr. Jekyll has turned into Mr. Hyde before our eyes. The reason that story is so horrifying is because it IS horrifying when someone you thought you knew turns into someone terrible. Terrible because he or she unleashes all that bottled up poison inside them onto you.
People stay with the addict, dazed and traumatized, trying to find equilibrium again. Or they leave the addict but it takes them not just months but sometimes years to get over the trauma.
I can never watch the movie "The Shining." Because when Jack Nicholson flips, to me it embodies the addict. And it is too horrifying because it is too true.
I know just how you feel, Rose. You ask WHY do these people who are not even married to the addict become so overwrought with pain and emotional disintegration?
But I know why. It happened to me.
So I bring my experience to this forum and attempt to support them until they can find clear thinking again, and a heart that is no longer so shattered.
Your post was honest and courageous. You see suffering and want to help.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Gosh Blue Jay........ you do remember it. In quite good detail too. I oh so hope that I don't have years to get over the trauma ... it was nearly 3 years. But over the course of my adult life - there have been 3 addicts... and I'd say it would be a total 8-9 years. ? But this time.... I'm not doing any suppressing ... take care of it all .. so maybe it will be years. Actually - I don't want to even think about that.... time is really the only thing I can count on right now.
Here is something I journaled the night before the intervention that was done on my now *x*... just a little more than a year ago.
"You turn on a switch of a dime and appear as though you are fine...... where it leaves me in a state of confusion. I feel disconnected from you and as if you are full of rubber. Your presence is not available. I am still stuck in the way we were..... I'm not high ... I don't get high to run away from it... but you get to! We are a team and I expect to have the same kind of regularities with you - someone I can depend on and count on - someone I can trust - someone who doesn't have to lie to do the things he wants to do. It's like building memories, and then saying goodbye... but in your world... you think it's "hello" because you feel better. But you aren't being authentic which is needed in the space that I keep ... for me to breathe and be easy. When you get high it throws our world ... not just a collision of worlds, but a train wreck. And the boys are the spectators.
It is not okay for them to see such drastic changes in someone and feel disconnected with someone they share a home with.
I cant stand hearing you say you don't know why you are feeling this way... that it must be all these other things.... you are too smart to know better.... or you think I'm too dumb and will believe your lies and not know better. "
Here is something I journaled the night before the intervention that was done on my now *x*... just a little more than a year ago.
"You turn on a switch of a dime and appear as though you are fine...... where it leaves me in a state of confusion. I feel disconnected from you and as if you are full of rubber. Your presence is not available. I am still stuck in the way we were..... I'm not high ... I don't get high to run away from it... but you get to! We are a team and I expect to have the same kind of regularities with you - someone I can depend on and count on - someone I can trust - someone who doesn't have to lie to do the things he wants to do. It's like building memories, and then saying goodbye... but in your world... you think it's "hello" because you feel better. But you aren't being authentic which is needed in the space that I keep ... for me to breathe and be easy. When you get high it throws our world ... not just a collision of worlds, but a train wreck. And the boys are the spectators.
It is not okay for them to see such drastic changes in someone and feel disconnected with someone they share a home with.
I cant stand hearing you say you don't know why you are feeling this way... that it must be all these other things.... you are too smart to know better.... or you think I'm too dumb and will believe your lies and not know better. "
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I really must admit that when I read your post Rose, I totally understood where you were coming from. I have been so desperate to be free of such trauma, pain and sheer hell that has come into my life through my son's addictions, that I have wanted to run far away and never look back because I knew that I just couldn't take it anymore, but it was my child who was so sick from the drugs and alcohol that I couldn't just run, no matter how much I wanted to and really needed to. I couldn't imagine staying when it wasn't my own blood relative. I understand that one of us is hurting as much as any other, but I really think that Rose was just not able to comprehend why anyone wouldn't just run while they had they chance before they get in over there head and there's no way out. It all hurts just so unbelievably bad that it's unimaginable that someone wouldn't run away hard and fast if they at all could. I think that she is just scared for everyone, just as I am. It's just way too much pain and horror. I do understand completely where you're coming from Rose, no matter how it sounded.
