Here is why....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I recall a point in my early recovery, where I could see how insane my life had become, where my heart was breaking because my son was addicted to drugs and not seriously trying to do anything about it, and where I "knew" what I needed to do but just didn't have the heart or courage to do it...and I remember that during this time, my CoDA group understood and supported me even though they may have known I was not yet on a good path.
Part of my recovery was that part where I had to struggle emotionally between what my heart told me and what my head already knew. I was no longer in denial, but just could not face where the road ahead might take me and I wanted to go back about 6 roads and just have everything "the way it used to be".
What was helpful was listening to people who had been where I was and who were okay today, as they shared "their" experience, strength and hope. What was helpful was just knowing that they understood and that my feelings...even my confused feelings...were valid. I needed that more than anything else in the world.
What did not help was people who "told" me what I "should" do (even if they were right). It was as if they were pushing me to skip the part where I learned to deal with my situation and grow. It was as if they wanted me to skip the part where I needed to struggle and surrender, without that part my recovery just would not have happened. To me this was like telling an addict to "just stop using and get your life together right now". And something that delayed my process many times was hearing another recovering addict tell me that if they had taken the action that I knew I needed to take, they would never have found recovery. Poppycock! Addicts find recovery when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
I know today that I could never "love" my son into recovery. If love could save any of our addicts, not one of us would be here. But I stayed in a bad situation for a long time because I believed in love. I thought in my heart that if I gave my son a good home, a safe environment, and protected him from the consequences of his actions...that maybe he would want recovery. I learned that all that did was make me as sick as him.
I share this because I hear Cessy`s pain, I hear her cry for understanding and compassion, and I hear her reaching out to others who have been where she is.
My meetings taught me to listen, to hear, and to share what helped me. My meetings taught me that each person has to go through their own pain and process, in order to see what works for them. And my recovery taught me that I cannot fix them or their situation, anymore than I could save my son from his addiction. All I can do is share what I have and then let them figure out how to find what I have...if they want it, if they are ready.
Cessy, please know that we are all here to offer support. Some of us will offer something that is useful to you. Some of us, with good intentions, will annoy you and even get pushy sometimes (we codies just have a knack for that,
)
Just know that there is not one poster here who does not understand and care. How we express that may encompass different methods, but all sharing is done with love in our hearts for a codie who suffers, just as we suffered. If we all had the same opinion, there would be no need for a 3 page thread, one reply would suffice...and that is never the case. Embracing our diversity instead of challenging our differences makes SR a safe and helpful place to be.
Short version of all this...I am glad you are here and sharing, and glad people are reaching out to you. In the end, you will find your own path, just like the line under my signature suggests. That quote came from a member called Frankly, whose support and wisdom has made a huge difference in my recovery.
We love you and care. The rest is just our way of showing it.
Hugs
Part of my recovery was that part where I had to struggle emotionally between what my heart told me and what my head already knew. I was no longer in denial, but just could not face where the road ahead might take me and I wanted to go back about 6 roads and just have everything "the way it used to be".
What was helpful was listening to people who had been where I was and who were okay today, as they shared "their" experience, strength and hope. What was helpful was just knowing that they understood and that my feelings...even my confused feelings...were valid. I needed that more than anything else in the world.
What did not help was people who "told" me what I "should" do (even if they were right). It was as if they were pushing me to skip the part where I learned to deal with my situation and grow. It was as if they wanted me to skip the part where I needed to struggle and surrender, without that part my recovery just would not have happened. To me this was like telling an addict to "just stop using and get your life together right now". And something that delayed my process many times was hearing another recovering addict tell me that if they had taken the action that I knew I needed to take, they would never have found recovery. Poppycock! Addicts find recovery when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping.
I know today that I could never "love" my son into recovery. If love could save any of our addicts, not one of us would be here. But I stayed in a bad situation for a long time because I believed in love. I thought in my heart that if I gave my son a good home, a safe environment, and protected him from the consequences of his actions...that maybe he would want recovery. I learned that all that did was make me as sick as him.
I share this because I hear Cessy`s pain, I hear her cry for understanding and compassion, and I hear her reaching out to others who have been where she is.
My meetings taught me to listen, to hear, and to share what helped me. My meetings taught me that each person has to go through their own pain and process, in order to see what works for them. And my recovery taught me that I cannot fix them or their situation, anymore than I could save my son from his addiction. All I can do is share what I have and then let them figure out how to find what I have...if they want it, if they are ready.
