Here is why....
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okay I have avoided posting because I didnt want to offend anyone.
However I now feel that I must
which is a good Codie indicator that I SHOULDNT but here I am none the less.
I think Callie insinuated that perhaps the knockem' sockem' attitude you have when dealing with an addict -- can be less than empathetic, to someone who is in pain....
I forget who posted this comment so Honestly its NOT personal but I feel like many of you seem to think others here are being hard nosed or mean or have no empathy to those who are sufferring or having emotional pain...............it seems to be forgotten that MANY of those that are hard nosed or knockem' sockem' as it was said ...........many of those people ARE recovering ADDICTS its not like they arent telling you the truth..........recovery can and does HAPPEN these people are living proof.
Its also been said somewhere on this thread that it seems the only advise is run and leave them..............it MIGHT be benefical to those who share that OPINION to go back and look at what was being said that ilicits that response..............because YES if the addict in your life is using and their behaviors having gotten to the point Where you
( the poster) are coming here looking asking and begging for help to understand them or fix them or asking for ways to control their use or make them stop or your sharing HOW miserable YOU are in a relationship with an active addict the only support is ~~~SORRY your going thru this BUT only YOU can change the LIFE your living. And when the active addict refuses help refuses to make changes in THEIR life it then becomes UP to YOU if you want to continue to live that LIFE OR NOT!! You cannot and will not make anyone treat you better or be a better person all you can do is work on and change YOURSELF.
So those who choose to stay( AS I HAVE BY THE WAY) are free to do so. However how when we choose this life, we choose to stay with someone who isnt all they can be or they arent helping us or they use and steal or disappear........how when we ALLOW that to continue IN OUR lives~~~ how can we fault the people here who tell us GO, move on, save YOURSELF!!!
My goodness, look at yourself and look AT your life~~~~IF your daughter, your mother, your best friend- was living with what you are living with- what would you tell them? Would you say oh its okay honey you hang in there! you keep holding on! It doesnt matter WHAT he does your his wife, girlfriend or whatever you cant leave you shouldnt leave.
IF any one of you can look at your life and the things you have posted here and honestly say that you would say those things to your daughter mother or best friend that you would be Supportive by telling them hang in there~~~ then I stand corrected but if you cant, like I KNOW I cant!! (I would hire a hitman if my daughter was messed up with someone who did 1/2 the things my AH did as a matter of fact SO WOULD HE!) then at least try not to take everything so personally, know that whats being said to you Even if it hurts your feelings or hits a nerve ~~~is said out of love caring experience hope and STRENGTH!!
we each have our own path to walk this is true but dont fault those who try to lead you down the less rocky road just because you "have" to take a more bumby one!!
JUST MY 2 Cents take what you want and of course leave the rest.
However I now feel that I must
which is a good Codie indicator that I SHOULDNT but here I am none the less.I think Callie insinuated that perhaps the knockem' sockem' attitude you have when dealing with an addict -- can be less than empathetic, to someone who is in pain....
I forget who posted this comment so Honestly its NOT personal but I feel like many of you seem to think others here are being hard nosed or mean or have no empathy to those who are sufferring or having emotional pain...............it seems to be forgotten that MANY of those that are hard nosed or knockem' sockem' as it was said ...........many of those people ARE recovering ADDICTS its not like they arent telling you the truth..........recovery can and does HAPPEN these people are living proof.
Its also been said somewhere on this thread that it seems the only advise is run and leave them..............it MIGHT be benefical to those who share that OPINION to go back and look at what was being said that ilicits that response..............because YES if the addict in your life is using and their behaviors having gotten to the point Where you
( the poster) are coming here looking asking and begging for help to understand them or fix them or asking for ways to control their use or make them stop or your sharing HOW miserable YOU are in a relationship with an active addict the only support is ~~~SORRY your going thru this BUT only YOU can change the LIFE your living. And when the active addict refuses help refuses to make changes in THEIR life it then becomes UP to YOU if you want to continue to live that LIFE OR NOT!! You cannot and will not make anyone treat you better or be a better person all you can do is work on and change YOURSELF.
So those who choose to stay( AS I HAVE BY THE WAY) are free to do so. However how when we choose this life, we choose to stay with someone who isnt all they can be or they arent helping us or they use and steal or disappear........how when we ALLOW that to continue IN OUR lives~~~ how can we fault the people here who tell us GO, move on, save YOURSELF!!!
My goodness, look at yourself and look AT your life~~~~IF your daughter, your mother, your best friend- was living with what you are living with- what would you tell them? Would you say oh its okay honey you hang in there! you keep holding on! It doesnt matter WHAT he does your his wife, girlfriend or whatever you cant leave you shouldnt leave.
