Single...dealing with an Addict!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
Single...dealing with an Addict!
Hi Everyone,
I hope that this post does not come off as harsh. Lately there have been so many posts, My BF, My GF is an addict. You don't have to be there, I am sure you have read all sorts of articles of addicts. It is them to a Tee. What keeps you there? Over and over again, your hearts are broken, wanting a life with this perosn who came off as charming, loving, caring, funnyy ect.
Addicts are people, but people with a real bad sickness. What they say or do is can be a fun loving person, addicts are not bad people, they just have a sickness, above are control. Why is it that you choose to keep yourselves in volved and try to save them. All you get back is worry. Nobody and I mean nobody can stop there choices. You have had a front row seat of their actions, yet you still keep trying. Why? The world is full of healthy poeple , yet you choose to live your life in trying to save this person who is sick...that has every chance in the world to get better but they choose to stay just where they are. You get more upset when they choose to stay on the same path. There is nothing you can do, you can not be their saviour. Yes you can love them and pray for help for them....so I have to ask again why stay or keep yourself in the midst of they are the only thought you have in your head.
I have to ask, do you really read all posts on here, or just ones that relay to what you are going through. Have you read posts from moms or dads that have an addict and it is their spouse, plus they have kids, that they are trying to deal with why mom or dad is not there. We have family, houses, unpaid bills, plus trying to deal with the emotional problems big time. Trying telling you children why mom or dad is not hear.
Is this something you really want to deal with, again I have to ask why, you have big thoughts of a happy life, well life is not happy. A constent fear or if you are going to have money left to put food on the table for yours and his or her....
You are not the mom or dad or this child, you just can't go out and get another child, that I can so see, grasping at anything to make them see what they are doing to themselves...plus then having to let them go and let them see rock bottom. How a parent must feel.
Your thoughts and worries about a man or woman that you fell in love with and putting yourselves throught this....surely you are not that lonely. Really go and see someone. Read all POSTS, not just ones that apply to your single life with an addict.
I had to leave a marriage of 20 year or more, with 2 teen kids. Stop picking out posts that relate to you, read them all, your heartbreak does not have to be, you are keeping yourselves in this chaos....
So they have another boyfiend or girlfriend, they are out their, so be it....you could have been the Mother, father ,wife , son....
You choose to live the way you want and why or why would you choose to live like this when you don't have to.
Something is not right for someone to be so obessed with an addict, do yourself a favour and seek some help, really! You have no ties, yet it comsumes your life! Plus read more on other postes...!
For me, yes I trid and tried to get my husband to stop. He has 2 sons that he could not stop for. Through is blood line, I am speaking about his parents and sibling, I as his wife, out of all of this I can go on, his family has to live
You are the only one to make that choice, I say get a grip stop playing the peety party, wasting your life and chalk it up...
I know it hurts and you love them, but please read more posts, you just jump in when it applies to you. Read more and see what it is like for a mom or dad or for us that have children with them.
Never in a day will you ever get..I am sorry.
Seek some help! Something more is gong on for you to want to beg an addict to live with you, when all you have been shown it crap...!
Rose
I hope that this post does not come off as harsh. Lately there have been so many posts, My BF, My GF is an addict. You don't have to be there, I am sure you have read all sorts of articles of addicts. It is them to a Tee. What keeps you there? Over and over again, your hearts are broken, wanting a life with this perosn who came off as charming, loving, caring, funnyy ect.
Addicts are people, but people with a real bad sickness. What they say or do is can be a fun loving person, addicts are not bad people, they just have a sickness, above are control. Why is it that you choose to keep yourselves in volved and try to save them. All you get back is worry. Nobody and I mean nobody can stop there choices. You have had a front row seat of their actions, yet you still keep trying. Why? The world is full of healthy poeple , yet you choose to live your life in trying to save this person who is sick...that has every chance in the world to get better but they choose to stay just where they are. You get more upset when they choose to stay on the same path. There is nothing you can do, you can not be their saviour. Yes you can love them and pray for help for them....so I have to ask again why stay or keep yourself in the midst of they are the only thought you have in your head.
I have to ask, do you really read all posts on here, or just ones that relay to what you are going through. Have you read posts from moms or dads that have an addict and it is their spouse, plus they have kids, that they are trying to deal with why mom or dad is not there. We have family, houses, unpaid bills, plus trying to deal with the emotional problems big time. Trying telling you children why mom or dad is not hear.
Is this something you really want to deal with, again I have to ask why, you have big thoughts of a happy life, well life is not happy. A constent fear or if you are going to have money left to put food on the table for yours and his or her....