Cessy, please know that we are all here to offer support. Some of us will offer something that is useful to you. Some of us, with good intentions, will annoy you and even get pushy sometimes (we codies just have a knack for that,
)Just know that there is not one poster here who does not understand and care. How we express that may encompass different methods, but all sharing is done with love in our hearts for a codie who suffers, just as we suffered. If we all had the same opinion, there would be no need for a 3 page thread, one reply would suffice...and that is never the case. Embracing our diversity instead of challenging our differences makes SR a safe and helpful place to be.
Short version of all this...I am glad you are here and sharing, and glad people are reaching out to you. In the end, you will find your own path, just like the line under my signature suggests. That quote came from a member called Frankly, whose support and wisdom has made a huge difference in my recovery.
We love you and care. The rest is just our way of showing it.
Hugs
Optimist
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 486
Hi everyone,
I've been following this thread for a while, but now I finally think I have something to add..
Cessy (et al), I understand how you feel. I had another post on another forum, looking for suggestions for secular support groups, and someone asked me if I didn't think I was "codie" or sick in some way, what I was looking for? I replied:
What I'm looking for are other people who can relate to what I am going through. People who I can see and talk to face to face. People who won't think I'm some kind of freak loser for being married to a junkie. Not a recovery program, but a support network. People on the outside of a situation like this don't really understand or empathize. They pity you, and then they walk away for fear of getting involved.
In addition, I DO need to recover...from the shock, grief and loss I'm feeling. My life, as I knew it, is gone, irrevicably changed, and I'm pretty freaked out about it...
I hope that this lets you know that there are others who know how you feel, and that your feelings [B]are[B] valid.
~Daisy
I've been following this thread for a while, but now I finally think I have something to add..
Cessy (et al), I understand how you feel. I had another post on another forum, looking for suggestions for secular support groups, and someone asked me if I didn't think I was "codie" or sick in some way, what I was looking for? I replied:
What I'm looking for are other people who can relate to what I am going through. People who I can see and talk to face to face. People who won't think I'm some kind of freak loser for being married to a junkie. Not a recovery program, but a support network. People on the outside of a situation like this don't really understand or empathize. They pity you, and then they walk away for fear of getting involved.
In addition, I DO need to recover...from the shock, grief and loss I'm feeling. My life, as I knew it, is gone, irrevicably changed, and I'm pretty freaked out about it...
I hope that this lets you know that there are others who know how you feel, and that your feelings [B]are[B] valid.
~Daisy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Well, this turned out better than I thought it would.
As I was reading this thread over agan, it also occured to me that I'm a little jealous in a twisted way of the addicts/alcoholics that get sober.
My AH gets to go to as many meetings as we wants every day. Sometimes it's 2-3 meetings a day. Of course I'm at work earning the paycheck and have children duty at night so I'm too busy keeping everything a float to go to more than one or two meetings a week. Often I feel guilty for picking the children up from daycare, getting Happy Meals and dropping them off at the nursery offered at my meeting so I can go to my thing for a little while, pick them up again, take them home and put them to bed. My time with with my children on some days is reduced to less than an hour collectively. They are casualties of addiction because the parents are running in different directions addressing their "issues". I guess those are better issues to have than others. I still feel guilty. I feel like they are getting ripped off too.
AH gets to go to meetings. He also gets rewards - chips, high-five's, whoo hoo's, applause.
Some of us codies go to meetings. We get to share. We get to hear each other's stories and not feel alone. I got a chip for surrendering. Will I get any more? When does our "clean date" or "birthday" or "anniversary" date begin? There will never be a "I've been sober for _____ days/months/years".
I feel a little lost. I think alot of attention is on the addicts and not the devastation they leave behind.
I'm very frustrated. I think we are all growing. We can't hang around SR and not grow. I am not growing at the speed I wish I were and Cessy, neither are you but it's okay. Just as the addict was not addicted overnight, neither can we heal overnight. Some days are better than others. Some days I can detach. Some days I can Let Go and Let God. I think that's progress. Some days I can accept that I have no control and be fine with it and other days, I grab it all back and clutch it to my chest like a lifeline when in fact it's more like a weighted anchor chained to my ankle.
A support group and accountability people are wonderful tools but they can't be with me when an arguement errupts and something is said that sends me over the edge (I'm pretty much passive-aggressive). Now, if I had the URGE to fight and be nasty, I could call on them to talk me down and help me. I just don't think that our Codie behavior pivits solely on a choice or a physical need. It's behavior modification. I wish I could make a choice to not be Codie but it's interwoven in every relationship.