IF any one of you can look at your life and the things you have posted here and honestly say that you would say those things to your daughter mother or best friend that you would be Supportive by telling them hang in there~~~ then I stand corrected but if you cant, like I KNOW I cant!! (I would hire a hitman if my daughter was messed up with someone who did 1/2 the things my AH did as a matter of fact SO WOULD HE!) then at least try not to take everything so personally, know that whats being said to you Even if it hurts your feelings or hits a nerve ~~~is said out of love caring experience hope and STRENGTH!!
we each have our own path to walk this is true but dont fault those who try to lead you down the less rocky road just because you "have" to take a more bumby one!!
JUST MY 2 Cents take what you want and of course leave the rest.
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1. Do you feel good about yourself when you're around this person? for the last year I can honestly say most of the time.
2. Are your needs being met? not all of them some needs I have to meet for myself
3. Are you having fun? No not so much fun right now, but we are both growing
4. Is there a lot of sacrifice going on and how often? sometimes but on my road to recovery there is less and less
5. Do you ever get the message that there's something wrong with you from this person? NO! never no matter how messed up hes been the one thing I can say for my addict husband is HE KNOWS hes an addict and he thinks the world of me as a mother spouse and person....he knows he has a disease and I didnt cause it cant cure or control it .........heck he knew that BEFORE I DID!
2. Are your needs being met? not all of them some needs I have to meet for myself
3. Are you having fun? No not so much fun right now, but we are both growing
4. Is there a lot of sacrifice going on and how often? sometimes but on my road to recovery there is less and less
5. Do you ever get the message that there's something wrong with you from this person? NO! never no matter how messed up hes been the one thing I can say for my addict husband is HE KNOWS hes an addict and he thinks the world of me as a mother spouse and person....he knows he has a disease and I didnt cause it cant cure or control it .........heck he knew that BEFORE I DID!
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Originally Posted by anvilhead 
but if you never let go of what you already possess, you will NEVER have room for the abundance the universe will shower upon you.....
Thank you for saying this Anvil. This post reminds me of 'the secret' (dvd or book - it's good!) You can be PO'd @ me if you want, but I honestly wondered what YOU would do if the alien called addiction overtook Hank again.
You know I had a bff who was vehemently against something (I won't say what it is because it's not politically correct and there's enough drama in this thread). She was ALWAYs outspoken and very strong in her stance about the topic. ...Until something happened to her and she did/had to do the very thing she disagreed with so strongly. It is very easy to have a strong stance on something when it is not at your doorstep. I know that you and Hank recovered together. I did not know if you'd ever had to live with him while he was active for any period of time. I was not trying to call you out or be 'passive-aggressive' in any way. You two seem to be on the same road - I honestly wondered what you would do if he chose the road to addiction again. I thought my H and I were on the same road - it's only been in the last 2 years that his actions show differently.
I know that I can give the best advice IRL, but when it comes to actually taking my own it's a he(( of a lot harder to do. Matter of fact my BFF just found out about my situation and AH's drug use (she had NO clue before) and she's astounded that I would tolerate what I have. She keeps saying Callie, if that were me you'd rip my a$$ for putting up with that crap. She's right. 100%.
I think Cessy's post triggered some things in me that I'm currently dealing with that I SHOULDN't be dealing with. I do not have the picture perfect family life that I am portraying to society. I am mad, PO'd and struggling myself. When someone gets in your face with the cold hard facts telling you what you already know you should do...well it's a he(( of alot harder to actually do it.
Anvil - you are invaluable to SR - you've been straight up with me in your thinking. My post was what I was thinking. It's hard to throw away more than 1/2 your life. I 100% agree with almost everything that you say - It was an honest question and not a dig. That's all that I can say.
In the end - great thread with tons of info. I'm just getting in from a long day and am going to try to re-read.
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Callie, I want to reply a bit for Anvil not because she cant for herself but because I KNOW the answer...............I was here and shared with her during those hard times and REMEMBER very clearly what she would do if Hank relapsed.........( do you remember that Anvil? )
SHE packed her Stuff and left the house (before they moved) she later asked him if he was DONE with his bullcrap and luckly he was and they moved on together .............which is what (I believe she would tell ANY of us to do. If the addict is active but wants to get better wants to try and does it keeps trying........I"VE never once heard her tell those spouses to leave. I've been here on SR for along time and shes given me some strong opinions but I dont recall her telling me to leave .........expecially NOT forever.