You are not the mom or dad or this child, you just can't go out and get another child, that I can so see, grasping at anything to make them see what they are doing to themselves...plus then having to let them go and let them see rock bottom. How a parent must feel.
Your thoughts and worries about a man or woman that you fell in love with and putting yourselves throught this....surely you are not that lonely. Really go and see someone. Read all POSTS, not just ones that apply to your single life with an addict.
I had to leave a marriage of 20 year or more, with 2 teen kids. Stop picking out posts that relate to you, read them all, your heartbreak does not have to be, you are keeping yourselves in this chaos....
So they have another boyfiend or girlfriend, they are out their, so be it....you could have been the Mother, father ,wife , son....
You choose to live the way you want and why or why would you choose to live like this when you don't have to.
Something is not right for someone to be so obessed with an addict, do yourself a favour and seek some help, really! You have no ties, yet it comsumes your life! Plus read more on other postes...!
For me, yes I trid and tried to get my husband to stop. He has 2 sons that he could not stop for. Through is blood line, I am speaking about his parents and sibling, I as his wife, out of all of this I can go on, his family has to live
You are the only one to make that choice, I say get a grip stop playing the peety party, wasting your life and chalk it up...
I know it hurts and you love them, but please read more posts, you just jump in when it applies to you. Read more and see what it is like for a mom or dad or for us that have children with them.
Never in a day will you ever get..I am sorry.
Seek some help! Something more is gong on for you to want to beg an addict to live with you, when all you have been shown it crap...!
Rose
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
I think sometimes it's hard for people to stop looking at the addict to solve their problems, fears, anxieties, or at least help alleviate some of it, just as much as it is for the addict to stop looking to the drug.
In many ways that is what draws them together. Sometimes non addicts think they are different than addicts, but many of the feelings are very much the same.
A lot of times when we are accusing someone of doing something often times we are doing the same things ourselves.
How many times do I stop when I am mad at someone, and say, well why am I mad at her, I'm doing the same thing?.... But it still pisses me off, (somewhere I still must be right?, lol) But once I let my ego go.... kind hard not to see.
Until one is ready to look inside themselves to find answers, it can be pretty hard to let go.
My feelings of codependecy of people and drugs were very much the same.
But once you learn to let go, really let go and find the strength inside of yourself, you find you are the only person you ever really need.
Or that's how it's been for me anyway.
Took me a long time to get there though.
****{Rose}}} good post! :ghug3
In many ways that is what draws them together. Sometimes non addicts think they are different than addicts, but many of the feelings are very much the same.
A lot of times when we are accusing someone of doing something often times we are doing the same things ourselves.
How many times do I stop when I am mad at someone, and say, well why am I mad at her, I'm doing the same thing?.... But it still pisses me off, (somewhere I still must be right?, lol) But once I let my ego go.... kind hard not to see.
Until one is ready to look inside themselves to find answers, it can be pretty hard to let go.
My feelings of codependecy of people and drugs were very much the same.
But once you learn to let go, really let go and find the strength inside of yourself, you find you are the only person you ever really need.
Or that's how it's been for me anyway.
Took me a long time to get there though.
****{Rose}}} good post! :ghug3
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Rose, your thread takes me back and makes me ask myself why I tolerated what I did for as long as I did before I finally let go, and the answer is "fear".
I was afraid my son would die and I thought that if we gave him a good home, a good diet, a job and a good life, that he would choose to give up drugs, and he did for a while several times. Sometimes it was for weeks, sometimes for a year and once for a couple of years, but his addiction was bigger than any of us and all the love in the world could not make him stop. Our son was a foster son who came from a birth family where every single person in his family was addicted to something, and he knew what addiction could do. His birth sister died in her disease, and yet, knowing what he knew, he still could not stop.
It wasn't until I was as sick as he was, it wasn't until I had spent far too many nights driving in areas that no mama should ever go, it wasn't until I stood at a crack house door threatening to kick it down if he didn't come out, that I finally saw MY insanity and my part in the codependent dance. It was only then that I surrendered and gave my son to God's care, when I knew I could not do one more day of it.
Meetings helped me find my balance again. The 12 steps of this program promised to restore me to sanity and I only believed it could when I looked around the rooms and saw others who had been where I was and who had something I wanted...serenity, peace, and happy lives, regardless of how their addict was doing. I wanted what they had and I was willing to do whatever I had to do to find it. My very life depended on it.
Those who went before me led me gently to a better path. And those who are just coming in the door today help me to find gratitude for what was so freely given to me and inspire me to pass it on, because that's how this program works, one codie helping another.