Cessy, you are making a lot of progress. You are here. I don't think any of us here mind being wrong (because the addicts posting on the F&F threads ARE 95% of the time right about what is going to happen if we do ____). Admitting that our way didn't work is not the issue. Knowing that we are not alone and we are not psychotic is.
We are by-products of addiction and there is no quick-fix for most of us.
As I was reading this thread over agan, it also occured to me that I'm a little jealous in a twisted way of the addicts/alcoholics that get sober.
My AH gets to go to as many meetings as we wants every day. Sometimes it's 2-3 meetings a day. Of course I'm at work earning the paycheck and have children duty at night so I'm too busy keeping everything a float to go to more than one or two meetings a week. Often I feel guilty for picking the children up from daycare, getting Happy Meals and dropping them off at the nursery offered at my meeting so I can go to my thing for a little while, pick them up again, take them home and put them to bed. My time with with my children on some days is reduced to less than an hour collectively. They are casualties of addiction because the parents are running in different directions addressing their "issues". I guess those are better issues to have than others. I still feel guilty. I feel like they are getting ripped off too.
AH gets to go to meetings. He also gets rewards - chips, high-five's, whoo hoo's, applause.
Some of us codies go to meetings. We get to share. We get to hear each other's stories and not feel alone. I got a chip for surrendering. Will I get any more? When does our "clean date" or "birthday" or "anniversary" date begin? There will never be a "I've been sober for _____ days/months/years".
I feel a little lost. I think alot of attention is on the addicts and not the devastation they leave behind.
I'm very frustrated. I think we are all growing. We can't hang around SR and not grow. I am not growing at the speed I wish I were and Cessy, neither are you but it's okay. Just as the addict was not addicted overnight, neither can we heal overnight. Some days are better than others. Some days I can detach. Some days I can Let Go and Let God. I think that's progress. Some days I can accept that I have no control and be fine with it and other days, I grab it all back and clutch it to my chest like a lifeline when in fact it's more like a weighted anchor chained to my ankle.
A support group and accountability people are wonderful tools but they can't be with me when an arguement errupts and something is said that sends me over the edge (I'm pretty much passive-aggressive). Now, if I had the URGE to fight and be nasty, I could call on them to talk me down and help me. I just don't think that our Codie behavior pivits solely on a choice or a physical need. It's behavior modification. I wish I could make a choice to not be Codie but it's interwoven in every relationship.
Cessy, you are making a lot of progress. You are here. I don't think any of us here mind being wrong (because the addicts posting on the F&F threads ARE 95% of the time right about what is going to happen if we do ____). Admitting that our way didn't work is not the issue. Knowing that we are not alone and we are not psychotic is.
We are by-products of addiction and there is no quick-fix for most of us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo 
As I was reading this thread over agan, it also occured to me that I'm a little jealous in a twisted way of the addicts/alcoholics that get sober.
AH gets to go to meetings. He also gets rewards - chips, high-five's, whoo hoo's, applause.
Some of us codies go to meetings. We get to share. We get to hear each other's stories and not feel alone. I got a chip for surrendering. Will I get any more? When does our "clean date" or "birthday" or "anniversary" date begin? There will never be a "I've been sober for _____ days/months/years".
I feel a little lost. I think alot of attention is on the addicts and not the devastation they leave behind.
I'm very frustrated. I think we are all growing. We are by-products of addiction and there is no quick-fix for most of us.
AH gets to go to meetings. He also gets rewards - chips, high-five's, whoo hoo's, applause.
Some of us codies go to meetings. We get to share. We get to hear each other's stories and not feel alone. I got a chip for surrendering. Will I get any more? When does our "clean date" or "birthday" or "anniversary" date begin? There will never be a "I've been sober for _____ days/months/years".
I feel a little lost. I think alot of attention is on the addicts and not the devastation they leave behind.
I'm very frustrated. I think we are all growing. We are by-products of addiction and there is no quick-fix for most of us.
I understand completely, it's amazing what comes out of peoples mouths when we get honest with ourselves and others. I'm a firm believer that if we don't share this stuff, we are just being 'phonie' about our issues, and this will stifel our ability to get well.
I know others will look at what you said, and think, "oh my word, what a selfish thing to say!"
BUT I don't. Addiction is the most selfish - self-loathing thing to do to oneself, and although it may not be intended to be selfish, it is, and it destroys the loved ones around the person. It's like saying we aren't pissed at the abivilance of the government after hurrican Katrina-- we couldn't stop the hurricane, but heck - we sure could have stood up and said, "I'm angry, do SOMETHING"
Ambivilance is selfish-- and this is something we see in addiction everyday.
