Hammerhead

When I posted here about a month and a half ago... that I was taking my AH back...I was somewhat skeptical... I felt in my heart of hearts that I had unknowingly contributed (added to the noise) my fair share of picking and arguing about the whole shebang up to that point...

Well for the past 2 weeks he's been ringing bells, banging gongs and doing his darnedest to get me riled... and I didn't take the bait. It was clear to me how he kept pushing the envelope... yesterday... after he poked and poked AND POKED... I just chuckled to myself... (not making fun of him... mind you... just seeing the light) and he responded with an atom bomb attitude .

He was yelling, cursing, accusing me of being down on him.... I promise you it wasn't that in the least. I tried reassuring him that I wasn't chuckling at him... only that I had a bright moment. I am comfortable knowing that I have done all that I know to do for myself and this marriage. I really, really hate that he made the choice to leave again. I slowly, softly but directly said to him... "if you leave this time... you won't be welcome to come back". He said "you don't have to worry about that."

I went to the license branch today and put in the paperwork and took his name off the vehicle and called an attorney... I'm hoping the divorce won't be a big pain... he said he wouldn't contest it... but who knows what is around the corner.

I've been reading the message board everyday and have found much comfort here. I'm praying for the strength, wisdom and courage to get through the upcoming mine fields.

Thanks for reading.

Impurrfect

(((Hammerhead))

I'm glad that you are taking care of you, and that you are at peace with your decision. There will probably still be a few rough times ahead, little flareups of grief or memories, but when we've accepted that we've done our best, it seems a bit easier to get through whatever is put in front of us, and move forward.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Suspicious

Good for you! Sounds like you just had to do what your heart said was all you could do. Now you work on moving forward.

MissSunshine

Thank GOD for clarity!! Be strong my friend and have courage and wisdom during your upcoming trials and tribulations. May God be by your side.

readyforhelp

Hammerhead,

Good for you! Congratulations. Here's to your journey. You are not alone!

WLDKATZ

Good for YOU! now moving onwards.........doesnt mean into another relationship right away!!!! Take time for you!!!!!


Good Luck!
Pamm

Hammerhead

Thank goodness I've never been a relationship hopper I tend to be a recluse and I'm ready to take full advantage of that trait and work on myself for a good long while! The thought of another relationship (now or ever) ... makes me ill.

Freedom1990

From one recluse to another, I commend you for your awareness, and doing what you had to do for yourself.

I have found I am perfectly content sans a relationship.

:ghug

Hammerhead

Wow. I just took a call from AH... guess what... he doesn't want a divorce! I said "well there isn't much I can do about that now... you made that decision when you chose to leave the other day." He said "well I still love you". I said "o.k. but there's nothing I can do about it now".

I realize this is noise... I do want an amicable divorce... and yes we do have a business together and I do need to speak to him from time to time until we are dissolved... I'd love to do the no contact rule... It just doesn't seem feasible for me at this time.

So once again I'm chuckling to myself. Brighter days ahead.

bluejay6

So glad to see someone saying NO to an active addict.

If everyone in his life did that when he acted out his addict personality and behavior, it would be a GIFT to him.

I'm also glad you are not willing to participate in the rubber-band syndrome with him: ( "I'm leaving!" "I want to come back!" "I'm leaving!" "I want to come back!" "I'm leaving!" "I........) and so forth.

Wishing you continuing clarity and self-direction. All the best!

breakingfree88

HAMMERHEAD,
Your strength and stability is inspiring. Thank you for leading the way for me today.

kj3880

Hammerhead,
I hope you can stick to it. I worry about the fact that you have to keep talking with him about business. He wouldn't be the first a.h. to use a business to get back in with you. I've seen it done before. A's are often professional manipulators. It's hard to see it coming. My only way of being able to have any peace is no-contact. No business is worth your serenity, and that is what it will cost, IMO. Is there any way you can split it for good. You'll be glad if you do, eventually, even if it costs you short-term.
Love,
KJ

Hammerhead

I appreciate your response and concern. Having a business together is not unlike having children... you just don't quit the kids. The business is a responsibility and an income... sure I could get a job at McDonald's... but their paycheck isn't going to keep the roof over my head, pay for attorney, accountants, etc. I'm not worried about letting him back in.... it simply isn't an option. Indeed I am concerned with my serenity in dealing with the situation... but I can't run and hide from the facts. I place my trust in God.