For those who are lost in their fear, for those who KNOW that addiction is a family disease that affects each one of us, I say "stick around, there IS hope for a better life and the promise of inner peace and a life worth living". It takes a lot of work but it happens one baby step at a time and you are no longer alone.
Thanks, Rose, for this reminder to that life doesn't have to be so hard and that tomorrow can be a new beginning for any one of us.
Hugs
I was afraid my son would die and I thought that if we gave him a good home, a good diet, a job and a good life, that he would choose to give up drugs, and he did for a while several times. Sometimes it was for weeks, sometimes for a year and once for a couple of years, but his addiction was bigger than any of us and all the love in the world could not make him stop. Our son was a foster son who came from a birth family where every single person in his family was addicted to something, and he knew what addiction could do. His birth sister died in her disease, and yet, knowing what he knew, he still could not stop.
It wasn't until I was as sick as he was, it wasn't until I had spent far too many nights driving in areas that no mama should ever go, it wasn't until I stood at a crack house door threatening to kick it down if he didn't come out, that I finally saw MY insanity and my part in the codependent dance. It was only then that I surrendered and gave my son to God's care, when I knew I could not do one more day of it.
Meetings helped me find my balance again. The 12 steps of this program promised to restore me to sanity and I only believed it could when I looked around the rooms and saw others who had been where I was and who had something I wanted...serenity, peace, and happy lives, regardless of how their addict was doing. I wanted what they had and I was willing to do whatever I had to do to find it. My very life depended on it.
Those who went before me led me gently to a better path. And those who are just coming in the door today help me to find gratitude for what was so freely given to me and inspire me to pass it on, because that's how this program works, one codie helping another.
For those who are lost in their fear, for those who KNOW that addiction is a family disease that affects each one of us, I say "stick around, there IS hope for a better life and the promise of inner peace and a life worth living". It takes a lot of work but it happens one baby step at a time and you are no longer alone.
Thanks, Rose, for this reminder to that life doesn't have to be so hard and that tomorrow can be a new beginning for any one of us.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 494
Originally Posted by rose 
Never in a day will you ever get..I am sorry.
Seek some help! Something more is gong on for you to want to beg an addict to live with you, when all you have been shown it crap...!
Rose
Seek some help! Something more is gong on for you to want to beg an addict to live with you, when all you have been shown it crap...!
Rose
Well I sure hope that first part of the quote isn't true. In fact it is because of this place that I am "getting it". I am sure it is infinitely harder when you can’t just walk away because of children, or that they are your child. I can only speak for myself, I do read almost every thread in this area. It’s heart breaking sometimes, empowering others.
I am not looking to move in or further my life with my ex. In fact I am looking to un-entangle myself from her. If it were that simple to do than this area wouldn’t exist. I think many would agree, b/f, g/f, husband, wife, son/ dtr, once you become engaged in these relationships with deep emotional connections it can be as hard to walk away from as the DOC for an addict. We want them to get better, maybe sacrafice ourselves in the process for unhealthy reasons. Venting here and learning what others who have travelled the road before us have learned can be a big help in helping us recover and move on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Hope Land
Posts: 666
I myself had so many, issues that had to do with me and me only. At that point, in cousouling I was so head strong, it was all about him. The cousouler really worked hard on me. I left ther thinking what a wsste of my time.
No it was not. I quess, that I am saying is, bye bye. You are not in any contected to him. I fell madness when it is a BF or GF relationship, I know it hurts and you crying, but when you have a life of conecions and then I read of your problems with the addict, reallly I could scream.
When I read the postes I just feel that there has not been enough reading, do these people not read what a mother or father has gone thorugh with a child, a spouse with children, my god I know it hurts no matter where you are in a relationship!
I myself was talking with some friend the other day, me as the wife, I can go on, his parents and children can't. I can find a knew love, as a parent, that is and alway will be their chold, no getting over that. As for my boys, that is their dad.
No matter how we tried to get him clean, with all of us there, it was an endless battle.
Many of us here hurt and hurt bad.
What I am trying to say, if Your addicct is a BF or GF, there is a true hurt, a hurt we all know to much of. But, to keep on day for day living it, nothing is keeping you here. Don't waste your time for them to come back. As a Mother, Dad, Spouse, there is this nagging feeling to keep on going. I as a spouse could break away....a parent never will.
Yes your feeling are real, but I feel that you should read more of what others are going through, that don't have the chance to get on with their lives.
Well big deal if they want their stuff back, have a knew fling....do you even know what it means for a prarent to know their child is still alive.
Truly read what hurt is all about, thank God that you are not in this position, this texting game playing back and forth is for the birds....they are alive and well, some moms and dads here have no idea if there child is even alive.