It's about time that codies adopted a little bit of that-- to save themselves.
I'm on here talking about my abf-- but sometimes I sit back and think about if the addict in my life were my CHILD-- like some of the people here. How pissed would I be then? I spend nine months carrying a baby, nurseing a baby, growing a baby, putting my needs last-- for the sake of my child, and then they grow up, and utterly destroy the life that I fought tooth and nail to give to them? Yea, I'd be mad then too------- HOWEVER, do you know what I see clear as day with that situation also????? PAIN, PAIN, PAIN.
That is someones flesh and blood.... their baby. I'm sure when these parents on here were rocking their beautiful baby in the wee hours of the night- they never pictured rocking back and forth, alone in the middle of the night- some 18 years later, waiting, praying, crying, hangin on for dear life that their 'baby' is ok......... that is love. and when you give your all to someone unconditionally, and addiction swipes them out from under our feet, all I can say is Flippin PAIN.
It stinks for all of us here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by Ann
Part of my recovery was that part where I had to struggle emotionally between what my heart told me and what my head already knew.
What was helpful was listening to people who had been where I was and who were okay today, as they shared "their" experience, strength and hope. What was helpful was just knowing that they understood and that my feelings...even my confused feelings...were valid. I needed that more than anything else in the world.
What did not help was people who "told" me what I "should" do (even if they were right). It was as if they were pushing me to skip the part where I learned to deal with my situation and grow. It was as if they wanted me to skip the part where I needed to struggle and surrender, without that part my recovery just would not have happened. .
I share this because I hear Cessy`s pain, I hear her cry for understanding and compassion, and I hear her reaching out to others who have been where she is.
We love you and care. The rest is just our way of showing it.
Hugs
What was helpful was listening to people who had been where I was and who were okay today, as they shared "their" experience, strength and hope. What was helpful was just knowing that they understood and that my feelings...even my confused feelings...were valid. I needed that more than anything else in the world.
What did not help was people who "told" me what I "should" do (even if they were right). It was as if they were pushing me to skip the part where I learned to deal with my situation and grow. It was as if they wanted me to skip the part where I needed to struggle and surrender, without that part my recovery just would not have happened. .
I share this because I hear Cessy`s pain, I hear her cry for understanding and compassion, and I hear her reaching out to others who have been where she is.
We love you and care. The rest is just our way of showing it.
Hugs
Thank you, thank you. and more thankyou.
Hugs,
Cessy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
You know Mrs Magoo - that's why i come to this site. Becuase there are no ataboys for me. I have to do these things - i have to take care of everything, pay the bills, work, and be the rock but i dont have many people asking me how i'm doing, praising me, or saying good job when i get through a codie relapse. I do get that here. but there is something bigger that you may be missing - i'm not doing this for my AS, or for praise or anything else - im doing this for myself and for my daughter. So if i'm purely trying to recovery for myself then its me who benefits - me who eventually starts to find the joy and happiness in living again. I dont seek rewards of this world - i seek peace and serenity and eventually that can be a much bigger reward then anything anyone could ever give to you. I have those times where i want to scream "what about me" but then i realize that its up to me to take care of me - just like its eventually up to them to seek recovery.
give yourselves time and try to do some things to find the joy in your life again - if you keep working at it you will find the inner peace
give yourselves time and try to do some things to find the joy in your life again - if you keep working at it you will find the inner peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by winnie12
You know Mrs Magoo - that's why i come to this site. Becuase there are no ataboys for me.
but i dont have many people asking me how i'm doing, praising me, or saying good job when i get through a codie relapse.
give yourselves time and try to do some things to find the joy in your life again - if you keep working at it you will find the inner peace
but i dont have many people asking me how i'm doing, praising me, or saying good job when i get through a codie relapse.
give yourselves time and try to do some things to find the joy in your life again - if you keep working at it you will find the inner peace
School is for ME!!
Yesterday, I got the news that I did achieve my 4.0, and made deans list.
I must have told 20 people I knew--- suddenly the shift was off of 'needing' my attaboy - (about dealing with the addict in my life, and being the rock), but became a TRUE attaboy, all about ME!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by cessy68
I'm sure when these parents on here were rocking their beautiful baby in the wee hours of the night- they never pictured rocking back and forth, alone in the middle of the night- some 18 years later, waiting, praying, crying, hangin on for dear life that their 'baby' is ok......... that is love.
I was standing once again on the brink of insanity, being sucked in by her disease.
It was at that point I knew I had to let go and let God. I had to trust the process and have faith that God had a plan for her just as he's always had for me.
