imallright

So, just got back from taking my first born to his freshman year of college. I am so proud of him... but boy am I a mess tonight. I kept it together all weekend and then on the way home.... my daughter felt the need to let me know again how "I screwed up everyone's life" and how I "have ruined my relationships with my kids" because I ended our family. She said, "You have changed and you are just not the person who was my mother before all this happened." I know I'm not, but I thought I was getting better and healing. Maybe I am and she just hasn't caught up yet and so she doesn't like what she sees.

I know that I was right to decide that I couldn't live with their Dad any more because of what his drug use had done to his brain, our relationship, our family and my life... but I can't help but feel like I have lost so much... I guess I have.

How and when do I ever get to the point where I know it wasn't my fault. Will I ever get the point where life feels good, or did I ruin it by staying with him for all those years. It sure feels like it is too late. I know, intellectually, that it's never too late... but man I am having a hard time climbing out of the hole tonight.

Words of wisdom please.

URMYEVERYTHING

I suggest you read "Reclaiming Your Family After Addiction" by Craig Nakken. If it doesn't help with the relationship with your ex, it will help with understanding how addiction affected the children. It's a good and easy read with a lot of information to help you. Also, maybe you should research some books for your daughter to read and/or get her into counseling to help her cope with the separation. You cannot blame yourself for his addiction and/or the choice you made. It's a choice that is made and done with.

imallright

Thanks. She's 15. I think she is hurting and she's afraid for her Dad too... who was crying on her shoulder because her brother was going off to school and of course, instead of reassuring her that bro would be just fine... he filled her head full of **it about how nervous Dad is that bro won't connect and be ok.

Guess the tough skin that I had started to grow just got a tear... thanks for listening and lending support.

PS... as for counseling for her.. tried that. Miserable failure... Dad doesn't support it and heaven forbid she might actually have to deal with reality rather than pretend nothing is happening or that I am nuts.

BBD

Hi imalright, It's hard enough taking one of your kids to school and getting used to one empty bedroom let alone having another child tell you were its at~~~~Take a deep breath and know you've done the beswt you could. Your daughter, your son and you ~~all looked at Dads addiction through different eyes. Its so hard to have all the grown-up conversations with kids but maybe she will start getting it soon. Is dad still involved with drugs?? Does she see this?? Your a strong woman and in time your daughter will realize this and wanna be just like mom.......------the addict. (minus))) Hugs and smiles, Bonnie

itisatruth

Hi imallright, first, big ol' mom hugs for you.....like others have said, sending a child off to college is an emotional thing even without all the other stuff you have had to deal with. Although it is hard to let them go out on their own, it is also such an exciting time in their life, and I hope you will soon be able to just feel the being proud part and not just the being sad part. What a wonderful thing for your son, and you as his mom, to see him taking positive steps for his future. You are part of that....you helped him get there, so be proud of him, but also yourself too!!

As I read your post, I was thinking about how long you have been dealing with, not just your exAH's denial, but your daughter's too. What I thought of may be hard to explain, so please bear with me...I say this with total kindness/love:

For loved ones of addicts, the ways we deal with stuff and the time it takes us to do it is not the same for all of us; we each go through the the process at our own pace, and find our own "bottom".

You found yours and made your decision based on what you knew was right for you and your children. Anyone who has read your posts knows you did what you did for the right reasons. Don't let your daughter's words make you second guess that. It is NOT your fault.

But, your daughter is not there yet, she is not yet ready to face and deal with her father's addiction. As much as you love her and want it for her, you can't make her ready to deal with it or face it. I believe she will get there and I truly hope it is soon that she breaks from his manipulation.

But for you, imallright, it seems that acceptance may help, acceptance that she doesn't understand and won't until she is ready. It's kind of like letting go.....let her find her own understanding of his addiction, because for now, she is using you as the scapegoat and an excuse to be angry.

Maybe next time she says something like that to you, say...."I'm sorry you feel that way but I know I did what I did because I love you and I love myself. You may not understand but as your mother I expect you to respect my actions." And end it there. No more mom bashing. No more arguing about it. No more justifying. Of course, you will always be there for her when she's ready to talk and needs you.

