cece1960

Sounds like you and hubby are standing your ground...together.

dorton

I had thought about tellling him about this site (he found a library today and researched bus prices home) but I worry about him seeing my posts. I don't know if that would be a good thing or not. Any opinions?

PacNorwesterner

My husband was in the military for 32 years. I hate to be the bearer of bad news; but the military really, really hates it when someone's personal problem becomes their problem.

He could be creating more problems, for himself.

I know that a generation, or so, ago; sometimes parents thought that a problem child would "grow up", in the military ~ that doesn't seem to be the thinking today.

I hope he re-thinks this idea.

mooselips

Sending you some hugs, and some serenity.


I have walked a long road with our oldest AS, (now in prison for the 4th time...drug related) and I think I unknowingly made that road longer, by enabling.

Suicidal threats are scary, I've been through those too, but sometimes it is another way of them intimidating us to return to our old habits of enabling, and it usually works.

Sometimes, regardless of our fears, we have to stand our ground, as addiction progresses, it only gets worse.

Hugs to you......

dorton

Please tell me how to stay strong. It is so hard my heart just wants my baby. My head tells me to leave him in the shelter but then I tell myself if I was in his place I could very well see me saying to hell with it if I'm here I might as well use. I really do think he wants to get well my doubt comes from if he is ready to do what it takes to stay that way.

laurie6781

Sweetie, these are the CONSEQUENCES of his ACTIONS.

If you rescue him ONE MORE TIME you are taking him that much FURTHER AWAY from his bottom.

He is an adult, he is not your 8 year old little boy any more. As an adult, please let him live with his CONSEQUENCES and learn from his ACTIONS.

Sending prayers, love and hugs,

cece1960

I can't imagine myself doing much of ANYTHING our addict kids do.
I can't imagine me being in a shelter, or rehab or jail, or jonesing for a fix, or stealing to get that fix...but they walk a different path.

This just may be reality hitting him right between the eyes.

Has he asked to come home recently?

You're doing well (((dorton))) and sometimes with practice it does get easier.

Impurrfect

I agree with Laurie..these are his consequences and he needs to experience them. If he uses because of this, then he doesn't really want to get clean. I have had a TON of reasons to use, since I've been in recovery, but I didn't. Know why? Because I didn't want to deal with any more consequences and because I want to stay clean.

Some addicts choose recovery just because they're sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was at that point, too, but a HUGE part of my recovery was getting REALLY tired of dealing with some pretty bad consequences.

I know this is hard, but I promise you...the best thing you can do for him, is let him figure this out on his own. Remember the 3 c's. If he uses, that is his CHOICE...it is NOT his only option, and he knows this. He's still looking for something "instant" to get him out of the consequences of his action, but things aren't going his way. This is a very valuable lesson he needs to learn.

I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you, but stay strong, mom. We addicts are remarkably resilient and can use the skills we learned to do good when we're ready.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

dorton

I don't mean I can actually see myself doing drugs because I can't see that at all but I can see me saying I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I think that he has bad times and he texts us which is hard for us. These are the times he asks to come home and he asks less and less now. He said he went to a day labor place this a.m. and they didn't have anything today. If this is true then he is trying to get the money to come back here. Just keep sending up the prayers.

Freedom1990

Don't give up your support here.

My 13 year old granddaughter is a whiz on the computer/internet. I'm sure your son can find resources on the internet all by himself. Don't you?

winnie12

I agree - dont tell him about this site - i've heard of others do that and then they didnt feel like they could post anymore. if us ole ladies can find a place online so can he.

From one mom who is worried about her son to another - I have one piece of advice and its hard but i think its true - let it go and let him do it all. You're living off of his text messages right now - trying to scrape anything out of them that you can to see if he will use and if he is safe - well he will use if he wants to use and there is nothing you can do about it. We cant control their recovery - we cant make them want to do this - its solely and completely their choice. His words are manipulating you right now - even with the talk of military - seriously he may have even thought that would scare you since we are in a war right now. You've got to detach from this and let him feel what it will be like to be alone and on the streets. He has options and he knows he does but he is trying to get you to fix it for him. In fact didnt you say he can just join a program at the shelter and stay - well then that's a great option - if he is serious about recovery then why wouldnt he just do that?

Right now i dont even know where my son is - he's 16 years old and a diabetic. if i chose to i'm sure i could find him but everytime i do that i stop him from getting to the point that he reaches out for help himself. it hurts me so much and i dont know if he will survive these next few weeks but i do know that he wont survive at all if i keep stepping in the way. I just keep chasing away the bad images and thoughts and i move on hoping and that he will finally surface and say help me and mean it this time.

