Serenity Bound

as hard as it is to picture them in jail, sometimes it's a good thing.
they have a roof over their head, 3 meals a day, AND no drugs.

while it is not the choice we would make for our kids, it may be the choice that wakes them up.

Hugs,
Chris

cece1960

(((dorton)))
You haven't mentioned in your posts, that your son is begging to come home, or for you to do something.
If the army is his next great idea, let him see what that does for him.
Maybe he'll use the shelters suggestions as a next best step since he's out of options.
Maybe he doesn't want to go back to the rehab.

I don't know what type of rehab he was in, but back when my son was in an IOP, it was a top of the line med facility...sort of rehab for the "haves" rather than the "have nots"
When he finally agreed to inpatient, a crummy beat up place was the only option (he was a "have not" and needed the charity bed)
He responded quite well...with little frills because it was "real" to him and the life he had chosen.
I don't think consequences were felt at the nicer place.
Just some things to ponder.
He still has choices...and just may be close to making better decisions.
Don't get in the way.
(((Hugs)))

dorton

He has cried and asked to come home. Promised me he would do everything right, go back to rehab in 2 weeks, yada yada. the one thing he hasn't done was get mad when i told him no. I try to see that as a positive sign as this was something he used to do a lot. But maybe I am just wanting something positive so bad that it really isn't positive I just want it to be. Checked his phone records and he called a few people yeterday that are in Fla. where he is, I guess trying to get a place to stay but he was still at the shelter at 9:30 last night so I don't guess he found anyone. The thing is he doesn't know anyone there so I don't have a clue who these people could be or how he would have their numbers. I thought about just calling them and asking but not sure if I want him to know I did that. That is the thing I just don't know or maybe I do know I just am not ready to accept it yet.

Freedom1990

Worry changes nothing. My mother will find something to worry about if there's nothing to worry about. It's taken a huge toll on her health. She sleeps an average of 4 hours a night. She has high blood pressure that she refuses to take medication for. It hurts my heart, and there's not a thing I can do for it.

She worries, worries, worries, and for what? It changes nothing, not one single thing in this world that happens. I can't help but wonder where is her God and her faith? She can't answer that question for me.

Freedom1990

Here's a reminder for you, Dorton, that he DOES have a place to stay, if he wants it badly enough.

dorton

I know. The shelter told him only one night, so I do wonder about tonight.

marle

In one of your original posts you said that you and your husband found a rehab for your son in Florida and that it was going to cost you $35,000 to send him there. That is a lot of money to spend for someone that you had to force into rehab. If your son does not go back and complete his stay at this rehab, maybe it is a lesson that your HP wants you to learn. Money can't buy recovery. I know that you wanted the best for your son, but it does not sound like he wanted the best for himself. I remember a time when my daughter thought she was ready for rehab. When she started talking about going to Florida or California, I realized that what she wanted was a nice vacation on the beach. When she was truly ready for recovery, she accepted what her insurance told her were her choices-right here in good old Michigan. She went without protest and it was her choice to go. She stayed without complaint, went to their halfway house for two months, followed all of the rules and completed her 90 meetings in 90 days. We helped with the cost of rehab and halfway house. We were later reimbursed for the rehab, so our costs were 3500 for the halfway house and the cost of gas for visiting her. The next time (if there is one) she will do it either with a scholarship from the rehab or the good ole NA way. We will not be funding another stay. Your son has the tools to stay clean. No amount of money from you and your husband will keep him clean until he is ready. My daughter had to live in some hellish environments in order to be WILLING to make the changes necessary. Maybe your son needs those lessons too. Hugs, Marle

winnie12

You know i just had an epiphany after reading Marle's post! My AS and I are very lucky to be of low financial means. Never thought i would say that! If i had the money i would have put my son in rehab long ago. Because it would be forced by me he wouldnt have cared or taken it seriously. Since i didnt have the means I had to go through the county and the courts to get help for him and myself. So instead of me running to his rescue and putting him in rehab it instead became a consequence for his crimes and dangerous behavior. He's not there because I put him there - he is there because the law put him there.