((((((((((((((Comforting Hugs)))))))))))))))))
((((((((((((((Comforting Hugs)))))))))))))))))
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Originally Posted by rose
After time and reaching out for help, I slowly but surely got back up on my feet, was able to make a knew life
Searching for answers outside ones self ... unknowingly sets you on the doorstep of our own recovery ... opening the door (coming to this forum) reading post after post sets the journey into motion.
Finding out that you are not alone and that others have walked the path before you ... is like a sigh of relief ...
Living with an addict is like being stranded in the desert with nothing to eat or drink. Find SR is like a tall cold drink ... you may not like the taste, but it helps quinch your thirst. (i hope that makes sense LOL) reading post (eating little bites) feeding your brain, bite by bite you begin to nourish yourself back to health ... daily reading and posting begin to strengthen you. Knowledge is power!
Posting is reaching out for help. It is a joining of hands. Wisdom doesn't yank and pull, push or shove one in, but gently guides them at their own pace.
Just as we had to find our way .. so do others ... and by reading, re-reading, posting, searching for answers, interacting they are getting up, dusting themselves off and taking step after step .. sometimes stopping to rest, pausing for a moment, watching, applying what they've learned, seeing that it does work and what is said on here is true. They learn that they can trust the information and knowledge posted on here and they are anchored, safe ... time is on their side. And as long as they don't let go or give up the journey leads them back to themselves.
Once lost .. they are now found.
The key to freedom is within.
Change is an inside job.
You can see people all over this forum reaching out for help ... you can read where slowly, but surely they are able to get back up on their feet and you can read where many have made a new life for themselves. Recovery is a process not an event. We arrive when we get there.
Just my 2 cents,
Passion
When the student is ready .. the teacher will appear.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((Rose)))) you don't need to be sorry for this post. Maybe a lot of us here wish and hope when some one comes in obsessing about a under a year relationship that they just can't let go of that they will get it and walk away.
I know I have wanted to reach thru the computer screen and try to choke some sense into some of the people here.(good thing I can't huh) It is maddening but I still can understand how they feel. Cause I have been there.
Having an addict in your life is a lot like stepping on a big wad of gum in a hot parking lot and trying to get it off the shoe alot of times you just have to keep walking even though the shoe is still sticking to the pavement but eventually it wears off if you keep walking.
We can be grateful for the ones that have been helped and for the ones who could let go. We can pray for the ones that are having a harder time and let go of the out come.
I still worry about some of the people who have been in here so desperate and all of a sudden they are gone and maybe I will never know if they are alright. I pray for them too.
But some times a little harshness is a good thing if it helps someone to wake up.
I know I have wanted to reach thru the computer screen and try to choke some sense into some of the people here.(good thing I can't huh) It is maddening but I still can understand how they feel. Cause I have been there.
Having an addict in your life is a lot like stepping on a big wad of gum in a hot parking lot and trying to get it off the shoe alot of times you just have to keep walking even though the shoe is still sticking to the pavement but eventually it wears off if you keep walking.
We can be grateful for the ones that have been helped and for the ones who could let go. We can pray for the ones that are having a harder time and let go of the out come.
I still worry about some of the people who have been in here so desperate and all of a sudden they are gone and maybe I will never know if they are alright. I pray for them too.
But some times a little harshness is a good thing if it helps someone to wake up.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Slendra,
I too often wonder about others who have been here and to never here from them again.
Two people I met a few times as we lived within an hour or 2 away from each other. We each had each others phone numbers, but their phones are no longer in service and never to be seen again here. I pray for them as well.
Rose
I too often wonder about others who have been here and to never here from them again.
Two people I met a few times as we lived within an hour or 2 away from each other. We each had each others phone numbers, but their phones are no longer in service and never to be seen again here. I pray for them as well.
Rose
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by rose
No it was not. I quess, that I am saying is, bye bye. You are not in any contected to him. I fell madness when it is a BF or GF relationship, I know it hurts and you crying, but when you have a life of conecions and then I read of your problems with the addict, reallly I could scream.