One point I think alot of people miss when they are told to leave run or look out for themself.,,..............one thing that is often MISSED in this topic is NOONE is saying FOREVER, no one is saying leave and dont look back, noone is saying if the addict in your life finally makes the decision to get clean and stay clean you cant support them or be with them.....................
What (I believe) is being said is YOU CANT MAKE them want recovery but you dont HAVE to stick around and live life miserable and with an active addict.
WE ALL understand how difficult it is to leave.............but we also KNow the misery of staying with an active addict too
SHE packed her Stuff and left the house (before they moved) she later asked him if he was DONE with his bullcrap and luckly he was and they moved on together .............which is what (I believe she would tell ANY of us to do. If the addict is active but wants to get better wants to try and does it keeps trying........I"VE never once heard her tell those spouses to leave. I've been here on SR for along time and shes given me some strong opinions but I dont recall her telling me to leave .........expecially NOT forever.
One point I think alot of people miss when they are told to leave run or look out for themself.,,..............one thing that is often MISSED in this topic is NOONE is saying FOREVER, no one is saying leave and dont look back, noone is saying if the addict in your life finally makes the decision to get clean and stay clean you cant support them or be with them.....................
What (I believe) is being said is YOU CANT MAKE them want recovery but you dont HAVE to stick around and live life miserable and with an active addict.
WE ALL understand how difficult it is to leave.............but we also KNow the misery of staying with an active addict too
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Lies again -
Thank you. Geeze - I didn't mean this to turn into a Callie thread. Sorry Cess. Anvil - I luv ya and I 100% didn't want to step on your toes. Maybe I'll muster up the courage to post a thread of my own with what's going on in my household. I've been holding off because I feel like I'll take more of a beating than I already am IRL.
For me, my H is hardcore. I'm dealing with life or death. Addiction counselors have intervened on this issue. His cousin was just found dead last year of a heroin OD. He died with a needle in his arm. I'm not dealing with miniscule stuff anymore.
Thank you. Geeze - I didn't mean this to turn into a Callie thread. Sorry Cess. Anvil - I luv ya and I 100% didn't want to step on your toes. Maybe I'll muster up the courage to post a thread of my own with what's going on in my household. I've been holding off because I feel like I'll take more of a beating than I already am IRL.
For me, my H is hardcore. I'm dealing with life or death. Addiction counselors have intervened on this issue. His cousin was just found dead last year of a heroin OD. He died with a needle in his arm. I'm not dealing with miniscule stuff anymore.
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addiction is life or death. Every single time they use they risk death that the sad reality
Please do start a thread sometime......or tonight I dont think anyone intends to beat you up sometimes it just feels like it. I know I have had my turn with that too.
I remember when I first came to SR I was always so offended I kept thinking THESE people dont know me they dont know my life and MY ADDICT isnt like their addict..............What I soon learned was the word YET he wasnt like their addicts YET and these people DID know me, my addict and had a better understanding of my thoughts and actions and life at the time than I did. It just took me a while to see that.
So my one word of advise is No matter how much your feeling hurt no matter how offended just stick around cuz oneday you WILL look back and say wow they were right about so many things.......or at least thats how it worked out for me
Please do start a thread sometime......or tonight
I dont think anyone intends to beat you up sometimes it just feels like it. I know I have had my turn with that too.I remember when I first came to SR I was always so offended I kept thinking THESE people dont know me they dont know my life and MY ADDICT isnt like their addict..............What I soon learned was the word YET he wasnt like their addicts YET and these people DID know me, my addict and had a better understanding of my thoughts and actions and life at the time than I did. It just took me a while to see that.
So my one word of advise is No matter how much your feeling hurt no matter how offended just stick around cuz oneday you WILL look back and say wow they were right about so many things.......or at least thats how it worked out for me
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
The fact that I come across to someone as being PO'd most of the time tells me I have become ineffective as a messenger, and my time is better spent recharging my spiritual battery and doing a lot of reflection.
Originally Posted by cynical one
Does anyone besides me notice that FOR ONCE the addict, or the addiction, or the drug is not the main focus of a thread?
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Just for the record........ it was ANVIL that advised me to just "observe" during his relapse - NOT - boot his butt out! ............ AND...... guess what I did? I booted his butt out! lol
Now... I can't tell you just how many of my IRL friends/family have questioned my sanity - what the heck I have been thinking - to have put up with so much. But at the same time - they also see me growing...... NOT being a victim. Standing up for myself by getting help for myself! They ALSO see the good parts of my guy AND how much MORE my life falls apart with him not in it. The *IMPORTANT* thing here - is that I AM in recovery for my own SELF...... and that really is THE fact of the matter!