I worry alot about money - this week is very tough financially and has been laying heavy on my mind but for this one moment i'm very happy that i have limited means because in the end it is the best thing for my son. Thanks Marle for helping me to find the good in my situation!!!!!

dorton

We are blessed to have been able to do that, it meant refinancing our house and no retirement for a lot longer than we thought but we at least had a way to do it. My heart goes out to the people who just can't do it. The first night we found out about this the only place we could get anyone to even agree to talk to him on a Sat. night wanted 1,000.00 cash up front with no gaurentees. We did not have that at all who would??? He wasn't taken to rehab against his will he went of his own free will. I think now he will be taken off our taxes and declared independent from us so we don't end up picking up the bill for any more rehab if it comes to that. He has the option of going back to this place in 2 weeks and finishing the program. I pray he will do that.

marle

Dorton, My husband lost his job in Aug of '07. What I thought was a negative turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I think that God did not want us to spend a ton of money to help our daughter because He was trying to tell us that she needed to help herself. Hugs, Marle

ps Read around on the substance abuse forums and visit some open NA or AA meetings. You will find that it was not that expensive rehabs that got addicts clean. Sometimes all it took was NA and AA. That is free.

marle

What causes people to change is pain. Without it we do nothing. Your son needs to feel the pain of his using if he is ever to want to get better. Let him have the dignity to follow his own path. Don't put up roadblocks that keep him from feeling the pain that addiction ultimately brings. There will come a day when you will wear yourself out from trying to keep him separated from his consequences. One thing that my daughter told me that I will always remember is that she sought our support when she was ready for recovery because she knew that we would be there to support recovery because we were not there to support her addiction. We had drawn that line. No is a complete sentence and one that needs no explanation. You can love your son and not be part of his drama. It is called detachment and is one of the greatest gifts you can give both him and yourself. Not easy but doable. Just ask any parent who has and is going through what you are going through. Find a meeting and go even if your husband is reluctant. Mine does not go but he still benefits from the wisdom that I learn in the rooms of Ala-non. Hugs, Marle

dorton

I am doing what I should I am staying tough but God is it ever hard. All I can think of is I really wanted him home for my birthday. The only present I would ever ask for again is to have my son home and well. I had hoped I was going to get that, but it looks like it will just be another day from hell. But then I have had so many of those lately. He texted me and said he had only had a hamburger in the past 2 days. I want to say well that is more than I have had or a lot of other people in this world. i just want to scream at him and pull every hair on his head out (and man is there a lot of hair on that head) one by one. I want to throw things and hit things and I am not a violent person. I want to make him hurt as bad as he is hurting me and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. What kind of mother feels like that toward her own child? But then what kind of son puts his parents thrugh this hell? Not just his dad and i but his borther, his cousins that think he walks on water, his girlfriend that has stuck by him this whole time and put up with more than any girl her age should only to have him screw another girl at rehab. My God he was coming home in a week couldn't he have kept it in his pants for another week???????????? I know this makes me sound crazy and right now I am but this is really the only palce I have where I can just rant. thank you all for your suppor and patients.

winnie12

The thing about the love of a parent is it sometimes goes against all of our normal instinct of self-preservation. It is as close to Agape love as we can get. One writer defined this unselfish form of love as "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being."

