dorton

Well I went out to dinner with my 16yo just to Arby's but it got me out of the house. My husband didn't want to go which I hated but understood. My 16yo and I talked a little about this whole mess. He is a good kid with his head on straight (God please let it stay that way) I think he has seen so much of what his dad and I have been through he doesn't want to go down that path. My AS sends me text saying how much he hates it at the shelter didn't get supper because he isn't in the program and the food ran out and has to sleep on a concrete floor. Can we say pity party!!

shockozulu

Oh! I love Arby's but the one in my town has closed shop. I hope you enjoyed it. Glad you had a bit of a talk with with your son. Growing up with an addict in my home, those times with a parental figure where I knew someone was just there to listen to me meant the most. Glad you are keeping the communication lines open.


Yes we can!

P I T Y
P A R T Y

Done_With_It

I am a vegetarian now, but that is so one of the places I miss most!

((Dorton))

lots of good stuff already said, so just a few more hugs...
:ghug3

Chino

Sounds like sweet music to me because he's still there

Serenity Bound

I like Arby's too! Had my own little pity party a few weeks ago, and went there by myself.

He's still there, that's good.

dorton

Your right it is good that he is still there. He said that the shelter is in a bad part of town lots of dealers, etc. When he said (text actually I don't answer the phone it is all through text because I know I am not strong enough to hear his voice) the one thing that struck me is that through all of this he has NOT ONE TIME said he wanted to go back to using. He used to say that every time it got bad, "It just makes me want to use again". I haven't heard that at all. He has complained about not eating, sleeping on a concrete floor, not bieing able to shower (which he hates but I don't believe), his knee hurting and being swollen, etc, etc. But not one word about using again. I had told his counselor at one point that sometimes I wondered how much of this was actually about drugs and how much of it was just being a lazy, spoiled, unmotivated brat. She said she thought it had a lot to do with the pill makde him feel good and took away the knee pain but that a whole lot of it was just being lazy, et I asked him who a person he had been calling was, we check his phone records often, and he said it was someone from rehab that he could talk to I asked if they were helping him through this and to figure out why he had got in trouble this time he said he knew why that he wasn't thinking and what did I expect he was 20yo after all. My response was that yes he is 20 and I expect him to act like an adult and to think with his other head and to grow up. He didn't respond for a long time and when he did he said he was sorry also a first. he was asking me to find out info on the national guard for him I said I would get him the number he can call. I then took 2 tylenol pm and went to bed. This a.m. I feel better his not saying he was going to use again has given me some hope. But I also know that most time when I get some hope it get washed away the next time I talk to him so it is guarded hope at best. Thank you all so much for your support I know I couldn't have been as strong as I have been without all of you!!!!!!!

marle

Just remember that if he wanted to use he would find the money and the way to get the drugs. So if he wants to stay clean, he will find the will to do that too. My daughter was spoiled but so were and are a lot of other children. They may experiment with drugs but don't get addicted. Addiction is a disease and it is caused by something in an addict's body, not by being spoiled or living in poverty or by being molested and the list goes on. It is a disease and if you have the disease of addiction, it really doesn't matter what else is going on in your life. When you find that drug that makes you feel better, that becomes your life. Addiction is an equal opportunity destroyer. Blaming addiction on being spoiled and lazy takes the responsibility away from the addict and puts it on outside factors. If it were just that easy. Hugs, Marle

dorton

I'm not blaming his addiction on being spoiled at all. I am just saying his couselor isn't sure how deep his addiction is (she isn't the first one to have said that to me I heard it from the 1st counselor and the med. dr. that put him on suboxone) I don't deny he has a problem if I denied it I wouldn't have done as much as I have or be on here posting. I do find it odd that he hasn't mentioned using again when it is right in his face now. I do think it is good for him to be in the shelter to see people who have nothing. He told me yesterday that he bet his tshirt cost more than most of those peoples whole outfit and they have all they own in wal-mart bags and here he is with a lot of stuff. He is seeing the other side of life and he needed that. We are not well off by any means but my husband and I have worked hard and saved our money so we were able to give our kids things. Not everything they wanted but a lot. Im not saying we are at the end of the road you never really get there but I do see some positive things in his comments. But maybe I am just wishing only time will tell.

