Trying to cope...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
Jason, It could just be that your Mom doesn't know what to say. She may be feeling guilt for leaving you. As for your sister, I'm sure it hasn't been easy for her either, to be uprooted, and taken away from her Dad & brother. There are probably a lot of feelings that are hard to talk about right now. Give it time.
I'm so sorry you're hurting.........
:praying
I'm so sorry you're hurting.........
:praying
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
No words can really sum up how I feel right now...
I loved my dad despite all his short-comings and I know I was angry with him near the end but I guess you never really know how you feel about a person until they pass.
I loved my dad despite all his short-comings and I know I was angry with him near the end but I guess you never really know how you feel about a person until they pass.
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Doesn't matter how angry we get at someone, we love them just the same.
Part of unconditional love is loving someone for their shortcomings and
all and that is when it hurts the most.
Keep talking sweetie, we are here walking with you and with you in every
way that we can be.....
Part of unconditional love is loving someone for their shortcomings and
all and that is when it hurts the most.
Keep talking sweetie, we are here walking with you and with you in every
way that we can be.....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
i'm so sorry to hear of this sad news Jason. I know you loved your dad a great deal despite his weaknesses. Try to take things slowly - things this drastic take time and even though you all knew there was a chance of this it is still a great shock. It may take a while before you can really talk to your mom and your sister.
We all care a great deal about you here.
We all care a great deal about you here.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Missouri
Posts: 80
When my brother died I started a journal, I went back to the day it happened, he was put on a ventalator until tests where done, it was determined that his brain was gone. His vent slipped out, but we were going to have it taken out anyway, so anyway he lived for about 9 days after the OD, I have written about all of it, now I am going to go back and write about all the years we have had, good and bad.
Jason how old are you if you dont mind my asking, my neice is 22, it was her dad, its been hard because she lived with him and her mom and my mom off and on over the years, the addiction has been apart of her life since she was born, she has decided to go to counseling, she has been about 3 times, she says its so nice to just talk, she can do it better there than trying to tell us. I will pray for you, I prayed allot, when the doctors told us my brothers brain was gone, somhow I found peace, he has been in and out of prison over the years, as much as I want him here, I miss him so much, he is no longer fighting these demons, he is at peace. I hope this somehow will help you.
hugs to you,
sisterofD
Jason how old are you if you dont mind my asking, my neice is 22, it was her dad, its been hard because she lived with him and her mom and my mom off and on over the years, the addiction has been apart of her life since she was born, she has decided to go to counseling, she has been about 3 times, she says its so nice to just talk, she can do it better there than trying to tell us. I will pray for you, I prayed allot, when the doctors told us my brothers brain was gone, somhow I found peace, he has been in and out of prison over the years, as much as I want him here, I miss him so much, he is no longer fighting these demons, he is at peace. I hope this somehow will help you.
hugs to you,
sisterofD
Attitude of Gratitude
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Dayton, Ohio
Posts: 2,305
Jason, I can relate to so many of the things you are feeling right now. As I told you in a PM yesterday and others here on SR, I lost my younger sister, Linda, in 1991 due to cirrhosis of the liver. She was only 26, an addict and alcoholic, just like I am.
When Linda died, there were so many feelings there that I just didn't know how to cope with. Sure, the usual feelings of loss, pain . . the emotions we all feel when someone we love dies. But I also still had all of those feelings of anger I had had towards her for the affair she had with my husband at the time and them continuing for over a year after I caught them in bed together.
I remember so many times after I caught her and Daryl together that I wished her dead. You know how we do, we think in our mind, "Oh, I just wish she were dead!" When she passed, I felt horrible. My disease really played some mind games with me. Especially since when I was the one who had to sign the papers that when her heart stopped, not to shock her, only to have her heart give out again in a very short time. There was no hope. My disease kept screwing with me, telling me in it's ugly, evil voice that yes, I got the ultimate revenge, I got back at her, didn't I? I was also the first one who got her high so I really felt responsible for her being an addict/alcoholic, even though I knew in my mind that I was not responsible. I also felt like a hypocrite for being mad at her for not being able to quit drinking when the doctors had told her if she drank again, she would die. Here I was, swallowing handfuls of pills every few hours and then getting drunk at night! I thought, what the hell is wrong with me?
What I am getting at here is that I didn't deal with these feelings for many, many years, 14 years actually. All of these feelings of missing her, loving her, being mad at her for not being able to stop drinking, being mad at her for leaving me, mad at her still for her and Daryl's year and a half long affair, wanting her back here with me, angry at myself, wondering if yes, I did get the ultimate revenge? My mind was a complete mess for many years. Please, please, keep sharing your feelings, no matter what they are. I had thought I was a horrible person for being mad at someone who was dead. Haven't we been told to not speak ill of the dead? I was raised that way.
I imagine the reason your Mom isn't saying much is that she just doesn't know what to say. I don't know the details but obviously there is a not too great history there. I imagine, more than anything, a comforting hug would really help now. Perhaps she thinks you don't want her to hug you. Just like she can't imagine how you are feeling, you don't know what she, or your sister for that matter, are thinking.