I am so darn grateful to EVERYONE here ..... and I see "recovery" flourishing like crazy mad!
The double winners are extra special in my heart - because they KNOW and they have SURVIVED and each day are working such an extreme recovery.
At times - (most times) - I am analyzing my relationship.... like it's a huge portion of me..... but the truth is.... it's just a part of me.... it's a 'shared' part of me. And when I see or hear of other strong relationships it makes me question where I am in *my* relationship. I get a bit green at times, too - especially when we are really going through a rough patch. Also - I will say that I don't come on here very often and post about how great things are. For one, it's because I have this *fear* that I am going to jinx things - and (in the book - the "SECRET" kind of way) - I DO end up jinxing things. (gotta change up that mind set!) ... and also - I don't come on here to share the positive - because that is when I don't need the support.
Also - I would like to add .... that I enjoy reading from the survivors of this addiction/codieness..... whether they are still in-tact with their loved ones or not...... either way - it gives me hope that there IS recovery!
Peace ~ and a whole lotta LOVE~! xoxoxo
Now... I can't tell you just how many of my IRL friends/family have questioned my sanity - what the heck I have been thinking - to have put up with so much. But at the same time - they also see me growing...... NOT being a victim. Standing up for myself by getting help for myself! They ALSO see the good parts of my guy AND how much MORE my life falls apart with him not in it. The *IMPORTANT* thing here - is that I AM in recovery for my own SELF...... and that really is THE fact of the matter!
I am so darn grateful to EVERYONE here ..... and I see "recovery" flourishing like crazy mad!
The double winners are extra special in my heart - because they KNOW and they have SURVIVED and each day are working such an extreme recovery.
At times - (most times) - I am analyzing my relationship.... like it's a huge portion of me..... but the truth is.... it's just a part of me.... it's a 'shared' part of me. And when I see or hear of other strong relationships it makes me question where I am in *my* relationship. I get a bit green at times, too - especially when we are really going through a rough patch. Also - I will say that I don't come on here very often and post about how great things are. For one, it's because I have this *fear* that I am going to jinx things - and (in the book - the "SECRET" kind of way) - I DO end up jinxing things. (gotta change up that mind set!) ... and also - I don't come on here to share the positive - because that is when I don't need the support.
Also - I would like to add .... that I enjoy reading from the survivors of this addiction/codieness..... whether they are still in-tact with their loved ones or not...... either way - it gives me hope that there IS recovery!
Peace ~ and a whole lotta LOVE~! xoxoxo
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1. Do you feel good about yourself when you're around this person? Do feel you relaxed and confident or is your life fraught with anxiety? Do you feel like you're being yourself in the relationship or simply reacting to them? My life is fraught with anxiety because of me (now). I am totally myself with him - frightening so. And yes- I do "react" when I'm hurt- and that is where my character defects come out big time!
2. Are your needs being met? How is the give and take? Are you giving more than you're receiving? Have you been clear with yourself about what your needs are? I'm re-learning just what my needs are..... but I can say that at times I think I am taking more than I am receiving because I am in a stand still mode. However, I am learning to see that we both give and take in different ways.
3. Are you having fun? Are you buddies with your mate as well as lovers?
We can have a great time together.... but I am re-learning that life isn't just one big party! (I got a bit addicted to all of those "fun" times!) And I am mourning bits of our relationship that "were" - when he was high on pills - and I was massively in DENIAL.
4. Is there a lot of sacrifice going on and how often? Does it feel different than compromising?
There are sacrifices going on with the both of us.... in different ways. I don't know if it is compromising as much as "just being". My insecurities tend to get the best of me.
5. Do you ever get the message that there's something wrong with you from this person? Do they blame you for things that are not your fault? When I get that there is something wrong - it's because of ME! My fears and anxiety from fear of abandonment. I wouldn't stand for being blamed for something that isn't my fault (from him) - typically it's ME that does the blaming of myself!
Our need for love and affection can sometimes be greater than the love we have for ourselves. Remember you can only control yourself and your reactions when it comes to others, and your happiness is your own responsibility.
I am currently re - learning that my happiness is NOT his responsibility - but my OWN! As, since knowing him, a part of me was awakened that was from his contribution - but not in a healthy way. I'd say that he contributes to the depth of my soul - and to that I am grateful. However - when I "feel" that he is creating to my sadness....... you bet I'll let him hold THAT trophy! However - I am working on that too!
2. Are your needs being met? How is the give and take? Are you giving more than you're receiving? Have you been clear with yourself about what your needs are? I'm re-learning just what my needs are..... but I can say that at times I think I am taking more than I am receiving because I am in a stand still mode. However, I am learning to see that we both give and take in different ways.