Thanks.

kj3880

Well then that's the best you can do. I certainly understand that. It will be hard, but maybe you can reach some type of peaceful working relationship. It never worked for me with an ex, but you may be better equipped mentally to handle it. I have a bad temper and I'm quick to tell a bro where to get off.
Love,
KJ

splendra

((((Hammerhead))))

Sometimes it takes a lot to end a relationship. I am going thru a break up which I started. Something that seems to be a very common thing with people who are control by substances is there seems to be a lot of drama all the time and even more so with life changing events.

SoulSearchin

((((Hammerhead))))
You are not alone. This sickness is awful and we all know the roller coaster ride that comes with it. Good for you for taking your own stand! Its tough. I admire your strength!

Hammerhead

It's been a good day. I'd love to go point by point... but I think it would be mundane... tho I will share this bit.

One of our elderly customers has been ill with Kidney disease for sometime and we hadn't seen him since last Fall. When we saw the customer... the first thing he said was "how are ya'll doing?" I didn't say a word. AH said "we're getting a divorce...we'll be better friends than lovers...we just argue too much". The customer said "what's that got to do with anything?" AH said "well we had an argument Monday and I left and she told me that if I left again I couldn't come back". Customer said "why were you arguing?" AH said "just about stupid stuff".

(While all this is going on I'm watching and listening... I do not interject into the conversation between them.)

Customer went on to say "Many times we continue to do things that we shouldn't... most married peoples problems come from being selfish... you do what you want to do and she does what she wants to do without any consideration for the other... when you get married... all that has to stop... you become one and you must always consider the other person... did you ever consider her in any of this?"

Needless to say my insides jumped for joy (I still don't say a word) ... AH went on to say that he "used to do all the bad stuff and slowed way down when he met me... and that hasn't changed...except for the occasional drink". (again I'm saying nothing...expressionless) Customer went on to say "many times people will accuse the other person of the very thing they are guilty of... so when you say she argues with you... are you sure she's arguing with you? or have you been arguing with her?"

Again I just about fell over.... I swear to you the customer was saying things to AH that I have wanted to say... but would have fallen on deaf ears... but this man has my AH's respect and when this customer looked him dead square in the face and softly said this... it blew me away.... I knew my HP was with me... everything I wanted to say... but couldn't... was said... very, very eloquently, gently and to the point. WOW

Don't misunderstand me... this post is not about AH's day... but rather my feelings of having to face my daily responsibility with the given situation.. was softened a bit today... thanks to God.

I kept my hoola-hoop intact and had a good day.

Thanks.

SoulSearchin

It always amazes me how the elderly people know exactly what to say and when to say it. Glad your day wasn't a bad one. Kudos to you for keeping quiet and remaining expressionless.

Hammerhead

Yes... elderly people have a wealth of knowledge and I love to hear it. I feel so blessed to have been touched by this man's words and actions today. I felt as if I was being hugged by God today. I will be able to draw much strength from this one encounter... as for keeping quiet and expressionless... well I learned that from ya'll :ghug

kj3880

OH, I didn't know when you said that you had a business together that it meant you would have to actually work in close proximity, like in the same room, with AH all day. I thought maybe it was like the business I had with an ex, which involved real estate and only occasional contact. This sounds very hard to do, this continual contact. You must be a very patient person. Maybe it will get easier with time. Me, I'd be having to chant the serenity prayer over and over all day long..lol

KJ