I got your email this morning and please, anytime you need to talk, vent, whatever, I'm here for you.
Hugs and Prayers,
Judy
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
So right now, my mom is trying to think how I can finish the school year here instead of going back to Michigan with her and switching schools. So far, the best looking idea would be for me to stay here in the apartment and have her send me a check in the mail every week, month or whatever for the rent, food, etc. The problem with that is that well...it's illegal since I'm a minor, but honestly, no one has to know I'm living in it by myself. As long as my mom takes care of the papers with the landlord and all that and he gets his money at the end of the month, why would he care who's living in it? The other options would be to stay with a friend or to switch schools and go live in Michigan with my mom and sister. I'm not sure how plausible staying with a friend is because money is tight for everyone...I don't know if people can really put up another kid. As for Michigan, my mom said no matter what I'm staying with her over the summer at the very least which I'm not the happiest about...I don't know how easy it's going to be for me to stay clean around her family. She doesn't understand how much she's hurt me or how much stuff I've had to go through because of her decision to leave me here. She just hasn't come through for me yet..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 161
Jason, could your mother help your friends' parents with expenses? If she is willing to help, for you to stay in your current apartment; I would think she could pay another family.
I would hate to think of you living alone, particularly in these circumstances. You will need all of the support you can get.
Hugs and prayers.
I would hate to think of you living alone, particularly in these circumstances. You will need all of the support you can get.
Hugs and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 584
Jason,
I sure hope things work out the way you want with the living arrangement. She will be able to collect his SS for you & your sister, that should help with money. If they are not legally divorced she will/ can collect it for herself also. If you stay with your mother over the summer, maybe that will give you both time to reconnect. You will need to tell her how you feel, but do it in a calm way not accusing her, but letting her know how bad her actions affected you. I used to tell my daughter it is not what you say.........but how you say it, that gets the results. We are all human and make mistakes, even parents. Give her a chance to tell you how and why she did the things she did, not that it makes it right, but there may have been things going on that your not aware of and at least talking about them will give you a better understanding to help put it all behind you and hopefully start building a relationship again with your mother and her side of the family. Be honest with her about your drug use, don't try to hide it because it will only come out in the end anyway. I am thinking and hoping only for the best for you. (((hugs)))
I sure hope things work out the way you want with the living arrangement. She will be able to collect his SS for you & your sister, that should help with money. If they are not legally divorced she will/ can collect it for herself also. If you stay with your mother over the summer, maybe that will give you both time to reconnect. You will need to tell her how you feel, but do it in a calm way not accusing her, but letting her know how bad her actions affected you. I used to tell my daughter it is not what you say.........but how you say it, that gets the results. We are all human and make mistakes, even parents. Give her a chance to tell you how and why she did the things she did, not that it makes it right, but there may have been things going on that your not aware of and at least talking about them will give you a better understanding to help put it all behind you and hopefully start building a relationship again with your mother and her side of the family. Be honest with her about your drug use, don't try to hide it because it will only come out in the end anyway. I am thinking and hoping only for the best for you. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: tn
Posts: 663
Sending more prayers your way. I'm so sorry about your Dad.
When ever you feel like you are alone, just imagine all of the caring people here at SR giving you a GREAT BIG HUG!!!!
:ghug
We are care about what you are going through right now; vent if you need to; we all have at one time or another! That's why we are here for each other.
HUGS
When ever you feel like you are alone, just imagine all of the caring people here at SR giving you a GREAT BIG HUG!!!!
:ghug
We are care about what you are going through right now; vent if you need to; we all have at one time or another! That's why we are here for each other.
HUGS
Clever Yak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: ---
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by MyJoey 
You will need to tell her how you feel, but do it in a calm way
Be honest with her about your drug use, don't try to hide it because it will only come out in the end anyway.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,151
Jason :ghug
Can't imagine what all this must be like for you. Keep posting on here, whatever you need to say or express. And a big pat on the back for telling your Mom you're not using and are trying to get clean. Stay strong, we're all here for you.
Can't imagine what all this must be like for you. Keep posting on here, whatever you need to say or express. And a big pat on the back for telling your Mom you're not using and are trying to get clean. Stay strong, we're all here for you.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi Jason
I haven't been around very much and, therefore, didn't realize that you were a minor. This makes things seem even more difficult for you, I'm sure.
That said, what you should always remember is, where there's a will, there's a way. I personally hate to see you staying alone and totally agree with PacNorthwesterner about staying with the friend if Mom could send money to them. This might help everyone all around.
The only other thing I would say to you Jason is, talk with your Mom tell her what's hurting you. Open up the lines of communication again. I'm sure she loves you and is hurting too. Just give it a try it may be best for all of you. I don't know what the circumstances are between you and your Mom (obviously I missed that) however, the older I get the more I believe in expressing what you're feeling. This is a great time to do that. Get it all out and in the open, then you all can make a decision on what to do.
Just hang in there Jason, cause as horrible as this all is, this, too, shall pass. Time is a great healer. Just keep coming back and talking to us.