I've moved past the point of constant pain from my AD's disease.
Today I am reasonably happy, my life is full, and I sleep well at night knowing I have placed her in God's loving hands.
I saw the growth in me last week when I found out that my soon to be 14 year old granddaughter will be going to live with AD and attend high school in her area this fall.
Was I disappointed? Yes. Was it a surprise? No. That possibility was in the back of my mind for quite some time.
Once again I choose to have faith that God also has a plan for my granddaughter. I will not project into the future, nor will I assume the worst.
So many things that I thought were the worst possible outcomes in my life have turned out to be blessings in disguise.
So, something that would have sent me into a tailspin and chronic emotional pain (my granddaughter going to live with AD) not so very long ago has simply become another life's event that I have no control over, and will entrust to God.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Different Perspective
I am forever grateful for the handful of frequent posters here, who pull no punches. I appreciate their edge and that they risk an upset to drive the message home. They remind me, everyday, that I am responsible for me.
Take what we need and leave the rest.
Take what we need and leave the rest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by cessy68
I must have told 20 people I knew--- suddenly the shift was off of 'needing' my attaboy - (about dealing with the addict in my life, and being the rock), but became a TRUE attaboy, all about ME!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Anvil - thank you for replying.
I am in therapy ....... RE - LEARNING my sense of self..... I have totally lost my sense of self.... and it is THAT... that is the most churning.
If my guy relapses....... and chooses to be an "idiot" ........ my boundary is that he is to NOT come home.
When my guy first relapsed... I figured it was over for good........ but another codie/addict somehow got us back together. BTW - she is now 100 something days clean and doing 1-2 meetings a day - has left her alcoholic husband and has moved a few hundred miles away to be with her support network. I actually was her "go to" person when she decided to detox off the pills and she would call ME to talk her down from using! Pretty ironic! (So proud of her!)
Anyway - he was back home in a matter of weeks.
However, his last relapse..... was hours before we were going on a family trip across the US - to visit *HIS* family!!!! I used this SR board the night of - up to the point - of departing on the airplane. Annnnnnnnnnnnd.... because of the situation - needless to say - my boundary didn't stay in place, but my looks could have killed. And as a result - his folks most likely found me to be the most evil girlfriend EVER. (Although - I don't think they think that now - or at least I hope they don't)
Back to the last relapse - the day we got home from visiting his family - HE was on the phone with addiction specialists for Subutex treatment. He had an appointment the very next day. He has stuck with it now for 6 months and he has been their best patient! Subutex has helped him more than he even imagined. (In the early stage - there were some massive rocky times... not to forget - the few weeks of him doing n20 and me struggling YET again with not having a boundary for "that" - while I was working that part out - he just got sick and tired of using it). He has been weaning off of the subutex - and has gone from taking it throughout the day.... to taking it only at night. He also got himself on some Bipolar meds..... and over the course of 6 months - he is finding himself "happy" when he wakes up in the morning - and ready to greet the day! (he actually rises before the alarm goes off and is the first out of bed!) He is working a ton - and is extremely proud of himself. His recovery is for him to own.... and all I have done (in regards to his recovery) is put my boundaries in place - should there be another relapse.
NOW...... it's ABOUT ME! Like I said - I'm in therapy to find my sense of self AGAIN - to love myself / forgive myself - for all that I lost in *his* addiction.... all that I CHOSE to do when it came down to fixing him. The reality is that I didn't do anything to fix him, all I did was damage myself, in the process. And I ALLOWED myself to GET lost.
If it wasn't for the addict in my life ... I wouldn't be working on my codependency - which I have grown into since childhood. So - I'm going back to my childhood to work through this. It did NOT start with my guy's addiction - it started with ME - but *his* addiction has brought out my sickness and has literally forced me to look at myself.
We are both re-learning how to live without addiction in either one of our lives. He is OCD in things he does...... and I have attachment issues. We BOTH have issues. We are working on them in our own way.
I never knew my guy "sober" - I met him when he was an 'undercover' user.... turned into "abuser" - resulting in addiction. He used to say.... I wish you would have met me "when I was x years younger and not so damaged"..... and little did he or I know that was like giving candy to a child! To a "codie" - that was JUST what I needed to hear ..... for *I* was going to help him get back to that person he was proud of once before. :::Sigh::: - but I lost myself totally and completely in doing so. Actually - he sent me an email about the 3rd week into knowing one another - telling me how much he appreciated "our talk"..... and that he was in a fork in the road and didn't know which way to go and that he was just needing a "sign"...... and that .... "PERHAPS I WAS IT" - the sign he was looking for! My gosh - that made me light up.... because intuitively - I just "knew" - I was that sign! Little did I know - the price I would pay.