Angelic17

Dorton, I have been in the same exact situation with my addict son. From him being thrown out of rehabs for breaking the rules, to his father running in the middle of the night to pick him up and stay in a hotel with him. Your husband is not doing your son any favors. Believe me, I know. We did all of that and more, and it doesn't work. Your son will not get himself together until he realizes that nobody is going to clean up his messes anymore. That he is on his own with all of his poor choices. He needs to learn to follow rules and humble himself. He is only 20 and my son, was doing all of this stuff at 26. So, the bottom line is TOUGH LOVE. Your husband is just a bit behind you on that tough love, and don't argue with him. Sit back quietly and let him do all the running. Because the more he does to clean up your sons messes, the more he will have to do. Your son will stop making a mess of his life, when he has to clean it up. Trust me. I've been where you are, and it's really hard to tough love your child. I love my son so much I would die for him, but I will not enable him to be in active addiction. When I was done running, and daddy was done running. He did the work

Serenity Bound

dorton, that sounds like a positive thing, for your son to see & acknowledge what those less fortunate have. perhaps it will give him the added incentive to stay clean.

If can always have hope, even if it is guarded.

dorton

Well, I guess I did it this time. Through all of this I have been so mad but have not let him see it. Well tonight I got mad and told him that he needed to stop making excuses, stop putting road blocks up in his own way, that he doesn't ever ask about how any of his family is doing so that tells me he doesn't care about anyone but himself, etc. Well I didn't know it but at the same time his dad was sending him pretty much the same message along with "your mom and I won't be alive forever" he hasn't responded to me at all since then I sent a text saying "No comment?" and got nothing back from that either so I guess we made him mad, part of me says so what he needs to get mad at himself for once and the other part of me worries if I made him mad enough to do something stupid. I feel like I am damned if I do and damned if I don't nothing I do is right in dealing with this.

outtolunch

I remember those times well. I believed that what I said or did, or not, could cause my daughter to do something stupid, too. I spent a lot of time walking on eggshells. Then one day, it hit me, she had never called me to ask if I thought sticking a needle in her arm was a good idea, or not.

When I finally got that I could not love her clean or talk her clean, I was able to turn it around and realized that the only one who could cause her to "do something stupid" was her. She has full responsibility for herself and the the consequences.

Done_With_It

Part of me is letting my sons addiction control how I act and react.

That is how I read that.

Which is okay.

I think just like with us using, one day you will get sick and tired
of letting addiction control you, and you will stop letting addiction
control you.

As hard as it is for you to stop letting your son's addiction control
you, that is how hard it is for him to stop letting the drugs control
him.
Or that is how it was with me and meth, I had to be good and
ready to be done.

JMO

I don't see that, You are doing great, it's just a long and hard process for all involved.
Take care of you first, and if you can try not to worry so much, let go of the outcome, you can't make him do anything, he will do what he wants to do.

Lots of Love and Light your way.

:ghug

dorton

Well this morning he gets up and walks 2 miles to a recurting office to be told that he has to enlist in the state he lives in ibut they could have him in in 3 days it is 154.00 for the ticket and a 36 hour trip. Husband says he has to earn the money for the ticket and buy it himself which I agree with but that is so hard and i am just so tired of this whole mess

NeedingHelp7

It's best he returns to rehab dorton. I know you can't control that, but if he enlists he will go in there with the same problem. I've known people that didn't last long there because of drug/alcohol problems and came out with a dishonorable discharge, and more regrets. If he's thinking of enlisting, it can always be a good future goal. Lets pray he chooses the right choice.