I have to say Grow Up, see what others our going through, this board is not about relationships, it is about addiction....
Rose
No it was not. I quess, that I am saying is, bye bye. You are not in any contected to him. I fell madness when it is a BF or GF relationship, I know it hurts and you crying, but when you have a life of conecions and then I read of your problems with the addict, reallly I could scream.
When I read the postes I just feel that there has not been enough reading, do these people not read what a mother or father has gone thorugh with a child, a spouse with children, my god I know it hurts no matter where you are in a relationship!
I myself was talking with some friend the other day, me as the wife, I can go on, his parents and children can't. I can find a knew love, as a parent, that is and alway will be their chold, no getting over that. As for my boys, that is their dad.
No matter how we tried to get him clean, with all of us there, it was an endless battle.
Many of us here hurt and hurt bad.
What I am trying to say, if Your addicct is a BF or GF, there is a true hurt, a hurt we all know to much of. But, to keep on day for day living it, nothing is keeping you here. Don't waste your time for them to come back. As a Mother, Dad, Spouse, there is this nagging feeling to keep on going. I as a spouse could break away....a parent never will.
Yes your feeling are real, but I feel that you should read more of what others are going through, that don't have the chance to get on with their lives.
Well big deal if they want their stuff back, have a knew fling....do you even know what it means for a prarent to know their child is still alive.
Truly read what hurt is all about, thank God that you are not in this position, this texting game playing back and forth is for the birds....they are alive and well, some moms and dads here have no idea if there child is even alive.
I have to say Grow Up, see what others our going through, this board is not about relationships, it is about addiction....
Rose
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Rose,
I understand the general point you're trying to make, but I respectfully disagree with the way you are doing it. A person's unhealthy obsession with their addict (especially if not their child) is a symptom of codependency, which this board is here to help us with. To tell members of this board to "grow up" doesn't seem very sympathetic of other's conditions/thoughts/feelings. We each have our own recoveries and can be in very different places. Admitting that we feel "obsessed" about someone we love in a safe and accepting environment is often the first step to realizing our lives have become unmanageable. Loving an addict, whether they be our child, our husband/wife, our best friend, etc. HURTS no matter what.
Thanks for hearing me.
I understand the general point you're trying to make, but I respectfully disagree with the way you are doing it. A person's unhealthy obsession with their addict (especially if not their child) is a symptom of codependency, which this board is here to help us with. To tell members of this board to "grow up" doesn't seem very sympathetic of other's conditions/thoughts/feelings. We each have our own recoveries and can be in very different places. Admitting that we feel "obsessed" about someone we love in a safe and accepting environment is often the first step to realizing our lives have become unmanageable. Loving an addict, whether they be our child, our husband/wife, our best friend, etc. HURTS no matter what.
Thanks for hearing me.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
How does one know exactly what threads/posts are being read by who?
Justifying... levels of co-dependence? Scratching my head a bit.
I try to read all unread threads - when it comes to the parent/child addict ones, as much as I want to reply- I feel inept as I don't have personal experience. My thoughts are with every parent out there.... my thoughts are with my *x*'s parents. My heart breaks for them and I would tell them just that when I would vent to them or when we'd share our concerns. They are amazing people. My parents have had to detach from my sister after learning about it 20 years ago and still being in denial until they HAD to detach for their own personal well - being. I had to as a sister. It's heart breaking NO DOUBT - and it took me years to get to that place of 'letting go'.
However- no matter what relation our addict - we are all going through our own recovery. Because there are no children involved *blood relation* essentially - it makes it no less. I have been married to an addict, and I can tell you from experience that this last relationship was MUCH more difficult to leave on an emotional level than the marriage to my exah. Now, on a practical level..... it was more of a headache to divorce rather than being able to just go our separate ways. NOW, that I am aware of my codependency, and the reason why I joined this board in 12/07 - is because it was *myself* that I was worried about! Now, that I am away from my *x* - I am still here because it's *MY* disease that I want to work through. The new comers are a reminder of where I was and the old timers give me hope for what's to come - not so much for the addicts in my life....... but for myself! It's a bonus if my addicts get something out of it! *wink!
Just like the addict is to quit for themselves - not someone else..... codies are to be in recovery for themselves - not anyone else!
IPT.... I hope you recognize this for what it is (the flare up/flaming) - as being just that - not being really about you. I applaud you to have the courage to come on here and be authentic and share your story. Many of us can relate to how painful it is to be in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. How foreign it feels to even just be told to do the opposite of what we only know to do (let alone put it into practice). We feel that we are coming from a place of concern, love and kindness - only to find out that we are sick? Talk about a slap upside the head... what??? huh? At first, those 3 C's kicked my butt, but turned out being a total life saver for me!