We all have our own stories.... the addicts are our children, our siblings, loved ones who we knew for many years as being sober prior to addiction, being double winners, the list goes on.......... but the one thing we in codie land can relate to is truly believing the words.....
"I can't control IT, cure IT, or cause IT" ....
and we ALL are given tools to find serenity in our lives no matter what course we CHOOSE to go down.
Cessy - you have brought together a fruitful thread..... with much *abundance*!
Thank you.
Peace ~ xoxo
I am in therapy ....... RE - LEARNING my sense of self..... I have totally lost my sense of self.... and it is THAT... that is the most churning.
If my guy relapses....... and chooses to be an "idiot" ........ my boundary is that he is to NOT come home.
When my guy first relapsed... I figured it was over for good........ but another codie/addict somehow got us back together. BTW - she is now 100 something days clean and doing 1-2 meetings a day - has left her alcoholic husband and has moved a few hundred miles away to be with her support network. I actually was her "go to" person when she decided to detox off the pills and she would call ME to talk her down from using! Pretty ironic! (So proud of her!)
Anyway - he was back home in a matter of weeks.
However, his last relapse..... was hours before we were going on a family trip across the US - to visit *HIS* family!!!! I used this SR board the night of - up to the point - of departing on the airplane. Annnnnnnnnnnnd.... because of the situation - needless to say - my boundary didn't stay in place, but my looks could have killed. And as a result - his folks most likely found me to be the most evil girlfriend EVER. (Although - I don't think they think that now - or at least I hope they don't)
Back to the last relapse - the day we got home from visiting his family - HE was on the phone with addiction specialists for Subutex treatment. He had an appointment the very next day. He has stuck with it now for 6 months and he has been their best patient! Subutex has helped him more than he even imagined. (In the early stage - there were some massive rocky times... not to forget - the few weeks of him doing n20 and me struggling YET again with not having a boundary for "that" - while I was working that part out - he just got sick and tired of using it). He has been weaning off of the subutex - and has gone from taking it throughout the day.... to taking it only at night. He also got himself on some Bipolar meds..... and over the course of 6 months - he is finding himself "happy" when he wakes up in the morning - and ready to greet the day! (he actually rises before the alarm goes off and is the first out of bed!) He is working a ton - and is extremely proud of himself. His recovery is for him to own.... and all I have done (in regards to his recovery) is put my boundaries in place - should there be another relapse.
NOW...... it's ABOUT ME! Like I said - I'm in therapy to find my sense of self AGAIN - to love myself / forgive myself - for all that I lost in *his* addiction.... all that I CHOSE to do when it came down to fixing him. The reality is that I didn't do anything to fix him, all I did was damage myself, in the process. And I ALLOWED myself to GET lost.
If it wasn't for the addict in my life ... I wouldn't be working on my codependency - which I have grown into since childhood. So - I'm going back to my childhood to work through this. It did NOT start with my guy's addiction - it started with ME - but *his* addiction has brought out my sickness and has literally forced me to look at myself.
We are both re-learning how to live without addiction in either one of our lives. He is OCD in things he does...... and I have attachment issues. We BOTH have issues. We are working on them in our own way.
I never knew my guy "sober" - I met him when he was an 'undercover' user.... turned into "abuser" - resulting in addiction. He used to say.... I wish you would have met me "when I was x years younger and not so damaged"..... and little did he or I know that was like giving candy to a child! To a "codie" - that was JUST what I needed to hear ..... for *I* was going to help him get back to that person he was proud of once before. :::Sigh::: - but I lost myself totally and completely in doing so. Actually - he sent me an email about the 3rd week into knowing one another - telling me how much he appreciated "our talk"..... and that he was in a fork in the road and didn't know which way to go and that he was just needing a "sign"...... and that .... "PERHAPS I WAS IT" - the sign he was looking for! My gosh - that made me light up.... because intuitively - I just "knew" - I was that sign! Little did I know - the price I would pay.
We all have our own stories.... the addicts are our children, our siblings, loved ones who we knew for many years as being sober prior to addiction, being double winners, the list goes on.......... but the one thing we in codie land can relate to is truly believing the words.....
"I can't control IT, cure IT, or cause IT" ....
and we ALL are given tools to find serenity in our lives no matter what course we CHOOSE to go down.
Cessy - you have brought together a fruitful thread..... with much *abundance*!