Besides, we're older (not by choice mind you) and have had a bit more experience dealing with life. LOL
We love you, prayers are heading your way. Stay strong
Hugs, Devastated
That said, what you should always remember is, where there's a will, there's a way. I personally hate to see you staying alone and totally agree with PacNorthwesterner about staying with the friend if Mom could send money to them. This might help everyone all around.
The only other thing I would say to you Jason is, talk with your Mom tell her what's hurting you. Open up the lines of communication again. I'm sure she loves you and is hurting too. Just give it a try it may be best for all of you. I don't know what the circumstances are between you and your Mom (obviously I missed that) however, the older I get the more I believe in expressing what you're feeling. This is a great time to do that. Get it all out and in the open, then you all can make a decision on what to do.
Just hang in there Jason, cause as horrible as this all is, this, too, shall pass. Time is a great healer. Just keep coming back and talking to us.
Besides, we're older (not by choice mind you) and have had a bit more experience dealing with life. LOL
We love you, prayers are heading your way. Stay strong
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
If you don't feel you can be calm right now sharing your feelings with your mom, you're making a very wise decision to wait.
Twenty years ago I approached my mom and finally told her how I felt about some things she did when I was underage. My mother abandoned me too, but in a different form - she tried to get me committed to a mental health facility at the age of 16 until I was 21. I refused to go and fought back, eventually winning emancipation. I knew I didn't belong there and thankfully the judge and all the mental health professionals agreed. I paid a very high price for that though, and would give the details, but it's too long to go into. It's taken me years and years and years of therapy to recover from all the consequences I suffered for my freedom.
I was 24 when I finally talked to her and it took six months of therapy before I could. We spent so many hours rehearsing what I'd eventually say. I approached her with resolution and a relationship as the goal, and it went as well as could be expected. She admitted what she did was wrong and I forgave her for me. She was just as relieved to release the burden as I was. We didn't exactly develop a warm fuzzy relationship afterward, but we do have a relationship and that was my goal.
I'm sorry for being so long winded. I wanted to give you some background as a reference for my next comment -- there's just as much a possibility that your mother was being a selfish ass when she deserted you as her doing the best she could at the time. There's also a possibility that she wants and is ready to make amends but, like my mom, doesn't know how.
Since your mom is willing to pay for your housing, etc., what would you think about asking her to pay for private therapy? You have your addiction, your father's death, and ghosts from the past to deal with all at once. Please think about it.
Twenty years ago I approached my mom and finally told her how I felt about some things she did when I was underage. My mother abandoned me too, but in a different form - she tried to get me committed to a mental health facility at the age of 16 until I was 21. I refused to go and fought back, eventually winning emancipation. I knew I didn't belong there and thankfully the judge and all the mental health professionals agreed. I paid a very high price for that though, and would give the details, but it's too long to go into. It's taken me years and years and years of therapy to recover from all the consequences I suffered for my freedom.
I was 24 when I finally talked to her and it took six months of therapy before I could. We spent so many hours rehearsing what I'd eventually say. I approached her with resolution and a relationship as the goal, and it went as well as could be expected. She admitted what she did was wrong and I forgave her for me. She was just as relieved to release the burden as I was. We didn't exactly develop a warm fuzzy relationship afterward, but we do have a relationship and that was my goal.
I'm sorry for being so long winded. I wanted to give you some background as a reference for my next comment -- there's just as much a possibility that your mother was being a selfish ass when she deserted you as her doing the best she could at the time. There's also a possibility that she wants and is ready to make amends but, like my mom, doesn't know how.
Since your mom is willing to pay for your housing, etc., what would you think about asking her to pay for private therapy? You have your addiction, your father's death, and ghosts from the past to deal with all at once. Please think about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
(((Jason))),
I'm so sorry for your loss of your father. I know that he was both a source of turmoil and yet a source of love for you, especially these past few weeks. What a whirlwind you have been through. I hope that in time you can remember your dad fondly and lovingly, and also find a way to forgive and reconnect with your sister and mother. Family can be very important and extremely supporting and reassuring at a time like this. You have displayed such maturity in your writing; please don't "lose it" now and regress into thinking that using is the answer. Perhaps now is a time you can see a higher power guiding all of your family members in a direction that He knows is the right one. After all, you did find your way here, right? And you've found friends in several forums.
When it all gets too overwhelming, I hope you can reach to your higher power for support, or at least with trust that things are all unfolding for a reason, and at a pace that is meant to be. Sending big mom hugs, Jason.
I'm so sorry for your loss of your father. I know that he was both a source of turmoil and yet a source of love for you, especially these past few weeks. What a whirlwind you have been through. I hope that in time you can remember your dad fondly and lovingly, and also find a way to forgive and reconnect with your sister and mother. Family can be very important and extremely supporting and reassuring at a time like this. You have displayed such maturity in your writing; please don't "lose it" now and regress into thinking that using is the answer. Perhaps now is a time you can see a higher power guiding all of your family members in a direction that He knows is the right one. After all, you did find your way here, right? And you've found friends in several forums.
When it all gets too overwhelming, I hope you can reach to your higher power for support, or at least with trust that things are all unfolding for a reason, and at a pace that is meant to be. Sending big mom hugs, Jason.
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