This flame reminds me of when my mother starts going off on me..... calling me a "stupid stupid girl" for whatever reason. In response, I just look at her and ask ... "Do you talk to your friends this way? Because if you did - I don't think you'd have any friends!" And then I just brush it off - because I know not to take it personal, and realize that it's her ... it's just her. She always ends up apologizing later or making nice. It just opens my eyes to knowing that who I CHOOSE to be my partner in this life - doesn't talk to me the same way. Even though, it's what I have allowed in my child/parent relationship - to dismiss it and not take it personally. My therapist/healer asked me if I would take it personally if my *x* had talked to me that way - chances are - because I'm so broken down - I WOULD have taken it personally! Heck - there were a lot of things I took personally! I stayed in the boxing ring after countless K.O.s and it's still bloody difficult to accept that I have thrown in the towel! Not a day goes by that he doesn't creep in my mind and heart. From all the tools I have learned - I know that it's natural to go through the stages of grief and that it's HEALTHY to *feel* every emotion and not suppress it. THAT is what we are doing *FEELING* ... and the beauty of it is due to SR..... giving us ALL a venue to share, learn, and grow..... rinse and repeat!
BTW.... this past weekend I bumped into my EXAH..... it's been 12 years since we divorced. I met his girl friend who is 20 years younger than him, hugged his best man from our wedding and met new friends of his. ALSO - I was with a good friend from HS - who I haven't seen in 18 years - and is now a RA and chemical dependency counselor. Anyway - my ex and her recognized each other........ and it wasn't until a few hours later she figured out where from! They did drugs together (after I had left him) !!!! 10-12 years ago - I never would have imagined that scenario going down! I have to say that my heart didn't skip one single beat! YES!!!!!!! Literally - I'm more amazed at just how non-emotional I am about it than anything else!
So - that right there shows growth!
Anywho - I just want to close with saying that the reason why we are here and stay here is not because we are in the problem, but because we are seeking a solution! Everyone who comes here are amazing because they want answers..... and quite often .... the answers they *think* they will be getting are far from what is actually given! SR is like a mirror held up for ourselves..... and we learn to see things as they really are - NOT as they should be!
Peace and Love xoxoxoxox
Justifying... levels of co-dependence? Scratching my head a bit.
I try to read all unread threads - when it comes to the parent/child addict ones, as much as I want to reply- I feel inept as I don't have personal experience. My thoughts are with every parent out there.... my thoughts are with my *x*'s parents. My heart breaks for them and I would tell them just that when I would vent to them or when we'd share our concerns. They are amazing people. My parents have had to detach from my sister after learning about it 20 years ago and still being in denial until they HAD to detach for their own personal well - being. I had to as a sister. It's heart breaking NO DOUBT - and it took me years to get to that place of 'letting go'.
However- no matter what relation our addict - we are all going through our own recovery. Because there are no children involved *blood relation* essentially - it makes it no less. I have been married to an addict, and I can tell you from experience that this last relationship was MUCH more difficult to leave on an emotional level than the marriage to my exah. Now, on a practical level..... it was more of a headache to divorce rather than being able to just go our separate ways. NOW, that I am aware of my codependency, and the reason why I joined this board in 12/07 - is because it was *myself* that I was worried about! Now, that I am away from my *x* - I am still here because it's *MY* disease that I want to work through. The new comers are a reminder of where I was and the old timers give me hope for what's to come - not so much for the addicts in my life....... but for myself! It's a bonus if my addicts get something out of it! *wink!
Just like the addict is to quit for themselves - not someone else..... codies are to be in recovery for themselves - not anyone else!IPT.... I hope you recognize this for what it is (the flare up/flaming) - as being just that - not being really about you. I applaud you to have the courage to come on here and be authentic and share your story. Many of us can relate to how painful it is to be in an unhealthy co-dependent relationship. How foreign it feels to even just be told to do the opposite of what we only know to do (let alone put it into practice). We feel that we are coming from a place of concern, love and kindness - only to find out that we are sick? Talk about a slap upside the head... what??? huh? At first, those 3 C's kicked my butt, but turned out being a total life saver for me!