Yes, part of what she is going through is the teenage thing...and I've heard terrible stories of how difficult teenage girls can be with their moms, so keep that in mind when she is talking to you....what she is saying is more about her than it is about you. But what you did, you did for her, your son, as well as, for you. Do not let her make you feel bad about it.

Again....understand when I say...let go....I mean it in a caring way....for you and for her. And maybe those things you mentioned about feeling good will come faster if it doesn't hinge on the feelings of a teenage girl, no matter how much you love her. You can love her and also find happiness in your own life, without waiting for her approval.

Hope this makes sense. Thinking of you...

imallright

Thank you. As much as I am in pain, I do get that I did what I had to do for me and ultimately for the kids. It didn't all play the way I would have liked... life often doesn't... but I know that I couldn't have continued to live with their Dad. He's one sick guy.

He's still using and continuing to rationalize what he is doing..."it's gonna be legal soon anyway." "I just do it to relax"... quack, quack, quack. The kids know it and although neither one of them condones it, they just accept it at this point and as was said above, "neither one of them is ready to look at the issues it has caused and the way it is impacting their lives". My daughter is angry. She is angry with me and she is angry with her Dad.... she actually admitted that yesterday. BUT.... she feels an obligation to take care of him, IMO. It is totally sick, but all I can do is just be there for her, let her know I love her and let her find out, just like I did... but hopefully it won't take so long or be so distructive.

She seems to say things that let me see that she knows that perhaps the decisions that I made were wrong... for example: "wow, you were the one who was dumb enough to marry an alcoholic. What did you think you were getting?" The way it's expressed puts it back on me still, but at least it lets me see that she understands there are other choices. It also gave me a chance to try to let a bit more light in with my truth. Although, it's hard not to sound like I am bashing when I try to explain. There is also a fine balance between explaining my truth to help her see some light and sharing too much. I am not sharing to put him down. I am hoping that she can see that we both love her and that she does need to put herself in healthier situations.

Thanks again for being there... both of you. You are right. I had to get to my bottom. There were many along the way who wondered, "what the heck is wrong with this woman???" But, I made my decisions and changes when I was ready to look at the picture. I pray that she has the courage to look sooner and to take care of herself before she becomes too lost.

leelee5675

My situation is different in that I mainly left my first husband (the biological father of my two children) over cheating issues, but I also knew there was something in his personality that I could no longer live with. He was later diagnosed as being bipolar, so that explained a lot of that. He stayed on the manic end most of the time and was very hyper, driven, and never content.

Anyway, my kids were 12 and 13 at the time I left. My son had lots of anger towards me about leaving his dad. He never openly experessed it as your daughter has, but it was obvious to me that it was there. I told him once that I had my reasons and that I didn't think at his age he could understand my reasons. I also told him I thought maybe someday when he was an adult and had to deal with his dad on an adult-to-adult basis maybe he would better understand and forgive me for putting him through a divorce. His anger subsided some.

Here's the good part. My son, who is now 30 and married, has never told me he understands...BUT he has told his wife (and she said she has heard him tell many of his friends), "I'm so glad that my mother raised me. If I had lived with my father my life would have been totally different. I would have been successful at a much younger age and wouldn't have made a lot of the mistakes I made. But I would be a psychological mess and probably wouldn't be able to live with myself."

So in my case the confirmation for knowing I had done the right thing was a LONG time coming, but if finally came. It came in an indirect way, but it came.

From what you have said, you know you did the right thing, for you and for your kids. Hold on to that and hold your head high, because you were the strong one and did the right thing. She'll come around to the truth sooner or later.

My thoughts and concerns are with you.

Leelee

teke

she seems to not be where you are right now. maybe in time she will realize that you did the best thing for all of you. its good that you are there for her. maybe you will have to allow her to reach her own bottom with his addiction.

maybe its time you except that she feels this way but know that eventually she will see for herself how her dads choices have forced your hand, know that its not your fault and that she's hurting too. they tell me that hurting people hurt others.

glad to hear about your son but sorry its causeing you pain. you will get through this and i pray that your daughter does too.