Doesnt mean we dont get mad or have the right to get mad

cece1960

Your birthday doesn't have to be a day from hell Dorton.
Give yourself a present...a day for you.
We are no less of parents for not worrying, ya know?
We are, however, less of family to our other loved ones if we allow ourselves to be dragged under.
Give yourself a day off from "mommyhood" and be the person YOUR parents hoped you could be...happy

marle

I had to detach in anger before I could detach with love. It is okay to be angry. It is okay to want bad things to happen to them. Don't let the guilt of what you are feeling get in the way of why you are having those emotions. I, at one time, wished that my daughter would just die and get it over with. I even told her once when she had a car accident that it was too bad that she did not die in the wreck. What kind of a mother would say those things. A mother who is in a great deal of pain. Addiction can produce so many conflicting emotions in us. We feel anger, shame, guilt, pain, etc. etc. etc. The thing that helped me the most was realizing that my daughter was NOT doing this to hurt me. Even though it feels very personal, addiction is not. The addict has but one goal in life and that is to get high. Even with being in rehab for a while, the addict brain is still very much active and the addict behaviors continue long after they are clean. Your son may have felt an attraction to this girl. They are both in rehab and they are both very needy. It probably was less about sex and more about the need to feel connected to someone who is going through the same thing he is. You can have compassion for your son, but it is so important to let go and take care of you. The only thing more tragic than a child that is lost to addiction is having the family that loves him/her lost too. Hugs, Marle

dorton

Boy did thay hit home thanks I need that. One thing that scares me the most is losing my now non addicted 16 yo to this same hell.

marle

Dorton, It is not just your other son that deserves happiness, you and your husband do too. Megan is my only child and at one period in her addiction I went 14 months and saw her a total of 5 hours. I did not know what she was doing, where she was living day to day or what her addict boyfriend was doing to her. There were days of intense grief and days of joy. As time went on and I focused more on my relationship with myself and my husband and less on what my daughter was doing and I found that I could laugh, enjoy my other relationships, my work and my recreation without feeling like I needed to stay in the darkness and sadness of addiction. It was some of the best days of my life. When my daughter sought recovery, she told me of some of the things she went through including living in crack motels in the worst and most dangerous part of the city she was in. I am glad that I did not know that. I am glad that I was not part of that drama because I could not have stopped it even if I had wanted to. Addicts are like freight trains. You don't want to stand in front of them. I know right now you think that it is impossible to feel any joy in your life, but you will. Just the fact that you are reaching out here for help shows that you do not want to keep living in this misery. Do one small thing for yourself today. It does not have to be much. Watch a funny movie or eat a box of chocolates It is these small baby steps that will help you. Hugs, Marle

helpformyson

Daddy is going to sit on him for 2 weeks....then what? Daddy will also be buying him hot meals everyday, maybe ordering roomservice, a movie on HBO, a nice comfy bed...and this is helping your son how? D@mn, I wish I was punished like that every time I screwed up. Dad is postponing the enevitable. Your son has to be very uncomfortable, maybe miss a few meals, sleep on a cot next to a smelly person with a scratchy blanket and no pillow, then maybe he will realize that he needs to get his act together. No matter how badly you and your husband want him healthy, he has to want it worse.

Serenity Bound

[quote i just want to scream at him and pull every hair on his head out (and man is there a lot of hair on that head) one by one. I want to throw things and hit things and I am not a violent person. I want to make him hurt as bad as he is hurting me and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. What kind of mother feels like that toward her own child? quote]

what kind of mother feels this way, the mother of an addict. I felt all of those same emotions, and at times felt that if this was what her life was going to be, then it would be better for God to take her now. (and she is my only child) never in a million years did this life come to mind when I had her.

dorton, don't let him spoil your birthday. Do something fun, go to dinner with your hubby or lunch with a friend, take a bubble bath, get your nails done, anything as long as it is something that you like to do. I spent too many hours thinking about, awfulizing, stratizing, worrying, just in pain...and the only thing it ever got me was sickness. I finally got to the point that I knew no matter what I did, she was going to do what she wanted to do. So I chose to start going out with friends, going away for the day, a fews days. til it got easier to laugh again, and have fun again.

you can too!

Happy Birthday in advance!! 6

Hugs & Prayers,
Chris

Freedom1990

If you will take the time to go back and read the entire thread, you will see where Dorton's husband turned around and came back home. He didn't end up going down to Florida.