This flame reminds me of when my mother starts going off on me..... calling me a "stupid stupid girl" for whatever reason. In response, I just look at her and ask ... "Do you talk to your friends this way? Because if you did - I don't think you'd have any friends!" And then I just brush it off - because I know not to take it personal, and realize that it's her ... it's just her. She always ends up apologizing later or making nice. It just opens my eyes to knowing that who I CHOOSE to be my partner in this life - doesn't talk to me the same way. Even though, it's what I have allowed in my child/parent relationship - to dismiss it and not take it personally. My therapist/healer asked me if I would take it personally if my *x* had talked to me that way - chances are - because I'm so broken down - I WOULD have taken it personally! Heck - there were a lot of things I took personally! I stayed in the boxing ring after countless K.O.s and it's still bloody difficult to accept that I have thrown in the towel! Not a day goes by that he doesn't creep in my mind and heart. From all the tools I have learned - I know that it's natural to go through the stages of grief and that it's HEALTHY to *feel* every emotion and not suppress it. THAT is what we are doing *FEELING* ... and the beauty of it is due to SR..... giving us ALL a venue to share, learn, and grow..... rinse and repeat!
BTW.... this past weekend I bumped into my EXAH..... it's been 12 years since we divorced. I met his girl friend who is 20 years younger than him, hugged his best man from our wedding and met new friends of his. ALSO - I was with a good friend from HS - who I haven't seen in 18 years - and is now a RA and chemical dependency counselor. Anyway - my ex and her recognized each other........ and it wasn't until a few hours later she figured out where from! They did drugs together (after I had left him) !!!! 10-12 years ago - I never would have imagined that scenario going down! I have to say that my heart didn't skip one single beat! YES!!!!!!! Literally - I'm more amazed at just how non-emotional I am about it than anything else!
So - that right there shows growth!
Anywho - I just want to close with saying that the reason why we are here and stay here is not because we are in the problem, but because we are seeking a solution! Everyone who comes here are amazing because they want answers..... and quite often .... the answers they *think* they will be getting are far from what is actually given! SR is like a mirror held up for ourselves..... and we learn to see things as they really are - NOT as they should be!
Peace and Love xoxoxoxox
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
For me, I was deep in co-dependency and denial when I first got here... I was married
with children, but I'm sure just being GF/BF for a significant time where you have fallen in love would put you in the same state of mind. I thought if I just did this differently or if this happens my loved one will give up their addiction. So we keep doing the dance of trying to save them, when in fact we sometimes are just enabling them so they continue to use.
It didn't happen overnight for me, but over time reading posts here, I learned what enabling was, how to stop... I learned how to set healthy boundaries, etc. I did stay
away from posts that told me to RUN... you know, cause MY addict was different...
we were soulmates... he TOLD me he was going to change... I believed him.
I learned from this board not to rely on their WORDS, it's ACTIONS that count.
Over time, I continued to read posts and I came out of my denial, and realized
that those people who I didn't agree with in the beginning, who were further along
in their recovery, were probably right. But just reading one post like this wouldn't
have changed my mind when I first got here.... I was just as sick as my addict then.
with children, but I'm sure just being GF/BF for a significant time where you have fallen in love would put you in the same state of mind. I thought if I just did this differently or if this happens my loved one will give up their addiction. So we keep doing the dance of trying to save them, when in fact we sometimes are just enabling them so they continue to use.
It didn't happen overnight for me, but over time reading posts here, I learned what enabling was, how to stop... I learned how to set healthy boundaries, etc. I did stay
away from posts that told me to RUN... you know, cause MY addict was different...
we were soulmates... he TOLD me he was going to change... I believed him.
I learned from this board not to rely on their WORDS, it's ACTIONS that count.
Over time, I continued to read posts and I came out of my denial, and realized
that those people who I didn't agree with in the beginning, who were further along
in their recovery, were probably right. But just reading one post like this wouldn't
have changed my mind when I first got here.... I was just as sick as my addict then.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i think an addiction is addiction whether its feeling stuck in addiction or stuck in a relationship. i came here looking for answers concerning my addict. you guys were here to help me see my codependancy. it took a lot of reading, courage to post and a lot of patience on you guys part for me to even began to get on board. in my opinion, its part of the process.i was a gf of an addict before i married the addict and i lost my bro. to addiction,i do understand that pain. i think its hard regardless of the relationship.
they told me to run yrs ago, i chose to marry anyway. i didn't want no one to pity me or anything, i just didn't get it. now if i ever say run in early relationship, its only because i honestly hate to see others suffer as much as i have. i think the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. easy said than done i know. just rattling, hope this make some kind of sense.
they told me to run yrs ago, i chose to marry anyway. i didn't want no one to pity me or anything, i just didn't get it. now if i ever say run in early relationship, its only because i honestly hate to see others suffer as much as i have. i think the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. easy said than done i know. just rattling, hope this make some kind of sense.
aka Miss Scarlett O'Hara
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 364
Wow, I have to say that I do think that your post was quite harsh. I have been posting about my abf. Now he and I have been together for going on 10 years. We own a business together (which is more complicated to deal with than a divorce) and honestly saying the "I-dos" is really just a technicality. You don't know each individual situation. For many people, they had no clue that the other person was an addict when they met and they started a life with them. When you love someone, you don't tend to just drop them at the drop of a hat and move on.