Serenity Bound

dorton, sounds like dad has the right idea, AS needs to earn the $$ & make the decision himself. no matter what you do or don't do will NOT affect his choice. stay strong, stay focused on you.

Hugs,
Chris

josie25

I work in a homeless hostel in the UK and I can assure you he should be ok there. One of the benefits of the hostels is that they cannot use the emotional blackmail stuff on the workers that they can on family members and it gives them time and space to realise just what they are doing - all frills removed. As hostel workers are not personally involved, there is little point lying or covering up their actions, which is what they do to family and it can be the place where recovery can begin, particularly when they see the state of others living in the place.
Hang on in there, you have done what you needed to do, once he realises that you will not jump to attention at his every whim, he may start to properly access the help available - don't cave in and bail him out. There are always workers available to talk to 24/7 so he is not alone. At the end of the day, he will do whatever he wants - as we all do - people can advise and help but at the end of the day we all make our own choices and then live with the consequences of our actions - I learned this one the hard way, but although I listened and heard others, I still went my own sweet way. Stay strong, you made the decision as you knew it was the right one, don't backtrack. I will be thinking of you.

Angelic17

Dorton, You are doing the right thing, and in time you will realize that. Don't be so hard on yourself. Your son is not going to do anything stupid, like hurt himself or something like that. Addicts are master manipulators. My son had me under his thumb for 2 years. Until I finally got smart. You seem to be doing the right things. Love the addict, hate the disease. Do not enable his addiction, and only help him in his recovery. Sounds to me like your doing the right things. He is so young, and I know from experience with my son, he is probably still using, and not in his right mind. I sure hope he gets well. What is his drug of choice?

Nallabelle

Nothing your son does, as an adult, it your fault. He is a capable adult and must be accountable for his own actions.
I am so sorry for what youre going through. How heart wrenching.
On one hand, you did what you said you would do and I personally DO believe the tough love thing works. Im an addict and it wasnt until my parents and husband STOPPED ENABLING ME AND USED A WHOLE LOT OF TOUGH LOVE before I began to change.
Either way its a lose-lose situation. I dont know what you should do but God will guide you and your son.

Nallabelle

OK its me again. I responded the last time after only reading your first post. Then I went back and read the rest of your posts and had some more stuff to say!
First of all I have to give you props for sticking this out. Staying strong and not giving in to your son is sending him the right message and will only help him (ultimately, you cannot help him, but only hurt him by enabling him...only he can help himself).
Also, as for the military thing- us addicts want instant gratification; hense the drugs. I would HIGHLY recommend swaying him to wait and GET HIMSELF TOGETHER before joing the military. That is an enormous decision that should not be taken lightly and if he is "lost in life" so to speak, he could make this decision impulsively and either regret it or get in trouble later on.
One thing I found, is that the younger the addict (20 is pretty young) the longer the recovery (no proof of this, just an observaton). The reason I believe this is the case is because 20 year olds havent LOST enough yet to their addiction. The older you are and longer you have been using, the more relationships youve lost (spouses, kids, parents), the more money youve lost, the more time you have wasted, and the more legal trouble you have probably gotten in from your drug use. And hell, even addicts get older and wiser. It often takes an addict years and years of battling, before they truly surrender. He doesnt have to fit that stereo-type, if he takes the necessary actions now to completely change his life. Therapy, college, NA meetings, ETC. He is probably pretty lost and pretty depressed.
Point being, perhaps this homeless shelter really will do him some good. My motto in life has always been to learn from other people's mistakes, not your own.
If the time becomes appropriate, I hope you will take an opportunity to sit your son at your kitchen table. Have him come on here and go on the substance abuse fourm and get a slap in the face of all the things that can happen to him with continued drug use. Talk to him with a different approach. Ask him what he wants out of life and how he intends to get there. You can still be there for him, but you must strongly encourage him to be a man. You are a great mother.