Thank you. Peace ~ xoxo
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Originally Posted by cessy68
In regard to what freedom said-- I don't know what to be to the abf.... the po'd partner, or the loving supportive partner-- to me, neither side is productive.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
It was at that point I knew I had to let go and let God. I had to trust the process and have faith that God had a plan for her just as he's always had for me.
another life's event that I have no control over, and will entrust to God.
another life's event that I have no control over, and will entrust to God.
What do people do-- who don't have any faith based background? What are these people told to do.... when they hit bottom?
(im being very serious). I have never been to a codie meeting-- and I'm wondering what happens to those who aren't faith based people.
To be honest, sometimes I think it's very difficult, when exploring religion-- to come up with answers. I did a cross-religion cultural class in school this year- and there are so many various 'beliefs' out in our world.
What happens to those people who just believe in evolution, or reincarnation, (like buddhists)?
I think these people are very spiritual and loving, but don't have a 'god' per say.
At times I wonder still about my faith-- and who exactly I'm handing myself and my loved ones over to...............
Just a question that I've wondered all along, but was too afraid to ask.
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Handing it over to their "higher power", to the "universe".
The Universe is pretty amazing!!
Higher Power is universal.
I know people who aren't religious and do the 12 steps..... and they are so grateful to have the HP .... and / or the "universe".
The Universe is pretty amazing!!
Higher Power is universal.
I know people who aren't religious and do the 12 steps..... and they are so grateful to have the HP .... and / or the "universe".
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Originally Posted by cessy68
oh boy-- I hate to even ask this question, but I must ask. I will prefece my question, with a loud and clear, " I cessy, do believe in 'god'".... (I was raised by a devout Catholic mother.....but......
What do people do-- who don't have any faith based background? What are these people told to do.... when they hit bottom?
What do people do-- who don't have any faith based background? What are these people told to do.... when they hit bottom?
I struggled with the whole God concept when I first got clean/sober. I was still equating that with my religious upbringing.
The best I could do in early recovery was see that people in recovery had something that I wanted, and so a very small window opened up of accepting that a group of recovering people had more power than me.
Eventually I found a God of my understanding, who by the way, has nothing to do with religion in my world.
Religion is man-made to impress God. Spirituality is God-given. That is my opinion.
My dad and I still butt heads because I am no longer a practicing Catholic!
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you know i too wish everyone didnt have to feel divided right now. at one point in my life i was in an abusive love relationship with an A - i had to end it for my sanity and for my son. now i'm dealing with an AS so back in the same drama. i can see both sides but what i really know is that had i addressed my codie nature during that break i may have handled this situation with AS better. so i have seen both sides and do understand - i guarantee you that Anvil understands more than you can imagine.
Tough love here - sympathy can make you feel better temporarily but good solid advice from someone who has lived it and survived can help you make a change. NO ONE is telling ANYONE what to do - leave or stay that is your choice, but some here are survivors and we can learn a lot from them. if you leave then some here can help you get through that and if you decide to stay then some here can help you to learn to accept what that life means. but that decision to stay or leave is up to you and honestly i think that is the real topic here - when you cant decide whether to leave or stay and you live your life in limbo and you really arent living. sooner or later you have to figure out if you are willing to accept the A for who they are today or move on.
Tough love here - sympathy can make you feel better temporarily but good solid advice from someone who has lived it and survived can help you make a change. NO ONE is telling ANYONE what to do - leave or stay that is your choice, but some here are survivors and we can learn a lot from them. if you leave then some here can help you get through that and if you decide to stay then some here can help you to learn to accept what that life means. but that decision to stay or leave is up to you and honestly i think that is the real topic here - when you cant decide whether to leave or stay and you live your life in limbo and you really arent living. sooner or later you have to figure out if you are willing to accept the A for who they are today or move on.
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
from callie's post
since when did we choose sides.....what's this US vs YOU GUYS stuff? what, once addiction is no longer an active part of your life you're out of the club? i'm sorry, i have sensed a growing hostility here and a passive-aggressive attack on me and my life today, as if there is something WRONG with it. perhaps the message i've been trying to carry has gone stale, or past it's pull date. regardless, i was called out personally, and i gave the most honest open reply i could. and i'm gonna leave it at that and move myself to "safer" ground.
by the way, i'm not a HARD ASS, i'm just passionate about living the best life possible and not throwing myself under the bus for ANYBODY......
since when did we choose sides.....what's this US vs YOU GUYS stuff? what, once addiction is no longer an active part of your life you're out of the club? i'm sorry, i have sensed a growing hostility here and a passive-aggressive attack on me and my life today, as if there is something WRONG with it. perhaps the message i've been trying to carry has gone stale, or past it's pull date. regardless, i was called out personally, and i gave the most honest open reply i could. and i'm gonna leave it at that and move myself to "safer" ground.
by the way, i'm not a HARD ASS, i'm just passionate about living the best life possible and not throwing myself under the bus for ANYBODY......