MyJoey

Wow, you are getting some great wisdom here from many that have had to do the same thing. It is hard and please don't think, we don't know that, it hurts so bad at times you can feel your heartache. It hurts when they use drugs, it hurts when they go to rehab, it hurts when they are on the streets.........all of addiction hurts, the pain will not stop if you bring him home. I just want you to know everyone is here for you and we all know the pain. You start being strong by not worrying, you stop worrying when you let your brain turn it off because there is nothing you can do to change the outcome of what happens. The only thing your going to do is waste all your time and energy and the out come will remain the same. It takes lots of practice, but it gets easier if you let it. I am trying to take a little time each day just to worry, then I turn it off. When my brain starts to go there, I tell myself Opps, I done that today and think of something else. (((Hugs)))

Angelic17

Dorton, If you do tell him about this site, just don't tell him your screename. That way, he can benefit also, and you can remain annonomous. There are so many other mom's with the exact same situation as you.

Serenity Bound

dorton, Stay Strong. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless of your worry, please don't fix this for him, it only delays his reaching his bottom.

Listen to what the RA's have said, they know exactly what A's are capable of. MANIPULATION!! SURVIVIAL!!

I know it's hard, every time i start to worry, I say the serenity prayer, and I turn my AD over to her HP. Yep, sometimes I need to do this over & over, but it does get easier with practice.

I don't recall if your & your H are going to any f2f meetings, they really are a great additional support system.

Hugs from one mom to another.
Chris

ps My AD does know about this site, I try to keep my screen name from her.

devastated

OK, time to wipe the tears and know that you did the right thing. You set your boundaries, he knew the consequences, yet ignored everything.

You did not sign his death warrant, believe me. It will be a good experience for him to go to a homeless shelter. Besides, I truly believe that God has a plan for all of us, and if this is his destiny, so be it.

Don't worry! He will be just fine! He will not die there!!

Think about it as a learning experience for him. Think about if you always give him a way out, and always give him a soft place to land, what will he learn? All he will learn is that you'll always take care of him. He will never learn to depend on himself and ultimately will never grow up.

They do exactly what they want to do no matter how much you warm them, no matter how much you try to direct them! Therefore, they have to learn that for every decision they make there are consequences to their actions.

Don't cry and don't worry, as these are two wasted emotions. You know what they say, when you're worrying you're not praying, and when you're praying you're not worrying.

Hugs, Devastated

p.s. Incidentally, I'm not without experience! My son is 46 years old currently out of prison for the 3rd or 4th time. I cried plenty. Especially when he was homeless and talking about moving into a storage unit! OH NO! HOW WILL HE BREATH!! LOL

outtolunch

You are getting stuck in that place that fools us into believing that we can control our adult children and their choices. I know this place well, too well.

It's very similar to that place that so many addicts/alcoholics go when they delude themselves into believing they can control their usage/drinking.

Both have similar outcomes.

It's up to him -always was- always will be.

Done_With_It

I was thinking the same thing Amy said. The last few months I could have just said this and done a few lines many times. But I kept looking for new ways to cope, new ways to fix my problems, because I am done using,
the consequences are too high, and I remember where using meth brought me. It brought me more pain than I care to go back to.

He really needs to make these decisions on his own. IF you take this his decisions away from him you are taking away a gift from him, his experience is his own, his to live, it's not your place to change it, it's his place.
We have to learn or we won't learn.

These last few months have been a bit of a hell for me, but since I had the opportunity in the past to know where using brought me,
I now know better.

Don't let him be 30, 40,50, and still not know.

JMO and what worked for me.


:ghug

dorton

Well, the latest tonight gives me a little guarded hope. He sent a text tonight saying he was sorry for everything he had done and he loved me. I just sent one back saying I loved him more than he would ever know. He responded with he knew that we wouldn't have spent the money for rehab if we didn't love him. I told him love was about more that money. He said he knows but that if we didn't love him we would have put him out a long time ago without trying. He then asked me what he needed to do because he had a sore throat and I thought well here we go again all about him. When I responded it was only that his cousin (who he loves very much) was sick as well. I wanted to see if he would ignore that and go back to himself but his response was to ask what was wrong with her and if she was ok. But the most incouraging was that he sent his dad a text also telling him he was sorry and he loved him. AS has not told his dad he loved him in a VERY LONG time. Do I dare to hope?? Please keep the prayers going for our family.

devastated

Dorton, never give up hope. Afterall, that's all we have. I will never give up hoping.

Hugs, Devastated

Nina Kay

Hi Dorton. I really believe what Dev said. Where there is life, there is hope. This is something that my Mother used to say alot. I will also never give up hoping. I've found myself still hoping many times when I couldn't really see any reason to have hope. It's not hope that we are supposed to let go of, it's expectations. We must let go of expectations of others (including our children) in order to gain our serenity. But never lose your hope.
(((((((((((((Understanding & Caring Hugs)))))))))))))))))