You make it seem very simple to just ditch the ones in your life that you love. Learning about addiction takes time. For those of us not familiar with the disease, and then faced with it by surprise, it takes time to stand on stable ground again. And it's the people on here who have helped me to do that. I'm sorry, but I was very offended by this post. I understand what you're trying to say, but the saying "don't judge someone until you've walked in their shoes" is very pertinent here.
You make it seem very simple to just ditch the ones in your life that you love. Learning about addiction takes time. For those of us not familiar with the disease, and then faced with it by surprise, it takes time to stand on stable ground again. And it's the people on here who have helped me to do that. I'm sorry, but I was very offended by this post. I understand what you're trying to say, but the saying "don't judge someone until you've walked in their shoes" is very pertinent here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: rochester NH
Posts: 109
In my case id have to say I stay because of co dependancy and i do care for him.......I do know I have to start caring for me more than i care for him but its hard,,,,,,,,,One day I will have the strength to leave!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by rose
I have to say Grow Up, see what others our going through, this board is not about relationships, it is about addiction....
Rose
Rose
If it were only as easy as 'growing up', this forum wouldn't exist.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Originally Posted by rose
I have to say Grow Up, see what others our going through, this board is not about relationships, it is about addiction....
Rose
Rose
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I suppose the intent of the post was to tell those friends of addicts or those just newly involved with an addict to get out and get away before things get messy.
Unfortunately, when I read it all I got out of it was that my brand of suffering (with an alcoholic boyfriend) is just inferior. Funny, I've never felt inferior on the Friends and Family forums until today.
After 10+ years I finally did leave my ABF with the help of the experience, support, and hope from the siblings, cousins, parents, best friends, significant others, grandparents, and spouses of addicts who post here.
It would seem I have finally grown up.
No hugs from me today. I'm in too much of snit now.
Alice
Unfortunately, when I read it all I got out of it was that my brand of suffering (with an alcoholic boyfriend) is just inferior. Funny, I've never felt inferior on the Friends and Family forums until today.
After 10+ years I finally did leave my ABF with the help of the experience, support, and hope from the siblings, cousins, parents, best friends, significant others, grandparents, and spouses of addicts who post here.
It would seem I have finally grown up.
No hugs from me today. I'm in too much of snit now.
Alice
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
One thing I've learned is to not take things personal on these boards, when people post stuff, it's about them and what they are going through, a projection of their own reality. If someone posts something with a harsh tone to it, it's usually because something has triggered them, it's not about me.
I hope we can go back to remembering we are all in this together. No matter what stage or our recovery, no matter what side of the street we are on or in. NONE of us here would be at the same stage of our recovery without each other.
Alice I will leave you with a hug,
and anyone else who wants one.
(((((((Have a Great day everyone!)))))
I hope we can go back to remembering we are all in this together. No matter what stage or our recovery, no matter what side of the street we are on or in. NONE of us here would be at the same stage of our recovery without each other.
Alice I will leave you with a hug,
and anyone else who wants one.(((((((Have a Great day everyone!)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
This is just my opinion but what I took from Rose's post was that some of us have a harder time separating from our addict. I took it more as a warning to people dating to get out while you can. When our addict is our child (like mine) or a husband who you have a family with getting out or walking away becomes more complicated. I am sure the people dating go through the same feelings as we do but you are in a position to think do I really want to keep putting myself through this? Is this how I want to spend my life? Because it is no life. The addicts actions effect the whole family. I wish rehab worked but sometimes it takes many times (my son is on his 6th). I have learned how to deal with it better and am starting to learn how to live my life without his problems consuming me. We will always be tied to our children or our children's parent in some way. If you are dating you can decide to walk away if it is too painful and you can go on with your life totally separate from a girlfriend or boyfriend. I will always be my son's mother no matter what happens. But like I said, we all hurt the same when we love someone who is addicted. Just take the time to think do I really want to keep going through this and living with the lies?
Alice don't take it personally I am sure your hurt is just as bad as the rest of us. I took it as speaking to the people who are possibly getting into newer relationships and for them that advise sounds good to me.
Alice don't take it personally I am sure your hurt is just as bad as the rest of us. I took it as speaking to the people who are possibly getting into newer relationships and for them that advise sounds good to me.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
he, he, he...