What I am trying to say, if Your addicct is a BF or GF, there is a true hurt, a hurt we all know to much of. But, to keep on day for day living it, nothing is keeping you here.
I have to say Grow Up, see what others our going through, this board is not about relationships, it is about addiction....
Rose
What I am trying to say, if Your addicct is a BF or GF, there is a true hurt, a hurt we all know to much of. But, to keep on day for day living it, nothing is keeping you here.
I have to say Grow Up, see what others our going through, this board is not about relationships, it is about addiction....
Rose
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I have to say that my post was very harsh and some of my remarks were very uncalled for. In no way would I want to offend anyone here, as each and everyone of you have been here for me. I am sorry to all that I might have offened.
I so understand how each and everyone of us hurts when one of our loved ones is in the midst of addiction and letting go is not just as easy as saying it, it is very very emotional and upsetting. I guess my anger boiled over lastnight seeing 4 people with so much hurt from an addict. It still effects me to, as you can see, I still have alot of recovery to do on myself.
I just hate to see anyone going down that road and getting in deeper, you don't want to end up being a pshyco woman like me!
Again, I am sorry to have written so hastly!
Rose
URMYEVERYTHING,
Yes I know it was harsh, like I have above posted. I think enough has been said in this post, it was not one of my better days!
Cheers!
Rose
I so understand how each and everyone of us hurts when one of our loved ones is in the midst of addiction and letting go is not just as easy as saying it, it is very very emotional and upsetting. I guess my anger boiled over lastnight seeing 4 people with so much hurt from an addict. It still effects me to, as you can see, I still have alot of recovery to do on myself.
I just hate to see anyone going down that road and getting in deeper, you don't want to end up being a pshyco woman like me!
Again, I am sorry to have written so hastly!
Rose
URMYEVERYTHING,
Yes I know it was harsh, like I have above posted. I think enough has been said in this post, it was not one of my better days!
Cheers!
Rose
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
(((Rose))) I think we all, who have found peace and serenity, would like to save those who follow from the same pain we suffered.
What I have learned is that others can and will find the same peace, but only by following their own paths and learning their own lessons and all we can do is share our own experience, strength and hope to add light to their path.
I often say that I would not wish my life on my worst enemy, but nor would I trade a day of it with anyone because the pain I found along the way led me to the good path I travel today.
Your heart is good, Rose, and your love and light shines brightly here. When others want what you have, you have already done your part to help them find a better way.
Big Hugs and Lotsa Love
What I have learned is that others can and will find the same peace, but only by following their own paths and learning their own lessons and all we can do is share our own experience, strength and hope to add light to their path.
I often say that I would not wish my life on my worst enemy, but nor would I trade a day of it with anyone because the pain I found along the way led me to the good path I travel today.
Your heart is good, Rose, and your love and light shines brightly here. When others want what you have, you have already done your part to help them find a better way.
Big Hugs and Lotsa Love
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Thanks for your post Rose. It angers me too to see some still going through the phases. I, myself, slip and go through the phases as well but then I'm back up and stronger than I was a couple of months ago. With your experiences, you will help others eventually get it about addiction.
I often stress, that it's the addict we hate, not the people. I'm sure that if your addict made a commitment to make amends and work his recovery, your heart would open up just a little bit.
I have learned to let go of the anger and resentment towards my addict. My anger and resentment is my drug as Heroin is his. It keeps him stuck just as much as my anger and resentment keep me stuck.
I pray for you and hope that we can help you let that go and work on rebuilding yourself to a stronger, more beautiful Rose. ((HUGS))
I often stress, that it's the addict we hate, not the people. I'm sure that if your addict made a commitment to make amends and work his recovery, your heart would open up just a little bit.
I have learned to let go of the anger and resentment towards my addict. My anger and resentment is my drug as Heroin is his. It keeps him stuck just as much as my anger and resentment keep me stuck.
I pray for you and hope that we can help you let that go and work on rebuilding yourself to a stronger, more beautiful Rose. ((HUGS))
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