3. Are you having fun? Are you buddies with your mate as well as lovers?
We can have a great time together.... but I am re-learning that life isn't just one big party! (I got a bit addicted to all of those "fun" times!) And I am mourning bits of our relationship that "were" - when he was high on pills - and I was massively in DENIAL.
4. Is there a lot of sacrifice going on and how often? Does it feel different than compromising?
There are sacrifices going on with the both of us.... in different ways. I don't know if it is compromising as much as "just being". My insecurities tend to get the best of me.
5. Do you ever get the message that there's something wrong with you from this person? Do they blame you for things that are not your fault? When I get that there is something wrong - it's because of ME! My fears and anxiety from fear of abandonment. I wouldn't stand for being blamed for something that isn't my fault (from him) - typically it's ME that does the blaming of myself!
Our need for love and affection can sometimes be greater than the love we have for ourselves. Remember you can only control yourself and your reactions when it comes to others, and your happiness is your own responsibility.
I am currently re - learning that my happiness is NOT his responsibility - but my OWN! As, since knowing him, a part of me was awakened that was from his contribution - but not in a healthy way. I'd say that he contributes to the depth of my soul - and to that I am grateful. However - when I "feel" that he is creating to my sadness....... you bet I'll let him hold THAT trophy! However - I am working on that too!
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Since we are doing "for the records".....my problem is ME. I'm the one that is struggling with moving forward and it's very frustrating. I'm overly suspicsious and I imagine I am a nightmare to live with but my point was...I'm angry that I'm a casualty of this vile sickness.
Freedom, honey, I'm not angry at you but I did feel attacked - my program and I interpreted sympathay for my husband which I don't feel like he deserves. After everything he has put us through and the fact that he still isn't working due to his addiction (after almost 2 years) and I'm still struggling, I don't think he deserves any sympathy at all. He did this. I'm doing what I can and CR is only 2 x per week. I can't do much more than that except come here, e-mail serenityqueen and spend hours on the phone with Nytepassion and my accountability partners.
God only knows, I'm praying that my "replapses" get further and further apart. They are. I see growth and just because I vent about how angry I still am on SR, or how I think my husband is still using, does not always mean that I let onto that at home. I'm trying to regain my dignity but AH and sometimes SR make me feel like I'm the one with all the issues.
The first time AH relapsed (because I didn't know him in active addiction), I was forgiving, supportive and tried very hard not to judge. It's happened, 2 more times since then. Now I'm PO'd.
I appreciate the hard line approach from the seasoned SR'ers, however, like Callie said, when we are in pain, and maybe because we are girls, sometimes we just need a girlfriend, some empathy and some compassion and understanding. We are learning. Like I think Chino said, this is more about us than it is them (finally) and that is progress.
That being said -- I hope ALL of you have a wonderful, safe and relaxing weekend and that goes for everybody (you know who I'm talking to). I do love you all. I love the unique perspective you all have to offer and I love that you do what you do and I do believe the intentions are always good but being this is typing, something sometimes gets lost in translation.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend Everybody!
Freedom, honey, I'm not angry at you but I did feel attacked - my program and I interpreted sympathay for my husband which I don't feel like he deserves. After everything he has put us through and the fact that he still isn't working due to his addiction (after almost 2 years) and I'm still struggling, I don't think he deserves any sympathy at all. He did this. I'm doing what I can and CR is only 2 x per week. I can't do much more than that except come here, e-mail serenityqueen and spend hours on the phone with Nytepassion and my accountability partners.
God only knows, I'm praying that my "replapses" get further and further apart. They are. I see growth and just because I vent about how angry I still am on SR, or how I think my husband is still using, does not always mean that I let onto that at home. I'm trying to regain my dignity but AH and sometimes SR make me feel like I'm the one with all the issues.
The first time AH relapsed (because I didn't know him in active addiction), I was forgiving, supportive and tried very hard not to judge. It's happened, 2 more times since then. Now I'm PO'd.
I appreciate the hard line approach from the seasoned SR'ers, however, like Callie said, when we are in pain, and maybe because we are girls, sometimes we just need a girlfriend, some empathy and some compassion and understanding. We are learning. Like I think Chino said, this is more about us than it is them (finally) and that is progress.
That being said -- I hope ALL of you have a wonderful, safe and relaxing weekend and that goes for everybody (you know who I'm talking to). I do love you all. I love the unique perspective you all have to offer and I love that you do what you do and I do believe the intentions are always good but being this is typing, something sometimes gets lost in translation.
Happy Memorial Day Weekend Everybody!
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