justtired

For anyone who didn't read my last thread... my abf and I had a 4-hour long exhausting conversation (quack-a-rama, crazy-fest... whatever you want to call it) about a week ago. I needed a break so I left a note and stayed with a friend for about 5 days. What a long and trying week!!!

I was soooo nervous about coming back home. I hadn't heard from him the whole time and I wasn't sure what he was thinking or what he had been doing. I got home and he had the dogs out. When we went inside, the house was CLEAN! I mean really nice and organized, dishes were done, papers were not all over the place. It actually looked like a home! Our house is always in disarray because we don't have an office so papers are always everywhere and abf never organizes. Just make piles all over the place. It was a pleasant surprise as i was expecting to come home to a HUGE mess and to see him sitting in his chair in the corner in a pile of garbage! LOL

Anyway, we talked about why I left and what I thought about. He validated how I feel and said he can understand everything that I'm feeling. He says that he is scared too about addiction. He knows that his dad was an alcoholic and know that he himself cannot drink due to alcohol addiction. He completely understands the logic behind my fears and says he is afraid of it too. He doesn't want to lose everything because of addiction. He says that he actually tries to think whether or not he's taking his pills because he actually hurts or if it's cravings. What a weird feeling that must be to NOT KNOW and to have to question yourself.

Anybody else out there in this position where the addict knows logically that he is at risk for addiction (due to family history), even knows s/he has a problem, but can't totally grasp the extent that it's already affecting them? I mean, he knows he has a problem. He is scared of losing everything. The LOGIC is there. But denial still gets in the way of him seeing everything completely clearly. As I read this I wonder if people will laugh. Because maybe this is completely typical. But to me it's different than it was so maybe I'm just not grasping the situation yet...

Abf will be seeing his psychologist/addiction specialist on Saturday. He is going to talk to him more about it and different options. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but I feel like there has been a change. He really thought I was leaving. He thought I was going to come back and pack my stuff up and move. I did think about doing just that. I have some hope for the first time in a long time that maybe there is hope. I know A's are good at manipulating. But this didn't feel like it (I've gotten pretty good at reading his BS). I guess now I just wait and see what his ACTIONS tell me. And hope I'm not setting my heart up for another big

Thank you all for reading.

Hope everyone has a good Memorial weekend!

winnie12

Most def seen this with AS. You're absolutely right it is denial. Unfortunately for my son he had to learn the hard way that he is an addict. It really did take loosing everything, OD'ing, being in jail, hospitals - right now he just feels mostly like he lost his childhood and his freedom (and he has). not everyone has to sink to those depths to "get it." This is exactly the point when we have to get out of their way and let them learn what they need to learn - i'm not saying dump him just get out of the way and let him figure this out on his own - all the talking i did meant nothing, all the threats i made did nothing - the best thing i ever did was just stop and let him come to the realization on his own.

winnie12

Wanted to add one other thing - getting out of their way doesnt mean allowing them to destroy your life - you do need good solid boundaries that you can enforce to protect yourself.

ksaun

My addicted friend is much like your ABF. She realizes she has a problem knows what she should be doing to get help, even entered herself in a meth treatment program, but does nothing else she should be doing. No NA meetings, no extensive out patient programs, nothing else. Its like she knows what to do and how to get there, but only does enough to make it look like she is making the effort to get off drugs.

Its was always so damn frustrating to here her talk a good game, then when I came time to act she never would follow through. Talk about dashed hopes, That is one of the reasons I think I held on to her as long as I did. She didn't appear to be the raging heroin addict like everyone portrayed, she seemed to be on top of it, and trying to make an effort to get better. But in the end she was mearly doing what she could to get everyone off her back about using and make it appear like she really wanted to get clean. When in fact she was using heroin while going to the clinic for meth treatments, And I fell for it, even drove her to the clinic everyday for months. What an idiot I was.

So the answer is a big resounding YES!!! I know exactly how logical and encouraging they can seem, just to let you down. They tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you sucked in. For me that was one of the hardest lessons to learn.

Good luck.

splendra

All I can say is addiction will say what ever I want to hear in order for me to let my guard down. Take care of yourself and keep your hands off his stuff.

justtired

Thanks everyone for your responses. I was kind of hopeful about the fact that he was admitting that there was a problem as i sort of saw it as progress. But most likely you are all right and it's just him telling me what i want to hear which is sucky.

Now I'm just watching to see what he does. I have learned enough to know that actions speak louder than words. So while I was kind of encouraged, I'm not running around jumping for joy either. His Dr. is really good and I'm hoping he can help him. I think i do okay when it comes to leaving his stuff to him. I don't try to tell him what to do and have never given him an ultimatum. What I really need to do is work more on me and get some boundaries set. I keep meaning to start running again and I think that will be a good start. New running shoes here I come!

Freedom1990

Yep, yep, and yep!