Thank you for answering. I've gotta run my kids to a bball game - don't mean to post and run.
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Originally Posted by winnie12
you know i too wish everyone didnt have to feel divided right now.
I've been wanting to use that guy ^ and finally got my opportunity lol!
I'm kind of glad I had a slip in this thread, though. It was a gentle reminder to ask if I'm not sure about something.
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eah?????:wtf2
I've got an Archie Bunker moment going on over here.............. If you all could see my face right now... and I've saying EAH??? scratching my head as to what just went wrong.
I thought this thread was a little heated for a bit, but then the clouds parted, and everyone was getting out what they needed, people with different opinions, and places in recovery, and/or ways of handeling things... were suddenly being understood, and it turned into a beautiful revealing conversation..... filled with UNDERSTANDING of each other.
Then I just sign back on here, and BAM! people are upset and angry again.
For the love of god, can't we all understand that we are ALL just trying to learn? (at our own pace)? It's like one teacher in my kids school was great for my daughter, (and she's a wonderful teacher) BUT was horrid with my son- He just didn't 'click' with her style of teaching.... DOSEN'T make her a bad teacher!!!!!!!!!!!!
And furthermore, NO ONE was personally attacked..... Anvil, don't grab your basketball and just leave, because you 'think' someone insinuated that there is something wrong with your life.....
I think Callie insinuated that perhaps the knockem' sockem' attitude you have when dealing with an addict -- can be less than empathetic, to someone who is in pain....
BUT that dosen't mean YOUR opinion isn't VALUED or APPRECIATED.....
To run and hide just wouldn't be your style.... so, please continue to contribute. If someone dosen't like what you have to say, who cares? I'm sure many people don't like what I have to say, but I don't go running away.....
YOU are the one who told me that if something rattles me, its about ME....
I've got an Archie Bunker moment going on over here.............. If you all could see my face right now... and I've saying EAH??? scratching my head as to what just went wrong.
I thought this thread was a little heated for a bit, but then the clouds parted, and everyone was getting out what they needed, people with different opinions, and places in recovery, and/or ways of handeling things... were suddenly being understood, and it turned into a beautiful revealing conversation..... filled with UNDERSTANDING of each other.
Then I just sign back on here, and BAM! people are upset and angry again.
For the love of god, can't we all understand that we are ALL just trying to learn? (at our own pace)? It's like one teacher in my kids school was great for my daughter, (and she's a wonderful teacher) BUT was horrid with my son- He just didn't 'click' with her style of teaching.... DOSEN'T make her a bad teacher!!!!!!!!!!!!
And furthermore, NO ONE was personally attacked..... Anvil, don't grab your basketball and just leave, because you 'think' someone insinuated that there is something wrong with your life.....
I think Callie insinuated that perhaps the knockem' sockem' attitude you have when dealing with an addict -- can be less than empathetic, to someone who is in pain....
BUT that dosen't mean YOUR opinion isn't VALUED or APPRECIATED.....
To run and hide just wouldn't be your style.... so, please continue to contribute. If someone dosen't like what you have to say, who cares? I'm sure many people don't like what I have to say, but I don't go running away.....
YOU are the one who told me that if something rattles me, its about ME....
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I think I have become ineffective as a carrier of any message when it comes to codependency.
It may be just me, but there are times I feel I'm at a disadvantage because I'm not just solely codependent; rather I can come from the viewpoint of a codependent having been married to an addict, and because I have an adult child in active addiction. I also have the viewpoint of a recovering addict/alcoholic. I think somehow my message is running through filters I'm not aware of, or something.
The fact that I come across to someone as being PO'd most of the time tells me I have become ineffective as a messenger, and my time is better spent recharging my spiritual battery and doing a lot of reflection.
It may be just me, but there are times I feel I'm at a disadvantage because I'm not just solely codependent; rather I can come from the viewpoint of a codependent having been married to an addict, and because I have an adult child in active addiction. I also have the viewpoint of a recovering addict/alcoholic. I think somehow my message is running through filters I'm not aware of, or something.
The fact that I come across to someone as being PO'd most of the time tells me I have become ineffective as a messenger, and my time is better spent recharging my spiritual battery and doing a lot of reflection.
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