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overwhelming thoughts

Old 06-17-2009, 08:19 AM
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Living in a Pinkful Place
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overwhelming thoughts

I don't think it matters how long I have been in recovery - my "thoughts" - can just get OUT OF CONTROL - if not reined in by some sort of recovery tool, my HP or a good swift "shut the h#ll up". - Ritaville is a very scary place - lol

This past Sat nite/Sun morn - one of my daughters (not the A daughter) was sexually assaulted and robbed. Dectective believes she was attacked by someone who has done this before - he was very skilled, and knew exactly what to do (make her leave parking lot, where to look for her purse, had someone pick him up, etc.) She had actually done all the safety tips, but he still found a brief moment of weakness and pounced on it. She is physically ok - a little bruised and sore but mainly ok. It was scary and difficult watching her go thru the interviews and exam on her 27th birthday (sunday was her bday). But I am so proud of her and how she handled herself. AND very grateful that she is alive.

She is taking care of some of the things she needs to and prayerfully she will seek counseling. But just as I am powerless over my A daughter - I am truly also powerless over this daughter too. I can only encourage her to seek counseling - not force her.

I also have a court date on Monday - in the continuing saga of the insanity of this stuff with my ex.

Today, my thoughts went OUT OF CONTROL. My mind says - don't you realize that everything in the world is total chaos. Evil, negativity and the "wrong" people - always WIN. Didn't this weekend show you that EVIL is everywhere!!! There is no way doing the right thing is ever going to help you! Everytime you have gone to court - it has always been bad news, disappointing results and he has managed to persuade the courts that he is going to do the "right" thing. Why would you think Monday is ever going to be any different???

My joy was stolen from me - I instantly felt despair, discouragement and most of all the weight of those chains of bondage wrapped all around me - like I had never been freed of this situation and that I will never be free.

At this time is when I am grateful for RECOVERY. It is then when I remember - I have help. I have prayer, I have tools, I have literature. So I read in Courage to Change - today's reading. (Im going to post it separately).

The reading reminds me - I have these tools to face whatever comes on Monday - I have overcome many things in my 5 (almost 6 yrs) of recovery and my God has been faithful to help me thru them.

No matter what I can make it thru whatever happens on Monday.

"what if" doesn't have to make my life unmanagable if I don't want it to.

Wishing you a day filled with Joy, Peace and FREEDOM!
HUGS,
Rita
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Old 06-17-2009, 09:15 AM
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omg I have those thoughts too... about EVIL. paralyzing. i ask my hp, why does EVIL always win? why does such a good person as my partner suffer from such a terrible disease? why did she have to be molested as a child? how come good people suffer and die? i think about all the tradgedies and injustices and i wonder what is the point of submitting to a hp- who is this hp- what is the point of all this? will one moment of love make up for all of it? i don't get it. i was raised very religiously and although i do not identify now with any religion, god, or my hp, is the most important concept or "thing" to me.... i dont' know how to accept this world and what is happening. i'm sorry this isn't an encouraging post... but i need help with this. anyone who can relate and who has found some answer ... or way to reconcile... please write.
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Old 06-17-2009, 09:45 AM
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Here are two hopeful paragraphs from an essay about uncertainty inspiring hope by Howard Zinn in a inspiring collection of essays by social activist Paul Rogat Loeb titled, The Impossible Will Take a Little While: a citizen’s guide to hope in a time of fear.

Is an optimist necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our
time? I am totally confident not that the world will get better, but that only
confidence can prevent people from giving up the game before all the cards
have been played. The metaphor is deliberate; life is a gamble. Not to play is to
foreclose any chance of winning. To play, to act, is to create at least a
possibility of changing the world.



To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact
that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion,
sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex
history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our
capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places—and there
are so many—where people have behaved magnificently, this gives us the
energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spiraling top of a world
in a different direction. And if we do act, in however small a way, we don't
have to wait for some grand utopias future. The future is an infinite succession
of presents, and to live now as we think human beings should live, in defiance
of all that is bad around us, is itself a marvelous victory.


~Daisy
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Old 06-17-2009, 09:57 AM
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Rita,
I am so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter...on her birthday of all days. I can't imagine how scary the past couple of days have been for her and you. I really admire your strength in the face of adversity and your 'courage to change'. Your recovery is showing!
I will be thinking of you and your family. Thank you.
Love,
Holly
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Old 06-17-2009, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Faith444 View Post
omg I have those thoughts too... about EVIL. paralyzing. i ask my hp, why does EVIL always win? why does such a good person as my partner suffer from such a terrible disease? why did she have to be molested as a child? how come good people suffer and die? i think about all the tradgedies and injustices and i wonder what is the point of submitting to a hp- who is this hp- what is the point of all this? will one moment of love make up for all of it? i don't get it. i was raised very religiously and although i do not identify now with any religion, god, or my hp, is the most important concept or "thing" to me.... i dont' know how to accept this world and what is happening. i'm sorry this isn't an encouraging post... but i need help with this. anyone who can relate and who has found some answer ... or way to reconcile... please write.
I'm not sure if I should give my thoughts on this one as it may belong on the Secular Connection section of this forum. I was raised with religion but have been an atheist for about 30 years.

I don't think it matters whether there is a God or HP or not. That one believes there is, is the comforting part, in my humble opinion. While I don't believe in a HP I can understand it would be a comfort for those who believe. It was for me when I believed.

BUT, if it doesn't comfort you (like it doesn't me) then you need to decide what you feel about that. I don't really feel we have a purpose as humans per se. Just like an animal, we live, we die and we deal with what happens in between. I feel like since we're here then I choose to believe that we are here for each other. I don't look for help from a HP. People as a group or individually are my comfort. Look how much comfort there is here on this forum, for example. These PEOPLE are helping me not a HP (in my opinion).

The bad things? They are just things. It seems some people get a lot more of the bad things than others. I'm not sure why. I suppose some are choices we make and some are just pure dumb luck. I just try to deal with things the best I can as they come up. What else can I do? I guess I almost don't see the need to explain the unexplainable. I mean I'm as curious as the next person but I doubt there is really a grand scheme to things. Just some thoughts...... Not sure if it makes sense to you or not.

I think you just have to accept what is happening no matter WHY it's happening. I guess it is kind of ironic for me to say this but the Serenity prayer pretty much sums it all up. Change what you can, accept that you can't change some things and have the wisdom to know the difference or something like that..... (I'm not supposed to remember it word for word, I'm an atheist :rotfxko)

KariSue
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Old 06-17-2009, 02:41 PM
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God doesn't give us what we can handle;
God helps us handle what we are given.
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