Rose, i too shake my head when a single gal/guy has only been dating for WEEKS OR 1 OR 2 MONTHS and is already so sucked in that they are asking for advice whether to stay. The purpose of dating is to get to know a person in light of them being a spouse and parent to one's future children - and also to recognize trouble and learn the art of ending things quickly and amicably. Maybe what you are picking up on in some posts is that the poster is looking for a reason to stay in the relationship - looking for us "seasoned veterans" to tell them they have nothing to fear. The really WANT to stay. I don't think i've ever seen anyone start that kind of post and then come back on and say, "Gee, thanks everybody. I'm taking all your advice and RUNNING." Of course, i could be wrong on that one.
In this society, we keep a blind eye to everything while dating, then get married and put our spouse under a microscope. Just the opposite of what it should be.
Rose, i too shake my head when a single gal/guy has only been dating for WEEKS OR 1 OR 2 MONTHS and is already so sucked in that they are asking for advice whether to stay. The purpose of dating is to get to know a person in light of them being a spouse and parent to one's future children - and also to recognize trouble and learn the art of ending things quickly and amicably. Maybe what you are picking up on in some posts is that the poster is looking for a reason to stay in the relationship - looking for us "seasoned veterans" to tell them they have nothing to fear. The really WANT to stay. I don't think i've ever seen anyone start that kind of post and then come back on and say, "Gee, thanks everybody. I'm taking all your advice and RUNNING." Of course, i could be wrong on that one.
In this society, we keep a blind eye to everything while dating, then get married and put our spouse under a microscope. Just the opposite of what it should be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Colorado
Posts: 14
After 911, a huge amount of attention and money was bestowed upon the spouses and children of the victims. No attention, and no money went to, anyone who lost a boyfriend or girlfriend. A non-marriage contract just naturally falls to second place. It's a convention, not a reality. So here is the way I see it .... there is a bowl named "everything to lose." And one of these bowls belongs to anyone who is connected to an addict, be they related by blood, married, or in an exclusive union. The bowl may have precious little inside of it, or it may be chockfull. The point is that the bowl represents *everything* that person has to lose. The nature or character of the contents is not nearly so important as the fact that it represents all of what they have. If all I own is a chair ... and I lose it, is my loss any less than if I own a fortune, 10 houses, a wife and 15 children, and I lose it all? Me? I don't think so. Either way, I am left with nothing. It's a judgement call .... not everyone will see this issue the same way. As someone who is not closely connected to an addict, but trying to support a loved one who is .... I can state with absolute certainty that pain is pain is pain. It really serves no purpose to quantify, qualify or categorize it.
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
There is an assumption being made by the OP that anyone who remains in a relationship with a loved-one suffering from addiction is doing so out of fear. For me, this is certainly not the case. I have no fear of living alone if it eventually comes to that, I am staying with my husband because I love him. Addiction is not a choice he made, it is a terrible fate which has befallen him. If he had developed schizophrenia, or any other mental illness, I would not say "well, this could affect me negatively, so I better 'let go or be dragged'." We have worked together, as a team, to overcome many difficulties in our past, and I don't see why our current situation should be any different.
I think it's important to remember that everyone's situation is different, and no one has any right to tell others what to do. I try to speak only of my own situation, since that is the only one I know, and let people make their own decisions for themselves.
My $.02,
Daisy
I think it's important to remember that everyone's situation is different, and no one has any right to tell others what to do. I try to speak only of my own situation, since that is the only one I know, and let people make their own decisions for themselves.
My $.02,
Daisy
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Very poetic and full of emotional import. The thing that I got out of it is that addicts need to change themselves and come to terms with (realize) they are in fact addicts. Break down the proverbial walls of denial. I think that people can find strength by relating to others stories that are similar to their own (whether addict or loved one). The key seems to be taking positive action to do thing differently.
Free 88, "I understand the general point you're trying to make, but I respectfully disagree with the way you are doing it. A person's unhealthy obsession with their addict (especially if not their child) is a symptom of codependency"
I agree; seems to happen in AA as well... A sort of transference of the addiction to something else. The difference with AA is that if worked at (specifically the 12 steps) positive change results.
Thanks for the insights from everyone, I learn so much from being here and it helps me to grow.
A little poetry...
A rose is a rose is a rose; unless your Rose.
Free 88, "I understand the general point you're trying to make, but I respectfully disagree with the way you are doing it. A person's unhealthy obsession with their addict (especially if not their child) is a symptom of codependency"
I agree; seems to happen in AA as well... A sort of transference of the addiction to something else. The difference with AA is that if worked at (specifically the 12 steps) positive change results.
Thanks for the insights from everyone, I learn so much from being here and it helps me to grow.
A little poetry...
A rose is a rose is a rose; unless your Rose.
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